Struggling to get over the loss

[dorcas111]

Thought I'd start a new thread. I am not having a good day. I miscarried on Sunday at six weeks and four days, the scan confirmed it on Monday. We'd had such a terrible weekend, waiting and not knowing but with everything getting worse that in a way the scan was a relief and I felt better not having all that stress and worry anymore. But today has been horrendous, I'm having a really hard time accepting this has happened. Every little thing reminds me of what I have lost and I feel like I will never be happy again. My OH has been amazing but I feel guilty because I just want to be miserable, I don't want to try and be anything else. This is all so painful, please tell me it will get better, right now I can't imagine how it can. I just want my baby back .

So sorry to hear about your loss. I miscarried in the middle of February and felt similar to you. You should not feel quilty about it - it is a natural process and you need to go through all the emotions. Time will help. Try to be nice and treat yourself to something you enjoy.

What may also help with time is to focus on future and whether you are ready TTC again.

All the best luck and take carex

Hi dorcas111, I know exactly how you feel and really do sympathise. I had a missed miscarriage diagnosed on Thursday at 9+1, and I'm in a very similar place to you. I can't yet tell you things will get better because I'm too early on in the process myself, but I can tell you that everything you feel is very normal. I've been 8 years ttc and despite that, right now I can't even think about wanting another one - I want to bring back the baby I had . Getting my head round the fact it has happened has been so, so hard.

Don't feel guilty for wanting to be miserable. I think it is probably better in some ways to get all the awfulness out now. I think if you have to just cry and cry, so be it. It's a bereavement and you will need to grieve, so be easy on yourself.

I don't feel as though I will ever be happy again either, and I know I will always have a sadness for what I lost this last week and what could have been. But I am starting to hope that maybe, one day in the future, things will look brighter. It's a case of hanging in there for that day.

I think posting on here helps. Just knowing that I am not alone in going through this has helped me enormously. Take care of yourself, and keep on posting for support whenever you need it. xxx

Oh my love. It's so new at the moment. It's so very, very raw. Like I said on your other thread, it's not a few weeks you're grieving for, it's a whole life. It takes time.

I was there, it seems so long ago now. I had a desperate urge to just get pg again, to fill the hole. It gets better. I promise you that.

Keep talking. There's always somebody here to listen.

Do you have some support in real life?

Sorry that you are going through this

I had a MC at nearly the same point as you over a month ago now. it is such a horrendous experience. You lose all the dreams you had for the future, the plans you had made.

It will get easier, less raw, I am now at the feeling low stage, I was up and down for the first couple of weeks, but am just feeling a bit bleurgh now iykwim? I haven't had a negative pregnancy test yet though so that is not helping.

Keep talking about it and posting on here and allow yourself to feel bad, it has only just happened to you and you will still be reeling from the shock, there is also the hormonal side of it which doesn't help.

Thank you everyone, it means such a lot to have your support and kind words. Everyone (in real life) keeps saying it's very common and that there must have been something wrong with the baby and I know that should make me feel better about what has happened and optimistic about the future but it just doesn't make me feel better at all. I just feel this overwhelming urge to be pregnant again, but I'm still bleeding so can't even start trying again. It is so hard to believe I will ever be happy again. But it does help to hear your stories and makes me think I will get through this too. I never knew how devastating this could feel.

I know how you feel - I found out at my scan, also on Monday, that my baby had died at 8/9 weeks, when i thought i was 12+3.

I had never imagined how hard this would be to deal with. Like you I feel the best way for me to move on from this is to TTC again as soon as I can. I don't even feel like I can even think about that at the moment though as I still have my baby inside me. I'm having stage 2 of MM today, so hopefully after today I may feel I can look to the future a bit.

While I can see why everyone would tell you that there must've been something wrong with the baby (indeed this is what I keep telling myself) that isn't what I want to hear from anyone else. I am sure they are well meaning but maybe you need to say to them that you don't want them to help you feel better, you want them to try to understand why you feel so bad.

For now I think we will have good days and bad days, and the good days will have some bad bits in and vice versa, but i think for now we must just feel the way we feel. We don't need to try and feel something else. This is the worst thing I have ever been through, and I thought I had been through some s!!!! before! I am sure though that while this will never go away it will get easier, and when it does we will be stronger people for it. Already I feel like I understand things and appreciate things in a way I didn't before.

Hope you start to feel a bit better soon (((hugs)))

Dorcas - be kind to yourself - you can't expect to be able to just 'get over it' as somepeople seem to think... Gradually you will find that it doesn't occupy centre stage - you go out for the day and realise that you haven't thought about it for most of the day - then it will be days, then, possibly, weeks.

It doesn't help, does it, when people say that it wasn't meant to be, and there must have been something wrong etc - it still doesn't mean you can forget that void. Logically, it must be true, but it doesn't mean that you still don't yearn to turn the clock back or do something different to make it right or not happen.

