How do I get through this?

[monkeybumsmum]

Found out at 12 week scan yesterday that the baby stopped growing a couple of weeks ago. Have to go in for an ERPC on Thursday.

This comes after a miscarriage at 8 weeks in May. This time round I've had hyperemesis and been in hospital on a drip - have been feeling awful for the last 6 weeks and haven't even been able to look after ds (18 months).

I just can't believe this has happened again. I keep wishing that we could turn back the clock and for yesterday not to have happened. I feel so upset at having missed my little boys first summer walking, and having been so poorly and all for nothing.

What on earth do I do? Am dreading Thursday - last time round I found it the most difficult part of all. I just want my baby to stay where it is, it's not ready to come out yet. I don't want to have to leave it in some hospital somewhere.

Somebody please help me through this, I just don't know what to do. It hurts so much.

Cal, I hope you're right. I can't bear the thought of possibly never having another baby. We're off this evening for a week to a little house in the middle of the French countryside - no tv, internet, phone signal, nothing. Am glad coz I think we need some time to let this sink in. I had awful dreams last night that all my friends were pg and were showing me their bumps, and I kept on waking up crying. Today I feel very weepy, but I suppose it's good that's it's finally coming out. You sound like you're feeling a bit stronger emotionally, and I'm glad that this last week has been helpful. I think both of us have had our hearts broken...

Pooky, thanks for your lovely messages. I so hope that you're okay too. Last time I had an ERPC I was wiped out for a good few days, but it's weird this time, because as soon as I had it I stopped feeling sick (thank god) and so although I feel exhausted, I feel like I want to do things that I've not been able to do for the past couple of months. It'll be good going away as there's nothing to do, except to read, play with DS and go out for meals. DH is adamant he's going to feed me up as I've lost quite a bit of weight... (Never thought I'd hear him say that!). Anyway, I hope you manage to find some peace too, after the ordeal that you've been through. You take care too xxx

MBM - I doubt you'll have time to peek in as you're going tonight, but think that you're absolutely right about going away and spending lots of time together as a family, it sounds lovely .

I am feeling better, I think that my hormone levels had started to drop off some time ago though as symptoms faded at least a couple of weeks ago - I'd been preparing myself for the event even though everyone kept trying to reassure me which I think is why I reacted so strongly (and severely) the day after it happened (had a complete meltdown, including hyperventilating into a right old state) but have been a lot more 'in control' since.

Have a lovely, lovely time and maybe I'll see you around the ttc boards some time in the future - if you want to chat at any time - just give me a shout - I'm always about somewhere .

Thanks Cal - didn't end up leaving this evening as I've had quite a tough day and have been v upset. We're going to leave at about 5 tomorrow morning. Have got an 8 hr journey ahead of us, urgh! That must've been awful for you to get in that state, very upsetting. You poor thing. Not surprising though.

Don't think I'll be hitting the ttc boards yet, or even in the near future, but be sure that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines . See you around xxx

Pooky, not sure if you'll be checking back or not, but I'd love to get in touch away from here sometime if you've got an email address... We've been through practically the same awful experiences this year. Better go as need to try and get some sleep before our mammoth trek tomorrow, but hope to chat soon x

MBM, I hope you didn't think I was being insensitive mentioning the ttc boards...I just meant that I hoped that you'd be able to find a way through - brighter futures and all that.

Have a safe journey, x

Hi Cal, got back late last night - it was good to get away but was really tough not having any distractions. Far too much thinking time!

I didn't think you were being insensitive at all, don't worry! I actually feel much more like ttc than I did this time last week, but we're going to try and hold off for a while. After this 2nd mc I get the feeling that there are a few people (family)who thought we didn't leave enough time last time, and they've been hinting at it having happened again too soon. Emotionally I think we need a bit of time.

How are you doing? Don't know about you, but I'm now feeling furious about what's happened . Hope you're doing okay...