Why can't I just move on with my life?

[Unbuffy]

I had an erpc more than three weeks ago, but it's all i can think about. I'm so tired and emotional and i just can't cope with everyday life at all. I feel so alone and don't feel i've got any one to talk to. i know i'm setting myself up for a fall writing this because i have a knack of killing threads.

basically this is a self-pitying moan but it's got to come out somehow. i think it must be hormones, that ever-present excuse, but somebody please tell me that i'm not alone and that it doesn't all just 'go away'.

Thank you.

Its a horrid all consuming feel of emptiness that once was nurturing a life and now is a void.

I felt sad in my heart my bones felt damp and heavy and I just felt utterly utterly sad.

It doesnt go away as such - you need this time to grieve for what might have been,and only when you accept what was can you move forward.

Youre allowed to feel cross and sad and bloody angry,youre bereaved,allow yourself these feelings and set yourself small targets to get back into the real world....be it the cinema on saturday a chippy tea on friday- care for yourself buy yourself a posh shampoo,it may help to record your feelings not that you will want to read them in the futire just that they help you see what is and what was.

Be kind to yourself its a hard time.

take care.

*the posh shampoo comment wasnt aimed at saying that will make it all better,im not that glib- i mean to say spoil yourself take care of yourself.

you're not lone unbuffy. I had a mc just over 2 weeks ago, and am also really struggling just to get on with life. I haven't gone back to work yet, and really feel that I can't. I am struggling with the dcs this week too.

Hormones definitely do play a role - there are times when I feel completely elated.

I am also extremely tired - I read (possibly on the pregnancyloss website) that this is a reaction to grief.

Please talk to me if it would help - I can't promise to lift your spirits though

you're not lone unbuffy. I had a mc just over 2 weeks ago, and am also really struggling just to get on with life. I haven't gone back to work yet, and really feel that I can't. I am struggling with the dcs this week too.

Hormones definitely do play a role - there are times when I feel completely elated.

I am also extremely tired - I read (possibly on the pregnancyloss website) that this is a reaction to grief.

Please talk to me if it would help - I can't promise to lift your spirits though .

oops sorry!

It's just so haaaaaaaaaaaaaaard. i have a toddler dd and she's at the clingy stage and all i want to do is bury my head in a pillow and cry. i need some time to myself to try and work out what's going on but i don't know how that's going to happen. and smiling for the world is almost impossible... but it's got to be done. somehow. how?

Hi there OP. I feel so bad for you - it truely is a dreadful time for you. I had two mc's a couple of years ago and it led to seven months of total trauma and upset, but eventually I had a successful pregnancy and the pain just disappeared.

The good news is that you can move on from it. Even a few weeks will make all the diference. You are in shock, full of hormones that are playing havoc with your body and probably unsure as to what the future holds.

Some people find that doing something positive like planting a tree or having a ceremony helps them come to terms and find some closure - I was the opposite. Every time I thought of marking our loss in some way I would just break down. In the end, I found it better to just think of it as one of those things and it helped me gain perspective.

You will recover - you will be healed physically, spititually and mentally once the bleeding stops and your body calms itself. I would recomend waiting a couple of months before trying again even if it seems like eternity.

Also, why can't we talk about what we've been through? what is this big miscarriage taboo that's out there? the m-word is like some big embarrassment, like we've done something wrong or have failed in some way. and yet we get told that it happens to so many people. it makes me so angry (when i get out of the self centred misery that is!)

I'm the same unbuffy - I just want to stay in bed all day.

But we have to drag ourselve up, and I'm sure that it will be easier in time. (at least I hope it will).

we can't talk about it can we? I haven't told anyone at work or any of the people I see on a daily basis.or my mum. just my dh really.

I don't know why I feel I can't tell people -I think if we did speak about it, we would find that people we know had already gone through it, and maybe it would be easier?

My mum was with me at the scan where we found out. she'd previously told masses of her friends that i was pregnant, and when she got home she had to tell them the opposite, which i think she found really hard - until she discovered that a lot of them had miscarried and she didn't know. i think that was worse in some ways. it's so hidden and secret and that makes it so much harder for us all.

tired, angry, and sad.

not good company.

does nobody know, Pollyanna? it must be very hard to hide it - it's hard enough when everybody seems to know and just expect it to be okay.

sorry, rambling now.

I'm so sorry for you Pollyanna and Unbuffy - it's so horrible.

I'm going through it too. Miscarried on valentines day (at 8 wks). I have told lots of people and have found it has helped as they have been very understanding. I am still suffering physically at the moment and think that the grief may hit me when the physical pain diminishes.

that really sucks Tiggie. I'm so sorry for your loss (trite but true).

i do hope you feel (physically at least) better soon. I'm told it does get better emotionally, but as you can tell we're struggling a bit here(!) but lots of shoulders and hand holding available.

Im so sorry you are having to go through this. My last mc (ive had 5) nearly killed me. I seriously thought about ending things. The only thing that kept me going was dd. I decided i could never risk losing another baby and i wanted to be steralised but the doctor wouldnt do it. Im so pleased they didnt as im now 12 weeks pregnant with twins. Its been really hard cos i was expecting the worse. I now think this might actually happen. It does get easier but how long that takes can change so much. My first few i took a few weeks to get over but the last 1 i took a few months.
Mumsnet is great for support and feel free to moan about how unfair it all it is because it is unfair.

