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Original poster

Boyfriend moved in, how much should he pay me for living here

37 replies

KarenM2014 · 31/03/2015 22:06

both in our 40s, my two kids are adult, one still at home.
Boyfriend has moved in 9 months ago, but he is still paying so much to his ex wife, full mortgage, plus all CSA money, plus kids outings, that he has no money left to pay towards my household bills. (he earns around £48K)

Am feeling fairly unhappy.

He buys some of the food. maybe £100 per month.

He has given me £400 in last 9 months, and it is now such a touchy subject I end up crying. My mortgage is £900 per month, plus council tax, utilities, sky TV, broadband, etc all adding up to around £1300.

Any advice on how to get this sorted would be gratefully received.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 31/03/2015 22:09

What did you discuss beforehand and where was he living before yours?

sleepyhead · 31/03/2015 22:11

Bugger that! He should be paying half of all bills plus a portion of the mortgage as rent.

It's not reasonable for you to sub him indefinitely and will probably be the end of your relationship if he doesn't sort himself out.

DuelingFanjo · 31/03/2015 22:14

Half of everything.

You have to get this sorted as soon as you can. If he were renting he would
D be paying full board, food, bills.

How do you get it sorted? You sit him down and you say 'from now on I need you to pay half of all the bills, including food and X amount for the rent, you can't keep on living here for free it's not fair on me.'

FanFuckingTastic · 31/03/2015 22:15

Half or out. He'd not live like that anywhere else for what he has paid towards bill. I'd just be very direct about it so he has no excuse to say he didn't understand what I meant, a sheet with all the bills and a budgeted amount for things like shopping, and transferred immediately when he gets paid. He's earning plenty of money to contribute.

Hassled · 31/03/2015 22:21

What was he paying wherever he lived 9 months ago? Presumably he managed to afford that - what's changed? He is absolutely taking the piss, and he must know he is. He can't honestly think this is fair or reasonable.

Cloudhowe63 · 31/03/2015 22:23

One third of all household bills. Be careful about mortgage. You don't want him to have any claim on your home. Take steps to protect that. As PP asked, where did he live before moving in with you?

Cloudhowe63 · 31/03/2015 22:27

If he doesn't contribute, you need to be prepared to give him his marching orders. No point keeping him as a pet AND being unhappy.

Meandyou150 · 01/04/2015 00:15

I'm afraid I agree with pretty much everything said. He's taking you for a ride and is no doubt very pleased with himself!

You need to sit down and thrash this out calmly but firmly. Do not be fobbed off- where else could he possibly live rent free?! Did he expect not to contribute anything when he moved in!? Other than the occasional titbit! ... 48k is a lot of money in all honesty.

I have to say though this all seems to have happened v quickly- pregnancy, break up, new man moving in.

Not to say I'm against relationships moving at pace- however I think those that are destined to work- just work. The fact this clearly doesn't tells you something.

If it doesn't work out, I suggest focus on you your kids and your new little person. Forget men for a while, there's plenty of time for that.

And yes please do not introduce anyone new to young children's home life without being one hundred percent sure first!

Good luck

DianeLockhart · 01/04/2015 00:23

Half of all bills and a reasonable amount as rent which should probably be about half the mortgage but depends on the going rate for rents in your area, and definitely needs to be framed as rent and not as contribution towards mortgage.

Would accept nothing less - it's fair.

PoundingTheStreets · 01/04/2015 00:23

He is taking the piss. He should be able to support himself on £48,000 even with his commitment to his children.

If he cannot pay his way he has to face up to some hard facts, which are that at present he cannot afford to be in another live-in relationship.

I expect that the big problem is the mortgage. He clearly cannot afford to keep paying it and support himself. Even in a room in a shared house he would be paying about £300pcm minimum, not including his food. If he can't afford to pay you even that he can't afford his mortgage.

I'm afraid he's either a cock-lodger or he's in total denial about his ability to be all things to all people. Very few grown adults would fail to realise (with no need for it to be pointed out to them) that living with a new partner and completely failing to contribute is NOT on unless it's been happily and mutually agreed by prior discussion and for genuine reasons.

