Facebook

[emptyshell]

Grrrr
Grrrr
Stabby people in nipples with a blunt fork thoughts

Just logged onto FB, a week and a day after my bleeding started and tests read negative for the first time - woo yay an entire album nicely at the top of my page of someone's 3D scan photos.

Have finally snapped and posted a status to the effect of "please actually think as I'd be willing to bet that everyone knows at least one person struggling with infertility or miscarriage and these things really really can be incredibly upsetting for them"

I await the incoming hormonally induced shitstorm.... because hey, I'm still flipping hormonal too - only difference is I've not got a nice baby to show for things!

Nope - even real friends don't understand or care - they're so wrapped up in their mummy life, they don't want the reminder of the times before they got sprogged up around. I have no one apart from my husband - and, after so long with infertility and then the miscarriage - the marriage is on the rocks. I'm considering leaving rather than turning into one of those pathetic couples who pretends they've found solace and joy in their garden because they could never have kids. I'd rather leave and let him move on to be able to have a family with someone else because he'd be a superb dad - and I'm just a broken wreck of a headcase.

So yep, no one to talk to (the one person I did talk openly about the grief with has just found out last night she's pregnant - I did the dutiful smiling, advising on pee sticks - let's face it I'm a connoiseur, making the right noises - so no one wants a reminder of an early miscarriage around pissing on their newly-sprogged-up parade), no family I'm prepared to confide in for support (if you knew my mother you'd understand that one) and my marriage is going down the pan.

Life's great - and yet I'm meant to smile happily and goo about baby scan photos - those 3d scans were the worst invention ever, at least with the black and white ones you could lie to yourself that it was a bad TV picture of a duck. Who the hell is there for ME? I'm always there for other people, did the right things all my life - yet my worthless cousin who put the family through hell, hasn't worked a day in her life, regards paying her rent as purely optional can get pregnant and spawn a child purely to get to stay on benefits and my family regard her as a saint and perfect... yet the kid who did it all, went to school, went to uni, had no fucking childhood because I was too busy caring for an anorexic mother and chronically ill brother, going to Tesco on the bus to do the weekly shop on my own aged 10, made sure they had qualifications and a future - I'm worthless and the bad child of the family because I can't produce a child?! I'm meant to kiss my cousin's arse and bow and scrape because she's got a kid and I haven't so she's somehow better than me? I wish they were dead - both her and her baby.

I got to be pregnant, to hope for the future, to be happy and see my husband smile the most wonderful smile... for three days. That's all. Three days. Now I'm having to try to starve myself to shift the weight a bit faster so I might get any help - if it kills me, so what?

I'm sick of this world, sick of this life, sick of it all.

Wouldn't believe someone as nasty and screwed up as me manages to put on the perfect teacher act for a few hours at a time would you? I don't quite know how I do it - but Mrs Empty is a spectacular actress.

You really are in a lot of pain. Have you seen if there are any local miscarriage support groups to talk too?

I understand how you feel, I see women living near me who are clearly pregnant in order to get more benfits, a bigger house, etc. It makes me cry to think that I don't smoke, rarely drink, stayed away from our cats, took supliments and gentle exercise and my DS just didn't have a chance. I look down at the bump that still remains and wish there was some more justice and fairness in the world.

I really don't belive you are nasty and screwed up, but you do need people outside mn to speak to. You have done so much with yourself and you do deserve happiness, I really hope you get there someday.

emptyshell - you are in so much pain and that does need to come out. you need an outlet (other than MN, which will always be here for you).

If you do not feel happy talking to your GP - I know a lot of people don't - then please make an appointment at your local hospital's Sexual Health Clinic. I had a coil fitted a couple of years ago and totally broke down afterwards as the pain of the fitting reminded me of how I felt after my D&C.

I was immediately referred for Loss Counselling which helped tremendously. Within a couple of weeks I had someone I could say anything to - I was totally supported and never judged.

The doctor fitting my coil was disgusted that I hadn't been offered any help previously, especially as I was on ADs for post-natal depression.

Which brings me onto another point - PND. It is a cruel cruel thing, but you may be suffering from Post Natal Depression. I laughed when the GP diagnosed me following my second miscarriage - it just seems so unfair, but it can happen - just something to consider.

Be kind to yourself.

