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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Original poster

am i in denial?

33 replies

silvermum · 15/07/2008 19:20

i'm having a miscarriage and feel strangely peaceful about it after several days of heartache, not knowing whether i was miscarrying or not.
i was just over 7 weeks pregnant and DH and i were happy and excited about the pregnancy and absolutely did not see this coming. i have a DS 11 months and have not had a m/c before.
for several days we had the agonising hope that things were going to be okay - it was a very upsetting time. when it became obvious i was miscarrying i was gutted but quickly hid it because i was staying with friends. now i have had the scan which confirms the miscarriage and i feel the worst is over. I am just relieved to know. Is it suddenly going to hit me? does anyone really just "get over it" that quickly?
i've not taken any time off work and just carried on as if everything is normal. has anyone else felt like this? maybe i've already done my grieving?

OP posts:
Original poster
silvermum · 15/07/2008 19:21

oops, i've double posted this - no idea how i managed that. sorry.

OP posts:
ThePettyandIllinformedGoat · 15/07/2008 19:29

maybe maybe not. i mc under almost identical circumstances, was staying with dh's sister so couldn't really react. i went back to work but then i had a melt down and took a few weeks off.

take care of yourself

cocolepew · 15/07/2008 19:30

I felt like this with my 2nd and 3rd MC, I think it was because I had DD1. Take care.

cocolepew · 15/07/2008 19:30

I felt like this with my 2nd and 3rd MC, I think it was because I had DD1. Take care.

belgo · 15/07/2008 19:34

I felt similar after miscarrying. Devastated the day it happened, then numb for a couple of weeks. It did hit me though, at some point, in particular when I got my periods back. I think it was hormonal - for the weeks I felt numb, I still had pregnancy hormones in my system and I would wake up subconciously thinking I was still pregnant.

I don't know if you ever really totally get over it, and it is very possible that it will 'hit you' when you hormones get back to normal.

Look after yourself.

Original poster
silvermum · 15/07/2008 19:56

thanks everyone, there is no doubt that for me it is much easier because i already have a child. sending huge hugs to others going through m/cs who don't have that comfort.

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BecauseImWorthIt · 15/07/2008 20:01

I had a missed miscarriage after ds1. Baby died at about 5 weeks, they thought, but wasn't picked up until my 12 week neuchal fold scan.

It was a huge shock, and I had to have a D&C, which wasn't very pleasant (allergic to GA), and I cried a lot at the time (especially as DH was away skiing at the time), but once the operation was over and I had recuperated, that was it. I never feel that I have really grieved.

However, I went on to become pregnant and have a successful pregnancy with ds2, only 3 months later, so perhaps that helped?

I think with death and grieving that we are all different and experience it in different ways. Don't beat yourself up about how you're feeling - there's no one way you're 'supposed' to do it - just acknowledge how you feel from one day to the next.

Oh, and be kind to DH - people often seem to think that it's only mums who cry/grieve. It's the only time in the 22 years we've been together that my DH has cried.

Original poster
silvermum · 15/07/2008 20:34

i can't imagine the shock of finding out at 12 weeks, becausei'mworthit - how abs awful for you. so pleased to hear that you went on to have a successful pregnancy so quickly. thanks for your thoughts.

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Aniyan · 15/07/2008 21:21

becauseimworthit - a very similar thing happened to me 2 weeks ago - except I started bleeding on the day before my 12 week nuchal scan, and the scan next day confirmed that the baby had died at about 5-6 weeks.

As I'd already started bleeding we just let things take their natural course, and it wasn't physically too bad - just about stopped bleeding now & fingers crossed it's all over.

Silvermum - I too have felt quite calm and okay about it apart from the first day or two which were very scary & very tearful (also my first mc). I took about 10 days off work & just had a very quiet time, taking things easy, even though I felt okay. I also have a ds already who's 8, so can count my blessings and be hopeful that, as we have one lovely boy, and we now know that we CAN still get pregnant, things may be fine next time.

Just go with your feelings and don't feel bad about any of them - as others have said here, there's no 'right' way to feel. Hope you feel better soon.

worrybum · 15/07/2008 21:35

Silvermum there is no right or wrong way to feel about miscarrying. Every woman is different and I felt differently with each of mine. The numbness, upset, anger all came at different stages. What is important is that you don't feel any guilt about the way you are feeling. Make sue you have the right support around you including people that you can talk to should you feel the need to and take as much time out for yourself as you should need. Mumsnet has been a great support for me and i also found talking to a volunteer at the miscarriage association helpful. Take care x

lanismum · 15/07/2008 22:02

I'm having a mc at the min, (started last night) and i'm also feeling quite calm, not at all how I imagined I would feel? I feel like I should be more upset than I am, but it really was very early and I never saw the heartbeat, but I am expecting it to hit me in a few days......one particularly cruel thing for me is that my best friend fell preg the same month as me and we had the same due date

belgo · 16/07/2008 08:44

That's so sad Lanismum, it's very hard when a friend is pregnant when you are miscarrying. A friend of mine did a huge champagne announcement of her pregnancy just two weeks after I'd miscarried (she hadn't known about my pregnancy or miscarriage), and that's when it really hit me and dh.

lanismum · 16/07/2008 10:16

I know I also have a close family member, and 2 other friends who are also pregnant, I am hoping that my best friends still tells me all her news of scans ect, as I am still very excited about her pregnancy, I hope she doesnt feel uncomfortable.........I am hoping to be pregnant again very soon so hopefully we might still be pregnancy buddies

munchiesmama · 16/07/2008 10:34

Hi Silvermum,

I too am in the same position as you at the minute. I was just 7 weeks and started to bleed, I have one DD and just didnt expect something like this to happen. The EPU cant discharge me yet as my hormone levels arent dropping (and my womb is empty)so they are monitoring me for an ectopic pregnancy. I just want this to be over....

