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Original poster

Is this fair in your opinion?

33 replies

robin3 · 24/10/2006 11:07

Currently debating with a colleague who's in this situation...

His mum is ailing but could still live another 20 years. She needs to move in with his sister but will be self-sufficient for the near future. In order to do this she wants to sell her current house and invest it all in the new property. She has just announced that she plans to leave her daughter the money that has gone in to the house which will be 100's of thousands and leave him any monies left over which will probably amount to nothing.

Fair?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 24/10/2006 11:08

It's her money she can do what she likes with it. No one has any right to expect money from their parents.

Sunnysideup · 24/10/2006 11:23

I agree with soup dragon that your colleague shouldn't get all bitter and twisted about this - none of us should expect money from anybody.

HOWEVER, I know I would rather gnaw all my own limbs off than leave money unequally to my own children (if I had more than one!) I would personally leave a totally equal amount to both children. It's her choice, as I've said, but it's not the choice I would make - in answer to your question, NOT fair; but her choice.

Freckle · 24/10/2006 11:24

Possibly not, but would he prefer to be the main carer once his mum is no longer self-sufficient?? If his sister is prepared to take on the long-term care of their mother, then perhaps his mum sees leaving her the house as a reward for all that work - or perhaps she feels the daughter would be more likely to stick with the care of her if she could see some financial reward at the end of it. Not suggesting that his sister is doing it for that reason, but maybe that's how his mum sees it.

And I agree that it's her money and she can do what she likes with it. If he has a good relationship wtih his sister, she may well pass some over to him when the time comes if she feels it isn't fair for her to have the lot.

SoupDragon · 24/10/2006 11:24

but the sister is going to have the hassle of having the mother live with her for 20 years or so. My mum's mum lived with them for over 35 years. They never had time to themselves.

NotQuiteCockney · 24/10/2006 11:26

If his sister is stepping up and taking care of his mum, then why shouldn't she get more ££? (And of course it's entirely up to the mum, what to do.)

It would probably be more helpful if she sat down with her son and discussed this, though.

My parents have generally given the same amount of £ to my sister as to me (despite any agreements they made with my sister to give her more at them for changing plans), but I always just tell them to give my share to her, as she needs it more. I appreciate them trying to be fair, though.

beckybraAAARGHstraps · 24/10/2006 11:28

Has he offered to care for his mother for the next 20 years?

expatinscotland · 24/10/2006 11:30

What's fair is that she be left alone to do as she sees fit w/her money.

CountessDracula · 24/10/2006 11:32

Yes I agree it is her cash she can do what she wants with it. If the sister is helping her out, potentially for a very long time, then why should she suddenly have to sell the house and uproot when the mother dies?

Sunnysideup · 24/10/2006 11:43

I think personally that money that comes from parents is not given as a reward for who has done more, but comes equally to all children simply because they are who they are.

Possibly galling if you are the child who has done all the caring while the other has swanned off; but personally I couldn't take more than my brother even if I had provided my parents with 24 hr care for 20 years. Doing whatever I do for them has no relation to money in any way, shape or form and I would feel no more right to their money than my brother.

Original poster
robin3 · 24/10/2006 13:06

Interesting consensus of opinion bar one. I've been trying to put a positive spin on it for him but struggling,

I feel it is a little unfair as he has done the vast majority of the looking after to date and the Mum is just spending the money to ease her own retirement. Also the house his sister has chosen doesn't seem to provide well for the Mum and spends far more than she need so tripling the size of her current house where she has happily lived with her grown up children for the past 10 years.

It's also worth mentioning that she inherited the house from her parents, so she more than anyone should know the value of inheritance.

Still...the message is loud and clear. Expect nothing.

OP posts:
bossykate · 24/10/2006 13:12

actually, robin3, while i subscribe to the view that one should expect nothing, i think that leaving inheritance in unequal shares between children is rather unfair and likely to cause resentment and discord after her death.

