My husband needs help wit the loss too.

[sayitwithsam]

We lost our baby just over a week ago at 21 weeks. It was the most horrendous day. I was bleeding and in pain but the hospital staff hoped it would settle down and they could put a stitch into my cervix. My husband went home to eat and just five minutes after he left I went into labour. It felt like I was in a nightmare and when he got back to the hospital, our baby was laying lifeless next to me. No one prepared him for this.
I didn't think pain like this was possible. I thought losing my sister was the worse I could feel but our baby had no chance of life and it seems so unbelievably cruel.
He's been amazing and we talk about our baby every day. People care and I understand they just don't know what to say but already we are expected to pick ourselves up and 'move on' or 'get over it'. Seeing people just makes everything seem harder to deal with.
I keep being offered 'help' but no one seems to understand my husband needs help too. He wants to cry but keeps holding back because he doesn't want to let me down.
He feels guilty for not being there when I was having our baby and I feel guilty for my body letting us and our baby down and killing our son. Neither of us can move on from these feelings even though we've talked it through and feel no anger with each other. I was wondering if any of you had been through this and had partners who would talk to him. I can't stand seeing him in so much pain.

Wow, i'm so sorry for both of you. I think you are so brave and especially for acknowledging your husband's pain, I think it could be easy to get caught up in your own grief.
You sound so lucky to have eachother for support and I'm sure you will get through it together.
I'm certain all MNers thoughts are with you, mine certainly are.

Big hugs

I can not comprehend how you must feel right now. We lost our baby at only7 weeks and my partner is still devastated. I don't think people realize how much it affects some men.

My partner has had to have two weeks off work because he couldn't cope at work. everything made him break down, he suffered anxiety attacks and he tried to stay strong for me. I told him I didn't need him to be strong i needed him to tell me his fears, and cry with me.

Your lucky to have each other, he needs to talk to your doctor, because it is better if he could ask for some time to spend with you. Talk about the fears, about how life would have been with your son, but most of all to let him cry. He needs to cry.

i also had a loss at 21 weeks and it is the most awful thing i have been through (along with seeing DD2 having a seizure) and i too felt so bad for my ex DP at the time as he had gone to get some air when i gave birth to baby ronnie...i gave him loads of support but mine was the opposite problem. you see i had my mum and sister but he had his mum dad 5 brothers 2 sisters and his massive family and he had ME! i had NO support from him whatsoever...even on the funeral i was tod by him to "look after his mum for a minute" while he carried our baby to the graveside as she was crying...i was astonished he was asking me to look after his mum when he has 7 brothers and sisters to do that..just the face you are on here thinking of him is such a nice thing...good luck in the future x

Thank you all for responding. We had the service today which was so hard. I cried through the whole thing and my husband couldn't speak.
He is desperate to get out but I can't face people. Everything we do feels like a trial now, getting through as best we can. But we'll do each step together.
I was wondering if any of you lost yours babies due to a weak cervix? I won't get to speak to a consultant for over three weeks yet but there was no infection, our baby was developing perfectly and the two doctors I saw on the day it all happened asked me questions about a biopsy I had two years ago which makes me think it's my cervix which was the problem. I want them to put in a stitch when I get pregnant again and was hoping some of you could tell me of your experiences of this. The thought of losing another baby fills us both with dread. I'll do anything to minimize the risk.

I've got my husband to join dadsnet. He's under the name theskinnyfatkid and has just posted on there. I hope he finds someone to talk to as well because being on here is helping me.

sorry sweet mine is not weak cervix apparantly i have an irritable uterus (sorry if i spelt that wrong). but lots of people on here have had the stitch and im sure they will come on here and give u their stories hun...good luck and im here if u need to chat..i know how u feel after all x

I am so so sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful baby boy. I too lost a baby boy at 20 weeks pregnancy in Feb 2008 due to having an incompetent cervix. I became pregnant again later that year and had a stitch put in my cervix at 15 weeks pregnancy. I was absolutely terrified the whole of the pregnancy and counted down the weeks to the point where the baby would stand a chance of surviving if it was born early. I had the stitch taken out at 38 weeks and delivered my beautiful daughter at 39 weeks. I didn't think I would ever feel happy again and I feel so blessed to have my little girl. I've not posted on this forum before so am not sure if there is a way for you to contact me privately. If there is then feel free to and I will answer any questions you have as best as I can.
Take care and my thoughts are with you and your husband x