He has some hard choices to make. As do you.

PeriodMath · 01/04/2015 00:28

Heard the famous Mumsnet term "cocklodger"? Seems apt here.

lavenderhoney · 01/04/2015 00:38

He needs to leave. He is using your savings ( ie your money after all bills are paid, which isn't contributing too, except in a very mininal way) and that money could be taking down your mortgage with over paying, saving for your dc higher education etc, your pension , whatever. Your dc doing activities and fun stuff. Being treated.

He's having a laugh. Bill him what he owes you in terms of keep and ultilities, and say hence forth it's x in advance every month. No trial period.

It doesn't matter what you can afford.

BuggersMuddle · 01/04/2015 00:39

Sling him the fuck out.

Even if you were doing a split based on income, I am guessing his is sufficient that £400 is taking the piss.

LineRunner · 01/04/2015 17:16

I have to agree that you should remove him from your home.

Iflyaway · 01/04/2015 17:32

How come he is already there for 9 months and you never had this very important discussion before he even moved in?

I've had the misfortune of having been caught up in something similar. It's amazing how some people have such a sense of entitlement.

You owe me a living?...... Eh, noooo...!

FenellaFellorick · 01/04/2015 17:40

why the hell should he live for free? He is a total freeloader.

he should be paying at least a third of all bills or he should be told to sling his hook! He needs to make up for the 9 months he utterly took the piss too!

£400 in nine months, plus £900?. That means he has lived for less than a fiver a day. Food, roof, electric, gas, water, etc etc etc.

Meanwhile you've spent nearly 12 grand and that's without the food etc - cos I know the £100 he gives is not anywhere close to all that's spent.

Lucky, lucky him. He must think all his Christmases have come at once. No wonder he has ensured it's a touchy subject. How's he managed that? Pleading poverty? guilt trip about his kids? Acting like you're only after his money?

As long as you accept the situation, you'll keep living it. You aren't unreasonable to be pissed off, question is what do you want to do about it?

Lyinginwait888 · 01/04/2015 21:25

Where in the op does it say she's pregnant by this guy?

It took me a while to successfully blend a family but we got there with lots of communication. Good luck.

Mum4Fergus · 02/04/2015 10:28

Cocklodger...turf him out.

Sierraspider · 04/04/2015 08:37

In my opinion 48k a year is a high salary for a single person and he should be able to afford to give you rent each month even while paying for his children.

Ide sit down and talk with him over a cuppa and tell him how unhappy the situation is making you. He needs to know your feelings. If your bills and rent come to £1300 a month ide say it is only fair he pays you half. So £650 a month. I hope it works out for you X

BafanaThesober · 04/04/2015 08:43

Have you let my ex move in!!!? (Unlikely but they sound similar)
Coz what he is telling tou he is paying, and what he is actually paying are 2 very different things.

I very much doubt that, given his stinginess with paying his way with you, he is freely handing over loads of money to his ex, although that's not what you are being led to believe.

Either he pays his way, or he slings his hook. And you will have dodged a bullet.

GemmaTeller · 04/04/2015 08:43

How did he 'afford' to live somewhere before he moved in with you?

He's a cheeky fecker to think he can live with you free just because he has to pay his ex.

He needs to get real or get out.

sanfairyanne · 04/04/2015 09:02

was he living with his ex before? is that why he is still paying mortgage etc?

SoonToBeSix · 05/04/2015 21:18

Totally disagree , I think all costs should be shared as in pool your income.

mummytowillow · 05/04/2015 21:29

Why is he paying mortgage and CSA to his ex wife? Surely it should be one of those not both?

crimsonh · 05/04/2015 21:38

He takes home close to 3K.

Impossible that after paying his lunches, commuting costs and what he owes his ex he is left with 100 pounds!

I suspect he moved in to use your generosity. Very unfair!

he shouldn't be paying your mortgage but participate in other expenses he would encounter if he was renting

as others say 650 is absolute minimum IMHO

I would be furious if anyone even though of not paying minimum that much

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