Agony of miscarriage at 19 weeks

[SpringBlossom]

Hello, I posted this yesterday at the end of a longer thread but another MNetter recommended I started a new thread (thanks for the advice).

I lost my baby last Monday night (27th Oct) at nearly nineteen weeks. He was a little boy and we have called him Elliott. We were on holiday when it happened and the birth was truly horrific. I only was able to come out of hospital yesterday and am in pieces.

I am 39 and Elliott was an IVF baby with whom we had overcome so many hurdles to get to nineteen weeks. I was in hospital at 5 weeks with OHSS (a side effect from IVF) we thought we had lost him at 7 and a half weeks when I bled continuously and heavily for two and half hours (was probably other IVF embryo being evacuated) and had three other separate bleeds. Each time my darling baby hung in there and from about sixteen weeks I was finally thinking that this might happen for me.

However, I have been suffering from a huge fibroid, which, although the medics played down, at 21cm x 13cm caused me to look nearly full term at just under five months. I thought this was probably the reason I miscarried but having seen the consultant yesterday, he thinks it more likely that I have an 'incompetent cervix' that caused me to go into labour early.

I can't console myself with thinking we can try again because in reality I don't know that that will ever be possible. We have had so much in our way of ever getting pregnant and to start again would involve fibroid surgery before we even got to IVF. If we got pregnant then I would have to have a stitch in my cervix etc. I am crying as I type this because as I type I know I can't do this again and Elliott was my one and only baby. I nearly died giving birth and this pregnancy has been so difficult that I don't know, even if anything is possible, whether it would be right to subject my partner and myself to this again.

This email doesn't even begin to describe anything of what I feel, but have read some of the posts here I know others are in the same agony. I made contact with someone else through the other thread who had lost their baby last week and much as I wouldn't want this horror wished on anyone, in some small way it helps knowing there are other people who are trying to get through this agony. Our babies were so precious.

Elliott's devastated Mum.

I'm so very sorry to hear your news. I can't really say anything that will comfort you but I had two miscarriages in between my children and I finally had my daughter when I was 41 and I can't tell you how hard it was to continue to try for her. All I can say is that you need to give yourself time to grieve and to physically recover before being in the frame of mind to make any decisions about trying again. I hope you have friends who can support you.
Again, I'm so very sorry but don't give up all hope.
Very big hug and best wishes.

Really sorry for you xxx

I'm really sorry for you Springblossom. Take good care of yourself, and give yourself some time before taking a final decision. Best wishes from me as well.

SO sorry to hear your story. All I can offer is to say take each day at a time and give yourself a chance to grieve for little Elliott.
(((((((Hugs))))))

So sorry for your awful loss

too for your very sad loss

How utterly awful for you and your family.

I'm so sorry.

i'm so very sorry to hear about your loss. elliot is a lovely name.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Please give yourselves space & time, really hope you have lots of RL support xx

I am so, so sorry. This is a truly awful thing to go through, especially after you've been through so much already.

My sister had a very very similar experience, lost a baby (boy) at 21 weeks most probably due to a very large fibroid (actually had several but one was extremely large). She is on MN so hope she won't mind me telling her story. But I wanted to tell you as she went on to have a DD a year and a bit later, at the age of 39. She didn't have surgery for the fibroid.

If you ever feel up to it, there is a very good Harley St gynae who specialises in fibroids & pregnancy. I'm happy to give you his contact details. I have had 3 miscarriages and many problems too, so understand a little bit of what you're feeling - you are not alone. I hope you are getting lots of support and understanding from family and friends.

I am so sorry about little Elliott. xx

Hello SpringBlossom, thanks for your message on the other thread. I wanted to say that I also have a large fibroid but this has never affected any of my pregnancies, so I am assuming that it was irrelevent this time. Although I am now going to ask at my eight week check up....

I have heard from the hospital chaplain today that Georgie is to be cremated on Monday and we will be at the scattering of the ashes in the baby garden on Tuesday morning. We thought we would have quiet walk along the canal afterwards and then a nice lunch. It's very difficult to know how to handle it all - in six months will I feel that he had a decent funeral? I really don't know.

I am so sorry you had such a hard time getting pregnant and so much worry in the beginning, only to end up here, without little Elliott. You sound like a wonderful mum, who fought hard to get as far as you did. I worry too that Georgie might not have known how hard I would have fought for him, if only I had known he wasn't well. I wish I had realised that he wasn't kicking properly instead of reassuring myself that it was normal. I wish I had had the amnio (was given a 1 in 58 but I didn't want the test).

