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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Termination because of abnormalities

33 replies

evanshayleyleanne · 04/02/2010 08:02

Help. I am 14 weeks pregnant and on monday was told at the scan that my baby may not be okay. Its possible that his skull and brain arm't forming. I had another scan yesterday with the consultant who was unable to fully diagnose and we are waiting now for the specialist sonographer to see us tomorrow. In the meantime between monday and now i have been in hell. Its my second pregnancy and i look pregnant. I can feel the baby move and have bonded with him. I'm preparing for the worst tomorrow as if the diagnosis is bad the doctor has said that there is no chance of the baby surviving. If it doesn't die during pregnancy it will within 24 hours of birth. They will advise termination. I'm confused and depressed. My dh and i are both miserable and seen to be revolving in different worlds since this has happened. I need advice. Has this happened to anyone else? How do you cope?

OP posts:

chopstheduck · 04/02/2010 08:09

I'm really sorry to hear this is happening to you. I have no experience, but couldn't let your post go unanswered.

What you are describing sounds like anencephaly. There are support groups for people who are going through that, but I'd try not to google too much until you know for sure. Wishing you the best of luck for tomorrow.

Ewe · 04/02/2010 08:12

So sorry this is happening to you.

Perhaps the antenatal tests/choices topic might be a good place to repost this? Unfortunately quite a few people with experience over there

tartyhighheels · 04/02/2010 08:18

A friend of mine was in this situation, it is a nightmare scenario and I have no advice to offer except to say that you will cope of course but this is a heartbreaking situation made worse by having to make a decision about it too. Please do access some help through conselling during this time because I am sure it will help both you and your husband. I am dreadfully sorry you are in this situation it is so unfair, my absolute best wishes to you all.

ilovesprouts · 04/02/2010 08:31

hi this has not happend to me ,but a couple of my friends had the same problem ,and termination was advised

sarah293 · 04/02/2010 08:33

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Original poster

evanshayleyleanne · 04/02/2010 08:49

Thank you for your support. And the link to the antenatal threads. I didn't realise that i could in there. I just feel that even before the diagnosis tomorrow i'm already mourning my baby.

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sarah293 · 04/02/2010 08:50

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Crazycatlady · 04/02/2010 08:53

I'm so sorry you're going through this. We have just been through the same awful thing - also second pregnancy, and had started to feel movement . There are no words to describe how it feels. Until you've been through it I think it's impossible for others to comprehend.

I haven't posted about it on MN for that reason really but have found some of the threads on the section ewe linked to quite useful to read through, to see how others have coped, what to expect from the hospital and also to read some of the happy stories of new babies arriving to families who have been through this horror not only once but sometimes twice...

Also I can highly recommend getting in touch with ARC www.arc-uk.org/. They are a charity which support families through times like this. They have a telephone support line and email group.

Take care of yourself x

Original poster

evanshayleyleanne · 04/02/2010 09:43

Yes my husband is coming with me. He is hurting as much as me. Thank you again for the links i think i'm going to need all the support i can get. The doctors seem to think that i should suck it up. In the consultants office yesterday, he asked if if could scan me saying 'do you mind if i check its still alive?' their talk of viable pregnancy is callous and hurtful.

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IHaveABlueCar · 04/02/2010 10:28

I had a termination at 23 weeks for abnormalities found at the 22 week scan, so I understand exactly how you feel. I was obviously very visibly pregnant and had told everyone.

It is so important that you and your husband talk lots and lots as only really the two of you can know how your situation is.

I read that it is normal to feel grief twice - once for the 'normal' baby you thought you were having and then for the baby you're (potentially) going to terminate. Its an odd thing when you've cherished something for so long, been excited to get the blue line to then decide to end it.

For us, once we made the decision to terminate it got a bit easier, the worst by far was the scan that spotted the problem and the days waiting for a confirmed diagnosis following the amnio.

I found it useful to not think 'why us?' but instead 'why not us?'. You never believe that 1 in 10,000 or whatever will happen to you but once I accepted that there was no reason it wouldn't happen to us I (kind of) made peace with it.

It was my first pregnancy, though I have gone on to have two more healthy dc's. It is terrible. My thoughts are with you.

Crazycatlady · 04/02/2010 10:37

That was thoughtless of your consultant, it is the little things like particular turns of phrase that can make all the difference in this situation.

On the whole my care was excellent and staff were very kind, but the anesthetist assistant asking me in a jolly tone 'so what are you having done?' just before going into theatre, and the midwife calling me two days after the termination to book me in for antenatal care really shook me up.

So far, I have found that the time between the scan/test results and the termination were the absolute worst emotionally. Now that it is over, I still feel incredibly sad for the baby we have lost but the turmoil and anguish has subsided.

