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Original poster

In debt and not told husband

56 replies

worriedmummy141 · 16/10/2013 14:31

After leaving work to have my first baby in 2009 and not going back to work I have steadily got myself in a large amount of debt (£14,OOO), I am having trouble paying it back. I have been stressed out, feeling suicidal and depressed. I took the plunge and admitted it to my husband, I didn't expect him to pay it back and had a plan of getting a part time job to pay back the debts (even though with a 1 year old and 4 year old would be expensive childcare costs). My husband was shocked but wants to stay together, as I was expecting us to split up due to lies/deceit etc. He said he's just leaving it up to me to sort out. Now, after pondering the situation, I am thinking he should support and help me more. We have no mortgage, about £70K in savings and he earns over £65k pa. His is refusing to help me in any way saying that is his money. I got into debt and its my fault, but should he help me? Feeling very confused and don't know what to do.

OP posts:

LifeofPo · 16/10/2013 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

worriedmummy141 · 16/10/2013 15:05

Only joking. You are right, have been looking at other people with this situation, couples with very little money talking about how they can solve this problem together over many years. He could pay off now and we could be very happy.

OP posts:

noseymcposey · 16/10/2013 15:07

Can you also sit down and show him your monthly expenditure? So he can actually see that you don't have enough? Especially with credit card bills to pay? Do you think he will change his mind when he has calmed down?

LIZS · 16/10/2013 15:08

Have you talked to him about going back to work ? Childcare and costs of running the house are joint responsibilities. When you have a family and household to pay for there is no "my and your" money .

Xiaoxiong · 16/10/2013 15:11

Although you may have incurred the debt in your own name, it really is family debt as the money you have borrowed has been spent on family essentials. If it was a joint decision for you not to work there is no "his money" - it's family money.

And yes, clothes for you count as family essentials too assuming they are clothes you really needed at the time and they weren't extravagant purchases (and if they were from the supermarket, they weren't!)

If you're interested how other people do it, at the moment I am not earning anything (starting up my own thing so in fact I am a cost centre). DH's salary goes into the joint, we each get some money for our own accounts for frivolous purchases (eg. a peppermint hot choc from Starbucks). All spending on family food, our clothing, kids' clothing, paying bills, paying the cc etc comes out of the joint account. Family savings come out of the joint account and we also have individual savings pots in ISAs for a rainy day.

If I need more money I just look at how much we have, how much we have in savings, spend more as I need it and then let DH know - "by the way I need to take the train to London for a meeting next week so I've bought a return ticket, I'll transfer some money in from savings if we're running low."

Mama1980 · 16/10/2013 15:12

I don't understand why when he has the money he doesn't pay this off. I don't get this mine and yours..... What would he see you struggle and worry when he could fix this. You made a mistake but if it was on supermarket clothes and essentials then I don't see how it is not a form of financial abuse.

fizzoclock · 16/10/2013 15:43

I don't get the kind of set up you have their either. We have family money. That aside, you need help from him one way or another. The debt is a family debt just as the savings are because you're married.
He should pay off the debt to stop it getting bigger. Then he should help you in budgeting.
If you have been given enough you need to keep tighter tabs and maybe cut back for a while to help replace the savings. I have found the YouNeedaBudget (YNAB) app really good. You could agree sensible figures for household spending and then you could use the app to help you stick to it and show you when you don't.
If you haven't been given enough then you need to show him that and work out a different budget or a shared family pot. If that's the case it's his bad and you shouldn't cut back at all or try and replace the savings.
I find as a SAHM I spend almost all the money because I do the food shop, pay bills and buy the childrens clothes/activites etc. I can't imagine being given an allowance and my husband keeping a larger pot of money for himself. Maybe you need a rethink on the whole issue?

debtcamel · 16/10/2013 15:54

some general ideas here abdout debt and relationships: debtcamel.co.uk/snapshot/his-hers-debt/ - perhaps show it to your OH?

