just found out husband is a gambler - how to protect my finances

[hadabigshocktoday]

Hi,
My husband sat me down this morning and handed me a long letter in which he detailed the situation which in essence is this: he has been gambling intensively on online sites over the last 3-4 years and has built up 10's of thousands of pounds in personal debt on credit cards and loans. He has hit rock bottom by the sounds of it, and has been comtemplating suicide. He asked me to take over the finances and that he understands if I want to leave but he can't keep it a secret any longer as it is killing him. I think because he was so honest about it, and so clearly suffering with the mental health aspect, I haven't even been angry with him or considered what I do about it. He knows that I may leave. I have spent today focusing on trying to get him help by getting in touch with the GP and he has been given antidepressants, and he has called gamcare and they are going to put him in touch will counselling support. I have blocked gambling sites via BT, and made him cancel the football channels on sky (this is what he has been betting on). He tells me he has not gambled for a week, and is done with it. I believe that he believes that right now and anyone who knew him would be absoultely shocked this was him as he is a really good guy, not a player type or a "lad", he obviously has a problem, rather than a natural disregard for us if you know what I mean.

So from that point of view all I can do is hope that is enough and he will stay clear now. But this is the second time this has happened (the first time, he had won (gambling) quite a big sum of cash, and at first we had a nice time having a holiday and buying a computer etc. but then I found out he had gambled the last lot of it away instead of holding on to it for a rainy day in his savings account, but it was his money and so I forgave him.

This time, though I recognise the need to protect the finances for me and our daughter. I don't know if I am going to to stay and try and fix things or go but either way he has asked me to control his finances and the big thing is the mortgage as far as I am concerned - it has a facility to draw down on it, and also there is equity which might get swallowed to pay for his debts if it gets that bad. He tells me he has a plan to pay it off, and maybe that is so, but it will take a long time and I am not sure if he will be able to stick to it. I wondered if a good option might be for him to sign over the house to me and in doing so release some of the money we can draw against tit to make the debt more manageable with the understanding that (assuming we are able to salvage the marriage) he can come back into the house when he has paid it and us back.

Sorry this is muddled, I am muddled right now. I wondered if anyone had any advice for me on how to go about this (or even anyone who has personally been involved with gambling addictions who could offer any insight).

Thanks :-)

Yes, it's sad. The reason he should want not to tell her is because she will be understandably hurt, angry and shocked that he's pissed away TWENTY GRAND of her money. Particularly he knows that he will have to own up to having spent it on gambling when she gave it to him to get him out of the hole he had dug with his habit. The fact he isn't primarily concerned about disappointing her but about cutting off his access to funds is evidence he hasn't hit rock bottom yet.

To be clear - the constant rescuing has not led him to this. He did it himself, he chose this, however incomprehensible and illogical it seems. But the rescuing certainly does not help him find his own way to recovery.

I wouldn't mix business and personal funds, btw, sounds like it could get complicated if your accounts are audited.

I understand that you're trying to cut off his access to money out of self-preservation but this is something he has to do. Hasn't he come clean to you about all the sites he's been using? Haven't you sat with him and deactivated his accounts on all of these sites together? (I suspect you may have put the bar on the sites too quickly to do that). Fundamentally if he wants to gamble, he will do. He will persuade his friends it's not as bad as you're making out and can they set accounts up for him and lend him money. Tap up other relatives or make up a story sufficient to get his poor mother to cough the cash over. You can't stop him. That's what addiction is.

It doesn't have to be the end of your marriage forever but I think it would help if he moved out temporarily - and spent that time coming up with a credible plan for his recovery and his debts. Haven't you cut his cards up? You must know it's impractical that he could ever have them back in the near future.

I think this is a relationship problem as much as it is a financial one. You're not going to be able to trust him and that's bad news. The only cast iron way to separate yourself financially is divorce. His personal debts are currently his personal liability. Joint debts you are jointly responsible for. Joint/marital assets you have a joint claim to. If you stay together it's inevitable that you'll end up paying for his debts, coming under pressure to cash in assets and reschedule mortgages etc.

Did you know about the £20k from his mother?

What does she think he did with it?

Hiya, thanks for the honest advice, it's what I need. I cannot afford at this point to be romantic or idealistic. I am coming more and more to the conclusion that this is a lost clause. I deserve more than this. He has pushed things too far.
Bear behind: I knew nothing of any of this until yesterday. He went to his mother I don't know when, told her he had got himself in trouble with gambling and Was scared I'd leave him, and she gave him the £20k to get him out of trouble. She thinks he paid off his gambling debts and stopped gambling. If he can do it to her, he will do it to me. That's what I have to tell myself now isn't it?

Hi Tribpot - I have moved the funds into a business savings account I never use, just so it is safe so not mixed up with the buskness cash. Also as I am a sole trader not limited company it would just be seen as cash in by me. And then negated as cash out when I withdraw it. I have his cards (I think) and I haven't signed him out of those accounts because I thought a block ban would be better in case he "forgot" one. He cannot access them at work so the only issue would be his phone internet. I think his comes under the heading of if he wants to gamble he will, and the very fact we are having to have this conversation tells me now I have to leave - I cannot cover all the bases.

Speaking as someone who's seen this with in my own family, there is nothing you can do.

The more you post, the more it sounds like he's only told you about it all as he's run out of choices.

Whatever you do is going to be difficult- leaving is certainly not going to be easy as he'll having nothing to lose then and will probably go into self destruct mode.

His mother is pretty fucking stupid- giving a gambling addict twenty grand was never going to end well.

good luck with whatever you decide.

