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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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36 replies

emptyshell · 24/05/2010 17:09

Grrrr
Grrrr
Stabby people in nipples with a blunt fork thoughts

Just logged onto FB, a week and a day after my bleeding started and tests read negative for the first time - woo yay an entire album nicely at the top of my page of someone's 3D scan photos.

Have finally snapped and posted a status to the effect of "please actually think as I'd be willing to bet that everyone knows at least one person struggling with infertility or miscarriage and these things really really can be incredibly upsetting for them"

I await the incoming hormonally induced shitstorm.... because hey, I'm still flipping hormonal too - only difference is I've not got a nice baby to show for things!

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ljg72 · 24/05/2010 17:30

Emptyshell...I feel your pain.
Started bleeding on Friday night...couldn't be scanned till today ( can't have miscarriage at weekends according to NHS), only to be told what I already knew...all gone, was only 6 weeks, but it was my 6 weeks of feeling great.
Kinda numb, and just see babies everywhere!!!!.
Your not alone XX

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Pinkchampagne · 24/05/2010 17:35

Know how you feel as I have a facebook friend who is a couple of weeks ahead of what I would have been, and seeing her status updates of how she heard the heartbeat for the first time & then pondering as to whether or not to find out the sex, really set me back.
I know she is just excited, as I would be if it were me, but I felt so envious & down everytime I saw her pregnancy related comments or bump pics, so thought it was best to hide her on there for a while.

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starshaker · 24/05/2010 17:44

empty, i know how you must be feeling (trust me i really do) but im sure she didnt do it deliberately to upset you. If you hadnt mc then you would want to share your news with your family and friends. I know how shit a mc is and how you just want to scream at the world about how unfair life is but you cant expect other people to keep their news quiet incase it upsets somebody. Please please dont think im having a go and i know how good it is to have mn to rant on (you just need to search my name and you will see i have ranted plenty) but i do think its a bit unfair that you put it on fb

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ChocolatePants · 24/05/2010 17:48

Agree with star- I had a miscarriage and it was awful.

HOWEVER- I couldn't go being pissed off at everyone else for being pregnant could I?

come on, what has happened is shit for you....but you cannot begrudge others their life or happiness.

It won't always feel like this, I promise x

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Pinkchampagne · 24/05/2010 17:50

It is best to just hide the pregnant people until you feel strong enough to handle the baby talk and pictures. They don't then pop up on your home page so you will avoid seeing all the updates.

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twolittlemonkeys · 24/05/2010 17:53

I do know how you feel having just miscarried myself. Am still bleeding and not at all excited when my best friend posts pregnancy related updates - we were really looking forward to having our little ones a couple of months apart.

However, I would never begrudge her that excitement she feels. Yes it's hard, but I bet when I get pregnant and it sticks I will want to shout it from the rooftops! Maybe you can just hide those people who are pregnant from your newsfeed for the time being whilst you allow yourself time to heal.

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LutyensCBA · 24/05/2010 18:00

Aww emptyshell. I can empathise completely. It feels shit, doesn't it? I had FB friends who were giving out minute details of their pregnancies just after my mc, and it broke my heart to read them But then it used to break my heart just to see a pregnant woman! But it was my issue, not theirs, and it was up to me to deal with it.

Like someone said, just hide them for the time being. You can't really censor their posts because of how you are (understandably) feeling.

Hope things get better for you soon.

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PigeonsInFlight · 24/05/2010 18:07

Hide all your pregnant friends now. Then you will never see their pregnancy / newborn status updates and photos. You can unhide them again when you are ready.

It's what I do.

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emptyshell · 24/05/2010 18:48

It's more a plea for some sensitivity at large on there - there's been a lot of "mummyjacking" of anyone and everyone's status updates (the whole "is having a bad day"... "oh you can't possibly understand having a bad day until you're a mummy...." type thing) and lots of similar going on from a fair few people on there lately.

Not to mention the delightful nauseating "paste this as your status" one about how full of joy their homes are as they're a precious little family - that one absolutely shredded me - so yep now, I'm coming out as a barren infertile woman who when she miraculously actually gets knocked up - can't keep it going. Why the hell should I hide away and feel guilty for speaking out - the happy mummy (who has so far spammed about 50 flipping scan photos as she keeps paying for those private ego ones - so you can't even hide and pretend it's a picture of a duck) has an entire fan club telling her how wonderful her life is and how fabulous she is for managing to serve as an incubator better than I obviously could.

To be frank - they need to be knocked into touch slightly and I'm quite prepared to put my head above the parapet and do it - because there's plenty of "there there you're awesome" going on for those with bumps... and no one sticks up for those of us sat with a flipping woman nappy between our legs miscarrying.

It's funny how it's flushed out a heck of a lot of support on my friends list for the other people who are obviously incredibly sick of it as well.

I'm nasty, I'm hideous, I'm bitter - but I've got nothing left to lose really by speaking out and it might knock some of the worst of it on the head for others on there (there's at least one girl from our year who had a very very late stillbirth who'll be reading all their posts as well).