Sorry to blurb on. I am covered in milk and a bit weepy today. Hope tomorrow is better for both of us.

Ps x

Hi PKS,

Thank you for saying kind things. I'm finding mornings the absolute worst time as each time I wake up the first thoughts that go through my head are 'late miscarriage', 'incompetent cevix', '28th October' (day Elliott was born and died)...by the evenings I am a bit better and can cope without crying all the time.

Do you know about the Sands site? Someone on here recommended it to me and I am finding it quite good as well for support. There might also be more opportunity for 'real life' support I think.

I don't have the milk issue to deal with but I am sure that must be yet another cruel reminder from life of what might have been. Re-fibroids, the docs are adamant that this didn't contribute (although it's going to take a while to sort through in my own head as to whether I agree with them - at just under five months I was largely immobile and felt a tremendous pressing down sensation all the time which wasn't the best). They say I have an 'incompetent cervix' and this is the problem...

Do you work? Have you got any idea how you will cope with going back to work as I can't imagine it - especially as a woman in my office is 14 weeks pregnant.

Sending you my heart felt best wishes,

SBxxx

Mornings are awful, I agree. For a second, when I wake up, I have forgotten and then it all rushes back. But then everything is a reminder at the moment and can make me cry - a catalogue, a maternity top, the biscuits that I liked when I was pregnant - it all catches me out. I keep thinking, x days ago, I was so happy and looking forward to the future.

No, I haven't worked since we moved to a new part of the country two years ago, so at least I don't have to face that anxiety. I can't imagine being able to face the world at all at the moment, let alone a pregnant co-worker. I have just started getting to know some of the mums at my five year old's school and I am dreading telling them as I know I will be in tears and then be forever the mum everyone tiptoes around.

Do you have some support in RL? You said you had a partner, but do you have other family/friends to take care of you both?
How is your partner coping through all this? Mine is so practical, I find it difficult to burden him with all this emotional stuff.

Hope this morning isn't too hard for you

ps xx

Hi PS,

Well after crying for most of the early morning I have just about managed to get dressed and stop crying temporarily. I've been doing exactly the same as you, torturing myself with "two weeks ago I was pregnant", "two weeks ago Elliott was with me"... I can no longer face cheese as Elliott's early days were fuelled entirely by cheese sandwiches. I find it even difficult to be at my computer as a lot of the time I work from home so Elliott and I were in here 'together' when I worked. It almost verges on insane how much your mind can torture you with these thoughts. I never thought I had it in me to feel like this. It's so frightening.

I am lucky with my partner - he is called Peter which means 'rock' and he is being my rock. I am terrified that I might send him mad too but I can see that he can hold on for both of us during this early bit. I hope I can give him some space to grieve at some point. I haven't got a lot of anything for anyone else at the moment. Does your partner let you cry and cry? Peter never says very much - just "you are ok, we're ok, we can get thought this" - it doesn't sound like much but his voice is so calm it is the only thing that can make me feel even a tiny bit better.

Do you have one Mum you can confide in? I was advised that it is quite good if you find someone who will tell other people what has happened for you so you don't need to repeatedly tell people what has happened. I sincerely hope that we both find other people surprise us. Funnily enough my male, 48 year old boss called me yesterday (he had checked with P first) and we talked for about half an hour. He didn't say much either but I really respected his courage in picking the phone up and talking to me. It helped to have a bit of contact with the world.

Best wishes for today PS,

SBxxxxxx

Dear FattiPuffsandThinnifers,

Thanks for your reply. It was good to hear that someone can still go on and have a baby after all this. My fibroid nearly killed me post delivery as it was so huge the uterus couldn't contract and they couldn't stop the bleeding. I think I may need to have something done about it if we were ever to contemplate doing anything again. Who is the Harley St Gynae you mentioned? It's not Mike Bowen is it?

SB

I'm sorry sorry you have had to suffer a late miscarriage. Will post later when I have more time but I have been there too and have three healty children.

SB, I have had frighteningly insane thoughts, too, although the worst of them seem to have passed. I honestly believed, in the beginning, that I was going to end up going mad. My poor husband, who is suffering badly, too, is trying to 'fix' the problem of a grieving wife by distracting me all the time. He is so kind but I have to hide how I am feeling constantly. So I am spending plenty of time in the bedroom, pretending to read, or in the kitchen 'making a cup of tea', but actually bawling my eyes out.

