Money when one parent is a SAHP

[thisisnotmyusualusername]

Does this sound like a fair arrangement?

I will be returning to work after maternity leave in September. My DH is going to be a SAHD, but he works part time from home (for himself) and earns about one quarter what I do - I'm a professional on a good wage paying the 40% tax bracket. He has guaranteed income of £240 per month for working one day per week (gross) but makes more through selling his work (he's a photographer). He will continue to do his work at weekends/evenings when I'm around.

At the moment, he pays half of gas and electricity and for the internet connection, but I pay all the rest direct from my account - rent, water rates, council tax. He pays for the Internet connection.

We have a joint account, which we put the family allowance and about £400 per month from my salary in for food and other expenses, as well as having a 'family wallet' which has always got about £40 in it, which DH and I use if we are out on family days out or whatever. When he's a SAHD this will be spends for days out or stuff he needs for our DS.

DH uses his money for whatever else he needs/wants.The remainder of our money goes on essentials/treats or savings.

I've proposed we do the usual 'pool it all and take out what's left 50/50 after espenses' but DH adamantly refuses.

I hate the idea of one partner having to ask for money from the other one - as far as I'm concerned it is all 'our' money.

Who would be the one asking ?

Where does your current arrangement leave you - do you have £240 a month to spend on your needs and wants?

I've proposed we do the usual 'pool it all and take out what's left 50/50 after espenses' but DH adamantly refuses.

Why does he refuse? Does he think that he deserves to have more spending money than you? Why is he entitled to more money?

Sorry, ignore that, I misread.

So is this either:

1 - he thinks that if you pool things and split the spending money he'll get less than if he continues to keep the money from his jobs on the side?

2 - it's a weird pride thing?

I suspect that he doesn't want to tell you exactly how much he gets from his work and selling his pictures because he actually gets quite a bit of money to spend on himself that you are not aware of.

we have a joint account that dh's salary goes into and we both spend what we need from that. All the bills come out the joint account too. I have an account with a different bank that the child benefit goes into and is used as emergency money. Does his money not go into the joint account then? Does he feel he should keep all of 'his' money to himself even if you end up with less than him each month?

I am very confused and can't work out the exact %.

But in our house we have money. We spend money. It doesn't matter who earns it or who spends it.

I am currently the SAHP, but DH doesn't care about me spending the money 'he earns'.

After reading Trills I am inclined to agree with that point though .

No, he's very open about his income. He earns less than the threshold for tax, I earn £54k.

He has sod all disposable income compared
to me.

I expect Trills is right, and that he has got a lot more money coming in than you realise.

Or, he has got debt which he doesn't want to tell you about that he is using his money to make the repayments on.

My earnings will go down to £44k if I drop a day at work.

You're absolutely sure that after paying for everything house-related that you do, and paying for children's things, you actually have more money to spend as you wish than he does?

I know all of his debts, he has about £1k owing on credit card.

He's being proud and a plonker. I am the SAHP and it is our money, although I do sometimes feel guilty spending it on me - DH soon gets me past that though. :)

Yes Trills.

Before maternity leave I was saving £500 a month as well as my spends on hair, cosmetics, clothes etc.

From his savings he fuels and maintains his car, buys clothes, reinvests in equipment and supplies he needs for his work. He actually has very little as just plain old spends.

From his earnings.

All money into one pot.
All bills paid DD from pot.
A set amount moved into a savings account(s) per month.
A set amount moved to pay off debts per month.
Remainder is split equally between both of you.

Surely the above is fair if possible?

DH thinks not Gnocchi and is happier with how things are. That's why I've introduced the joint account and the family wallet, so that he doesn't always have to ask for money and it's not always that if he goes shopping he has to take "my" card or ask for cash.

There is no way he has any "secret" income or "secret" debt.

Well, if the person on the lower income is happier to keep things seperate, then fair do's really.

Does he comment if you buy things for yourself (negatively I mean) or make you feel bad for having spare excess spends? If not, then maybe you should keep things as they are?

Well if he doesn't want it just save any spare money left over into a joint savings account and be open to changing the arrangement at any stage.

Well, it's a bit hard to understand really. Not sure what to suggest if he doesn't feel the most obviously fair set-up works for him. Has he explained why he prefers things as they are?

He hasn't really explained - I think it's pride - I know he wishes he could bring in more.

No, he never comments negatively about what I spend. He does sometimes buy "value" goods which I hate because we don't need to.

Would he compromise on a 'Food Account' so that is kept topped up with funds which you both have a card for which is used for weekly food shops, take aways and meals out? That way he can buy the food items you both like (though he may actually like the taste of the value coleslaw?). This also means when you go out for dinner he can pay using his card, though of course the money is shared money?

He sounds noble and rather sweet - but you need to tell him that you are not happy with it. He is making it hard for you to enjoy your job if you know that he is making himself go short in order to allow it. It's not intended this way I know, but it's almost a martyrish form of emotional blackmail. I know this discussion usually happens on MN in relation to SAHMs being shortchanged, but the principle is absolutely the same: the money should be divided equally in a partnership that runs the household.

Ok, so as long as he is happy with the current set up then I really don't see an issue.

Rather than trying to get him to accept more money to use for himself, why don't you set up a separate savings account for holidays, or something else that will be a 'joint' thing?

Or - what is his pension situation?

Maybe you could open a stakeholder pension for him, or at least make sure that you are both using some of your ISA allowance each year with a view to that being part of a pension?