just found out husband is a gambler - how to protect my finances

[hadabigshocktoday]

Hi,
My husband sat me down this morning and handed me a long letter in which he detailed the situation which in essence is this: he has been gambling intensively on online sites over the last 3-4 years and has built up 10's of thousands of pounds in personal debt on credit cards and loans. He has hit rock bottom by the sounds of it, and has been comtemplating suicide. He asked me to take over the finances and that he understands if I want to leave but he can't keep it a secret any longer as it is killing him. I think because he was so honest about it, and so clearly suffering with the mental health aspect, I haven't even been angry with him or considered what I do about it. He knows that I may leave. I have spent today focusing on trying to get him help by getting in touch with the GP and he has been given antidepressants, and he has called gamcare and they are going to put him in touch will counselling support. I have blocked gambling sites via BT, and made him cancel the football channels on sky (this is what he has been betting on). He tells me he has not gambled for a week, and is done with it. I believe that he believes that right now and anyone who knew him would be absoultely shocked this was him as he is a really good guy, not a player type or a "lad", he obviously has a problem, rather than a natural disregard for us if you know what I mean.

So from that point of view all I can do is hope that is enough and he will stay clear now. But this is the second time this has happened (the first time, he had won (gambling) quite a big sum of cash, and at first we had a nice time having a holiday and buying a computer etc. but then I found out he had gambled the last lot of it away instead of holding on to it for a rainy day in his savings account, but it was his money and so I forgave him.

This time, though I recognise the need to protect the finances for me and our daughter. I don't know if I am going to to stay and try and fix things or go but either way he has asked me to control his finances and the big thing is the mortgage as far as I am concerned - it has a facility to draw down on it, and also there is equity which might get swallowed to pay for his debts if it gets that bad. He tells me he has a plan to pay it off, and maybe that is so, but it will take a long time and I am not sure if he will be able to stick to it. I wondered if a good option might be for him to sign over the house to me and in doing so release some of the money we can draw against tit to make the debt more manageable with the understanding that (assuming we are able to salvage the marriage) he can come back into the house when he has paid it and us back.

Sorry this is muddled, I am muddled right now. I wondered if anyone had any advice for me on how to go about this (or even anyone who has personally been involved with gambling addictions who could offer any insight).

Thanks :-)

good luck nestee, but unfortunately I am too much of a scaredy to risk it. I spoke to a solicitor yesterday, and she tells me that the only true way to protect us against the potential future financial implications is divorce. So there is my answers. I need to do whatever I can to protect DD. Thanks so much for your support during thenfirst few days, it really helped....

Very sad but I think the right decision for you, hadabigshocktoday. Separating doesn't prevent him from being a good and loving dad to your DD, although his addiction might.

Have you ordered your credit reports to make sure nothing has been taken out in your name? Has he fessed up to his mum and, more importantly, have you started talking to people in real life about this?

Hi Tribpot, yes I have told lots of people around me now so I am getting some support in the real world... I haven't told him anything yet just want to tie everything up a bit first. He still hasn't told his mum :-( But he has told his friends and is staying at a friends house not at home. I am awaiting credit report on me - I have seen his and unbelievably at the moment he has an excellent credit rating. He has spoken to step change and agreed a plan to repay, which will affect his credit rating, he is still insisting they have said it won't affect me but I know that is wishful thinking. Thanks for all your help everyone, it made a huge difference when I wasn't ready to talk about it in real life :-)

Speaking as a daughter of a gambling father, I don't think that you can ever really trust a gambler or ex-gambler fully financially again.
My father put the family home at risk several times and it was only because my mum had rich parents that bailed her out several times that we didn't lose the home. I am one of 5 children, and our lives would have been very different if we had lost the family home and had to move into council accommodation.
My Mum covered up and bailed out my Dad several times, due to shame and loyalty, but eventually she did start taking control of things, ringing up banks etc to prevent him getting credit, and telling his friends and colleagues (which my Dad, as a proud and arrogant man was the worst thing ever).
The problem is my Dad thought he was smarter than the system, and that one day he would beat them and win big. I have no idea what he would do with a big win - just gamble it away again, because he certainly didn't care about his family, otherwise he wouldn't have risked our futures.

Op, unless you really love this man and you can't live without him I would leave. It never stops, my Dad is in his mid-70s now and I still expect he will gamble away everything, the only thing that stops him is that my Mum is joint owner of the house, he is a pensioner so presumably can't get credit as easily without put the house as assurance) and he needs her permission to sell or mortgage it.

The only time I properly spoke to him about his problem (a few years ago) he admitted he was £90K in debt (always had a good job in the civil service, and is very tight in all other areas of money, so he this debt was from gambling only) I assume the money will come out of his share of the family home when he dies, luckily he is a baby-boomer with a big house in a nice area so the sale of it will cover the debt.

Hadabigshocktoday please could you get in contact if you’re still on here? I’m wanting to see how things worked out, your story is almost exactly the same as mine with the same dilemmas. I’d love to have some advice from someone who has been there and has some hindsight. Thanks