I have found having a healthy mix of people around me I can call on for different things is really helping - DH for the really low moments as only he can share how this feels, mum for practical support with looking after DD etc, a few close friends for chat and distraction, and ARC for the information and detail I felt I needed.

ARC may be able to help you think of any questions you'd like to ask the sonographer tomorrow and what to expect if the results are worse, or better, than expected.

sarah293 · 04/02/2010 10:45

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MimsyStarr · 04/02/2010 14:46

I am sorry to hear this. Our first pregnancy ended with a termination at 13 weeks after the 12 week scan (and subsequent CVS) showed baby had Trisomy 18 Edwards Syndrome.

My way of coping was to try not to think about it and to get pregnant again asap. I don't recommend it. I found that each month I wasn't pregnant it hit me harder and harder, and I think it was the grief that I hadn't expressed earlier coming out. We eventually fell pregnant after 8 months and had a healthy child.

The Fetal Medicine Unit that cared for me were brilliant, both the first time and with my second pregnancy. They scanned me every 4 weeks from 8 weeks onwards.

I didn't seek any extra counselling, probably because the FMU staff were just so great - the nurse manager there would hug me every time she saw me and we would have long chats about all sorts. She was my counsellor! You wouldn't think you would have fond memories of such a place and time, but she really made it a much better experience for me. My consultant was also brilliant. Your consultant sounds like a knob, I am sorry to say.

I am hoping for you that there is someone else there you can bond with, otherwise the ARC sounds like a good place to contact. And us on Mumsnet! let us know how you go tomorrow. x x x

Cantdothisagain · 05/02/2010 08:46

I really hope Monday brings you different news.

If not, I have been there too, twice. I terminated once at 13 weeks when baby couldn't have survived pregnancy, and again at 20 weeks when it turned out the baby had no kidneys/lungs and wouldn't survive. It is impossible to imagine and it changes you completely. My consultants were nice - but for them it's work as usual, for us it's our whole lives being turned upside down. And the idea of having to terminate a much wanted baby is very difficult to live with.

The worst period for me too was before the termination itself. Afterwards you start to come to terms with it. I can talk to you more about things that help if it comes to it after Monday.

But I just wanted to say: I'm so sorry this has happened to you. And I do know how it feels. Take care of yourself.

AllwaysDoingSomething · 05/02/2010 12:10

I want to offer my total sympathy for this horrid situation. Don't doubt how awful you and your husband must feel. I can't offer any help on how to cope as I'm going through a similar situation. Am 26 weeks pg with a surviving id twin, waiting for an MRI to determined the extent of delayed neurological development and termination has been offered to us, albeit rather coldly, should the results come back badly!

Hope you find the support you need at this very difficult time.

Original poster

evanshayleyleanne · 07/02/2010 04:50

The baby was diagnosed with anencephaly. They said the baby was incompatible with life which is a phrase i never want to hear again. I'm going to have a medical termination. I took the first tablet on friday and have to go in tomorrow, well today really looking at the time- i have been cooked onto the ante natal ward to go through the next bit. I'm scared and hurt. I don't really know if the termination later on will hurt but it's been easy to access many horror stories about it which i'm trying to ignore. Thanks everyone for supporting me.

OP posts:

Crazycatlady · 07/02/2010 09:54

I'm guessing you're probably on the ward right now - just wanted to say I hope things progress as peacefully as they can for you and that you are well looked after in the hospital. We'll be here if and when you need support xx

Original poster

evanshayleyleanne · 07/02/2010 14:55

Thanks crazy. I'm on the ward they've given me my own room. An mning on my phone. My waters just went. Very unexpected. And it felt exactly the same as it was with my first, except that at the end there was a baby to love last time. I don't know how all of the women here and on the tests and choices threads have coped. There must be a lot of very strong people out there. I have never felt more weak. And childlike. Completely helpless. Sorry to vent at everyone.

OP posts:

iMum · 07/02/2010 15:01

xxx

This is unimaginably awful and I am thinking of you and your little one.

xxx

Crazycatlady · 07/02/2010 15:52

Of course you do sweetie, you're at your absolute most vulnerable right now. I know it won't feel like it immediately, but you will get through this. We all will. It is amazing how we find strength at the worst of times. Vent all you like here, it's all part of the healing process xx

MissiG · 07/02/2010 20:34

Sending you lots of positive energy to help you through this!!!!!!!! Gx

rosieposey · 07/02/2010 20:42

So sorry to read about your situation I am thinking of you, your DH and your lo x

kissmummy · 07/02/2010 20:53

hi there, i wanted to add my thoughts. nobody expects you to be strong. this would be a horrendous experience for anyone. allow yourself a LOT of time to rebuild. you will probably never "get over" it but you will begin to feel stronger and more philosophical in some months time, i hope. take one day at a time.

Veritythebrave · 07/02/2010 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wifeofdoom · 07/02/2010 20:58

Thinking of you.

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