Money when one parent is a SAHP

[thisisnotmyusualusername]

Does this sound like a fair arrangement?

I will be returning to work after maternity leave in September. My DH is going to be a SAHD, but he works part time from home (for himself) and earns about one quarter what I do - I'm a professional on a good wage paying the 40% tax bracket. He has guaranteed income of £240 per month for working one day per week (gross) but makes more through selling his work (he's a photographer). He will continue to do his work at weekends/evenings when I'm around.

At the moment, he pays half of gas and electricity and for the internet connection, but I pay all the rest direct from my account - rent, water rates, council tax. He pays for the Internet connection.

We have a joint account, which we put the family allowance and about £400 per month from my salary in for food and other expenses, as well as having a 'family wallet' which has always got about £40 in it, which DH and I use if we are out on family days out or whatever. When he's a SAHD this will be spends for days out or stuff he needs for our DS.

DH uses his money for whatever else he needs/wants.The remainder of our money goes on essentials/treats or savings.

I've proposed we do the usual 'pool it all and take out what's left 50/50 after espenses' but DH adamantly refuses.

I hate the idea of one partner having to ask for money from the other one - as far as I'm concerned it is all 'our' money.

So it's the pride thing then? Silly man.

Definitely have a joint food account that you both have cards for, so he can get groceries or house things without having to think about it.

gnocchi if you read up there you'll see that that is exactly what we have! He has his own card for the joint account.

Lol he hated the coleslaw too so that's a lesson learned!

So why is he buying value coleslaw then?

I think because he earns less he still has this bargain mentality? I have tried and tried to help him see that it's our money and that it's ludicrous to have a good household income yet still behave impoverished.

Believe me I know what it's like to have no money.

If the coleslaw was a one off maybe he just thought it was worth trying - some value things are quite nice.

He is silly, and I can see how it's irritating if he is being a martyr for "I have no money" when you would willingly split the spending money.

In the past I earned more than DH, now he earns more than me. We have always had a joint bills account that 'gets' all our income, and then I transfer anything left to a 'spending' account that we both have access to and can spend how we choose - without 'permission'.

If he won't budge and you really want to even the playing field, will he accept a 'wage' for being a SAHD? Point out how much childcare/cleaners/cooks etc cost and transfer an amount to him by standing order every month?

How long have you had this arrangement? I used to earn more than DH, not by a huge amount but I also saved quite a bit as I was better with money. It took me quite a while to get used to the concept that I would be spending money he earned as a SAHM. (I work part time but don't earn much.) Even though I agreed with staying at home most of the time, and wanted to do it, the practical bit of it got some getting used to.

Now we have a joint account - all bills paid from this, funded by DH. My pay goes into my account, as does CB, a bit of CTC, and this pays for food etc, little baby groups and things and clothes for me and DS. We do have to budget carefully, but it works for us. Treats on the weekends are generally paid for by DH or by me if I have money left over that month.

Just sharing my personal experience . When i gave up f/t work to stay at home with three DC's my Dad got really cross with me, why on earth would I give up a career etc. When he realised it was the right thing for me he said ' never forget what you do at home enables your partner to go out to work, you both work for that salary'
You might not agree, but I found it a helpful way to think about it.