In debt and not told husband

[worriedmummy141]

After leaving work to have my first baby in 2009 and not going back to work I have steadily got myself in a large amount of debt (£14,OOO), I am having trouble paying it back. I have been stressed out, feeling suicidal and depressed. I took the plunge and admitted it to my husband, I didn't expect him to pay it back and had a plan of getting a part time job to pay back the debts (even though with a 1 year old and 4 year old would be expensive childcare costs). My husband was shocked but wants to stay together, as I was expecting us to split up due to lies/deceit etc. He said he's just leaving it up to me to sort out. Now, after pondering the situation, I am thinking he should support and help me more. We have no mortgage, about £70K in savings and he earns over £65k pa. His is refusing to help me in any way saying that is his money. I got into debt and its my fault, but should he help me? Feeling very confused and don't know what to do.

If the op and her dh are mortgage free and debt free with 70k savings, then her husband earns enough for an extremely comfortable lifestyle. If the op has had to go into debt to buy food and clothes from a supermarket then any allowance he has been giving her could hardly have been generous, could it ?

They arent on a mortgage, they own their home outright

"You don't need to get divorced to get half of everything. It's marital assets... You own half of it anyway! Oh, and while we're on it, "your" £14k debt is marital assets too, so half of that is his (and rightly so!)"

this isn't right legally. You don't own half of marital assets and debts are not joint debts - it's just that that is the way things are usually divided by a court.

"If the op and her dh are mortgage free" but we don't know whether the house is in joint names or all in his :(

There is a lot of speculation going on here, and a lot of outrage and a lot of puzzlement. That's understandable (I too am outraged) but it doesn't necessarily add up to good advice.

If it works, the best way forward is for the poster and her OH to step back from confrontation and the blame game and look at the family situation now and going forwards and find something that works for both of them.

If that doesbn't work, then the poster needs to consider her own situation and the debt remedies she has available. We can help at that point, but it would be best if doesn't come to it.

My DH is a SAHP, I rely on him to a certain extent to tell me how much it costs to run the house. Conversations go like this:

DH: Council tax/electricity/swimming lessons have gone up x%, you need to put £y more into the joint account each month.

Me: OK, no problem.

Our finances are not completely merged for several reasons, e.g. he has a son from a previous marriage, so this is not automatically a sign of financial abuse. There is a lot of unhelpful speculation / projection on this thread. OP is rightly (IMO) aggrieved at her DH's attitude to clearing the debt, but I don't think he can be held wholly to blame for its existence in the first place.

The debt was accumulated since leaving work in 2009 to have a baby and we're told it was steadily spent on food, clothes and other things you'd consider essential. £14,000 in 4 years. Leaving out interest payments, the OP has been short by about £50-£60/week. The OP has therefore clearly not been either willing or able to go to their DH and say 'you need to put more in the joint account'.... which would be what would happen in a healthy, happy relationship. It is speculation to wonder why that is but, given that the OP is now suicidal and given that the DH is holding onto 'his money' it's not unreasonable to speculate that 'his money' has been deliberately withheld for four years and the OP has been expected to manage. And that's financial abuse.

OP please talk to someone and get help about how you are feeling. I lost a dear friend last year in a similar situation who took her own life. Your post made my blood run cold. Wishing you the best of luck sorting the situation out. It is sortable.