I am suprised that i am holding it together quite well at the minute, but I havent told my mum yet as she is on holiday. She will be back in just over a week, i think when i tell her i will fall apart.

Thinking of you xx

Original poster
silvermum · 18/07/2008 14:23

munchiesmama, how are you doing? i'm actually fine. not fallen apart! (yet?)
people have been very kind and supportive, and physically, it's not been too bad - i'm just very tired. but i feel positive. i'd really like to hear how you're getting on and how you coped telling your mum.
mine was very sympathetic and lovely, but she hadn't known about the pregnancy.

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munchiesmama · 18/07/2008 16:55

Hi Silvermum glad to hear u r coping well I have been wondering how u were doing. I have been a bit up and down. Mum isnt back until next Friday so I still havent told her, she was asking on email did i have any morning sickness yet .

Anyway i suppose nothing i do can change what has happened so i should just be grateful that i have one lovely DD , and pray that this never happens again.

Do u think u will try again soon?

Original poster
silvermum · 20/07/2008 21:13

yes, i think we will try this month. apparently the recommendation to wait until after your next period is just to help with dating etc and there's no other reason to wait.
how about you?
i really feel fine now, though what happened is on my mind quite a bit. it was this time last week and i keep thinking, 'thank goodness it's not this time last week' etc. the bleeding stopped yesterday and this morning i went for a little jog which made me feel like normality was returning as i like exercising and haven't been doing any since the whole thing started ten days ago.
how old is your DD?
i really hope this doesn't happen to us a second time....

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wickedwitchofwestburymount · 21/07/2008 06:38

I am really sorry for everyones losses, like I have said in another post I miscarried on Friday at 11 weeks. It was my first micarriage and it was the worst experience that I have ever gone through (see my post in any one had a miscarriage and want to get it off their chest...).

I had a bad time of when it was happening... I was screaming, crying and throwing up all over the place. But once at the hospital I never cried once and the hospital did find this weird I think and kept putting it down to the shock of what had actually happened. Now I am in alot of pain and tears run down my face every now and then but I am not crying as such, if that makes sense?? I think the two boys that I already have have helped me alot because there are just some things that they do and say you just cant help laughing and laughing help, even if the first few times you feel guilty for it... I know I did.

I think like the other have said that you are allowed to feel however you feel because there is no right or wrong way of feeling in times like this. I have heard that trying for another baby straight away also helps, because it gives you something to focus on and think about. I dont know what to do about trying again, dont want to go through what I have gone through again but boyf wants to start straight away... suppose I am just scared eh??

Take care everyone xx

mcfc67 · 22/07/2008 09:11

I started with brown discharge which got heavier and resulted in having a miscarriage,I did have an internal scan which originally showed twin sacs then went for another scan a week later and they told me there was no pregnancy there now, however after another week I have sore boobs and am being sick in the mornings, do you think I could still be pregnant

wickedwitchofwestburymount · 22/07/2008 09:33

I have been told to do another pregnancy test in a few weeks to make sure that the test reads negative and if it doesnt I have to go back to the early pregnancy unit. Were you told to do this?? When did you have your miscarriage?? It maybe just your hormone levels have not gone back to normal.

Take care and let us know xx

mcfc67 · 22/07/2008 14:23

no they never said that, I think because they gave me an internal scan they said there was no pregnancy there, maybe I am in denial but keep thinking that maybe one of the babies may still be there

wickedwitchofwestburymount · 22/07/2008 14:38

I had a D&C and a scan, but they still gave me a pregnancy test and told me to use it in a few weeks. Maybe you should give your early pregnancy unit a ring and ask their advice. xx

mcfc67 · 22/07/2008 14:47

will do a test at the end of the week, it will be 2 weeks on Thursday since the miscarriage to see what it shows, I feel reaaly strange as I have had 3 children previously and never had a miscarriage

wickedwitchofwestburymount · 22/07/2008 14:54

I've two boys and never had a miscarriage until last Friday, so I know what you mean. The thought of a miscarriage never even crossed my mind because of the morning sickness I was suffering from. They say morning sickness is a good sign of a strong pregnancy so just thought that everything was going to be ok.

Obviously next time (if there is a next time) I will not be thinking anything of the kind and will be playing my cards very close to my chest.

mcfc67 · 22/07/2008 15:20

yes me too, my partner has no children so it makes it even harder, think he is hurting more than me, I too had morning sickness which did stop at weekend for a couple of days but started being sick again for the last 2 mornings, dont know whether I'm coming or going, thank you so much for the chat, havnt had anyone else to talk to. xx