Can we afford a child?

[TheMD]

DP and I have been together for a couple of years and would love to have a baby at some point in a not too distant future. I'm worried about whether we can afford it without compromising the quality of our life too much, although I do realise that things will have to change.

We have a combined income of £50k at the moment although I would only get the legally required maternity pay from my employer. There are things we could easily cut from the budget (like the £80 per month gym membership and not strictly necessary designer make up) but I'm worried our lives will become an endless struggle to pay for childcare/find the cheapest possible holidays etc.

I do realise that the emotions and joys of being parents can't be measured in monetary terms but at the same time...We will still be the same people who like being financially ok. Not brilliant but ok.

Can we afford to have a child?

But Shara you would have more money if you didn't waste it on luxuries, leaving you with less stress. You have created a vicious circle and that impacts on your family so not child focused at all.

Where does the pressure come from- parents, partner, media? Sorry I don't understand it.

I agree with pavlov you can have luxuries if you are good at money saving and organisation

I thought like you pre DCs. I have 2 boys now and survive on one income due to divorce. I work part time so my income is reduced but my children and I manage comfortably.

We do take holidays in this country though. I don't really fancy the sort of holidays I like on my own with 2 young children!

I personally find camping hard work for a number of reasons, but love it and so do the children, so we have compromised and we go glamping in yurts now! fabulous. The best holidays ever. Camping will happen again when the children are a little older and able to help more (disability means DH has to do it all at the moment).

I can see what sharluck is saying, parenting is the most stressful job in the world but can also be the most rewarding & loving.
However, not every woman can adopt to motherhood & what comes along with it how they may think they might, or are expected to. Some mums do miss the luxuries that came along with having no children & honestly they do miss them & crave them, that doesn't make them bad mothers, just it's very difficult to juggle!
Can i ask TheMD, and this is a personal question & if you don't want to answer it that's totally fine, but why do you want to have children? Is it because that's what you see as being expected in the next step of your life, what you think you should be doing, or is it a deep down inside natural yearning for you?
I would probably get shot at dawn for being so openly honest & whilst i love my two unconditionally, if i had my time over & don't know if i would have had children.
No-one realise's the change motherhood brings, no-one can forecast what child you are going to get & what can happen as they grow etc, and we certainly can't plan financially to exactly what will happen over the course of our time & having children involved in that.
Children can bring massive amounts of love to your life but also massive amounts of strain be it mentally/financially etc.

It's a huge step to take, bigger than what i think really is given credit to if i'm being honest. It seem's so very easy to just have a baby, but it's the future after the baby that needs careful planning & consideration as from that point you aren't the most important person in the world anymore, the child is as you are responsible for them & would never want to let them down or not be able to give them a happy secure life.

horse no we are not in a cycle of spending on luxuries at the moment. I would like to, and miss that choice but we are not in the position of spending on anything but essentials at the moment. But I know the pressure and tension would certainly be lifted if we did (and it has in the past).

I agree with everything you have said ^^ emma

I just feel grateful and glad that I have enough for the essentials tbh. Anything above is a bonus but it doesn't define my life, doesn't dictate my happiness not having luxuries. I think you are in danger of being resentful if you equate poverty with dcs, imo they make my life richer. Unless you are really scraping the barrel every month and having to go undernourished or without heating, of course.

I know when they are older I will be able to spend more on myself in terms of quality food, better holidays and clothes.

Thanks Preciousbane, i was sure i would get shot at!
I just think having children doesn't get the thorough thinking through as what it probably should when you consider the massive lifetime commitment, and yes i'm guilty of that lol!

Emma what you say is what put me off having children until much too late. The overthinking and angst. Thinking through who you have a child with is probably the most important bit, closely followed by where you live.

op, it doesn't matter if you are financially ready to have children or not
the real question is are you ready emotionally to have children
if you are thinking of all the things that you will have to give up when you have children, then I guess the answer is you are not ready emotionally
parenthood is not about what you have to give up
it's about what you gain

I believe you can over think these things.
We ,never planned dc and ended up with 3 and just sort of went with the flow.
We were pretty poor with one min wage for a good number of years, certainly no luxuries but we did what we felt right for our family.
now many years later we still have one min wage but have very few out goings so feel very rich compared to some.
If you wait or plan you can leave it too late.

A 4 bedroom house before having one child is entirely unnecessary. You would be paying extra mortgage to have 2 spare rooms! Most people can't afford to pay for empty space. You can afford to have a baby but if you aren't considering g it for a while you should both pay into a savings account which would then be used to cover the drop in income duringmaternity leave.