Did the hospital give you any keepsakes? I have the quilt he was wrapped in and a teddy they put with him, plus his footprints and photos in a box by my bed. The photos are really helping at the moment - he looks like his big brothers and I can think of him as a person. He has little hands that look as if they should be really busy - real interfering little fingers that look as though they are itching to press the Sky remote buttons or turn the computer without warning.

Peter and your boss sound like the type of people you need around you at the moment. You need people that you can rely on.

Take care
ps xx

Springblossom, again just wanted to say how sorry I am you have had to go through this terrible loss. And pumpkinseeds too

A friend had a stillborn boy at 34 weeks and found SANDS really helpful - if you haven't been in touch with them already. Springblossom I am so glad your DH is being so wonderfully supportive.

The dr I mentioned is Adrian Lower (London Clinic). He is lovely (but expensive). Is your existing consultant/hospital any good, do you trust them?

Sending my best wishes and sympathy to you xxx

Hi PS and FPT, (and anybody else out there on this thread about misacrriage, I hope there aren't too many of us in this situation).

Re-keepsakes, we have photos and footprints in a book I think but I haven't been able to look at them. I am planning to do so because people on Sands (yes, I have found that site FPT, and it's already been very helpful) said that I might find them comforting. I think initially looking at them might rip me apart, but I am greatly comforted by knowing they are in the house. I am also comforted by having held Elliott. Thank god I said yes to that because initially I was frightened. God I never thought I was such a frightened person but over the last ten days I must have said 'I'm frightened' more than in the whole of the rest of my life.

Our consultants (multiple) depending on what stage of the process we have been at have been good. Two major problems though - a) I had my miscarriage whilst on hols so was dealt with by a hospital I had never set foot in before (nb we were never at any point offered a PM) b) in terms of the care I was receiving whilst at home everything was so compartmentalised... saw one consultant for fibroids, then the IVF unit, then a Fetal Medicine blokey... never felt at any point that anyone could give us an overview of the whole process. I think we are going to have to think this through for ourselves.

Thanks for both of your thoughts; it means so much to be able to chat.

xxx

Pumpkinseeds ans springblossom, I feel utterly heart broken for you both.

8 years ago I suffered a miscarriage at 20 weeks. It was such a shock, my pregnancy had been text book and my 20 week scan had shown a healthy baby. My baby was still alive when I went into labour and he died very soon after birth. Even thinking about it now I feel tearful.
My consultant thought that I may have an incompetant cervix. With my next two pregnancies I had a cervical suture and had two healthy girls born at term.
With my fourth pregnancy I also had a suture but miscarried another boy a few days later at 16 weeks, I also had measles at the time so will never know what happened as the baby didn't show any signs of the virus and there was no infection in the suture site.
I chose to start trying as soon as I could after my second mscarriage and was pregnant within a few weeks. I decided not to have a suture and had regular scanning of my cervix instead. Thankfully my healthy son was born at term.

I really hope that shows that though it isn't easy there is hope. For years I would find myself crying at night for my first baby and I think it's only really now that I have started to grieve for the second baby I miscarried. I really hope you get some answers and wish you both luck with the future.

SpringBlossom I agree the keepsakes are a great help. We have pictures and hand/foot print. I have looked at them maybe three times in 8 years but it's a great comfort knowing I have them.

SB I am so so sorry I reda your post and I can feel your sorrow.

Life is shit sometimes, and I don't know what I can say to make you feel better.

I hope you get your dream. Look after yuorself.
xxx

SB, I wanted to just say your partner sounds amazing and I am glad he can give you strength and support.

If it helps, a close friend of mine lost her baby at 19 weeks last year aged 39 - baby had Turners syndrome, which doesnt always kill babies, but it did hers. She then didnt ovulate for 9 months; her body was in shock. When she did, she got pregnant immediately and now has a gorgeous little boy. She still grieves her little girl - dont suppose this loss ever goes away - but she has this beautiful baby boy.

Lots of hugs.

Thank you for the reassurance, goingfor3. I am hoping that I will also be able to have another successful pregnancy. How terrible for you that you suffered two losses - I can't imagine how you found the strength to cope. You must have been devastated.

SB, you were so brave in the hospital - I wish I had held Georgie. I made my husband go to see him first as I was too scared. Then, when I asked the staff to bring him in, I couldn' even bring myself to touch him. I think I was in too much shock after the birth. I keep wishing I had just stroked his cheek. It's just another thing to torture myself with. But I am comforted that I saw him and that he looked so peaceful.

I have suffered from two miscarriages and know exactly how you feel right now. It is blooming hard at the moment but you will get through this, time is a great healer and I echo what DrNortherner said above.

Take care X.