Emptyshell

You're not a mental bitch, you're just very hurt at the moment and need time to grieve and cope with the MC. Take care of yourself xxxx

Emptyshell - I had a mc in december, it still hurts me daily especially as a close friend is due to give birth any minute and I was 6 weeks behind her. I had 2 friends announce their pregnancies last week. I feel your pain. I went to the doctors because I spend my life crying and not sleeping - she advised me to speak to the Miscarriage Assoc - have you? I think you need to speak to someone as you sound so low. You obviously manage to conceal your pain from the outside world which is amazing, I try to do the same but am probably a bit shit at it.
I am not sure what I am writing except to say there are, unfortunately, lots of women out there experiencing mc etc...you are not alone and I really think you need to talk in more depth with someone about all your feelings.
Take care xxxx

Hi again emptyshell

This this confidential helpline you might want to call, there name is Careconfidential and I've posted the website address too:
www.careconfidential.com/Default.aspx

they deal with all aspects of pregnancy worries and can help with MC so dont be alarmed that the home page takes about abortions etc. I really hope they can help you. xxxxxxx

emptyshell

keep talking

feel a bitch if you wish, but you aren't the only one.

the miracle of life is unappreciated by so many

x

I read somewhere that there are over 50,000 admissions to hospital each year because of miscarriage. And yet nobody ever talks about it and part of that is because it's so bloody hard to come to terms with, the last thing you feel like doing is telling everyone else in the world. So when you finally snap and speak out it feels like you're doing something outrageous when really you're not. For your own health, it's almost always better to let it out than to bottle it up. People who truly care about you will forgive any unintended offence as they will understand that you are grieving.

It's perfectly natural to feel the way you do about this and grief and anger are so often right next to each other - as 74claire rightly says, people just don't appreciate how much of a miracle it is until they find themselves where we all are now.

I am sending you a very big hug and hope you feel better soon xx

Emptyshell, you are certainly not a bitch, you are just suffering and in so much pain. And it is clear from your posts that from a very early age you have been used to feeling responsible. But this mc is not your fault. These are the cards you have been dealt, and not a result of your actions. There are so many things we cannot control, despite believing we can.

Please believe me when I say that I understand what you are going through. I lost a baby at 22 weeks in February. It was our first child, a beautiful baby girl. Unfortunately she was very poorly. I was due at the end of June and this month is very difficult for me. I also want to scream when people announce their pregnancies - one of my colleagues actually announced it before 12 weeks and I just wanted to ask ?do you have any idea how many things can go wrong?!?

In addition to the loss itself, which is of course terrible, there are many things you are struggling with. The resentment of always being the ?good child?, but having this thrown at you. The unfairness of it all. You have every right to scream and shout and be unreasonable and bitter. But please do not blame yourself. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this.
On the day when I came out of hospital, having left my baby girl in there, I saw a heavily pregnant woman, with a toddler in tow, smoking a cigarette. And I just wanted to scream that I had been so careful in my pregnancy, yet my baby was dead and it was so unfair and so wrong.

Please be gentle with yourself. You are fragile now and suffering. I think you should give up on FB for a while and just take time to grieve and be private, and process all these feelings. I also think the real friends will be there for you and hold your hand. And I am sure that talking to someone about it would help so much. As many posters have already said, mc or any other kind of pregnancy loss are common, unfortunately, and you are not alone. Knowing this happens to many people doesn?t make it less painful for you, but it might help to know there are many people out there who understand. Just as there are some who will never get it ? although hard, you just have to let them be. I struggled a lot with this a lot after my loss, I wanted everyone to understand that I had lost a baby and was bereaved, but sadly I realised that some people are just too insensitive and just could not get it at all.

I?ll be thinking of you and hope you manage to find some peace and gentleness. Sending you a big hug xxxx

Empty I think you are the one who needs a reality check(didn't want to use your phrase 'knocked into touch')

I have every sympathy with you . I just miscarried too and it is shit.

But you sound hysterical and you need to get some help with managing your feelings and your anger because you are tearing youself apart. Your posts sound so terribly bitter.

other people on fb will be totally unaware of your fertility issues and it's only natural for them to want to share their good news.

i've not seen empty on the board for about a week now and a thread that she started which got quite heated was removed. i hope she's okay.
empty if you're reading this i hope you have some support and are beginning to feel stronger. i have been looking out for you on this board but you've disappeared. i hope you've been giving yourself some space to get your emotions together.