If you have been sepnding the monmey on things for the family, not new handbags and manicures, then they really are family debts. Of course you should have owned up sooner, but (a) he was obviously keeping you too short of money and (b) his reaction now suggests that you probably knew he wasn't going to be sympathetic.

KiplingBag · 16/10/2013 15:59

Get a job at the weekend or whenever he is not working. Use the money to pay off the debt. Let him take his turn in child care. After all you are looking after his children whilst he is at work, so he can do the same. You are his free childcare. Why should you have to pay out for childcare when he is available.

MadameGazelleIsMyMum · 16/10/2013 16:13

I can understand if he is upset by the revelation but his attitude is appalling. I am happy to PM you with details of what would happen to your JOINT assets if you continued to be in difficulties / took a formal route out of debt so you can discuss with him. That could be very persuasive.

Are the savings and house in joint names?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/10/2013 16:14

I'm sorry that you're in a financially abusive relationship. You don't appear to have blown the money on stupid luxuries... in which case anyone would be less sympathetic.... so that part in the marriage vows about 'all my worldly goods I thee endow' stands. It is not 'his money'.

fedupwithdeployment · 16/10/2013 16:20

You need a serious conversation about money - as in you and DH need to sit down and discuss family finances. As others have said, this is a very odd way to run things. You are in penury and he is rolling in it....what sort of a marriage is that? Agreed you should have done this earlier, but you are where you are and you have come clean now. If you want to stay together you need a relationship based on trust and fairness.

Owllady · 16/10/2013 16:24

he sounds financially abusive really if he hasn't been giving you enough money to live off, believes the children are 'yours' to keep, please himself how he spends the vast amount of money coming in, if you were to work YOU would have to pay childcare etc. If you don't have enough money to live off you should have had that conversationw ith him though, did you and he didn't listen? did debt feel easier that any kind of discussion or confrontation with him?

Talkinpeace · 16/10/2013 16:25

Sorry?
You got "into debt" paying household bills?
Did he eat the food?
Did he drink the wine?
Did he wear the underpants?
Did he like his child looking healthy and clean?
Did he use the toilet roll?
FFS
Savings are for when you have sorted out debts.
Stop being a doormat.
Make him pay the lot off tomorrow and then stick the statement onto a direct debit from his account every month.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 16/10/2013 16:28

I don't get this financial abuse accusation. OP's H didn't know she was running up debt. OP hid the situation from her H.

If I was your H I would be mightily pissed off, not at spending on necessaries, but on racking up charges and interest unnecessarily.

I would also be really pissed off at the deceit, and worried that the same thing could happen again.

Having said that - I would without question pay off the debt. That bit I do agree with other posters about.

debtcamel · 16/10/2013 16:34

"I don't get this financial abuse accusation. OP's H didn't know she was running up debt. OP hid the situation from her H."

So where did he think the money was coming from to pay for everything? Did he ever ask if she had enough?

And why are all the savings in his name? What sort of relationship is that? She has been bringing up his kids and probably getting paid less than a professional childminder would have :(

Of course if he had turned round and said she was daft for not telling him earlier, cleared the debts and set up a decent size standing order into her account, then you could put it down to him being busy and not overly bright. But given his reasction, I think "abuse" just about sums it up.

JeanPaget · 16/10/2013 16:34

I think the accusations of financial abuse are very unfair.

If you couldn't pay for necessities out of the budget you were working with, why didn't you talk to your husband about that and agree a larger amount rather than racking up debt behind his back?!

Talkinpeace · 16/10/2013 16:40

If all the savings ARE in his name he's a fool as he's paying top whack tax on any interest, when it would be tax free if it was in OP's name
(accountant thinking)

LIZS · 16/10/2013 16:41

but isn't the problem that while ostensibly the amount he gave her was enough to fund the basics , some of that had to go towards servicing the debt which presumably then rose each month. As she didn't admit the debt it seems that he wouldn't have recognised that he needed to increase it nor would she have admitted it had he asked. so what may have been a small shortfall or even extravagance initially has mushroomed over time :( On 65k what else does his money go towards ? I'm not surprised you are depressed which won't have helped you manage the situation and wonder if there is more to the problem than simply money.