Thank you Hannah17. You've given me hope that I can still be a mum. I hate the thought that people...well no more that my little Archie will think I'm replacing him but I am so desperate to be pregnant again.
I've written down all my questions for when I finally get to see the consultant. Seems a really long way away.
My poor husband posted on dadsnet yesterday after the service and had eight people view his post but no one responded to him. I've asked him to come on here instead as LunaticFringe suggested but he's gone off the idea now. He just needs to speak to another man who's been though the same thing and this is a great place to do that. How does it work on here for men? Do you sign up to mumsnet and then just join the mens discussions or is there a separate log in somewhere?

Is anyone out there? Having a bad day today for no particular reason. Went to the pharmacy for more liners (will the bleeding never end?) and the pregnancy tests were next to them which made me want to scream out. Then I checked my emails after a long time of not going near facebook and a friend had emailed to ask how pregnancy was treating me. Another friend posted a pregnancy related question on her profile. I hate everyone else being happy and getting on with life when I feel physically and mentally drained.
I want to be pregnant again, right this second!

Hi, I am so sorry you are having a bad day. I rememember a friend ringing me to tell me she was 17 weeks pregnant just after I had lost my baby and I simply couldn't cope with talking to her about it. You have to allow yourself time and make sure that you put yourself first. My husband and I went away for a few days after our loss as we could not face being at home or seeing other people. It was the right thing for us to do as it allowed us to grieve together and talk about things.

I also empathise with your need to be pregnant again. I found out I was pregnant again around the time that the baby I lost was due and I found this really difficult. It was the conflicting emotions of grief & sadness and also happiness & hope that I couldn't deal with. I don't know if you have been offering counselling but with hindsight I wish this is something that I had done to help me come to terms with it all.

I did think about counselling but the idea of talking to someone who's been 'trained' rather than someone who's actually been through it makes me go cold.

My husband is worried about me being pregnant again for the reason you talked about. That I'd be due when we lost our son or the time he should have been born. But I just worry that I'll lose another baby full stop.

I've read so many peoples experiences on here and don't know how people go on after losing two or more babies. I don't know if I could get through that. It petrifies me.

I'd love to get away like you did but at the same time I think (and I know this is mad) that he won't know where I am if I go away. It's not like he ever got to see our house or sleep in his bedroom but I can't shake that feeling.

I don't think it is mad at all. When we went away I made my husband bring all our memories of our little boy with us (photos & hand and footprints) and I carried them with me at all times as I was so so worried that I might lose them.
I understand what you mean about the counselling. Have the hospital got a bereavment midwife? When I was about 16 weeks pregnant (after losing my son) I became paranoid about losing my baby and I went to see the bereavement midwife. I don't know whether she had ever lost a baby but she talked me through my fears and answered the questions that I had. She also arranged for me to have a relaxation session to help me to cope with my anxiety. If you do choose to go ahead with another pregnancy then I am not going to lie, it is terrifying. BUT the cervical suture is massively successively in cases where there has been a previous late miscarriage due to an incompetent cervix. I was convinced that my baby would simply 'fall out' and that the stitch would give way. However, having gone through the hour and a half it took the consultant to get the stitch out, I now know that this isn't the case!
We started thinking about trying for a baby again after we had been for our 6 week appt with the consultant and had a chance to ask him our questions. It is such early days for you and your husbandx

I am so sorry for your loss, I do understand how you are feeling having just had a still born baby son at 26 weeks in early Feb. The first few weeks are so confusing and do not underestimate your hormones (I hated it when people said it too me but its true) The only thing that has really helped us is talking about it together and being kind to eachother ? no one is to blame even if our bodies have been cruel. We are waiting for the post mortum results but when my son was born he had the umbilical cord around his neck so I am not expected much to come back. I went through the guilt process thinking I could have done something for this to be avoided but you soon mentally get to a dead end. We have been offered counselling at SANDS - might be worth googling them for your area. We haven?t been yet. Also be kind to yourself when you return to work (if you work) I have found it really difficult. Not sure that this helps you but I hope so. x

