Agony of miscarriage at 19 weeks

[SpringBlossom]

Hello, I posted this yesterday at the end of a longer thread but another MNetter recommended I started a new thread (thanks for the advice).

I lost my baby last Monday night (27th Oct) at nearly nineteen weeks. He was a little boy and we have called him Elliott. We were on holiday when it happened and the birth was truly horrific. I only was able to come out of hospital yesterday and am in pieces.

I am 39 and Elliott was an IVF baby with whom we had overcome so many hurdles to get to nineteen weeks. I was in hospital at 5 weeks with OHSS (a side effect from IVF) we thought we had lost him at 7 and a half weeks when I bled continuously and heavily for two and half hours (was probably other IVF embryo being evacuated) and had three other separate bleeds. Each time my darling baby hung in there and from about sixteen weeks I was finally thinking that this might happen for me.

However, I have been suffering from a huge fibroid, which, although the medics played down, at 21cm x 13cm caused me to look nearly full term at just under five months. I thought this was probably the reason I miscarried but having seen the consultant yesterday, he thinks it more likely that I have an 'incompetent cervix' that caused me to go into labour early.

I can't console myself with thinking we can try again because in reality I don't know that that will ever be possible. We have had so much in our way of ever getting pregnant and to start again would involve fibroid surgery before we even got to IVF. If we got pregnant then I would have to have a stitch in my cervix etc. I am crying as I type this because as I type I know I can't do this again and Elliott was my one and only baby. I nearly died giving birth and this pregnancy has been so difficult that I don't know, even if anything is possible, whether it would be right to subject my partner and myself to this again.

This email doesn't even begin to describe anything of what I feel, but have read some of the posts here I know others are in the same agony. I made contact with someone else through the other thread who had lost their baby last week and much as I wouldn't want this horror wished on anyone, in some small way it helps knowing there are other people who are trying to get through this agony. Our babies were so precious.

Elliott's devastated Mum.

springblossom, your post made me feel like crying. what an absolutely heartbreaking experience. it put my own situation in perspective. i had an early miscarriage in July - only 7/8 weeks - and I already have a DS who is 15 months. I have been fussing and anxious about my next pregnancy. Your post reminds me how lucky I am and how I should be grateful for what I have. Wishing you love and strength.

So, so sad for your loss, and to everyone who has posted in similar situations . Lots of love x

Springblossom and pumpkinseeds your stories move me to tears as I relive what I went through. I lost one baby at 20 weeks, after loosing my waters on New years eve 1999, I spent the new millenium in hospital praying for the survival of my baby, that it could hang on a few weeks more to be born. Eventually infection set in a week later and even though they tried to induce me the baby hung on for another 48 hour. (I had also started exhibiting problems of symphisis pubis disorder a problem my sister had had in pregnancy which causes excrutiating joint and ligament pain).

After much trauma and doctors not being exactly sure what was wrong, as a PM showed nothing, they decided it might be an incompetent cervix and would monitor me in another pregnany. I got pregnant later that year and had a major bleed at 8 weeks, luckily all was OK and I had an internal scan each Wednesday to check the length of my cervix. I asked the specialist at 19 weeks what would happen from Wednesday to Wednesday, he assured me all was OK. I was at my parents house 50 miles from home "on the Sunday and lost my waters, at which point I became hysterical because I knew what was before me. Yet again the baby hung on a week before miscarrying.

Both babies were boys. All I can offer you is hope, as I am the result of my mother having an incompetent cervix 40 years ago and so is my sister and I have heard many such stories since. It was four years before I was strong enough mentally to face pregnany again and constantly asked "why me?" The crying seemed endless and anything would start me off, it seemed everybody was either pregnant or had children.

I now have a fabulous and beautiful 4 year old little miracle daughter (through the tears),whom I thank god for every single moment of every single day. The medics got it right with her and I had a stitch after being monitored at 15 weeks. It was the most horrendous pregnancy as I was in agony, bed bound and couldn't drive or walk, I also had a few scares along with loads of complications...but she was born 5 days past her due date.

These are the darkest days, and the fact that it is winter as well makes life worse, it may be a long time, but honestly one day you will look back and the pain will have faded a little.

I wish you all the luck in the world, keep trying how ever hard it seems!!!! xxxxxxxxxx

Clare, thank you so much for your positive story. It means so much to hear that you went on to have a lovely daughter.

SB, I just wanted to say that I will be thinking of you, Peter and Elliott tomorrow. xxx

i feel for you so much. i cannot not post. i am short of time now and will post more fully later.

i want to just tell you this.

i lost a son at 19 weeks and was told i probably had an incomptent cervix.

i had two pregancies and had sutures for both. both went to term and i have a lovely and wonderful son and daughter.

Hello Clare and BBBeee, thanks for sharing your stories. I really hope that it might happen for me - but the incompetent cervix is just one of the issues... Back in for more fibroid surgery before anything can happen.

PKS - we found out late last week that the funeral is actually on Tues - but we are going back to the IOW tomorrow night, two weeks after we lost Elliott. Today was a bit traumatic as when I opened the photos of Elliott they were all out of focus. I nearly completely lost the plot. However, I phoned the bereavement midwife who looked after me whilst I was in hospital on IOW and she went in this afternoon to the labour ward, with her own camera and took some more photos of Elliott. How amazingly kind is that? I can't begin to thank her enough.

PKS - I am set up on here so that i can receive emails via MN - are you? I realise some of the stuff I have posted to you I have posted cos I thought I was posting to you alone and then I realised afterwards it was a public forum. It doesn't really matter because the support has been fantastic. If you are not adverse, drop me a line via the MN email system thingy... If not, no worries...

SB

Good morning SpringBlossom, hope this morning isn't too difficult for you. I have tried to set up the CAT thingy but it doesn't like my password (it's not them - it's me, as I am a terrible Luddite and useless with computers). You can email me though at [email protected].

I am having a rotten morning. Georgie was cremated at nine o'clock, which we hadn't arranged to go to (I'll be at the blessing and scattering of the ashes at ten tomorrow) so I spent most of this morning in bed, feeling awful.

I hope tomorrow is healing for both of us - I am thinking that, for me, I might start to find a bit of peace. Well, that's the plan. The reality might be different.

I'll be thinking of you, Peter and Elliott tomorrow - I can see the IOW from the beach where I walk my dogs. xxxx