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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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Original poster

who thinks recurrent miscarriage is caused by stress?

32 replies

kissmummy · 07/12/2009 22:09

Not me. not any of the GPs or eminent fertility consultants i've spoken to. But lots of people who don't know anything about miscarriage seem to.
in the last week two people have suggested my four miscarriages are because of "stress"
I know they mean well but a) my life isn't particularly stressful and b) could four miscarriages really be caused by stress even if my life was stressful?? and c) don't they see how difficult this is to hear, when it implies that it is all somehow my fault for my "stressful" lifestyle? and d) what am i supposed to do, confine myself to permanent bed rest until i have a successful pregnancy?
i don't feel stressed, except when people say this!

OP posts:
SydneyScarborough · 07/12/2009 22:15

This reply has been deleted

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2009 22:19

ohhh, as I clicked on this I was already trying to form a tactful post about how mc is not caused by stress, it wasn't your fault blah blah blah

but you beat me to it

they are idiots who don't know what they are talking about

it is hurtful to make ill informed comments about something you know nothing about

don't listen to them

I am sorry your pregnancies were not successful, but stress didn't cause them to end

Has any of these specialists managed to get any idea why you are having these problems ?

ladylush · 07/12/2009 22:22

It's one of the most ignorant, insensitive comments made to me after my recurrent m/c. I think it's down to bad luck or an underlying problem that hasn't been picked up.

hazeyjane · 07/12/2009 22:25

Oh I was just about to post something similar to AnyFucker

PacificMistletoeandnoWine · 07/12/2009 22:27

Oh, what bollocks!!

Along the same lines as telling people with problems conceiving to "just relax and it will all happen".

Insensitive, ignorant, ill-informed drivel.

Admittedly often said by people who want to say something helpful, do not know how to and get if spectacularly wrong. Keep telling yourself "they mean well" and repeat.

I had 4 MMCs, and got that one too - from my father who never approved of the fact that I continued working after having children...

Very sorry for your losses. MC is stressful, but not caused by stress.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2009 22:51

thanks hazey

peanutpie · 08/12/2009 06:26

I got so cross with people about this sort of thing when I was trying to have my first bab.

My answer was generally, unless you have a magic cure for being anxious and miserable about this then you are being totally unhelpful....

Babies also get born in horrible war zones, where I imagine life is pretty stressful!

That said, I must admit that did concieve after giving up my job. Personally that was because I found that fertility problems and miscarriages, whilst having a job I hated too stressful to live with (let alone have a baby!). To the point where I had three months off work with depression and anxiety and resigned following this.

I think that my choice to resign was very personal though, and it was 'life enhancing' whether it helped us to have a bab or not. When I talked about it with the fertility consultant who I was seeing she said that she didn't think it would make a difference.

Miscarriages and fertility problems are stressful and I think it is good to be super kind to yourself through this difficult time.

slimyak · 08/12/2009 15:49

I've had 3MCs, none of which at particularly stressful times of my life.

Like peanut said babies get born in war zones!

People who know nothing always say things that don't help often out of trying to be helpful. It's that giving you an answer when you didn't ask for one approach.

After my last MC, someone said to me - there's always tomorrow... My thoughts being, why what the fuck is going to happen tomorrow?

You can only cling to what you know and be aware that there are others who know exactly where you are coming from.

Dozer · 08/12/2009 21:08

Oooh, all the things people say, it is so hard to handle.

There is a whole sticky thread on baby and bump on "what not to say" - and bet we have all heard variations on many of the comments!

I agree that the worst comments are those that imply that somehow one is to blame for the recurrent m/c, e.g. suggestions that is due to stress, lifestyle, trying too soon after a baby / previous m/c, being tired, etc etc. Ignore, ignore ignore!

A recent one to me would be that it would be "masochistic" to try again. WTF?

bb99 · 08/12/2009 22:12

I was over the moon when pg with my second dc and 1st (turned out to be) lmc...couldn't have been in a happier or less stressed place - my life was just where I wanted it to be...

Feeling quite stressed now tho, after the mcs, despite managing to somehow catch another 9 monther, during some of the MOST stressful times of my life...

Oh and was totally unstressed again during last pg - again a lmc, so perhaps stress helps.......

Laughable to comment in such an annoying bitchy insensetive manner! Shouldn't imagine your commentators have had any xp of mc, kissmummy

Ignore, ignore, ignore, or correct in an informative and patronising manner often quoting medically based studies or pointing to the various available leaflets...but only where you feel able to not mind the flack

lissielouskissingsantaclaus · 08/12/2009 22:17

oh, had this. several times. was told by everyone from my SM to our cons that maybe a holiday would do the trick. well, 10 mc's in (and 1 ep) and we've had a few holidays. guess what? no baby! this type of drivel is spouted by idiots, but still hurts, wishing you loads of luck ttc!

confuddledDOTcom · 08/12/2009 22:25

I always ask women who've had multiple miscarriages if they've been tested and if not get tested for Anti-phospholipid Syndrome. It causes 10% of recurrent miscarriages and the more you have the higher your chance of having it.

ladylush · 08/12/2009 22:53

I suggest thryroid function is tested as well. It was not a standard test previously but may well be soon.
But the sad fact is that many women have all the tests going and no cause is found.

confuddledDOTcom · 08/12/2009 23:50

ladylush, it's a myth that the HCP seem to like to spread that most miscarriages are unknown cause. For a start 10% are Anti-phospholipid Syndrome and 10% are Turners. I don't know the stats on other conditions, but there are a lot, for example Prenisolone (?sp) and Aspirin would seriously improve the outcome if given to pregnant women (I can't remember the figures for those though).

