Father-in-law turned up during my miscarriage after being asked not to

[Maise24]

Trigger warning - traumatic miscarriage

I am hoping for some outside perspective on a situation with my father in law, who is quite an eccentric chap who is quite intense but we have a good relationship and he is very loving to the grandkids if a bit insensitive and over bearing to me.

We found out 3 weeks ago (on my birthday) that we had lost our baby at 12 weeks pregnant, we had been due to have some family over but I contacted him to explain that we were having a miscarriage and wished to be left to process this privately and would rearrange the family occasion. He asked if he could still come to help and I said kindly but firmly that I needed to be alone and the miscarriage process had been medically induced that day so wished to be alone with my partner to deal with this, which he said he understood. Fast forward 2 hours later I am in agony and bleeding uncontrollably, and who turns up unannounced at the door - FIL saying he felt he should still come. He lives a 2 hour drive away. My partner told him in no uncertain terms he had been asked not to come and should go home and we then went to the hospital. FiL then invited himself to my dads house where our children were staying and imposed on them talking about the miscarriage.

I text him the following day saying in a kind tone that I understood he wanted to help however I had clearly set a boundary that I did not want any visitors and felt he had crossed a line turning up unannounced after I had asked him not too while I was miscarrying which felt very intrusive. He didnt reply to my message and has now not spoken to us for 2 weeks, is unaware that I was hospitalised due to haemorraging, developing sepsis and needing surgery. My partner text him today to say baby was being cremated today and that I had been discharged from hospital - he replied saying 'condolences' but hasn't contacted me at all. I feel really hurt by this and still feel he really deeply violated my boundaries by turning up unannounced despite my clear ask to be left alone to miscarry without guests. I honestly dont know how I can see him again and he has already told my partner he doesnt feel he has done anything wrong and said he isnt apologising for his paternal instinct to help

Am I being unreasonable or would others find this deeply upsetting??

I'm so sorry you had to go through that @Maise24. I had a MMC at 12 weeks and can understand the heartbreak and physical pain well. I hope you're doing a bit better now 💐

Having your FIL intrude at such a vulnerable time is unthinkable, and even worse when he was specifically told not to. I'd definitely have gone NC for a while afterwards, to enforce space after he behaved like that. What does your partner think of his behaviour?

My unstable mother did this. And took it as an opportunity to get roaring drunk in my house... Was twenty years ago & I've never really forgiven her. some people are misfortune vampires, or seriously overestimate how "helpful" their presence is, or think of personal problems as interesting drama they want a part of. I'm so sorry this happened when you had quite enough to deal with. You were clear and kind in your communication, he is 100% wrong. I do think your husband ought to speak to him and whether he does or not you have no obligation whatsoever to see him anymore and every right to expect an apology.

God that's awful. My daughter had a missed miscarriage with twins 7 weeks ago. I was heartbroken but very much left it up to her when she wanted to see me which was a couple of days later.
Hope you're getting on ok OP. my daughter had a d&c after a week and had her first period yesterday which she says has really helped her recovery. Look after yourself

I would be livid that he turned up but I do actually think you could excuse that in the right circumstances. If he really did want to help, turned up with food and offers to take the kids out for you or something actually useful, and you could tell he really wanted to help but thought you were being polite, then I’d forgive it.

however that’s not what happened, instead of coming with practical help he just turned up. And instead of apologising when turned away he went to your dads and spoke to your children about miscarriage. And then when spoken to again he stopped speaking to you, stopped offering any emotional or physical support and made this whole thing even more stressful and negative, because now he’s sulking because he feels wronged, instead of prioritising that ‘parental responsibility’ that’s apparently so strong he couldnt help but turn up. That’s how you know it was never really about being supportive.

sorry you’re going through this op and I’m sorry for your loss.
Tbh I would park it for now and grieve, don’t contact him and then address it in a few weeks or months if you want to.

You aren't unreasonable at all and this whole incident sounds really upsetting.

If you have any hope for salvaging this relationship in the longer term I think that you need to be very careful about what information you give your FIL. His judgement sounds really poor, he should have known better than to share that information with your children before you and DH. I wouldn't tell him anything that either makes you feel vulnerable or that would be inappropriate for him to share with others.

Unsurprisingly, MIL left him many moons ago and doesnt have any contact with him. Hes been alone since which I don't think helps as he doesn't have anyone to try to contain his ridiculous behaviour!

Thanks everyone also for your well wishes, it has been an absolutely devastating time emotionally and physically, only made worse by this lingering situation with FIL which I feel so hurt by. He knows we had a ceremony to cremated baby today and couldn't find it in himself to even contact me

I need to park it and concentrate on healing and processing my grief, which is quite an overwhelming feat with 2 little children to care for. Thanks for your kind words mums xxx