please help me get through the next few days

[sotough]

hello everyone, i'm a regular on this board but have name changed. i'm having a really dark day and looking for some support. i'm currently 7 weeks 4 days preg after four miscarriages in a row. all my miscarriages have happened between seven and nine weeks.
i had a good scan earlier this week which showed a heartbeat and felt elated immediately afterwards but have now totally emotionally crashed again and am full of the usual terror of it all going wrong again. (last time we had a heartbeat and the pregnancy still failed about a week later.)
this time there is some hope that things will be different in that i am on steroids and clexane and aspirin, but almost all my blood tests were normal so the medication is experimental. i am trying so hard to be positive but i'm finding it really impossible. i feel totally traumatised by my four miscarriages and wonder how i could possibly cope with a fifth. i have managed to hold myself together through two years of this hell, barely taking any time off from work and putting on a really brave face, but i feel near breaking point.

You poor thing.

You need to cut yourself a break with the brave face. Can you take a couple of days off work just to look after yourself?

Congrats on your pregnancy - I really wish you the best. Sounds like the clexane etc is new this time around - perhaps it will make the difference.

Hey sotough. I'm so sorry for your losses and can fully understand how you would feel blessedly relieved at the scan only to start panicking shortly after. This is such a hard time for you, but try to stay positive. It has to come good for us all eventually and you must cling onto that hope. Have you been promised further scans outside the norm? I have everything crossed for you and will check back regularly to see how you're doing. Keep talking to people and taking each day as it comes.

thanks broken. my next scan is next Wednesday. i think i'll be able to get them weekly if i want - i'm with Lesley Regan's unit at St Mary's. If it's all gone wrong i'd rather know asap, not least so i can stop taking all the medication. there ARE positive stories of women having miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage and then suddenly a pregnancy works, but it can feel hard to keep believing.....
importantly, and thank goodness, i have one son, who is now nearly three. we never had any miscarriages before he came along. he is proof that i CAN have children. nobody knows why i've had all the miscarriages since him.

Must be tough for you - but as you say, your son is proof that it can work.

Fingers crossed.

Ah well that's a blessing, although I know how long a week can feel when you're in this situation. I know just what you mean about wanting to know sooner rather than later if it is bad news. However, it's wonderful to hear your optimism despite all the heartache. Yes, you CAN do it and you WILL do it again. Have faith. x

hi sotough

I am so sorry you've had so many MCs. I had only two and nearly went mad with grief and misery so I think that you are incredibly brave to have kept it all together over two years.

After my two MCs I didn't conceive for almost a year and became extremely bitter and neurotic, but I tried acupuncture after a friend recommended it, and found myself crying in the acupuncturist's room when I admitted for the first time that I was scared of never conceiving again, and also of what would happen if I did conceive again - I didn't think I could cope with another MC. Anyway, within six weeks and after three treatments, I fell pregnant and DS1 was the result. DS2 was conceived at the first attempt and again no problems. DH thinks this is all mumbo-jumbo but I firmly believe that acupuncture, which I had throughout both successful pregnancies, really helped me. Maybe it might help you?

And I have a friend who had six MCs in a row, conceived her DD by IVF and then had her DS naturally so miracles do happen, and there is no reason why one shouldn't happen to you. You need to be kind to yourself, and if being at work is making you feel worse, take some time off. Maybe go and get a massage to help you deal with the awful stress you're under?

Stay hopeful, take each day as it comes, and let us know how you get on. It's more than understandable that you would be panicking now, but at least you are now in the hands of the people best qualified to ensure that this pregnancy stands a better chance of going to term.

We are all here for you.

thanks so much for the kind messages. this time, i am actually having acupuncture every week, just in case it helps. my husband also thinks it's a waste of money and a load of mumbo jumbo but i really like the acupuncturist and he has an amazing track record on fertility issues so i figure it's got to be worth a try.
great to hear the story about the lady who had six MCs and went on to have two children. i know miracles happen - i do really believe it.

Bless you...so sorry for what you have been through.
Sounds like you need a break, even if it's only for a couple of days??, don't know if thats possible for you?, but think a change of scenery would be a good distraction for you.
I had a MC two weeks ago, and really want to escape for a night or two, and just spend some time by the sea...always clears the head.
I really hope you are ok and all goes well...thinking of you X

congrats on your pg. i am in the exact same position at the moment. taking loads of meds even though the tests don't really support it. i have got further than i have in my last 4 pg's.

all we can do is keep thinking positive. it will happen this time, for both of us.

there is a thread on here with a few of us going through rmc tests and pregnancy after rmc. it is a fab support.

i have my fingers firmly crossed for you

thanks mumatron i've followed that thread and am inspired by your good news. i'm sure you don't feel totally "in the clear" but to get to 12 weeks as i think you have now is amazing and all the statistics are in your favour. i hope that day comes for me - if not this time, then next, if i can find the strength to keep going. but this time would be ideal please god!

sotough, mumatron & ljg72 - I'm moved to tears by what you have been/are going through, and I wish you all baby-shaped miracles and huge amounts of good luck. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

nice to see you over there so*

and thank you ttalloo i'm not out of the woods yet but i am feeling more optomistic than i havee for a very long time.

Sotough I'm so very sorry for what you have been through and what you are going through.

Is there anything you can do to distract yourself? something you enjoy and is just for you?

