pregnant again and struggling with the uncertainty of what will happen this time

[kissmummy]

i'm a regular poster on this site but have changed my name. i've had two miscarriages in the last few months. i have a healthy little boy so the miscarriages were unexpected. last week we found out i'm pregnant again. i felt totally "flat" about it - not excited at all. now i'm beginning to start worrying all over again (something i have been trying so hard not to do ) about whether it will work out this time, or not. I am constantly looking for pregnancy "symptoms" to reassure myself the baby is still alive and constantly thinking about the whole situation. needless to say i don't have any strong symptoms, which is probably hardly surprising at less than five weeks pregnant [hmmm] i know fretting and fussing and analysing everything is the road to madness but i can't seem to stop it.
does anyone have any advice/tips for getting through these next few weeks while we wait to find out if this pregnancy is viable or not?
Forgetting about it/putting it out of my mind and getting on with life as normal just doesn't seem to be realistic.

Of course just getting on with it and putting it out of your mind isn't realistic. I had 2 mc, then had ds, then mc again and 6 weeks after the last 1 found out I was 5.5 weeks pg and it was horrible. I have no advice on how to get through it, as my mc's kind of made me look at it like what will be will be and be quite cold towards it, which won't help many people. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone and you will get through it one way or another. I found telling friends and family helpful because I then had the suppoert if I needed it at any time.

I had one m/c (having had a dd previously) and then it took me 2 years to get pregnant again. The first few weeks were terrifying - I don't really have much advice other than take each day as it comes. Each day is a day nearer.

Can you have some early scans - either through EPU or privately ? I had private scans at 7 weeks and 10 weeks and it helped to break the first trimester up into more manageable chunks.

That said, I am almost 34 weeks now and still worry constantly although admittedly not as much as in the early days.

If you'd like some support come over to the pregnancy after m/c thread - there's lots of people in the same boat.

kissmummy, I am feeling for you and know exactly what you mean about "feeling flat". And also the obsessing about non-existent prenancy symptoms - you poor thing!

Try telling yourself that without positive pregn test it would be IMPOSSIBLE to go on and have a baby at some point, so first and most important step done: you got yourself pregnant, congratulations! I believe in the power of positive thinking.

I felt robbed of the excitement of early pregnancy after 3 MMC (all early, thankfully!), but then enjoyed feeling the baby kick much more because I so appreciated having something tangelible (sp?) to let me know all was well.

Now have 3 boys...

You hang in there, do not waste nervous energy on being cross with yourself for feeling whatever way you are feeling, be kind to yourself and live one hour day at a time. Do lots of things to distract yourself if you can.

Does your local hospital offer early "reassurance scan" for woman with previous MCs? Do you have access to an "Early Pregnancy Clinic"? There is good evidence that v closely monitored ie scanned early pregnancies after MCs do statistically better - must be a happy relaxed mum is better than totally stressed out anxious one.

Time WILL pass, even if it feels like treacle.. Very, very best of luck!

Hi kissmummy,

I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel. Its a waiting game and its so difficult and awful.
I also had 2 MMC last year and am now 8 1/2 weeks pg. I started spotting at 5 weeks and it hurt so much, I had a scan at 7 wks and I was so relieved so see my baby's HB, it was amazing and kinda unexpected as both previous mmc started with spotting. After my scan I bled again and am still spotting evey now and again, my midwife put it down to cervical erosion caused by the scan but until my 12 week scan I will not be able to relax.

leningrad is so right with the innocence being lost, it has and its such a shame.

The only advice I can offer is to try and think positive thoughts, relax and confide in people who can support you thru the waiting.

