noleeen,
i have been exactly where you are now and i know how bad the feeling of living daily with a heavy heart and empty arms is
my 1st m/c was a blighted ovum too, picked up at a scan, i was devistated, my whole being ached with sadness,
i too fell pg with baby no 2 with no period in between, i started to bleed at 5 weeks and was told there was prpbally no hope, my pregnancy levels rose and fell for nearly 12 weeks, it was very unsettling but i was so numb from my first m/c that looking back i kind of sailed though,
i ended up being treated with methotraxate, a strong and not very nice chemical they inject into you to kill all mulitplying cells
we waited 3 months for ttc no 3, i fell quickly again and we dare not even let ourselves get carried away, early scans looked good, the heart was strong and as the weeks went on we learned to love our new pregnancy, at week 10 all was good, we had an amazing scan and we seen him dancing on the screen for us,
1 week later another rountine scan showed him very still, like he was sleeping, i can not even think back to those days without tears in my eyes,
the hospital confimed the worsed had happened and that i had to have a d and c to remove him, devistaed was an understatement, i had some very dark days, i drank vast amouts, never ate, couldnt sleep, i was off work for 6 months, i cried daily, never left the house...
and anyone who even suggested i was lucky cause i could get pregnant i could have happily strangled, i avoided pregnant friends, i only went out late to do the shopping as i knew babies and children would most likely be in bed, life was a mess, a very big mess
we waited 8 weeks for the hospital to compleate the tests on baby and they confirmed he was chromosonally perfect, they could find nothing wrong, with me, dp or ds,
we had a cremation for him, it was symbolic really as he was so tiny but it helped me move forward, infact that was a year ago yesterday, the 22nd oct, and the day after we climbed hellvellyn mountain in the lake district in his memory
we raised a few hundred pounds for the miscarriage assoastion and my heart and lungs for the first time on many months felt full of air again, like i was able to breathe easy,
our relationship suffered, i can tell you it has been a real test of our strengh, sex is always tough after a mc as it becomes all about the babymaking and not about the pleasure,
there were times we held each other and times we didnt talk for days, not because we had fallen out, just because there was very little to say,
i still miss ds, i always will, like you said some of the losses are harder that others, my 3rd mc was the hardest, the first was tough and the 2nd i feel bad about beacuse i feel i coped quite well with that loss at the time,
i am very happy to tell you that after many more tests, a painful course of daily injections and 9 months of mostly bed rest our dd arrived in july of this year
there is alway hope, even on the darkest days, i just could never see it at the time,
if you need anyone to talk to i will do all i can to help,
the ladies on mn helped me so much, and day by day i was able to talk though my feelings and get them into some sort of order,
i hope that reading my experiences makes you feel less alone