Owllady · 16/10/2013 17:01

I agree that if she hadn't spoken to him that makes it more complex, which is why i have asked if she did and if not, why she didn't.

I think expecting the OP to pay for childcare out her wages whilst she services the debt is wanky as well though

Bunbaker · 16/10/2013 17:07

"He's not actually a very nice guy, is he? Why isn't all money shared?"

My thoughts exactly. You are a partnership are you not? Surely the finances get shared as well? I don't get this his money/her money scenario. OH and I have had a joint bank account since the day we got married. We have separate savings accounts, but the money that goes into them are after all the bills have been paid.

Your husband is financially abusive and utterly selfish. If he won't help you out or give you any more money then stop doing things for him - washing, cooking etc and tell him you can't afford it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/10/2013 17:24

Financial abuse means the OP was too scared to talk to the husband about the money situation but instead had to hide the truth, run up the debts and get to the point where they feel suicidal. Financial abuse means they are now having to work an extra job and go without while the husband sits on £65k of 'his money' that he's presumably squirreled away from 'his wages'. Bullying takes may forms.

BrownSauceSandwich · 16/10/2013 17:32

You don't need to get divorced to get half of everything. It's marital assets... You own half of it anyway! Oh, and while we're on it, "your" £14k debt is marital assets too, so half of that is his (and rightly so!)

Time to go back and talk about workable alternatives. If the two of you have agreed that you're going to be a sahm, he must have worked out that his money is there to support ALL of you. And you have to stop accepting this second class treatment.

LEMisdisappointed · 16/10/2013 18:48

JeanPAget - from what the OP says i daresay he wasn't exactly approachable when it came to asking for more money. Also, whats this having to ask business? Fuck that - the money in this house is the money, it doesn't matter who has earnt it, its ours - at the moment it is DP who is earning, i wont have a joint account because i get very stressed about money but the only reason i would ask about money is to ask if we have enough to buy xy or z. We are pretty skint though - it doesn't sound like the OPs H is strapped for cash.

This situation is the epitome of financial abuse - you having no cash keeps you where he wants you.

With regards to the debts, how were you able to get the credit if you have no income of your own? It sounds like very irresponsible lending by your credit card companies, or did you have them from when you worked? Or, did you secure them based on joint income? I think you need to talk to a debt advisor - contact The National Debt line, CSCS who will be able to give you all the advice you need and may even deal with your creditors for you, depending on your situation. I totally hear what you saying about debt leading to more debt, its a vicious circle - a circle which you can break by writing to your creditors and asking them to freeze interest (national debt line will advise about this) - it wont be brilliant for your future credit rating but credit is the work of the devil anyway - we don't have access to any credit now as we got into debt and it spiralled (so i really understand just how stressful it is, i was suicidal over it too and i had a supportive partner!) but we manage without credit and would never ever have it again. It helps that we are both quite techy so if the dishwasher packs up we can fix it or if the car needs work DP can do it. But we manage without credit cards. There is a way out of this mess as far as the debts are concerned. As far as your DH is concerned the problems are a whole different ball game.

I find the whole concept of allowances just crazy, unless its an agreed allowance because you are BOTH on a tight budget.

Interestingly my DDs partner tried to put a limit on the amount of money she spent by taking over the purse strings (they don't have a joint account but they have two cards and he confiscated the card) Now this was actually because my DD was overspending but that was not the way to deal with it, thankfully she told him it was a deal breaker and they worked it out. (my dd is a feisty wee madam ;) ) But it is no joke, you are in it together or not in it at all. She doesn't earn as much as her DP but she works as hard as he does so the money is theirs, straight down the middle.

noseymcposey · 16/10/2013 19:06

Although if you are on a joint mortgage (I hope you are!) then you going on a Debt Management Plan as described by LEM above I believe will affect your DH too. i.e. should you want to remortgage won't that be a problem?

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