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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

i miscarried and thought I was fine and now I want to wail out loud.

27 replies

oranges · 14/01/2009 23:20

I really thought I would be okay. I bled, and miscarried without anything stronger than paracetamol. But now I can be at work, or at home and I can feel my face twisting, as if I just want to burst into tears. Please tell me its just a hormonal imbalance. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

scrooged · 14/01/2009 23:25

You are allowed to cry if this is what you want. You have lost something so precious, you are grieving. It was still a baby, your baby and you need time to grieve for your loss. Is there anyone that's supporting you?

HeadFairy · 14/01/2009 23:29

Oh you poor thing. I thought something very similar, I coped initially very well, physically it wasn't a problem. I was all very matter of fact about it, but about two weeks later I had a total collapse, cried for absolutely ages. My dh was brilliant, just held me, then poured me several large glasses of wine. I felt a huge weight had gone from me. I agree with scrooged you have to allow yourself to grieve in whatever way suits you. Sobbing for 2 hours was my way.

Another way I worked at moving through it was to focus on concieving again. I tried to be as pro-active as possible, buying tons of grapefruit juice, starting to follow my cycle closely again and watching out for ov signs. That did really help me, having something to concentrate on, work towards and so on.

One thing I can say for me though, time has been a great healer. I do hope you can find some peace soon.

Original poster

oranges · 14/01/2009 23:30

Don't know. Dh is wrapped up in work again, but I know he's still feeling anxious but we can't seem to reach out. Everyone else thinks we've moved on. And we should have done. But its only been two weeks. Everything feels so cold and grey.

OP posts:

Original poster

oranges · 14/01/2009 23:32

I don't feel able to try again just yet. I have a lovely ds, and have just booked some holidays to far off places so we can use it as an excuse to put off trying. I've miscarried before and wanted to start ttc straight away them. This time I just feel very weary, as if I'll never have another child.

OP posts:

KerryMumbles · 14/01/2009 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 14/01/2009 23:35

Oh love how rotten for you. You're allowed to feel miserable and to hurt. Two weeks is no time at all. Two weeks isn't even long enough to get over being dumped by a casual fling, let alone the loss of a baby: please don't expect too much of yourself too soon.

Aitch · 14/01/2009 23:35

i take issue with the idea that you should have moved on, tbh. it's no time, a fortnight.

for me, losing my first pregnancy wasn't just about the physical, it was such a shattering blow to my faith that i would be a mother. i don't know if you already have children but i think that it would be the same, just because it's all there in front of you, you're making plans and then nothing. frightening stuff, no-one likes having the rug pulled out from under their feet.

anyway, i'm sorry, i have to go and sleep, but i really don't think you should feel under pressure to recover yourself, it's a lot to take in.

HeadFairy · 14/01/2009 23:36

oh you poor thing, you sound so down. Are you holidays any time soon? It might be just the thing you need, to get away from anything that reminds you of what you've been through. It is difficult for people to understand what it's like, even those that have been through it. My mum had a terrible miscarriage at 22 weeks years ago, and yet couldn't understand why I was so upset by a miscarriage at "only" 5 weeks.

Original poster

oranges · 14/01/2009 23:41

I do have a son and thought I'd be okay as I don't have that terror I had when I miscarried last time, before him, when I wondered if I could have children.
Darling ds. He saw me crying the other day, and said: "mummy crying? Is mummy a little baby? Here little baby have some milk."
And gave me his milk.
DH seems so strained somehow, and we are both clinging to ds, instead of each other.

OP posts:

scrooged · 14/01/2009 23:41

Two weeks isn't long at all. Your husband's probably grieving too and doesn't know what to do or say I'd imagine. You do need to support each other as this is a sad time for you both. Take some time out together, a bottle of wine might help you both to relax and feel more able to talk to each other. I think a miscariage can be really hard as it's harder to say goodbye. There's no funeral, no cards from people, no flowers so the grieving is more couple centered, which is why people behave the way they do. I've had friends that have made little memory boxes, scan pictures, booties they had brought for that baby and a little card to say how much they were loved, even though they grew for a short time. They find this helps as it makes their loss something to see rather then something to feel. It's going to take time for both of you.

HeadFairy · 14/01/2009 23:43

Scrooged, that's a lovely idea. I never got to the scan stage but it's a really sweet thing to do, because you're right. Once they're gone it does feel like a bit gaping hole and there's nothing to show they were ever there.

Original poster

oranges · 14/01/2009 23:43

In the last month I've also moved house and had a beloved uncle drop down dead of a heart attack in front of me in a car park. And my lovely cousin is losing her baby, and my home town is in flames. Not sure how to put one step in front of the other anymore.

