Father-in-law turned up during my miscarriage after being asked not to

[Maise24]

Trigger warning - traumatic miscarriage

I am hoping for some outside perspective on a situation with my father in law, who is quite an eccentric chap who is quite intense but we have a good relationship and he is very loving to the grandkids if a bit insensitive and over bearing to me.

We found out 3 weeks ago (on my birthday) that we had lost our baby at 12 weeks pregnant, we had been due to have some family over but I contacted him to explain that we were having a miscarriage and wished to be left to process this privately and would rearrange the family occasion. He asked if he could still come to help and I said kindly but firmly that I needed to be alone and the miscarriage process had been medically induced that day so wished to be alone with my partner to deal with this, which he said he understood. Fast forward 2 hours later I am in agony and bleeding uncontrollably, and who turns up unannounced at the door - FIL saying he felt he should still come. He lives a 2 hour drive away. My partner told him in no uncertain terms he had been asked not to come and should go home and we then went to the hospital. FiL then invited himself to my dads house where our children were staying and imposed on them talking about the miscarriage.

I text him the following day saying in a kind tone that I understood he wanted to help however I had clearly set a boundary that I did not want any visitors and felt he had crossed a line turning up unannounced after I had asked him not too while I was miscarrying which felt very intrusive. He didnt reply to my message and has now not spoken to us for 2 weeks, is unaware that I was hospitalised due to haemorraging, developing sepsis and needing surgery. My partner text him today to say baby was being cremated today and that I had been discharged from hospital - he replied saying 'condolences' but hasn't contacted me at all. I feel really hurt by this and still feel he really deeply violated my boundaries by turning up unannounced despite my clear ask to be left alone to miscarry without guests. I honestly dont know how I can see him again and he has already told my partner he doesnt feel he has done anything wrong and said he isnt apologising for his paternal instinct to help

Am I being unreasonable or would others find this deeply upsetting??

You are so far from being unreasonable that you're not on the same planet as unreasonability.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

And I'd be livid that he spoke to your children about it. That's for you and your husband to decide how to do.

He’s a giant idiot. I’m so sorry for all you are going through.

This is actually enough to make me go NC. Sorry OP you didn’t deserve that 💖

He sounds quite far beyond overbearing. It’s totally weird and intrusive behaviour to turn up when asked not to when you were in such a bad state. And then when told to go home went to speak to your kids about it ? wtf???

He was determined to go ahead with his day away at yours regardless. To dress this up as paternal help is insane. You know it and he does deep down. Leave him to stew if he wants to and try not to dwell on it yourself as you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Sorry for what you’ve been through.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, it sounds like you've had an awful time and absolutely didn't need the addition of this idiot to deal with. I would keep my distance for a while and see how you feel as to whether or not you can forgive this. Just ask your DH not to mention him or have him round for the foreseeable.

I'm so sorry for your loss - sending you many sympathies 💐

Of course you're not being unreasonable - his behaviour is so completely unacceptable that it's impossible to even try and understand. On top of the grief you're feeling, you and your dh have to try and deal with this on top of everything else. It's beyond awful, I'm not sure sure how you move past this.

YANBU at all, OP. I am so sorry about your baby and all you went through.

Your FIL sounds completely lacking in empathy and totally oblivious to social norms. What help did he think he could possibly offer? None. Even if he believes he did nothing wrong, after learning the impact his actions had on you and his son, he should apologise. He should also apologise for then inviting himself to your father's house and discussing your miscarriage with your children. I think @Georgiapeach21 is right and this is one instance where 'no contact' is warranted.

Yanbu

Give yourself a break and let DH handle all communication with FIL. If he realises his mistake then it might be possible to slowly reconnect in a year or so. But give it all time and give yourself space to process and recover

im sorry for your loss

I am absolutely livid on your behalf OP. Apologies if this is an insensitive comparison but when I was due to have my fourth baby at home, my Dad kept turning up unannounced at my house. I told him repeatedly not to incase I was, you know, giving birth but he kept saying he wouldn’t mind, he could help with the kids etc….I genuinely think (some) men of this generation have absolutely no concept of what actually happens during these processes and how vulnerable and not in need of an audience we are. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Thank you all so much for your replies, it is helpful to hear that everyone else also feels it is totally mad behaviour as ive had a couple of 'oh, he was just worried and wanted to help' comments from some family members and its made me wonder if I am over reacting. Honestly though - if any woman told me they were miscarrying and asked me not to come and said they needed to be alone with their partner - the LAST THING IN THE WORLD that I would do would be to turn up at their house unannounced. After I text him explaining why I was upset, if he had replied and apologised, said he was thinking of us, sent flowers - anything- I think i could have moved past it but hes totally ignored my message and hasn't been in contact for 2 weeks and im not sure I can forgive him. Ive said to DH I won't stop him having a relationship with the children but I cant see myself having contact with him again.

