How long did you grieve your miscarriage?

[Featherlemon]

Looking for a bit of a handhold and any advice… I was 10 weeks pregnant with my first pregnancy on Christmas Eve when I found out baby had no heartbeat 💔 D&C scheduled for tomorrow but I naturally miscarried at home over the last 24 hours. I am still in shock. My husband and I cancelled all our Christmas plans (told most people we had the flu) and took the space we needed to grieve hard. I have been crying, but also feeling ok (maybe numb). I was so excited for a baby in July. Does anyone have any advice about dealing with the grief (and the inevitable announcements from friends etc) in the coming days and weeks? And how long before you felt ‘yourself’ again? I feel like I will be changed forever by this. Thank you x

You will be changed forever, and don't expect not to be. You don't get away with a loss this big so be kind to yourself and your partner. You'll likely be snappier than you want with each other as you won't have enough emotional reserve to deal with plates left on the side or shoes not put away. Just take a breath before you both say anything and ask if it's a big deal or just an outlet for your understandable pain. Physically you'll be ok in a few weeks; mentally it really varies. Expect it to come in waves; you might be fine for a few weeks and then have a few really dark days. When you're ready, if you choose to, I hope your rainbow baby comes quickly x

I am sorry for your loss
You won't get over it but you will get around it, I am 22 years in.
Be kind to yourself, try not to get offended about the awful things people will probably say while trying to comfort you and do whatever feels right and to your own timescales

I’m so so sorry for your loss. It’s something that will stay with you for a long time. I miscarried in October after a fall and the grief still hits me suddenly sometimes, and I think about it every single day. Exactly like you, excited of what was to come and even the baby’s birth month.
Please talk to people. Friends, family, co-workers, anyone. If they ask, and you feel comfortable about it, say the truth. I found it so helpful personally, and many other women when opening up to me saying they had gone through it and empathised.
It’ll be like a stone you’ll carry with you forever, initially it’s heavy but as time goes on it gets lighter, but it’s still there.
Thinking of you and your husband 🤍

im so sorry for your loss

it’s been years now since mine (6 losses in total) I don’t grieve them anymore per se - once the anniversaries went by like due date, anniversary of loss etc - maybe it’s because I had so many that If I allowed myself to think on them all I don’t think I could function x

I feel for you and I’m sorry for your loss 💔

After my first missed miscarriage I’d say one year of crying every day and night. Then the grief turned to hopelessness as it took 2 and a half years to conceive my child, mixed in with grief around key dates and seeing other children.

Honestly I would say until I had my child I was totally broken and my child was the only thing that fixed it. I don’t know if being able to conceive a child before the one year mark would have put an end to my grief.

Currently on my third MMC now and have a D&C scheduled for tomorrow.

It’s truly awful, I had a miscarriage in 2012 and I wouldn’t even now say I’m completely ‘over’ it.

However, you do learn to live with it, and I had a completely normal pregnancy resulting in my amazing DD since. I found the remainder of what would have been the pregnancy and then the month of what should have been the birth really difficult. In fact I couldn’t bring myself to TTC at all during that period. But, I was then pregnant with DD soon afterwards and she’s now 12 and fantastic!

Be kind to yourself, you’ll be ok, and hopefully you’ll go on to have a successful pregnancy in the future.

It’s different for every one of course.

Like the pp I’ve had multiple miscarriages but stopped remembering dates as it was just too difficult a reminder.
Now, some years on, I am reminded by conversations, threads like this and in my quiet moments. A song will choke me up, even now.

A traumatic experience like that will never end I don’t believe.
Earl days are of course extremely painful, as time goes on it fades. Well, I has for me.

But I won’t forget my losses.
I would not now have my precious children had that not happened though. So I have that to be forever thankful for.

Had three losses this year. 2 back to back. Last one was in October and the furthest along. I’ve cried most days since the. And had to take a week off work.

I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks 30 years ago. I was home alone when it happened so had no medical assistance. The physical aspects were horrific and heartbreaking and I was later admitted to hospital due to bleeding and pain.

I honestly though I’d be ok in a few weeks - but I was devastated for a very long time (years), even though I had another baby a year later.

Even all this time later, it can still be very upsetting to think about. It’s definitely one of the hardest things I’ve been through.

I’m sorry for your loss, OP.

Had one January 2022. 12 weeks old. Was fine at 10 weeks.( regular scans due to fibroids).

I went on to have my son in December 2022.

I never had the chance to grieve my dead child. Too much has been happening. When i have to the emotional space, I will.
For now I can’t. It feels disrespectful for me to grieve haphazardly for him.

Take you time. There is no rush.

I had several miscarriages after I was 35, which I was half expecting because of my age. I don’t know if I’m unusual but I deliberately didn’t record any of the dates as I didn’t want yearly reminders. I also found it helpful to not imagine what their lives might have been like. Many years on I’m glad I did both of these things. Of course I did grieve for a while, but I think it took roughly 9 months to ‘get over’ each miscarriage, and I rarely think about them now.
Having said all that, having a miscarriage is a very big thing, and it’s just not fair that it happens. Take care of yourself.