Wishing you well xxxx

thanks for the advice. one of the things i find difficult is whether to tell people or not. in the last 24 hours i've twice been put in a difficult position by friends asking if i'm pregnant. i'm a hopeless liar and don't feel right being dishonest so have found myself telling them even though i'm not sure i really wanted to! because i told so many people about the miscarriages (it really helped talking about it), for the kindest of reasons, they now all regularly ask "how it's going" in that pointed kind of way. or worse, just ask direct, "any news?" i'm torn between just being up front about it all, and feeling that telling people might jinx it...in which case i've definitey jinxed by now.
if i manage to hold on to this one till eight weeks, i will def go for an early scan. they don't do reassurance scans in our area, but i can go private. it would definitely be worth it.

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I feel for you. I had a 'missed miscarriage' before ds was born. This meant I got to about 13 weeks and so had already assumed everything must be OK. It was such a blow when I miscarried and I was terrified and extremely anxious when I became pregnant again, so I know how you must be feeling. I paid for an 8 week scan and to hear the strong heartbeat, and be told that everything was 98% certain to be fine from what they could see at that point was an overwhelming relief. I would really recommend this if you can. I hope everything goes well for you.

i think they're asking out of what they see as kindness but it's horrible to feel you have to give a running commentary on something so sensitive. i think i'll just have to find a nice way of making it clear i don't want to talk about it

Hi Kissmummy. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope things work out this time. I am going through exactly the same thing as you. I had a mmc in the first week or so of November and got pregnant a month later. I am almost 9 weeks pregnant but am stressing about it. Yesterday I had my booking in appointment at the hospital and burst into tears on the midwife as I'm so worried things won't work out again. As with you, I have a happy, healthy DD, so I know it's possible. I would have miscarried around the 9 week mark although I didn't find out for another week, so now is my most stressed out time - until I go for a scan on Monday.
I am just spending the next few days indulging - lots of yummy comfort foods etc.
Hopefully I will get through this successfully - and hopefully you will too! Good luck x

Hi all - I've just had my 12 week scan, and all is good. I got through trying not to dwel on being pregnant - not easy though. I only told one friend, who looked after DS when I had the scan. I couldn't face the looks of sympathy/hope. A few people knew about the previous mc because DH had told them I was pregnant and so I had to tell them I had a mc.

Choose who you tell with care, only those YOU need to tell. It does get annoying, all those pointed questions.

If you need to, make up a cold or ear infection or something to explain why you don't feel well. It would also explain why you don't drink alcohol.

Hi kissmummy it is so hard,I've had 2 mcs and am now 10 weeks pg. I'm suprised and relieved to be at 10 weeks, and can't wait to get the next 2 weeks out of the way. Me and DH haven't really spoken about the pregnancy until now, we are just starting to talk a little, we just didn't want to get our hopes up, but it is hard. Thinking of you xx

Hi , I am 14 weeks pregnant after having miscarried a year ago. I waiting a while before I tried again becuase I wanted to be as strong emotionally as possible. But I am not, I am racked with anxiety, the first 12 weeks I worried about losing the baby, then had a low risk nuchal scan, thought I would be happy, but now I am beside myslef with anxiety about there being something wrong and am considering amnio, whcih seems so drastic and risky but I can't seem to find any thing slese that will reassure me. But if I lost this healthy baby after amnio I would never forgive myself. I can't go on with the worry though, I have two little children at home that need me to be happy and strong. I am going to do worse harm to baby with this worry than anything. What should I do?? Would you have amnio for reassurance????

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hi bebe, i personally would not consider an amnio. i don't think it sounds necessary in your case. you'd never forgive yourself if something went wrong as a result of the amnio. try to be happy that you are 14 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby as far as anyone can tell. if you have the amnio and all is well, it's quite likely you'll start worrying about something else. There are no guarantees in this business- you can have all the tests on earth and still have a sick baby. i hope this doesn't come across as blunt - i just don't want you to put yourself and your LO through unnecessary trauma. unless your doctors are advising you to have an amnio, i'd leave it - what will be will be

I was just about to post this same thread - kissmummy and everyone else I'm right there with you. Had an early mc in November, and have just found out today that I'm pregnant again. I'm 6 weeks - the same time I got to last time round.