I'm so sorry. My very first thread on MN was about this and I was overwhelmed by the support I found. I remember someone telling me that their MC 'rocked them to the core' and thinking, 'yes! someone here understands how I feel' after a million comments in RL like 'Well it was probably for the best/it probably had something wrong with it' etc had made me feel stupid for being so sad. I wanted to scream at them that it wasn't for the best, that I wanted my baby back whether there was something wrong with it or not and this was the only place I found understanding of that.

Your feelings are entirely natural and normal and will pass, but it takes time, you need to grieve. Allow yourself to be miserable if you need to be, distract yourself when you can and keep talking to people here, because we really do understand. After mine I wanted to mark it in some way, to recognise a little tiny life. I bought some bulbs and planted them on my gran's grave as it was a special place for me, and that helped.

So sorry you are going through this. I also have just found out (Tuesday) that I had a MMC. Found out at my 12 week scan that baby stopped growing just before the 7 week mark, and these few days have been the darkest days I can remember. I too feel I don't know when I will ever feel happy again. My stomach feels knotty & sick all the time. Part of me wants to be pregnany again, but another part of me doesn't want to risk putting myself through this again.

I am going in for D&C today, so know it will be another bad day. I feel for my DP who is having to be so strong while I fall apart.

I think what we are feeling is very very normal. It is a tough tough thing to go through. Take care of yourself. x

I just got the letter from my hospital confirming my antenatal appointment and that I can have the baby at the hospital. I know I have to ring up and cancel but I can't face it. On top of that I have found out that I haven't got a job which I interviewed for yesterday. I didn't really want to go but I went anyway and I felt like I didn't care but opening the letter from the hospital then reading the rejection email have just pushed me over the edge I think. I can't stop crying, this all feels too much

Its one of the things on the MC guidelines suggestions that people that have mcd shouldn't have to go through - I was asked why I was cancelling appointments and found it so hard to respond without breaking down.

Please allow yourself to grieve. I had a MMC at 8 weeks 4 years ago after 2 years TTC and it hurt. Really hurt. You've lost a baby, no matter what people say it is your baby.

I conceived again and even after she was born healthy I still thought of her as my second child. Now 4 years later I just think of my DD1 and DD2s as my 2 children, but please please do allow yourself to grieve for the baby you have lost.

People who have never miscarried find it hard to understand when it is an early miscarriage as it doesn't look like a baby. They mean well though.

But it does get easier. Please allow yourself to cry and be angry.

Oh, you poor thing. I am dreading that the midwife might contact me but was assuming the hospitals pass this sort of information on. It's very bad if that message hasn't got through - you shouldn't be in the position where you are having to explain and cancel.

Can someone else cancel for you? OH or other family member?

I'm sorry about the job thing too. All you can tell yourself is that you will get to a place in the future when things will look better than this. In the meantime, crying is probably as good a solution as any. xxxxx

Thank you. People (in RL) are being very very kind but I feel like no-one really gets it. They keep saying things like you need to be positive and try not to get too upset. It makes me feel guilty for being so upset but I know that, as you say I need to grieve. I have been through a lot of painful things in the past but this is unbearable how much it hurts. I know it's not really the job I'm upset about, there is only one thing that I care about and that is losing my baby, everything else feels meaningless. But I feel so low it just felt like another kick in the teeth. And reading the letter from the hospital is like a knife in the heart. I only got as far as the first sentence that said congratulations you have been accepted to have your baby here, then I broke down. I'm sorry for rambling on but I need to get this all out and it feels like here is the only place where people understand.

I also just wanted to say that I'm sorry for everyone else who has gone through or is going through this. I'm really moved that you have taken the trouble to reply to me, especially those who are still very much in the midst of their own pain and grief. It feels like a bit of a lifeline here at the moment, so it is very much appreciated.

Its amazingly common to have a mc - and yet it just gets brushed under the carpet. No one feels able to properly speak about it. There often seems to be the attitude, its happened, it was early, get over it. But its not always that easy. Particularly if part of you still feels pregnant - which I imagine, at this stage, you could well do - hormones all over the place etc. My Dh was also devastated - particularly by the first one - which was after 4yrs ttc and getting to the top of the NHS IVF list. Mostly he was the shouldner to cry on - but sometimes it was helpful when he let the barriers down and I could see that there was someone else who felt almost as awful as I did.

I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks in January. I am still feeling very low at times. The comments on here have made me feel less alone though. I have had so many comments concerning how it wasn't meant to be and it wasn't a viable pregnancy. I understand people often don't know what to say, but these comments can really make me feel like I need to just move on and get over it. I may have had another very early miscarriage last month too, I had all the symptoms again, no signs of my period and a faintly positive test, then my period arrived a couple of days later. This has messed with my head, as everyone seems to think that I should stop wondering whether or not I was pregnant last month as I'll never know, but I can't help it. I have a beautiful 2 and a half year old girl and feel conscious of the gap getting bigger between children. I have a group of friends who are all at the same stage as me, trying for number 2, now 2 are pregnant and at times I can't bear all the pregnancy talk. They are due the same month as I would have been. It's a constant reminder. People say "oh don't worry, you'll be pregnant again", but I'm cut up about what I lost, I don't just want to replace it...