Find it funny how even the women on here, who I'd actually expect to be supportive and understanding - still subscribe to this silly belief that those of us suffering should do so in silence and flatter the egos of the lucky. That's pretty sickening to be honest - no wonder women sit for years going through infertilty and miscarriages and not telling a soul, when even those who've been there turn on the ones who do speak out.

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grumpypants · 24/05/2010 18:59

Not being funny, but it's facebook. What exactly do you expect her to post - it's an update on your life and hers is all about babies. If I filtered my posts to take account of everyone's pain (and I keep confidences so not everyone would understand why I was being so reluctant to put anything about my life) it wouldn't be worth logging in to make a flippant comment. Just hide her for a while. Harsh, but she didn't cause this - you need to direct your pain towards helping you to get through this. You will - I had 2 mcs. I am not being mean btw, just realistic.

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emptyshell · 24/05/2010 19:04

Yep ok so you lot think I'm a nasty cow.

So be it. Maybe I am - but I'm sick of inconsiderate pregnant witches acting like they're precious little snowflakes beyond stain, while the rest of the world has to cower at their feet.

They're not - they just happened to win the lottery of life. I hope that all of them (and it's not just one friend) feel a fraction of the pain I have.

Yep, I'm a monstrosity, maybe my mother should have miscarried me - but I hate the pregnant.

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LutyensCBA · 24/05/2010 19:05

emptyshell, I know what a mc feels like. But you CANNOT expect others to hide their happiness because others have faced misfortune. Where will it end? You cannot talk about your dh being nice to you in case it upsets someone going through a divorce? You cannot praise your mum in case it hurts someone who has lost hers?

The problem with FB is that everyone can view the status updates so you cannot filter out those who may take it the wrong way. But YOU can (and should) hide those statuses till you can read them without hurting.

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grumpypants · 24/05/2010 19:10

actually i don't think you are a nasty cow, i just don't want you to upset your RL friends and then not have them around to share your joy if and when you have a baby. I genuinely wish you all the best.

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LilRedWG · 24/05/2010 19:10

Emptyshell - another here who knows the pain of miscarriage, but to be honest I think that you have been unfair to your friend. You know that things like this will be on FB so avoid it for a while.

I find it hard seeing things about parents having recently lost mine but I just know to avoid FB/MN over Mothers/Fathers Day. It's hard but life does indeed go on.

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starshaker · 24/05/2010 19:12

I dont think you should suffer in silence. Ive had 5 mc's so know how shit and unfair it is. I felt like i was a failure and that millions of women have babies and i couldnt. Your allowed to feel bitter and yes life isnt fair. When you get a sticky pregnancy you will worry the whole way through your pregnancy, you will panic at the stightest twinge and you will probably still feel that people who are pregnant have no idea how you are feeling because they assume getting a positive test means a baby at the end of it when we know its not that simple.

My last mc was june last year and it nearly killed me in more ways than 1. I decided there was no way in hell i would ever put myself through that again and asked to be sterilised (doc wouldnt do it). A few month later i found out through facebook that my little sister was pregnant which was a shitty way to find out.
Im now pregnant again and im terrified something will go wrong even though im 26 weeks. I wont relax until i am holding both babies and can see they are real. I do post my scan pics on fb to share with family and because it makes it feel real for me and after everything i cant think of anything more important in my life.

It is hard but it does get easier (at the time it doesnt feel like it will). People dont get it and will think but it wasnt a real baby or whatever crap they can think of.
I dont think you should "flatter the egos of the lucky" but having a baby is a big deal and when you are ready to do it again it will be an even bigger deal to you cos you will never forget the baby you lost.

I dont know if what ive said makes any sense but you will get support here on mumsnet, without it i dont think i would be here

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SilveryMoon · 24/05/2010 19:15

When I had my first m/c (have had 3), it was my first pregnancy and my best friend was heavily pregnant at the time.
Because she was so big and uncomfortable, i used to sit in with her on a friday night and we'd watch a film or something.
Anyway, when I m/c, it didn't pass naturally. We found out on the friday and they told me to go home, and come back on monday for a d&c.
Anyway, my friend called me and said she didn't want to come round to mine that night because she didn't want to rub my nose in what had happened to me.

I know it is really hard and really upsetting, I really do, but tbh, I was just pleased my friend didn't have to go through what I was going through.
I'm sure you wouldn't wish this on anyone, so although you are very intitled to be upset, but please try to be relieved that this woman is very lucky to not have to go through the pain you are going through.
xxxx

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iMum · 24/05/2010 19:23

Empty, what about all those who have lost the parents, grandparents husbands etc-to read the staus updates of others enjoying those family members will be just as hard.
What about people who are newly single, divorced or just cant find love and desperately want a family also.
Its hard for you right now, but its hard for almost everyone for all different reasons.
I have had 3 mc 1 ectopic and my dd died at birth-my pain was unbearable for a long time and it was agony seeing others (some in my opinion unworthy) making babies with so little effort, its not their fault tho-and mark my words you will have along the way upset someone without meaning to-All the people who asked me if ds1 was my first, the voice inside me wanting to shout that my beautiful dd had died just 9 months earlier and now with 3 stunningly handsome boys of my own the idiots who ask "did you want a girl?" they dont realise how hurtful those statments can be but I just take it for what it is because I know that I must have said insensitive things too...
Hugs for you right now tho.

