I'm a shopaholic, please help

[afterthought]

Just that really, I'm a shopaholic and I can't stop. It has left me in debt which I feel like I'm desperate to get out of, yet even that isn't enough for me to stop.

I shop because I feel useless and worthless 99.9% of the time, having things makes me feel a 'success'. I had counselling but it made it worse.

I need to stop but I don't know how.

Please help :(

I'll have a look at the book and see what it looks like. Without meaning to sound defeatist, I'm not sure how helpful things like that are for me. I already understand a lot about myself (I have an A level in Psychology, plus my degree and MA are centred around psychology) and I have successfully managed to use the theories to largely overcome OCD. I started mindfulness training but the programme I signed up to does a lot via podcasts which you listen to in a relaxed environment. That hasn't worked as the voice is really soothing and I always fall asleep!

Last week was a good week as I was on Guide camp. I had my ipad with me but didn't even have the temptation. Without wishing to sound bigheaded I am a good leader, and the week meant lots of positive feedback from the girls and the other helpers and evenings were spent socialising around the campfire.

On the whole though, this month hasn't been great despite me being so positive that it would be. I have tried YNAB but it didn't work for me, mainly because I have enough money each month to pay all the bills and food etc, there is just one area I haven't been able to control. Although I might start using it again but just to keep track of where the money is going. I used to make really big purchases but I think it has changed to a little here and a little there.

My next idea is to draw out cash each week and that be that - if I buy anything online, I have to put the cash in my piggy bank. I tried this once before giving myself £80 per week, but my travel costs were £60 per week so it was a bit of a non-starter. Travel costs are drastically reduced now so it is a realistic amount.

Hmm,
I have an A level in Psychology, plus my degree and MA are centred around psychology

One of the wisest things my Dad ever said is that shrinks are people who were sent to see one as a kid and thought "I can do that"

You need to step away from all of the theory and reinforcement that the qualifications give you and look at the world with a cold hard stare.

If you are still shopping in a way that leaves you feeling unhappy then you do not understand what is driving it.

You need to find a good friend, preferably rather blunt and not at all cuddly to cut to the chase and say it as they see it because there is clearly something going on that you have not spotted.

I know what drives it, I feel absolutely crap about myself. Shopping used to be the only thing that made me feel better as nice things made me feel worth something. I think to a certain extent it probably still makes me feel better about myself, even only briefly.

I have acquaintances but no friends. Despite being someone who will do anything for anyone, I don't see a soul. I try to arrange to meet with people but nothing ever comes of it. I try to be happy with just DP but it's hard. My dad's never wanted me, he let my stepmum emotionally abuse me for years. 'friends' don't want me around so it just reinforces the fact that there is something inherently wrong with me. Sorry if that sounds self-pitying it isn't meant to. I just don't know where things went so wrong. I became very good at using clothes to cover up how bad things were.

I tried counselling to make me feel better about myself but it made it worse. I'm at a point where I just don't know what to do or where to turn.

Sorry didn't mean to be so negative I'm not usually like that, just a bad day. I love school hols but they can get to you sometimes!

Bit of a wake up call today. My card got blocked as my bank thought my card had been cloned. Was a bit embarrassing having to say that no, it was me. I also returned some clothes I had bought, where I had ordered multiple of the same item (I seem to have a bizarre obsession with having 3 of everything) - made up some story about my internet keep refreshing when I ordered. Felt extremely embarrassed again.

Have had a long chat with my mum who knows about my issues. Have set myself a challenge of no new clothes before Christmas. I don't need any, there's enough in my stockpile to keep me going about 10 years! I've dug out some old puzzle books to keep me busy in the evenings, and if I run out I can make some loom bracelets / friendship bracelets for our stall at the annual Guide Fayre (I can claim the money for materials from unit funds).

My annual statement for my student loan came through too. I only have about 18 payments left to make. If I can get the rest of the debt paid off by then it will effectively double my disposable income, as at the moment half goes on student loan and debt.

What are your hobbies?
AS in what do you do other than working and spending money?
Sport? Dancing ? Crafts? Music? Arts?
Just that maybe some new acquaintances from different walks of life - who know nothing about your past - might be good for your head .....

