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Original poster

Should dads share mums' costs

36 replies

nicolacook1 · 22/03/2015 21:15

Being pregnant costs loads: new clothes, extra food, extra vitamins etc, followed by taking time off work to have and care for the baby. Should dads be making a contribution to these costs?? My partner has not coughed up a penny, expecting me still to pay 50% of everything - food, household bills etc even though he's earning a good wage and I'm only getting SMP - is this fair?

OP posts:
iwishicouldsing · 22/03/2015 21:19

Of course. If he won't share costs it is not a great sign. You are having a child together.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 22/03/2015 21:22

All our money is pooled in a joint account so all our costs are shared. No it is not ok for him to have lots of spare cash while you're living off SMP

Nolim · 22/03/2015 21:22

Obviously.

whattodoowiththeleftoverturkey · 22/03/2015 21:23

Have you raised this with him? Of course he should be bearing more of the financial burden.

Artandco · 22/03/2015 21:24

Of course, we had shared accounts by then ( as well as our own). All baby related stuff from day one came from joint

Kampeki · 22/03/2015 21:24

Obviously he should share the cost.

AmericasTorturedBrow · 22/03/2015 21:24

We pooled all our money when we got married too so this didn't arise for us, doesn't matter who earns it, it is "our" money and to be spent as "we" see fit

Joyfulldeathsquad · 22/03/2015 21:24

That's shit.

We got a joint account when I was pregnant with dd and also did a fair division of wages to reflect DP bigger salary.

I'm a SAHM now and he pays for the lot

CultureSucksDownWords · 22/03/2015 21:25

Of course that's not fair. How absurd that he is putting you in that position. You are a family, a team. Resources should be pooled and used where needed, or if you don't like the idea of joint finances then each person should pay a proportion of costs according to their income.

It's his baby too, and you're on maternity leave because you have put in the time and effort to bear and give birth to his baby. Doesn't he want to support his own child properly?

Hearing about men leaving their partners in this kind of financial situation actually makes me really quite cross.

Meandyou150 · 23/03/2015 00:57

I think you know the answer to your own question OP!

Why exactly is he not contributing!? And why exactly are you letting him get away with it?!

Not meaning to be rude, but if my partner behaved in such a selfish manor he world not be my partner for much longer - unless he dramatically adjusted his ways

youaremychocolatecake · 23/03/2015 01:19

100% we have a joint account as he earns more than me, especially since I went back to work PT after my first. However if he wasn't comfortable with that, we would have a joint account where a fair amount each would be put in each month worked out as a percentage of our Incomings. If you're having a child rogetber, your finances should really be more shared. If you were apart he would have to contribute and you would at least get some help with tax credits and stuff

Original poster
nicolacook1 · 23/03/2015 17:13

Thanks to everyone for their comments; I'm reassured by them. I'm not sure that raising the issue with him will do any good but it's good to know I'm not alone in my view of how things should be.

OP posts:
Nolim · 23/03/2015 17:33

Op discussing how to split expenses after maternity leave is also a sensible thing to do.

Good luck.

SteppeAwayFromTheKeyboard · 23/03/2015 17:40

give him a bill, all the clothes, baby stuff etc costed out and 50% owing.

Give him a budget - for when baby arrives - clothes nappies etc tell him how he needs to put in per week.

It is 50% his, he should pay 50%

MythicalKings · 23/03/2015 17:42

When we married we pooled our money and that's how it still is. I couldn't be in a committed relationship with anyone who still thought in terms of "yours" and "mine".

That's just tight.

Viviennemary · 23/03/2015 17:47

This kind of set up is just hopeless. With you struggling along and him acting like some kind of flat mate. Tell him to either share his money or get out. Don't stand for it. Why exactly does he feel he doesn't have to contribute. Did he not realise you would be earning less because of maternity leave and that babies cost money.

SteppeAwayFromTheKeyboard · 23/03/2015 17:48

totally agree mythicalkings. We have money in the bank that we use when we need it. Not mine or yours.

My mum and dad though have always had 3 accounts, his hers and joint. At times everything ended up in joint because money was tight.

NerrSnerr · 23/03/2015 17:50

If you can't raise issues about financing a baby it doesn't bode well for the next 18 years.

meditrina · 23/03/2015 17:56

I note you said partner, not husband.

I hope you have looked carefully into the legal (and therefore financial) implications of not being married, because given what you've posted here it might be unwise to reduce your independent earnings.

kazza2015 · 24/03/2015 21:38

im having issues at the moment as partner wants me to pay back food shopping i have done from his account... i pay water, electric, phone, internet, kids clothes, kids clubs,kids travel passes, petrol, shopping(most of the time, but he likes good food!) i only work 16 hours a week..he works more. i came from background where mother didnt work but had free reign of finances he came from background that if he got anything he would hold onto it like a magpie!! as i now have to pay him back unfortunately the kids will have to drop a club each :( he says my fault as i am a thief taking from his account.. i will add i do his pwork so have access to his accounts,,. he suffers depression which doesnt help! dont get me wrong he begrudgingly pays the vehicle insurances and will go buy a new tv if one blows up...but it is always made to be an issue over the cost.... starting the think i cant be any worse off if i tried to get myself a small rented place...but feel for the kids:( i have until end of week to setup transfer of a £100 a month to his account...looks like cupboards will be bare!! any words of advise on how to explain this to a controlling, depressive SOB! just to note, the house is his not mine been together 14 years and he has progressively got worse!! phew got that out of my system!

CultureSucksDownWords · 24/03/2015 21:49

Tell him to fuck off? Calling you a thief?! For money to look after his children, what a bastard. He's not any kind of partner if he treats you like this. You would be better off on your own with him paying you proper child support. Don't set up the £100 payment - what can he do if you don't?

TheBookofRuth · 24/03/2015 21:53

I don't understand why women stay in these relationships. Hmm

tumbletumble · 24/03/2015 21:56

That is unbelievably unfair. The DC's costs (including the time you take off work) should be shared from the beginning.

kazza2015 · 24/03/2015 22:23

I ask myself why im such mug for staying..! If i went i would never see any money for kids as he would stop working i reckon! He used to say if i left he wouldnt see kids as would b to hard to not have them at home all the time!...so i would go and have no car (in his name) and b miles from dd skl..i prob should of said i was using his account but as i deal with everything i didnt feel i needed to!..i have seen a cpl of full time jobs which i shall apply for but it so hard as the kids would never get to their clubs if i cant get hours to fit and i am now training to be a coach at one of them and dont want to give that up..i gave him 3000 from my savings 13 years ago for solicitors to help keep his bloody house!!! But if u try and talk to him and i raise my voice its all about him and how the house is messy or the car he turns on me .and i still stay and love him and care....truly brainwashed ay!!!

Apatite1 · 24/03/2015 23:11

Oh dear lord kezza, get a grip! You're being financially abused by this excuse of a man and you still love him?? Wtf. Get a better job, sort your kids out yourself when you're financially independent and dump his sorry arse. It makes me explode in anger when I see women being treated like shit by men who are bloody supposed to love and cherish them!