Just want to wish you comfort ❤️ its so hard

I had a very similar experience to you last year - should have been 10 weeks pregnant mid December, went for a scan after experiencing light bleeding and cramps and was told the baby was only measuring 6 weeks and had no heartbeat. I had an MVA 2 days before Christmas and similar to you we also ended up cancelling Christmas last year as just couldn’t face it.

I have found certain milestones hard like the due date in July and this Christmas was also hard at times. I would echo what others have said - you will probably never get over it but you learn to live with it. Take care of yourself and each other at this time ❤️

I’m so sorry OP. It still hits me sometimes. I was “lucky” because I already had a child to take my mind off. I miscarried twice (6 weeks and 11 weeks), between having my first and second children. It is true what they say about grief, it doesn’t go away but it does get easier.

Very sorry to all on this thread , and you too OP💐

To present a different perspective, I had a MMC at 8 weeks pregnant a couple of years ago, and it didn't change me or have any sort of negative impact on me. I don't think about it and I would say I was my normal self again after a couple of weeks.

It was a much wanted and tried for pregnancy, but I didn't see it as my child, and I felt that it was never meant to be.

What perhaps helped a great deal was that I already had a living child, and was able to go on and TTC straight away (although it took several years to fall pregnant again).

We're all very different and there is no wrong or right way to grieve. Go at your own pace x

I’m so sorry this has happened to you.
I think it totally varies from person to person. I had a loss at 10 weeks and was very very sad but I “got over” it over the coming weeks. I still think about it every now and then but I already had two children at home so I think that definitely helped me cope, I knew I was already lucky. I

So so sorry OP, what awful timing 😥
My heart goes out to you as we miscarried triplets the day before our wedding, so I know how hard it is going through that at a time which is supposed to be positive and special.

I am guessing this is your first baby? Ours was too and to be honest I think the grief only went when we became pregnant again with our rainbow baby afew months later.
It was a real shock as we didn't realise a missed miscarriage was even a thing, and how physically and mentally traumatic it could be.

Be kind to yourself and take as long as you need to grieve, which is different for everyone.

I think it’s really dependent and no one answer is right.

I have had two one before each successful pregnancy, the first was hard but I was lucky that I fell pregnant again son after that became my first child and as a result I didn’t think about it much. The second one again I fell pregnant very quickly and didn’t think much of it. It’s not nice but o would say I was lucky with how it worked with getting my children after.

You need to do what you need for you and that is personal.

The initial paralysing shock passed in about a week and I went back to work after 2, because I couldn't see how sitting around at home brooding would help.

However, a close colleague did tell me it was like working with a zombie for a while... :s

Over 4 years on (and with a 3 year old child from a subsequent pregnancy) it's more of a gentle sadness, but the gried is still there. I still have the positive pregnancy test and the scan picture of the embryo that I was able to keep tucked away, because I can't bring myself to pretend that it never happened and part with them.

I binned the pregnancy test for my daughter years ago!

Grief is different for everyone though, there are no rules.

With telling people and dealing with that: I'd not been able to hide my pregnancy from colleagues as the morning sickness had been pretty evident. So I sent a mass email explaining the news go everyone that had known, and mentioned that they didn't need to reply or talk to me about it. Some people interpreted that as thay I didn't want them too, others sent me kind messages of support, or some of their own stories about loosing a pregnancy.

Some people will say tactless things, but what was interesting to me was just how many people are carrying around this particular grief. It made me feel less alone it in.

With family, I just got it out there. Texts can be easier than phone calls.

I never forgot mine, but it helped for me enormously to have a baby almost a year later.

I'm so sorry op 💐💓 it's a pain like no other.

It took me a long time to come to terms with - I couldn't think about TTC both physically and mentally for a long time after, but my experience was horrific in terms of the miscarriage happening at work at about 12 weeks. I've had friends with very different experiences.

Then followed the grief of infertility - 2 and a half years.

On a positive, I am currently 19 weeks pregnant, the hospital have been brilliant and although I've been worried I've been well supported.

Also, I found other women - particularly older ones- an incredible source of support. It is so common and it's so good it's being talked about more.

I wish you all the best for your future.

I’m so sorry @Featherlemon and to the rest of you for your losses. Be kind to yourself and just do things as and when you choose.
I was 13 weeks pregnant when I lost mine and within subsequent months I had two close friends baby showers; I was honest about why I couldn’t do it and they were fine. Don’t feel like you need to hide your grief. If I’m really honest, a year later when I got pregnant the mist sort of lifted, until then I really struggled. 13 years on and I still carry it and talk about it.
There is no right or wrong, just whatever is bearable and right for you.

I had a d&c 12 years ago, just before Xmas. So similar to you.
I felt a lot better once the due date passed in July. I just couldn’t move on and wasn’t getting pregnant.

But then I got pregnant at the end of July. Now I always think well I wouldnt have my eldest child if that hadn’t happened to me. Which I obviously can’t imagine!

It was absolutely heart wrenching at the time though. Worst time of my life.

Also you’ll probably be surprised when you tell people how many people tell you it happened to them, that you had no idea about.