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ljg72 · 24/05/2010 20:30

imum...xxxxxx

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LunaticFringe · 24/05/2010 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

emptyshell · 24/05/2010 21:09

No I'm just mental and a bitch these days.

Just found out the friend who's been a support to me as I started bleeding has got her positive. Have smiled, made the requisite joyful noises - but give it three months and I'll hate her too.

I'm going to go cry again now - only doing nothing more because it's impossible to hide self-harm scars in this damned heat. Wish it was the winter I was going through this.

I hate them all. I hate them so much, I want them to feel this pain and this worthless and to put up with it for years and years with no hope at all. I don't care if you don't like me for doing that - the alternative is I give up on this life altogether. Most of all I hate my flaming cousin who got pregnant just to avoid the benefits people making her get a job - then railroaded the no children request at my own wedding - leading my mother to happily announce it was time I made her a grandmother (my mother who KNOWS about the fertility problems - hence she sure as hell ain't getting to know about the miscarriage stuff). I wish they were all dead.

Quite how I manage to play the smiley Mary Poppins person at work is beyond me - I must be one phenomenal actress.

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starshaker · 24/05/2010 22:05

Your not mental and not a bitch. You are grieving. This is the place to shout and scream and say how much you hate every pregnant person. This is where you vent. I cried pretty much solidly for about a month at least. Then i went to the doctor and told them i needed help. Everybody deals with it differently you just need to find your own way. Being angry is normal.

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DuelingFanjo · 24/05/2010 22:10

When I announce my pregnancy on Facebook, which took me one miscarriage, 2 and a half years and IVF to achieve, I will be doing so by posting this what IF video.

Although I am not going to 'announce' it as I am aware otehr people are struggling.

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jellybeans · 24/05/2010 22:25

Hi I can relate to your feelings. I have lost 4 babies..6, 11, 20, 23 weeks. The more I lost the shitter it felt and the unfairness hit harder. Isolated is how it felt, everyone else was guarenteed a baby at the end and swanned through pregnancy. Few friends had even had one early m/c or any other traumatic life event.

It was crazy as most times I lost I already had living children but the feelings were not rational and others didn't understand but I felt sick when hearing of others pregnancies, it was like they were rubbing my face in it, they made me feel like a total failure. friends were so tactless it was unreal. Each pregnancy announcement took me back to square one. It was horrible.

Anyway, how you feel is fairly common after loss, don't worry. I cut myself off from as much pregnancy/baby stuff as possible, changed my hairdresser as she was pg etc etc. It may have seemed unhealthy but it worked for me. It's been over 3 years since loosing DD at 20 weeks. I was very lucky to go on to have a lovely DS who turned alot of pain into joy and I will always be grateful.

I can now face pg talk pretty normally and feel much less 'bitter' but every now and then get a pang or am suprised at others' naivity. Time will help but if you feel you need to protect yourself or speak out to others about your pain, it's totally OK. So what if someone feels bad for a minute, they have their baby, you have to live with your terrible loss. People shouldn't pretend nthing happened, it makes it worse.

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tinywelsh · 25/05/2010 09:01

Emptyshell, you're not 'mental' and you're not a bitch. You're in pain and greiving.

I've just snapped with a pg friend on FB, she directly emailed me scan pictures of her baby, even after I told her I was glad things were going well but that I was going to hide her posts as I was in too much pain to see her happiness. What I wanted to do was send her my picture of DS and say 'happy now?'

This is going to make you bitter, angry, depressed and if this helps you then I say go with it. Rant, scream, throw things, if your friends are worth anything they will understand and wait for you to put this huge event behind you.

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EggsandBacon · 25/05/2010 11:51

You aren't mental or a bitch at all. I never knew I could feel such unmitigated jealousy/despair/anger until I mmc. My best friend didn't - we were the same number of weeks. When I meet up with her now, she still has her "Baby on Board" badge on her coat so that people will give up their seat for her on the train. She's got a massive bump, I'm sure it's obvious without wearing the "I'm Pregnant" badge!! She loves talking about her bump to me, I feel like I can't talk about my mmc because it's negative and I don't want to bring her down.

You don't have to hide it, and I think until you've been through it it's impossible to realise that sharing scan photos/info on baby kicking/etc. feels hurtful to those struggling with infertility or loss. The ones I've found to be most sensitive to me in sharing their good news are the ones who've been through the pain themselves.

I hid people on FB who are pregnant, and I hid away in real life from them too. It's ok and your real friends will understand.

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