My biggest hobby is Guides. I'm not sure whether many would consider it a hobby as it is largely doing stuff for others, often with no thanks but I enjoy it. Guides takes up a lot of my time and there are lots of other adults that help, all a similar age. However, they have known each other since they were Guides so I'm the outsider even though I get on well with them.

I go to the gym a lot on my own which I don't mind as I enjoy just listening to my music. I'm not a fan of the group classes although I have just checked online and discovered they have a badminton club which might be worth a go as I really like badminton. I love climbing and would love to find a club but all the ones I've looked at do most of their training at term time residentials which makes them a bit of a no-go for me.

I'm not sure what else I could do to meet new people. I joined a dancing group, but found I was the youngest by 40 years so wasn't great for socialising. Everything locally seems to run on the same day of the week, which unfortunately is the same day as I do Guides.

I think I'm at an awkward age too - too old to be clubbing with the early 20s but don't have the baby I'd need to join the mother and baby groups!

I've thought about joining the rambling association as there is a local group and their walks tend to just be a day thing. As much as I'd love to join some of the mountaineering groups, I think it is a bit selfish to join a group where I'd potentially be away 2 weekends of every month - I know you don't have to go to all of them, but I think it defeats the object of trying to make new friends if you just rock up once in a while!

I am not a shopaholic (I actually find shopping quite stressful tbh!) but since last year I have been trying to buy things to "make things better" iyswim?
It has, quite Honestly, Been the worst year of my life. Multiple bereavements, my own illness and surgery and my sons illness and surgery.
Added to that our moneypit of a house and it's been a rough year!!
BUT of course, what I have realised is that spending money doesn't make you feel better...not even if you have plenty of spare cash!
You are doing the right thing by trying to find the root cause of your feelings.
I know what you mean about saving things for best and I don't do that anymore either. I had a wardrobe of stuff I didn't wear because it was "too good".
I am trying to sell a few things on e bay but not having any luck. Since the postal charge changes it's gotten a lot harder to sell stuff ime.
My sister does have what I consider a real issue with shopping.
She is very unhappy - her dh is a total waste of space and causes her untold stress - but he earns ££££ and sad to say she stays with him because of that :(
Her house, garden and garage are chock full of stuff Stuff they don't even use or is broken.
I am worried about her. We offered to take some stuff to the tip for her today. She texted last night to day she hadn't had time to sort it out :(
You are far more self aware than she is, and will therefore make good progress.
Good luck x

OP,
While suffering from jetlag my mind drifted and I'm going to make a really radical suggestion.
You need to go "cold turkey" from the Guides for a year.
Why?
Because the guides defines who you are and focusess on how you got there rather than whhere you want to be.

If you take a break from it and recreate your social life around new things and people
you may find a lot of the patterns and memories will be reconfigured at the same time.

it will need to be a complete break

after which you can then take a considered view as to how much you want to go back.

I did not been to belittle your issues but sometimes you have deal with manifestations of deeper issues on a simple level. Overcoming an addiction can be a tremendous boost to self confidence with a spin off far beyond improving your bank balance, A friend with major addiction problems and a horrendous childhood consulted a number of psychiatrists. Wealthy so could go privately and was willing to pay for lots of therapy. He was told that he could easily spend the rest of his life in therapy but not to consider any sort of talking therapy until he had gone cold turkey on the addiction for at least a year as it was likely to be useless at best or even make him worse. As you have discovered,therapy can be counterproductive. What you have to deal with now is breaking the habit. This is something you can do. It is a tough one as we all need to shop so perhaps you could look at what works for those who are overweight. Lots of people are obese for years and then successfully lose weight and keep it off.They will have an array of issues that they could spend their lives trying to disentangle in therapy but they all lose weight by cutting the calories. So far as new activities are concerned,what about teaching related activities? More qualifications or union activity? Teaching seems to be quite a good job for making new friends once you are grown up and past the clubbing stage as you always have a lot to talk about to each other that is genuinely interesting. It seems you need to cast your net wider than your own staffroom to find people in your age group who are not taken up with maternity.

Have been away so had a lot of time to think.