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Original poster

oranges · 14/01/2009 23:44

The baby was meant to be hope. And now its gone. Scrooge your idea of a card is a lovely one.

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Original poster

oranges · 14/01/2009 23:48

am going to sleep now. your words were really comforting.
x

OP posts:

HeadFairy · 14/01/2009 23:49

Sleep well oranges, sounds like you've had a terrible time of late. I hope things improve soon. Take care

KerryMumbles · 14/01/2009 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scrooged · 14/01/2009 23:52

It's just a really, really shit time. It will get better though, it always does but you need to have faith that it will. Life doesn't throw what we can't handle. It might seem as if it is but you have spirit and optomism. You may not feel it but it's there.

I used to know an Indian shamen, he once told me that some babies were only ment to stay for a little while because they wanted to experience feeling loved and wanted before it was time for them to move on. I know it sounds corney but I supported my sister through the loss of her babies and she found comfort in this.

HeadFairy · 14/01/2009 23:53

Blimey scrooged, you're going to set me off blubbing. That's so lovely.

scrooged · 14/01/2009 23:56

Sorry.

TheFallenMadonna · 14/01/2009 23:58

DH and I went out to a restaurant about a month after I miscarried, having hardly really talked about it up 'til then, and ended up both weeping across the table to the great discomfort of everyone else int he place . I blame the wine. God knows why we chose such a public place, but somehow as soon as we started to talk the floodgates just opened. It did help though, very much. Take care.

HeadFairy · 15/01/2009 01:03

Oh don't worry scrooged, I didn't mean in any bad way. It's just a lovely idea about the babies that just need to be around long enough to be loved.

clarey2311 · 15/01/2009 08:34

So sorry to hear that oranges. I really feel for you as am in same place. Had bleeding over Xmas which resulted in an ERPC on new year's eve (bean around 10 weeks). Procedure went fine and I felt ok for about a week or so but this week has been absolute hell. Primal screaming out of nowhere and feel like my heart will break. Don't have any children and am 35, feel like time is running out. Also my DP is 28 and while he has been supportive I think he is secretly relieved as he didn't feel ready, or really, that we were ready as lately we have been arguing a lot. Yesterday I cried my eyes out telling him he didn't care anyway and we should split up (not meaning it) and he almost agreed and today I feel fine again...until the next time I'm hoping it's all hormones. Sounds like you have had a lot of other awful things happen to you as well so please go easy on yourself. If this continues for me I am going to try and take a few days off work to cry it all out. Especially as I am sat between 2 pregnant women. Glad you have some holidays booked. Please go easy on yourself, I am finding out the hard way that 2 weeks is no time at all and it takes what it takes. In the meantime you have a right to grieve. Take care, hugs...

hazeyjane · 15/01/2009 08:54

Oranges, I am so sorry about the hard time you have been having, like Aitch says 2 weeks is no time, when you have a mc. It is so much more than a physical loss, it is the loss of all the hopes that you put in place for yourself, your family and your lo.

Is it possible for you and your dh to have some time together alone. After our second mc we went away together for the weekend (it was before our dd's), it was a long and strained weekend, but we talked and talked, and things were a lot better afterwards. Without dh, i don't know how I would have got through.

Cry, talk to your friends and loved ones, hug your little boy and please look after yourself. x

Daynee · 15/01/2009 15:37

This just stinks! I am sorry for this hardship oranges (and all others). You know what I really hate- at least I'm really hating it lately - is when someone says, "Don't worry so much...Everything will be ok." I would much rather they say, "Screw that. It sucks."

It's been a few weeks since my last mc (the 3rd one) and I still don't want to hand with my friends. I enjoy being with my dh and that's it. We go out, have drinks, or just hang at home and watch movies. I don't want to go out and have to force myself to be interested in conversations about work, the weather, and who's getting married, and what not.

I might also add that work and school and terribly difficult because I just don't want to have to do anything but stay at home and wait until this problem is fixed, or then again - wait until I get preggers again, then wait 3 months...THEN I will finally feel better and will probably be able to focus more and enjoy work again. UGH.

I just wanted you to know that I hear you loud and clear. Also, my dh is great and we spend a lot of time together but he's not exactly Mr. Communication. He says he doesn't want to talk about it over and over because it's the same conversation. I get his point but I still like to talk - which is why I'm on here and also why I talk to my Mom endlessly about this! I just talk to my dh when I feel like it and he listens...but what he's best for is taking my mind away from it with funny jokes and taking me out. Perhaps your dh should take you out for some drinks!!

belgo · 15/01/2009 15:40

oranges - it is partly to do with hormones, but mostly it's simply grief for what you have lost. And that's very understandable, you have lost something very precious to you.

I'm sorry that you are going through this, and all the other things in your life

Look after yourself.

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