That’s such a horrific experience. Leave him to stew. He’s no longer your problem and I suggest that any further contact should be between your DH and his father.

I’m so, so sorry for what you’ve been through. It didn’t need him to add to the misery. Much love.

Having experienced several miscarriages myself, the furthest along being 9 weeks, I absolutely would not want an audience for what went though. With the 9 weeks, I was in agony, bled through my pads/pyjamas all over the bed, had a very horrible moment in the toilet realising I’d just passed the pregnancy, absolutely breaking down with guilt for then flushing the toilet and sobbing into my partner’s arms… I didn’t even want my partner in the same room as me when I was cramping because I was in so much pain I couldn’t stay still. I would have been absolutely mortified if his dad turned up, hell even if one of my own family turned up. You are NOT being unreasonable, and your FIL needs to wind his neck in and stop expecting an apology from you for asking him to keep his distance. He also had NO right to go and speak to your dad and kids about it; how dare he.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Can DH phone his father and ask ‘dad, what was that about?’

Sounds like they need to talk

Horrendous behaviour from him. I hope your DH is being very supportive and manages all contact with him going forward.

If I was your DH I'd be emphasising how traumatic it was for both of you and how disappointed we are that he inserted himself into the situation at such a vulnerable moment.

OP, I’m sorry to say that your FIL is an insensitive, intrusive pillock. I can’t believe that other family members are minimising this saying he “just wanted to help” - doing what, exactly? Your FIL is totally out of order, and it would be a very long time before I could even look at him again, much less speak to him. As for,going to your father’s house - just how rude and self-centred is he? OP, you are totally justified in going NC - that your FIL doesn’t even think he’s done anything wrong just shows how utterly out of touch he is, when his own son told him he wasn’t wanted. I’m very sorry you had to go through all this at was was already a horribly difficult time.

In this situation I would do absolutely nothing - drop the rope entirely. Your DH can manage his own relationship with him however he chooses, but you don’t need to deal with him at all. If he has a sudden epiphany, understands how much he fucked up and wants to give a genuine apology - with a clear undertaking to listen and respect boundaries in future - then it’s up to you how you respond, but it’s not that likely he will have that level of insight at this stage.

What an insensitive, absolutely selfish FIL do you have, OP.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Wishing you a smooth recovery!

He could be embarrassed as well as sulking, stubborn fool. Either way, not your issue. You were right to say what you did, sounds like he has no off-switch and that's hard when going through what you've gone through.

Sending hugs, bloody great big ones and really am sorry you've had a really rough ride of it. Let your FIL do his thing and just concentrate on you and your immediate family unit.

His behaviour is so unreasonable and downright bizarre I would genuinely worry about cognitive decline.

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, it sounds horrendous.

Love to know how he justified it to himself . I gather there is no MIL to tell him to not be such a stupid moron . Just can't comprehend what he thought he could achieve . But let your DH deal with his own father .

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. He massively overstepped and when he didn’t get what he wanted took it a step further to your dads.
I’m so sorry for your loss xx

If anyone did this except the woman who raised me, I’d be scratching “you selfish cunt” in their car paint once I was recovered, so I think you’re being very, VERY reasonable and actually quite kind to accept that he’s “eccentric” and not go NC over this. He can still be grandfather to your children and father to your partner, even if you’re personally low contact going forward.

And yes, it is absolutely beyond the pale that he then went to YOUR father’s house to “discuss” the miscarriage - what in the actual fuck. It’s not a fucking planning permission application to the council, open for public comment! It’s a deeply, deeply personal tragedy! I’m floored that he can’t see how inappropriate all his actions were. Being intrusive and gossiping are not part of “paternalistic instinct.” He can fuck off.

He sounds horrendous. Your DH needs to address this.

Sorry for your loss OP 💐