TalkinPeace I can see why you have suggested me giving up Guides but I don't think I am going to. If it makes a difference, I gave it up for 7 years in my early adulthood and then decided to go back, but to a different area so was all new people. Funnily enough, while I was away one of the other leaders has set up a day out for us all so maybe there is more potential for social activities away from the kids. I will give giving up more thought but I don't think it is the right thing to do - I couldn't just give up (well that's not true, I could but it would leave a group without a qualified leader, and being unable to take part in any residential activities as I hold the licence for our area) and I care too much about the girls to just leave them in the lurch.

ItsDinah - you're right about the shopping addiction being hard to break because shopping is essential (food etc) but I like your analogy to losing weight - I had never thought of it in those terms before. I have successfully changed my diet in the last 6 months and lost 10% of my body weight so I'll try to apply the principles to this. I've never found courses great for meeting new people - I'll chat to people happily while I'm there but it never goes further. A lot of courses are also study from home style or very expensive (the one I'm currently doing is both!).

I've been away for 10 days and in that time did not spend a penny. There weren't exactly any shopping opportunities and I tend not to just buy pointless tat so haven't come back with 10 straw donkeys! However, there was free wifi in the hotel so I could have done loads of internet shopping but I didn't - not for 10 days. I could have spent a fortune, for example whilst laying on my sunlounger but I also associate sunloungers with reading so I read. I need to change my habits at home - rather than sitting on my laptop of an early morning or evening I could read or do a puzzle book.

Welcome home from your hols, and well done to have analysed it much more clearly.

Jigsaws are a good way to kill long evenings - and you cannot do a 1000 piece while on a laptop : I bought one of teh Rosetta stone that I'm saving for when the nights draw in - I garden in the summer evenings.

I love gardening, we moved last year and have a big garden. It has taken me ages to sort out as the house was in probate for ages so was massively overgrown - took me 2 weeks of constant digging to finally get on top of it. Have planted some stuff which I've enjoyed watching. DP has built me a greenhouse so I can throw myself into that.

The Rosetta Stone thing sounds good, I've never given one a go. I did sign up to a course at the start of the year for career development but then got the promotion I wanted it for a week later. I haven't done any of it yet as been so busy with my new job, but can throw myself into it in the winter.

I ended up going shopping yesterday as I needed to pick something up from Boots which is in a retail park. I had a look in my favourite non-branded clothes shop and tried some things on I liked. What I discovered was that seeing the items in the flesh before parting with cash made me really analysed if they did look good on, which I decided that while they were ok, they didn't look great so I wasn't going to pay for them. Had I seen them on the internet I would have bought them then tried them on and thought, oh they'll do - because it doesn't feel like I'm parting with cash I don't think too much about whether they are worth what I've paid.

I've also bagged up all my 'indoor' clothing to take to the charity shop. I have so many nice clothes that I never wear because I never deem an occasion important enough for them. I spend most of my life in old, shapeless stuff which doesn't make me feel good - I did wonder if this is linked to the online shopping.

My mum called last night to tell me there was a documentary about compulsive shopping on BBC - that's on my watch list for today!

Afterthought you sound very much like me!

My weakness is holidays and travelling though and I will put trips on a credit card rather than saving up for them. I absolutely love it and spend half my life dreaming about the next trip.

I'm really rubbish with clothes too although got slightly better lately. I buy lots of the same thing but unlike you I do always wear them and often wear them to death.

Have had many many credit cards over the years and always maxed out on them, got myself a bank loan to pay off and then started all over again . I did quite well on here for a few months at the beginning of the year and didn't buy a thing but then went completely off the rails and haven't dared to creep back.

I'm going to go cold turkey too now for a few months as have just spent a huge amount on a fantastic holiday. I didn't have a hard childhood or anything but just have this burning desire to do things immediately as I always think that you could drop dead or your circumstances could change at any time so you need to make the best of everything and not wait. It's not a very sensible policy it has to be said as I'm in my late 40's and have worked on that principle for the last 30 years and it has got me into nothing but trouble.

I've always used the losing weight analogy with trying to stop spending. It is so similar as when you are really in debt you just think 'oh what's another tenner' when you are £k in debt bit like what's another cake when massively overweight. It's all down to willpower and that's something I don't have in abundance.