I don't think this is something that you can ever get over. You just come to terms with it. I hope. I lost mine on 7th feb, which to me feels like both yesterday and a lifetime ago. Everybody knew i was expecting. Everybody. I'm now afraid to leave the house because i can't face the forced pity and sympathy. I experience one of two reactions - either feigned ignorance or a weak chin up comment or alternatively i've had those with an apparant morbid interest with questions fired at me 'do you want to talk about it? I'll listen if you need me to? How do you feel? What was it like?'
And neither approach is adequate. I don't want to talk about it but it's all that i can talk about. Its consuming. I'm so sorry that you have to go through it too. But the rather grim light at the end of the tunnel is that this does happen to alot of people. As you say more than seem to admit it. And these women survive, and cope. So eventually once we're out of the fog, we'll cope too.
Good luck. Look after yourself

Hi so sorry for your loss. I have had 4 losses and they were awful. I don't think you ever get over it, certainly not feeling normal for a good while, but you learn to live with it somehow but will probably be sad at cetain times, anniversaries etc. I found few people understood unless they had also suffered a loss, many thought it was OK as I had other children or 'you can try again'. Take care.

Hi Starshaker, all i can say is the very best of luck and good wishes.

Joooce, i totally agree. Nobody seems to know what to say or do - total 'nothing going on here' faces seem to be the rule. and i suppose there must be light out there somewhere. there's nothing to say about the subject - it happened, it's shit, and yet i want to find more to say somehow. i wish there was something i could do or say to make my pain, and yours, and everybody else's, easier, but there is nothing.

best thing to do is wine, hot bath and bed right now. and hope to sleep.

I am also doing the wine thing - every night!

No I hadn't told anyone I was pregnant, and don't feel I can tell anyone I have mc'd. My family know, but only because dh forced me to tell my mum I was pg - she told the rest. I have just told a couple of people at work, but haven't been back yet.

I have told a close friend, but the people i see every day (school mums) don't know. and it is difficult because they knew I was thinking about getting pg again. Also i did put on a bit of weight - eating through morning sickness - so I do look quite different to my normal shape.

Do you think it helps to be open about it with people?

Hi unbuffy - I just wanted to say that you are certainly not alone, even though it most certainly feels like it...

I had 4 mc's (so far) and I think I slowly went insane over the course of 2 years, until finally I went to see a shrink and went on prozac. I have to maintain my career as a teacher and it was just getting to the point where I didn't want to be around anyone and I didn't want to do anything. I had tried everything but it was all temporary - wine, pizza, books, dinner out with my hubby - but then I'd come back to reality and it was all sucky again...

Anywho, I'm thinking about you. Hang in there, and see someone if you feel you need to.

I told lots of people. Not everyone, but more than I might have thought I would. Vast majority of comments are supportive - including hearing it'd happened to them, in a couple of cases. This has affected me, and I just couldn't keep up an act of it not having happened.
I also wrote a poem (!most unlike me!) about the baby I might have had, which was strangely helpful - put my emotions outside of me, IYSWIM, instead of bottled up inside.

I had a MC 6 weeks ago as 12 weeks. Initially I was very sad and had a week off (due to feeling so tired and drained), then I went back to work and thought all was fine. Then someone announced they were pregnant and I was really sad again. I was also waiting for the next AF as we decided we would try again after that. Having focused on it so intently, it was a real shock when it came as it reminded me of the previous time I was bleeding and was frankly, bloody painful and unsettling. My hormones were all off. I became really, really sad - much worse than ever. Everyone in the NHS is so matter of fact and I received very little support. I read on MN somewhere about a poster who went to a service organised at her hospital chapel and it got me thinking. I contacted our local vicar about it as I felt that as in normal bereavement you say goodbye and remember the person. With MC this isn't there and for me I felt I had to officially acknowledge and remember the baby before I could move on.

Anyway, we had a very short service with the vicar, me and DH last Sat where we lit a candle and it really helped. I have felt so much more positive since then.

I think there is a tendency to think 'get yourself together' and move on (especially amongst health professionals). but grief is a very personal thing. Also, DH/DP's react differently often as they weren't the ones who were PG and this can come across as unfeeling - I got angry with DH which was wrong of me. It took me a while to accept he felt the same as me, but expressed it differently.

The only thing I wanted to say through all of this, is to have hope as it will get better. I didn't think I could get through it, but I have.

PS Forgot to add in ref to original post - it 'doesn't all go away' - but I do think the pain and sadness becomes less intense and regular as time goes on.

Do you think that maybe people expect too much of you?
Its the expectation that you are physically ok now so "get on with it"?

After 5 mcs, i can say that people who surround me actually ignore it now, almost as if they are bored of me

Family just say "oh, again" and that is it.
I do not have any offers of help, i dont ask. they are very obvious with thier opinions.

It has always taken me varying amounts of time to recover. Emotionally i mean.
None have been the same.
I just take it as it comes, just take as long s i feel i need to come to terms. When i can get through a day and not cry, or go to bits, then i considr that a day closer to recovery.

Other peoples pregnancy anouncements affect me inwardly. I would never push my grief onto any one else, its not them, its me.

Love, have hugs from your dp/dh cry when you feel you need to, talk about it to him, and of course us. We know precisely what it is you are saying as we have all been there before you.
Hugs to you x

It's funny how some days everything is fine and you think you've got it sussed and then the next day - bang. Or even hour-by-hour. I'v suffered from depression in the past and dh seems to look on any strong emotion as part of that. I was very sad last night and he said 'you really are depressed, aren't you' but it's hard to explain that it's more greiving than depression. Although at the moment i have to say it can be difficult to tell the difference.

Having had af just kick in i agree with westyorksgirl - mega hormone kick and not in the happy good way i was expecting hormones to kick in a month ago. when everything was (as far as i knew) ok.

meatntatty I'm not sure i could cope in your situation. you're a brave lady x

i just wish that the anger and the pain would pass.