You dont need a four bedroomed house for two adults and a child, two bedrooms is more than enough.

Only you know your outgoings and whether feeding, clothing and childcare for a new person can be accomodated.

Its not just money you have to look at, two years is a short term relationship. Why the rush? Children bring a lot of new challenges and the relationship has to be long standing and strong enough to cope in the main.

horsetowater your right that those are important decisions but how can having a baby that will turn into a child & adult for whom you are responsible for for the rest of your life as being a parent doesn't end when they turn 18, be the 3rd important decision? Surely the sole responsibility of that is the first decision, then followed by who the partner is & where you live?

If by some quirk of fete you found yourself 20 weeks pregnant and you couldn't do anything about it. You would cope, you could afford it, you'd get by. Its whats happened to people for thousands of years.
You don't need expensive stuff. We had a bottom drawer sanded down and varnished for ds1 and he managed in that until we started to buy second hand nursery equipment.
We had a four bedroom house but we bought it when ds1 was 1 year old as a dooer upper. it needed so much work it was really cheap.

Emma16 - thank you, you have pinpointed the exact doubts I have aways had about having children. Its a massive step, and I struggle to understand how people have them with a "whatever happens, happens; it'll be fine" attitude. But hey - not my children, not my family, not my place to worry.

My reasons for wanting children...well, it's certainly not a yearning; I was never one of those girls/young women who saw it as something obvious and natural to do. I suppose a part of it is that I'm in my late 20s now and am aware that biologically speaking, my chances of a perfectly healthy pregnancy are starting to diminish a bit. I also want to give my body a chance at getting back to some sort of aesthetically pleasing normality and age makes that more difficult. I have finally found a man I want to spend the rest of my life with and if I was to have children with anyone, he is that man. I know he feels the same.

And yes, there is an element of expectation - my best friend had a baby last year and nearly all of my and DP's friends have children - but I don't see anything wrong with that. It's not a pressure that makes me feel left behind or uncomfortable, I just feel like the current phase of my life will soon end and I'm curious and excited about what could come next.

P.S. Thank you all again for the contributions - I must save this thread somewhere, some really invaluable advice here.

morethanpotatoprints - you are absolutely correct - if I found myself pregnant (even 8 weeks), I would not terminate (don't know if this would have been the case a year ago)and we would cope. This is true. But the decision to consciously "try" for a baby, the conversations and the planning would be taken out of our hands.

I think most women have the curiosity about taking the next step & having children, i think few really really think about it which is what i was trying to say.
You can over think things obviously & that can become tricky as 'change' can be quite scary & it's easier to sit back & keep things as they are.
I think, if your pretty sure if you found yourself pregnant & you wouldn't terminate, this probably indicates what you do subconsciously want to happen for you & your partner.
It's true that whatever happens you cope & this can be applied to every aspect of life be it with children involved or not..the decision is, Im a confident & sure enough to 'cope' with all the changes that motherhood brings, the challenges life throws at us with children involved because it does completely change you as a person, i don't care what anyone say's. And if your 90% sure that the answer would be yes, then you'll be fine :)

I'm still unsure on the house move tho. Like others have said your only going to occupy 2 bedrooms, why pay thousands to have 2 empty one's which could actually be paying for those little luxuries you don't want to lose out on? Also factor into your thinking if one of you lost your job, would you still manage on one wage? Hopefully this will be highly unlikely for you but you need to consider it. You might even decide yourself that you don't want to leave your little one in childcare & really want to be a full time mum at home, if you move you probably wouldn't have this choice?
Just something to think about before the 'For Sale' sign goes up :)

TheMD

Obviously I can only speak from my experience but I'm glad the planning was taken away.
I was never the one to look in prams and had no maternal instinct whatsoever. Other peoples children lovely. I adored my nephews, but didn't want any of my own.
Finding out I was pg at 20 weeks was a shock, completely.
The hormones kicked in, I gave up a fantastic business including my wonderful career and have never worked since.
I just don't want for anything else.
I may be extreme and there are other variables existing that I don't want to go into. However, my point is nobody can be sure how they will react, what type of parent they will be. When is the right time, what about career etc. Some people can change over night.

to be honest unless mega rich then many cant afford children till they have them iyswim

i like the idea of going down to one income while ttc/preg to show you what it will be like on one salary, plus gives you a nest egg for later