My husband needs help wit the loss too.

[sayitwithsam]

We lost our baby just over a week ago at 21 weeks. It was the most horrendous day. I was bleeding and in pain but the hospital staff hoped it would settle down and they could put a stitch into my cervix. My husband went home to eat and just five minutes after he left I went into labour. It felt like I was in a nightmare and when he got back to the hospital, our baby was laying lifeless next to me. No one prepared him for this.
I didn't think pain like this was possible. I thought losing my sister was the worse I could feel but our baby had no chance of life and it seems so unbelievably cruel.
He's been amazing and we talk about our baby every day. People care and I understand they just don't know what to say but already we are expected to pick ourselves up and 'move on' or 'get over it'. Seeing people just makes everything seem harder to deal with.
I keep being offered 'help' but no one seems to understand my husband needs help too. He wants to cry but keeps holding back because he doesn't want to let me down.
He feels guilty for not being there when I was having our baby and I feel guilty for my body letting us and our baby down and killing our son. Neither of us can move on from these feelings even though we've talked it through and feel no anger with each other. I was wondering if any of you had been through this and had partners who would talk to him. I can't stand seeing him in so much pain.

Hi Sam,

Like Hannah i was definately seen by my consultant after 6 weeks. Would push for an earlier appointment 8-10wks is too long to wait. V. good to go armed with a list of questions as your mind tends to go blank when the time comes.

Sorry for your hideous experience at the dentist- i had a similar one at the hairdresser's where they said "ooh you have nt put on much weight for 5months pregnant" a few weeks after i had lost my baby.

Hope you and your husband are looking after one another. x

People just don't stop and think do they? My dentist was clearly confused that I looked so very unpregnant (yeah you do lose lots of weight when your baby has gone and you are under more stress than you've ever known)and sat looking through my notes for ages, disappeared, came back and stared at my tummy then handed my a prescription for pain killers. It's maddening but people just don't know how to handle it do they? And I'd be just as guilty before it happened to me.
Its my birthday today and I was determined to talk to my doctor and get her to pressure the hospital to see me. But I got there when they opened and was told that my doctor was on holiday and I couldn't even try to book an appointment until Monday morning but I wouldn't get a double appointment because so many people had already said they needed to see her. So I'll get 5 minutes to go through everything (if I'm lucky). Make sense? No well that's how they are. It's all well and good the midwife and doctor telling me to just go see them if I need anything at all but if you can't get an appointment it's pointless.
I've been getting nightmares for a while now. Anyone else had this? The other night it was that I was in hospital and all of my insides fell out, so my husband went to get help but I knew I only had seconds to live, then I woke up. Last night it was that my Aunt (who's a midwife in Wales) told me that my baby died because I had too many baths and it was completely my fault. A dream about going to the park or playing with a puppy would be nice!

I don't remember having any nightmares. I know that you don't want to talk to a stranger about your feelings Sayit but I wish I had now. I know that the counsellor won't have experienced what you and your husband are going through but a good one will know how to help you. Like I mentioned in a previous post, I found the Bereavement Midwife a good source of support. I am thinking of you and your husband x

Went for lunch with my hubby and best friend the other day for my birthday. The miracle of true friends. We laughed for the first time and yes we did feel guilty for that but I had whole minutes where I felt like a normal human being.
I saw my GP too and she said t just go for it and start trying again (guilt again). But as she said, if my little boy had grown up, he would never let me stop my life and all of my hopes for the future because of something that happened to him.
I will have to pray every single day that history won't repeat itself.

I've just re-read the thing my GP said and it doesn't make sense the way I've written it...but trust me it made sense at the time!

Hi Sayitsam, I would push for the appointment if I were you. I have my follow up appointment and my son's post mortum results tomorrow and it was 9 weeks since I went through labour. They said that it takes that long for the results to be processed. I still feel odd about laughing but it does get easier. I work closely with a friend who is due in 3 weeks (so two weeks before my due date) and although I am fine being around her it is the compensation and awkwardness of everyone else that is really weird. kx

It is weird isn't it. A friend of mine became a first time dad in January. He emailed me the other day to say he was sorry and had wanted to contact me but felt so guilty for being so happy about his own life and couldn't face it. I hadn't thought about how uncomfortable I must make people feel until then. I just expected them to be ok with me talking about what happened and having his photos around the house. I put one photo on facebook so friends and family could see him and apparently sent at least three of them into a fit of tears. At first I was too caught up in my own pain to even care what was happening to those around me.
I've got my appointment now. It's not until 29th April. Oh and they got my name completely wrong in the letter (confident? nope!).