Will follow this thread with interest and hope

Oh I can identify with this. And to the person who said it's boredom. ......errrrr not always. The first time I had an issue was at 18 and I would just go clothes shopping all the time. I couldn't see it at the time but I look back now and see that I was very very depressed back then and for me it was escapism. I had some truly awful personal stuff going on at the time, it was the absolute worst time of my life. Going shopping was about avoiding thinking about my problems and finding a quick fix way to cheese myself up - much like drugs and alcohol. I was also bordering on having issues with alcohol at the time I think.
I came out the other side and am pretty much in control now but I could easily go back to it, except these days I hate going shopping in shops, but I can spend hours trawling the Internet for details of some item that I can't live without, or holidays I must go on (I'm bad for holidays too!)
It is a bit obsessive, one month it'll be a food processor, next a pram, when we were house hunting I couldn't sleep for running through all the options in my head. I got like that about the pram too actually.
Good luck OP, recognising you have a problem is a big first step as they say! X

Cheer myself up, not cheese!

The not spending has been going reasonably well. I think it is the part of me that thinks 'can't buy it as pointless having it sat in a box where DP can't see it rather than being able to wear it'. If I only shopped when I needed to (which won't be for ages) I could actually show off the stuff I have.

Today is 'sort out' day. I have decided it is pointless having one coat for work, one coat for weekends etc (I have about 10). My weekend coats(s) are lovely but never get worn as they are away. I spend most of my time at work, then at weekends put my work one on as I can't be bothered to get the others out. I used to think people would think I was odd if I wore the same coat for work and casual - how stupid was I? Much better to have a coat that gets worn to death. I'm the same with trainers - one pair for gym, one for work things, one for Guides stuff - I should just have one pair (with maybe an old pair for messy activities) that get worn rather than the 8 I have!

If I can change this way of thinking, i.e. stop splitting my life up, I can beat this.

Yes you can
and you are starting to really look at the issues in terms of solutions to them
WELL DONE

Breaking the habit is going well. I met with some ex-colleagues last week in town which was nice - being in town isn't an issue for me so didn't have to worry about shopping.

I've found making Loom Bracelets to be an excellent distraction technique for the internet habit. It is a useful thing to do as we can sell them at one of our many Guide fundraising events. I've always been a fiddler so it really focuses me - and stops my fingers from clicking on web pages buying things!

I had a blip the other day but I tried to use the dieting analogy. If I have an unhealthy day, I do an extra session at the gym to balance it. So, I put a couple of extra bits on ebay that I don't use anymore and they will cover the cost of the purchase.

I actually feel like the desire to shop is weakening :)

I got a rather hefty tax rebate this month too. Usually, it would have been spent by now as it is 'extra' income on top of my budget. But, nearly a month later it is still in my savings account. It is nice knowing that I won't have a panic about affording Christmas, birthdays and getting my car serviced - these 'panics' often caused me to spend even more which was bizarre.

Loom bands as displacement therapy : love it!

And well done, well done about no longer letting money burn a hole in your pocket
and feeling happier with what you have

A whole week with nothing purchased aside from the food shopping :)

WELL DONE
BUT
how are you feeling?
how much do you miss it, or not?
are you getting better at valuing yourself by who you are now, rather than who your family pretended you were as a kid?

AND
I have to admit that the changes you are making are something that needs to be shouted from more rooftops than just this thread

I don't miss it at all. I certainly don't miss the sneaking around picking up parcels from my shopping. It had got to the point I didn't actually get a buzz from shopping, but buying something removed the anxiety of worrying about whether or not I should buy it. This week would have been the hardest too - DP works shifts and despite living together I've not seen him since Monday morning so I've had plenty of time to shop if I wanted to. Plus first week back at school and meeting my new class = stress = trigger for shopping.

I'm not sure if I feel better about myself - it was me that used all the stuff to pretend I was something different - I didn't want people to know the pain I felt. I've been asked to run a new project at work and it is opening a lot of old wounds, but I kind of feel like every time I buy something to make me feel better (and consequently don't reduce the debt) I'm letting them win.

The loom bands are definitely working well for when I'm too tired to read or do any school work / my college course. I'm getting quite good - I mastered the Hexafish tonight! I used to do cross stitch which I hope to get back into once I have the head space for following a pattern.

PS - paid about £1K off the debt this month (that's my minimum payment but for once I haven't borrowed it back!).