Bearbehjnd - that's what I am beginning to realise too. It's shitty whichever way I look at it - he is my daughters father and of course I don't want him to go into self destruct mode, but I also cannot help stop that and I think if I don't protect myself and my daughter then he will take us down with him.

His mother is a fool - she has enabled his brother to live at home rent free not helping out at all until (so far) age 45. Nuff said.

If the accounts still exist there's any number of ways for him to access them - VPN off your BT broadband, use free wi-fi out of the house, etc. But even if the accounts were closed he could just set them back up again.

It sounds like he will be able to move back in with his mum if you do ask him to leave - more fool her of course but at least you don't have to worry about chucking him out on the streets?

If I were you, I would want to know what he's been doing today that might even come close to the amount of stressing and researching and questioning that you've been doing. He could have been looking at debt management plans, or researching support groups for gambling addicts, making a confession to his mum, closing his accounts down ... I don't think he's done any of those things because he thinks he's dumped this on you to sort out for him (you manage the flow of money so he can't gamble) and gone off to feel sorry for himself. I assume he's coming back at some point tomorrow - I would ask him to list what he's done today and outline his plan for the coming weeks. If he hasn't told his mother, she must be told. And frankly asked not to bail him out again (if she could even afford to).

I think his comes under the heading of if he wants to gamble he will, and the very fact we are having to have this conversation tells me now I have to leave - I cannot cover all the bases.

I think this is it in a nutshell. If he really wants to gamble (and he does) he'll find a way to get the money, including opening more credit cards or (God forbid) borrowing from 'shady characters' at exorbitant interest rates.

Do you really want to live the rest of your life having to watch him like a hawk and guard your finances like an eagle guards its nest? Worrying that his gambling will ruin not only his credit, but yours? I know I wouldn't want to live that way.

Nope I don't want to live like that and also I can't - I have been ill this year and this is too much. Couldn't sleep at all last night and so upset...
Tribpot you are right, his mum must be told. And he has to come up with a way to protect me and DD. I have sort of decided (but am not in a good mental/emotional place right now) that I am going to sit him down today and make sure I have all the information I need then tomorrow I am going to protect the mortgage by phoning them and telling them I do not want any loans or anything being taken out on it without me being present to sign. I genuinely don't believe he would forge my signature but then I didn't believe this would happen either.

Once everything is as protected as I can make it I will tell him that if he wants to stay as part of this family then he needs to show us that he is wanting to make amends, by going away, sorting out his finances and coming back to us with evidence that he has 1. Faced up to his probs and begun to sort them out 2. Stopped gambling. I am thinking this will take months, and in the meantime he has to live somewhere else - his mum lives quite a way away but he does have very good and loyal friends who I am certain will put him up. My concern now is my mental health - I did not think this has affected me this much but now I realise this has brought me to the point that I am struggling to cope - it's affecting my eating and sleeping, and I need to keep going. Thanks so much for all your support - in truth I am a stranger to you all and yet you are taking time out of your lives and offering me such caring and sound advice and for that I am very grateful, thank you xxx

OP your child's name is in your last post. You might want to ask MN to remove the name.

Ring the bank yes but also put it in writing via email to confirm.

OP, you've used your dd's name in your post - I would report it to MN so they can edit her name out if you want?

I don't think he can take a loan out against the house without you co-signing anyway, so I don't think there's any point in contacting the mortgage lender at this stage. I do think you have to assume a guy who will piss away 20 grand of his mum's money is capable of nearly anything, though.

I would talk to Gamcare or have a look at their forums - you will be far from the only person in this situation. I think financial protection at any cost is probably the best thing for your mental health right now.

Make sure you are leaning on your friends in real life - you should not attempt to soldier on nobly on your own. You also need to break the barrier of secrecy surrounding this. Be kind to yourself- this is a terrible shock and you must feel like your family unit is under attack from the inside.

Thanks and I cannot believe I used her name - how do I report this to get it removed? just shows how bad my state of mind is today!

Ps Tribpot - I was thinking moreabout protecting against him signing my name fraudulently. Was going to ask that only if I am present to sign. Again don't think he would risk that but who knows if his back is against the wall. When he realises I am not going to fix this for me I wonder if he will get angry - and then he may do anything.

Financially anything I mean

Scratch that just worked out how to report it :-)

You sound like such a nice person OP but don't take this rubbish.

Thank you. The worst thing is that he was a nice person too. Makes it more of a shock.

You can cancel his credit cards. Call the companies say your husband is on holiday and lost his wallet. Please can they cancel and he will call when he is back to order new ones. Change your joint account into just your name; he will need to go with you to the back to do that. Good luck

I don't think the credit card companies can deal with OP as she is not the account holder. And, again, this needs to be coming from him. She is not liable for his credit card debt unless she chooses to take that burden on.

He may be angry that you're not sorting this out - it sounds as if that's how he's coasted by for most of his life? Again, the biggest favour you can do him is not doing it.

They will talk to spouse. They won't let you order new cards but will allow you to cancel. I have done it before.

You also need to let his friends know why he has moved out so he can not get 'loans' from them.

Actually op I'm in the same boat as you. It's a nightmare. But just because he's done all this doesn't mean he's not a good person any more. Gambling is an illness. He will need specialist Cognitive behavioural therapy because he really has to get to the bottom of his behaviour.

I decided to stay, but it's a long and bumpy road with many backward steps. Maybe I'm a muppet, but I love him and my kids worship him. I wish you lots of luck.