I hope tomorrow gives you some kind of answer and eases your pain just a fraction. It's all any of us can hope for isn't it.

I think people in general (like us) find it difficult, I do find it easier the second time I see someone. I had my appointment last week, the worst part was going back into the maternity area where I found out I had lost my son - it just brought back memories etc. The post mortum was inconclusive, the baby and all organs were fine - which is good news for TTC but not for closure. Good luck at your appointment kx

Still another 23 days to go until I see the consultant but am already wondering (hoping with every inch of my being) that I'm pregnant again. I haven't had a period since I lost my baby on 1st March but my GP said go for it and don't worry about waiting. I'm getting very low, light crampy feeling around my lower back and hips, felt sick for two days and a very light brownish panty liner. I tried a test even though I knew it would be too early to tell and it's negative (couldn't stop myself though). Am so desperate to be pregnant again but dreading this actually turning into a period.

...and hello period. Damn

I'm so sorry Sayitwithsam. The period turning up brings it all back again. I hope you find some closure at your appointment and are able to start TTC again soon.

So sorry to hear this has happened for you.

There's a book called Fathers Feel Too.

Haven't read it but am trying to get a copy for my husband as he found the Mumsnet book section on miscarriage helpful after our miscarriage.

@sayitwithsam one other thought is that counselling can be really helpful. My husband and I are big fans of it. Of course, it depends on whether it's for you but can be helpful. Big hug.

I thought I could cope without it but now I'm not so sure. I just can't stop crying. In February I had everything in the world to look forward to and now I feel like my life's over.

Two questions today. One: Has anyone else had the unbelievably annoying problem with unsubscribing to baby related newsletters? When I had my first scan they gave me all these booklets from baby companies promising money off and tons of helpful advice if I signed up to them. Now I've lost my baby I can't get off them. Even when I do manage to unsubscribe they STILL send them to me, updating me on how my baby should be developing and how I should be feeling at this point. I can tell them how I feel but I don't think they'd like it!
Two: I've not been trying again long but it took me over a year to conceive my little boy and I can't bear the thought of another long wait. I've ordered one of those ovulation monitor things because my cycle has been all over the place for years and I need all the help I can get. My husband thinks I'm putting myself under too much pressure but he can't understand my overwhelming need to be pregnant again. I've read on the internet that a lot of women are super fertile after losing a baby, is this true? It sounds messed up enough for it to be true of mother nature.

Hi Sayit, I can't help with the unsubscribing I'm afraid. If you have contacted them already then not sure what else you can do other than contacting them again. I needed fertility treatment to conceive both times so can't speak from experience on your second question. However, the fact that you did conceive a baby shows that although it took you a year, your body can do it. This should give you hope for the future but I know it is difficult when all you want is to be pregnant again. With the ovulation monitor, just be careful that it doesn't become all consuming. I bought one when we were struggling to conceive and I put alot of faith into it and did put alot of pressure on myself. When we were finally referred to a consultant he told me that the best thing I could do was throw it away (which I did). However, I am sure that there are a lot of women who have used one successfully. All the best for your appointment on the 29th. Maybe you could ask the consultant about the impact of losing a baby on your fertility? xx

I think your consultant was probably right! I've nearly used all the tester sticks and I've not had one fertile day yet. This could be a very costly and stressful way to do things. But leaving things to nature is going to be VERY hard.

I have just thrown the damn thing in the bin. It's just not working.

I had my appointment today and was told I had Placental abruption. There was nothing they could have done and if it happens in my next pregnancy there will be nothing they can do then either. How am I supposed to be able to cope with another pregnancy if they can't offer me hope?
Has anyone out there had this and gone on to have a successful pregnancy? I need to hear something positive!