Acupuncture sounds like a good idea so I'm glad you are going to that.

I start next week in prep for TTC later this year sometime .

I hope things to well for you and I hope you will be ok.

thanks hairy - i've followed your story and it sounds like you've had a horrendous time. from memory i think you lost a baby in the third trimester. i'm not sure there can be be 'league tables of grief' but if there were, you'd be pretty high up. i'm lucky my losses have been early.
i'm off work next week and am planning a few nice little things. if it's bad news at my scan on Wednesday I plan to buy a really special piece of jewellery to commemorate my lost babies, something i've never done before. I've also got a few trivial things that would be nice like getting my hair done and going to browse in a bookshop for books to take when we go on our summer holiday in July, and will maybe do some baking which is therapeutic. (strangely, despite the dire warnings from the doctor, i haven't piled on the weight with the steroids - i've actually lost a couple of pounds. hurrah!) but from experience, no amount of 'contingency planning' can really save you emotionally!

Just wanted to add my support, I went through similar after having my DD. The good thing is that you are with the RMC, I'm convinced from my own experience that being well looked after can make a real difference to chances of a successful pregnancy

Hi Sotough, no, It was at about 5 weeks, very early, and had only know for 12 hours. But it was horrendous, and I had an incomplete MC, and so have had to have an injection to finish it. Plus in teh meantime I've beld with an ovarian cyst for the last three weeks - but hey ho. I think anyone losing a baby has a hard time: for me it's my first pg and first MC, didn't know wtf was going on. that's horrible in itself. But it must also be horrible a second or third time, in a different way.

Sounds like you've got a few good things going on which will help you. Do take it easy on yourself.

Commemorating your lost babies is a really lovely special idea - we don't pay enough attention to the fact that we are bereaved, just like anyone, bereaved of a child that could have been, bereaved of our dearest hopes and dreams. x

sotough I also wanted to add my support and also give you this website.
They have some beautiful peices of jewelry and they have specificly set us the website for women who have gone through mc. I've bought a couple of items recently and they are just lovely.

thanks queenof. am feeling really rough this evening - i think the steroids i'm taking have eaten away at my stomach lining and brought back a recurrent peptic ulcer i have...either that or it's morning sickness - am really hoping the latter.
going to look at that website now...

Hi sotough how are you today? Im with you on this one. I too am pregnant(just)again after 4 miscarriages and im terrified. I actually feel more scared this time than ever before. Im also under RMC but cant get hold of anybody to talk to!! Fingers crossed for you at your scan tomorrox x

Also crossing fingers for you sotough and samoy it must be absolutely terrifing, I know if/when I try again I'll be shitting myself scared, so best of luck for it all.

hi samoy long time no see. have you tried ringing the number for the nurse, Rosemary Gerbhart? i've found her much easier to get hold of than the switchboard and she can book you in for an early scan. i've forgotten if you have any DCs already or not? i'm definitely even more anxious this time than i was last time but to be honest i was massively anxious last time as well - i think after three miscarriages it all goes to a whole new level of fear and misery. i've been feeling pretty low this afternoon just anticipating the scan tomorrow. i know there's absolutely nothing i can do to influence the outcome and therefore it's pointless fretting but i can't seem to stop myself...are you on any different medication this time samoy?

Hello sotough, just seen your thread and wanted to wish you well for tomorrow. I had three mcs between DS1 and 2. No explanation for them, and no explanation as to why DS2 was a stayer. I was having weekly scans with him from weeks 6 to 12 - my losses were all between 6 to 11 weeks. I think it was Lesely Regan who said the standard of care women get after mc is a huge factor as to whether a pg is successful or not, and DS2 seems to validate this theory. So go for the weekly scans if you can. And like others have said, miracles do happen - I am now 15 weeks pg with twins. If you had told me that in the midst of my losses, I would never have believed you.

Stay positive, and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you tomorrow.

Hi there, your right long time no see i ve been lying low for a few months enjoying 'normal' life i suppose without all the anxiety. I already have a four year old son, we have been trying for dc2 for almost 3 years now. I have factor v so at least a diagnosis and i am having daily heparin and aspirin. I know your story as ours have run similarly along, im sure we have miscarried fairly closely to each other. I really feel for you with a scan looming especially as you are at a very anxious stage but hopefully it will set your mind at rest. I will try and phone the nurse at RMC, no one else has bothered to call me back-thank you for that. Sending you lots of positive thought for tomorrow x

Hi, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I had the same problems as you and produced a baby on the 11th attempt. And the 12th and the 13th. I don't know if that will make you feel better or worse. My consultant said that 7 to 8 weeks is a good sign and usually means there is not much wrong. I can't remember his reasoning. I had every test in the book but they found nothing. So hopefully as you are having medication to help it will make the difference. Look after yourself and good luck.

oh wow lynli i'm amazed by your story. and encouraged!
another time i will ask you how you found the strength to keep going. i'm in complete awe of that. thank you.
samoy the telephone answering system (or rather non-answering system) at the RMC at St Mary's is utterly infuriating and quite shameful i think, given how desperate patients may be when they call. definitely try Rosemary - i'm confident you'll get her. let me know if you need the number. i know two people who were diagnosed with Factor v after lots of miscarriages and went on to have successful pregnancies. it's great you have a diagnosis.