FioFio · 24/10/2006 13:17

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Normsnockers · 24/10/2006 13:18

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CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 24/10/2006 13:22

Inheritance and wills are such a minefield and I strongly feel that a parent has a resposibility to provide clear instructions and reasons as to how and why their estate is to be divided.
If this friends mum want to leave all her cash in the form of a house to her daughter, fine, but she should tell her son if it is because she feels it will be as a repayment of sorts for being a burden to her daughter in her old age. Otherwise he is going to obviously feel that his mum values him less than his sister, that is normal.
Families split over this kind of thing regularly and it is such a pity because it can be avoided by having a decent will.

My parents own several properties (including an amazing beach house that my father designed)and have stipulated that everything is to be sold and the money is to be split 5 ways. End of story. That is the fairest thing to do imo. That said they also regularly say they intend to spend it all before they die

Cappuccino · 24/10/2006 13:26

if he wants to nurse her till her death, fair enough. In my (quite extensive) experience, elderly people do not become more and more self sufficient as they get older, nor do they enable their live-in children to have a free and easy life.

but if he wants his sister to do it for him, why shouldn't she benefit? His sister is taking on a massive responsibility and what should she do after her mum dies? Sell her house so he can have some?

his sister will prob have to choose at some point whether or not to give up work in order to look after her mother as she gets older. Will he be taking any of the financial responsibility for this?

I think not

BATtymumma · 24/10/2006 13:27

maybe your freind would prefer it if his mum sold her house and then paid the givernment to look after her? i can asa sure you that after a few years in a residential home there will be nothing left for either of them.

Original poster
robin3 · 24/10/2006 13:28

I expect it's one of those things that you can be blase about until it happens to you.

Sad that it will basically blight his relationship with his Mum and Sister for ever more.

OP posts:
FioFio · 24/10/2006 13:28

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Cappuccino · 24/10/2006 13:30

think he should be thinking about helping out his sister with respite weekends as his mother gets older

otherwise she'll end up bitter about having to nurse away years of her life, and he'll end up bitter about money

care of the elderly is an emotional minefield

DominiConnor · 24/10/2006 13:33

If we assume 20 years, then that equates to 10-20,000 per year. Looking after an elderly person 24*7 is not an easy job, so if anything I'd see the daughter as getting the bad end of the deal.

Also the money will probably be taxed, so it's even less.

It seems to me that although it might be less than 20 years, it might equally be a lot more. Some people manage to be old and ailing for far longer.
Since the sister is taking the downside risk of it being 30 or more years, she should get the benefit if it's shorter.

Also there is the issue of what happens if the mother need to enter a nursing home. Hard to get that right, but it's worth bearing in mind that the council can in effect take the home of someone entering such an establishment.

I'm with those who think that you have no right to your parents estate above what they in their sole discretion think you should get.
I'd like to leave stuff to my kids, and we've taken steps that if we die before they leave university that they will be funded. But most parents die when their kids are in their 40-60s, and thus are usually not dependants.
Once my kids leave home, I will of course help out , but if we needed cash to keep us safe and healthy would spend their inheritance with no guilt of any kind.

Original poster
robin3 · 24/10/2006 13:35

Don't know the people involved well enough but the sister is a nice person but an opportunist...so don't think she can conceive of what it may be like in years to come so far she's just too busy telling everyone about her new £700k house with the huge garden and conservatory.

My friend also reckons her choice of house is totally unsuitable for the Mum because the downstairs shower room is nowhere near the bedroom and she doesn't appear to have her own sitting room.

I have met the sister and I can't see her as a long-term carer tbh. There's no way she'd give up her job or independence so the Mum is taking a huge gamble it seems.

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 24/10/2006 13:36

you're better off out of this one I reckon

Blu · 24/10/2006 13:37

His sister would be in effect bumped out of her home if the mother's money will go into a joint house which has to be sold on her death.

If I was the mother I would work out a solution which came out looking equal in terms of the whole situation - because of BK's point.

FioFio · 24/10/2006 13:39

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Cappuccino · 24/10/2006 13:39

tbh it sounds like your friend is sounding off without actually offering his mother any practical advice or help