I'm so pleased that it wasn't difficult to get pregnant again, but I can't quite believe I'm going to get to keep it. I know it's quite early to feel symptoms, but I can't help thinking 'I didn't really feel pregnant last time, either'.

Will keep my fingers crossed for you

how are you robber? we're at exactly the same stage. i still have very few symptoms and don't know what to think. sometimes i feel so negative, and that i'm just going to miscarry again; other times i think i'm going to be third time lucky. i am really hopeful, but struggling with the constant fear of it not working out again. I have booked an early private scan for next Thursday - i will be seven weeks by then. i wanted to wait till eight weeks but there are various practical issues (to do with whether we go on holiday in a couple of weeks) and also the uncertainty is driving me mad. if things aren't working out, i want to know asap. i keep wishing for reassuring symptoms. felt a bit sick last night but maybe just psychological. how about you?

Hi kissmummy - I've been over on the 'pregnancy after miscarriage' thread on the pregnancy section, everyone is very nice

I'm doing ok, feeling pretty much the same as you! I think I have more symptoms than last time, definitely feeling a bit nauseous, backache, funny taste in mouth etc, which is reassuring but I know that doesn't make it certain. Also with my first (full term) pregnancy I had hardly any symptoms at all, so I know they don't mean much!

I don't know whether I'm going to go for an early scan - it's a lot of money. I'm not telling anyone (apart from 1 friend, mum and dad - not the rest of my family) and at the moment I think I'll just go to the 12 week scan trying not to hope too much.

Will keep my fingers crossed for you on Thursday!

oooh you are strong to be able to wait that long. i know it's so much money - you kind of don't mind paying the £100 or so (don't know where you live but it's between £100 and £150 in London - ouch! my friend in leeds got a scan for £75) if it's good news but it feels horrible shelling out for bad news.
but i will go absolutely mad waiting and wondering for another six weeks so i am going for it.
only three days to go now...i might have a look at the pregnancy after miscarriage board..

Not strong, just miserly!

I think it's also because my mc was a natural one at 6 weeks exactly - if I'd only waited a week to take the pregnancy test I would never have known, it was just like a period (sorry if tmi)

So I feel a little bit positive that I've already gone a few days past 6 weeks, and kind of think that if I make it all the way to 12 with nothing happening naturally it might be ok.

OTOH, if I do get to 12 and it turns out to be mmc (shouldn't even be saying this!), next time (God willing) will probably feel different about an early scan.

Hi there - I also know exactly how you must be feeling. I already have a DS who is 3 but in the past year have had 2 miscarriages, one at 10 weeks and one at 12 weeks.

I am pregnant again and I have had all the feelings and thoughts etc you describe. To be honest I don't know how I got through the first 12 weeks, constantly running to the loo and panicking over every twinge etc. I also didn't have any symptoms at all so that was a worry but here I am now, 21 weeks and still can't believe it.

I'm sorry I can't really be of any help but I just wanted to let you know that there can be a happy ending and just remember (as the consultant told me last time I miscarried) - chances of having 3 miscarriages in a row drop to about 1%.

I wish you all the very best with this pregnancy and I'm sure it'll be 3rd time lucky for you too xxx

Oh god, I'm so with you there. I'm pregnant again after 5.5 years of trying and a missed miscarriage at 13 weeks, and I can't believe it at all. Yet nothing seems to be going wrong, it's looking like a textbook pregnancy. I think that there's no justice in this world, but equally no injustice. If this is meant to be, it's meant to be. There's no jinx. I don't think I'll properly believe it's truly happening until this baby reaches a viable sort of age (say 28 weeks)

Oh, and I'm 14 weeks pregnant but only started to tell people in the last few days. If I miscarried now it would be a tragedy so I figured I wouldn't mind people knowing, whereas earlier I couldn't face having to handle other people's reactions as well as my own grief.

kissmummy, how did your scan go? (Sorry meant to ask earlier, but had awful week with dd ill )