Hi dorcas and all ladies going through a similar situation: I've had 4 mc's, so you're certainly not alone, even though it feels like no one else in the world could possibly be hurting as much . I went to hell and back...and I can tell you that the only things that helped me were: wine, my dh, pizza, and writing. I love to write and this really helped me. Maybe you could keep a journal....and PLEASE - treat yourself during this time.

Hi Fandangos, sorry to hear about your loss. I know what you mean about other peoples comments not being very helpful, however well intentioned. It's been over two weeks now since I lost the baby and I still feel utterly heartbroken. I feel like people expect me to be over it, or not so affected as I am- maybe they think that because I was 'only' 6 weeks pregnant it is not such a big deal. But to me it was already a baby and always will be, even if it was only here for a short time. It is as if everyone has forgotten about it already and I feel like I'm supposed to be just back to normal. Sometimes I think I am but then it hits me like a ton of bricks and it feels like an effort just to get through the day. Coming on here and reading other people's experiences is helping me a lot though as it makes me feel less crazy and guilty for still not being ok.
I'm sorry as well about your possible early miscarriage last month. I can totally understand how that would mess up your head. This is so hard isn't it?

Hi Daynee, I'm so sorry to hear about your four miscarriages. Thank you for your kind words. I think at times like this it is hard not to feel very alone, especially when life around you, in the real world, just keeps on going. So hearing about other people who know what it is you are going through does help.

Hi dorcas, it's good to hear from someone who was the same sort of stage as me, I agree that people think it's not a big deal at that stage, but I'd already known for 2 weeks and suspected for 1! We've already started to plan our lives with a new baby and our minds have completely gone down that road. I wanted you to know that even though I still often feel bad about things, it has become easier over the past couple of months. My hubby and I have decided to wait until June to try again, so that's a positive, I feel I'm taking control in a way. It's still so new for you. I went away the week after it happened in Jan, to see family, which was nice. Maybe you and hubby could get a night away perhaps? It's nice to get some tlc and space without other interuptions. Take care x

I too had a miscarriage 4 weeks ago and was around six weeks. I had what the doctor called 'gentle miscarriage' as it was very light bleeding and no pain. Almost made me think I couldn't have been pregnant at all but after having 6 positive tests I must have been. I am completely consumed by being pregnant now and its all I think about 24/7. Just wish I could switch off and move on Good luck to everyone TTC - Lots of luck xxx

Sorry for your loss Terri. I think what's hard about it being so early is that it leaves you feeling almost as if it never happened at all, only you still feel this terrible loss. I only had a week of knowing I was pregnant before I started to miscarry. I guess it would be hard to have miscarried later having 'bonded' for longer but I feel so cheated about only having that week, like something wonderful was given me then snatched away and that feels very cruel .
I know what you mean about being consumed by being pregnant and thinking about it all the time- it's just unbearable not being pregnant ( and I can hardly bring myself to type those words) and all I want is to be pregnant again.
Fandangos, it is good to hear that it will get better. I think at some point I would like to do something to remember the little one I lost by. A plant maybe or something else for the garden. Just so that there is some part of them in this world, even if only me and my partner remember. We are going away for a week at the end of this month, just us and the dog so I think that will be good- we both can't wait.

Terri and Dorcas, I agree, it would have been harder to miscarry later, it would add extra physical and emotional pain. But if it's a wanted baby, as soon as you know you're pregnant, that baby is in your heart and it's part of your world.
Am I right in thinking you both have no children yet? I really feel for you if that's the case, as I was lucky enough to have a healthy pregnancy and baby before miscarriage. Please don't give up hope, I definitely feel much less raw about things now. I actually felt the same as you Dorcas, about having a part of them in this world, I bought a trollbead to put on a bracelet I already own which is called 'angel's feathers'.
My friend had 2 miscarriages and now has a healthy 2 year old and is 17 weeks gone with another. There is hope! Look after yourselves and if you can, try to do the things you can't do when pregnant, like get a bit drunk, eat all sorts of food, etc. That made me feel a little better xx

Yes it was my first pregnancy and unplanned but very much wanted. It has been such an exhausting time- the shock of finding out, then the elation and excitement about being pregnant, then starting to bleed and having a weekend of fearing the worst and hoping for the best but knowing it was a miscarriage. And now all the terrible feelings about having lost the baby. I feel utterly worn out by it all. And not having children yet does make it hard in another way- not that it is any less painful for those who have children already. But I think that I had started to get my head round becoming a mum and my life changing, psychologically preparing for parenthood. And now the baby is gone and I feel in limbo- not a mum but not the same as I was before. We are going to try again and I suppose it has made us realize that we both want a baby but it is very hard to accept that this baby wasn't meant to be. I just want to be pregnant again . It does give me hope though when I hear about other women going on to have healthy pregnancies and I'm not going to give up. And thanks for the advice about eating/ drinking what I like in the meantime, that sounds like a nice idea.