The cynic in me thinks that whilst it would save a lot of money in pregnancy loss for them to run these tests and use these preventative methods as standard they would be losing money from the babies that are carried to term.

Personally I'd have every pregnant woman tested for APS early on, they'd catch more positive tests than they do testing for Sickle Cell and Thalasemia.

gigglewitch · 08/12/2009 23:58

came to post pretty much what AFFAMP said. Glad plenty of sane comment on here.
Gawd I wish I'd had this place when I had my first few mcs.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 09/12/2009 07:26

me too giggle

I went through mine pretty much alone and uninformed

ladylush · 09/12/2009 10:37

confuddled - I meant that for many women despite all tests being carried out, no cause is found. I had 4 m/c after having ds. One was blighted ovum and one suspected ectopic. No cause was found - I had all the tests. I asked for a thyroid function test as in my desperation I trawled the internet and found that underactive thyroid was linked to m/cs. I don't know whether treatment helped or not - but I do now have a much wanted 2nd dc.

lissielouskissingsantaclaus · 09/12/2009 11:23

i agree with ladylush, a huge amount of women suffer rmc with no explanation. i have had every test going and been taking asprin since mc4, no joy.

confuddledDOTcom · 09/12/2009 18:05

I know that for a lot of women there is no explanation but there are far more explanations that the HCP would have you believe.

lissielou, if you have a condition that Aspirin would improve the outcome to then as you've already had MCs it's possible you need more than Aspirin - this was the situation I was in, I should be OK on just Aspirin but because I've had previous loss Aspirin isn't enough for me and I have to inject.

lissielouskissingsantaclaus · 11/12/2009 10:19

confuddled, i agree there. Im pretty sure that my infertility stems from uterine GBS. every mc is immediately preceded by temp rise and flu symptoms, unfortunately my PCT subscribe to the asprin cures all school of though.

confuddledDOTcom · 11/12/2009 21:53

If they gave every woman aspirin when they got pregnant along with the folic acid they'd notice a big difference in outcome. But if there is a reason for miscarriages that seems to have a different cause then they should be looking at that. Have you pushed for testing or pre-pregnancy clinic? Sometimes we have to be our own advocate, that's why I have my babies they would have let me lose more before doing anything.

lissielouskissingsantaclaus · 11/12/2009 21:58

ive had every test known. i mc at 5-6w and am "down" for heparin when i get to 7w and have a heartbeat. however, havent got to 7w for a long time. tbh we have given up now. cant do it anymore and we have ds.

confuddledDOTcom · 11/12/2009 22:14

Heparin should be given at the earliest chance. If it's needed it should be used before 8 weeks when the highest risk of miscarriage is, a week in advance isn't going to have prevented enough clotting to do any good.

You've had a lot to deal with and it sounds like most of it is from the profession. I can understand why you want to give up, I would have if I hadn't had the support I did. TBH with you, the fact you have a child already probably adds to the way you are treated, they seem to think that if you have a child there is nothing wrong with you and it doesn't matter if you don't have any more because you've had one.

ChoChoSan · 14/12/2009 11:16

I get sick of all of that 'stress' crap...I have been ttc for nearly 4 years, with 2 m/cs, and I have often heard the 'don't get stressed' thing...errr, well for a start I wasn't even bothered for the first couple of years, and still did not get pregnant...when I finally did get pregnant I miscarried - quite stressful, I think you will agree, but then I got pregnant again straight away. Despite having m/c before, I was very optimistic that my second pg would go well, having looked at the stats, and had a heartbeat scan, and was as happy as Larry...well guess what...I m/c at 10 weeks.

I have been very stressed at work recently, and one of my friends keeps saying 'the last thing you need is to be stressed right now, if you want to get pregnant, blah blah', and TBH... I find that really f*ing stressful! Stress is not a choice FGS! Don't these people think there might perhaps be a physical reason for your failure to conceive or carry to term...I have never heard a stressful lifestyle being prescribed as a contraceptive!

I am usually very understanding that people often say insensitive things when they are trying to be kind and interested, and I often defend that on threads where people get cross about friends asking if their baby is 'good', or saying 'at least you know your can get pregnant now', but this one does get on my tits, because it's so bloody unhelful and illogical.
(I know that stress can exacerbate physical problems, but that's not for my mates to diagnose!)

confuddledDOTcom · 14/12/2009 21:49

Do you know what really pees me off about it all?

We give women a list of things they should and should not do. What you can and can't eat. What you should avoid. Don't get too stressed. And so on.

What happens when a woman loses a baby "Don't be so hard on yourself, it's not your fault there was nothing you could have done differently"

Well of course she's going to blame herself!!! You know in your heart that everyone is blaming you because you must have eaten something you shouldn't have or you spent too much time with your smoker friends because you were told that you shouldn't do all those things when you got pregnant, do they really think we're stupid when they say there was nothing we could have done???

That's what annoys me. Of course it's not the mother's fault and she shouldn't feel like she's to blame (I could list all the things I did wrong that caused my loses regardless of the fact I have a duff body and some of them are total crap, no way could it cause it and then there's the ways my OH blames himself) but society has told her the fate of her baby is in her hands they can't take that back from her when she's lost a baby.