It does help thanks. All of you have helped.
It's great to know you are all there and know what I'm talking about. Even my mum seems to think I'm making too much of what happened but my husband and I know we feel are feeling more pain than we ever thought possible and that's just how it is. I think that's why we want to close ourselves off and just be together because it's easier than having to suppress what we want to say or how we feel. Your right about being kind to each other. I didn't think I could love my old man more than I did but this has brought us even closer together. I'm very lucky to have him.
I have tons of questions about the stitch when I see the consultant and I'll probably have more to ask you guys when I have (if that's alright). I was wondering how just a stitch could hold a whole baby in there but clearly there's a lot more to it if it takes an hour and a half to take it out...ouch!
I really think there should be more information given to pregnant women about miscarriage. All the books and leaflets I was given by the midwife and hospital didn't say anything other than if you bleed you may be having a miscarriage and see your midwife straight away. Didn't help. I was told after every bleed that it was unexplained and my baby was fine and then lost him after my 'perfect' 20 week scan. We need to know more.

they don't know what happed with me, according to gynae my cervix is very red, well it will be if u poke it too much! has anyone else suffered bleeding after being poked at? i had a lot of blood after my last visit it was almost period like. i'l find out more on the 29th, i have another appointment because they need a closer look.

Sorry I can't answer because I've not seen anyone since I lost my baby. In fact, I was wondering how long it took you all to get the first appointment through for a consultant. I was told 6 weeks when I was in hospital (nearly three weeks ago now) and I've just had a letter saying they'll see me in 8-10 weeks. I can't wait that long.

Hi, First time posting but wanted to say how sorry i am and let you know of my story in the hope it helps.....

I lost my first DS at 23wks after going into premature labour. They were unsure why i went into early labour but decided a weak cervix could be the cause.

I now have 3 children, each time i had a cervical stitch inserted at between 12-16wks. Doctors seem to be divided about whether a stitch works but it seemed to work for me and i prefered to do something rather than wait and see.

I did not enjoy my first "successful" pregnancy at all as i thought every twinge was the start of premature labour. Doctors were great and i was scanned weekly at first to monitor the length of my cervix prior to insertion of the stitch.

Hope this helps, if you want to know any more please let me know. Once again i am so sorry for your loss unfortunately only time makes these feelings more bearable.

God, 23 weeks. I was so angry that the midwife was telling us that we were so close to him being 'viable' but you were even closer to that magical day. I know that even 24 weeks doesn't mean a baby will be definitely be saved but is seems so cruel doesn't it. It's why I feel so angry with myself for letting him down. I would have kept the physical pain if it was possible to just hold him in for those few more weeks.

I've read that a weak cervix is often diagnosed but isn't always the reason for early labour. But like you I feel very strongly that having it as a precaution would be a benefit even if it's psychologically. God knows I'll be worrying about everything else. I bet your pregnancy felt like the longest months of your life!

Well my hubby and I are trying to tick along as best we can but I'm still not up for seeing too many people. I went to the dentist the other day and had already cried down the phone to the receptionist explaining I was no longer pregnant and would have to pay. Then when I got there a different lady asked me if I'd "had baby or was still expecting". I must have looked nuts sitting there fighting back yet more tears. Then my dentist asked about my psoriasis flare up on my neck and advised me to just not be stressed...gee thanks for that golden advice.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone but having you all out there willing to talk things through and share your experiences is more help than I could have imagined.

I'm so sorry you have lost your baby Sam. Have you tried contacting The Miscarriage Association? They can put you in touch with one of their volunteers who has also been through a late loss. Talking things through with someone who has experienced a similar thing may be helpful. I know they also have a small number of male volunteers if your husband would feel more comfortable talking it over with a man who can relate to how he is feeling.

My appointment with the consultant came through for 6 weeks after losing my baby. I don't know whether this is a standard timescale or just for the hospital I was at. Maybe you could ring the consultant's secretary and ask whether it is possible to have an earlier appointment or to let you know if they have a cancellation that becomes available?
Before we had our appointment my husband and I wrote down all of our questions to take with us. We knew that we would be upset so wanted to make sure that we had everything written down. I am so glad that we did this as it was a very difficult meeting and gave us something to focus on.
Lubyloo's suggestion about the Miscarriage Association is a really good one. I was able to talk to a friend who had also lost a baby at 20 weeks and I don't know how I would have coped without this support, it was invaluable