Husbands family keep asking when we are having a baby…

[Thirls]

So I had an early miscarriage a few months ago. My husband and I have been trying since the beginning of the year (both 30) and I’ve had tests done - all came back fine thank god. He has his semen analysis booked in October.

His family do not know about the miscarriage and do not know we’ve been trying for a baby, it’s a very personal subject, obviously, and just not something I want to share with them. I don’t need to go into detail, but I have a real hatred towards his brother for many reasons (mainly because he is an a hole). Anyway, his family keep asking us when we are having a baby and it just breaks my heart every time I can’t even find any voice to reply.

I want to be honest at times, as it’ll be easier and hopefully they won’t ask again, but then other times I feel I’m glad they don’t know…it’s a real hard one! I’ve even used ChatGPT to help me with my responses and I’ve used a few! But they’re very insistent and it’s at the point where I’m worried I’ll snap - I’m a very patient person and hate confrontation. What’s the best way to go about this? Do I bite the bullet and say we are having struggles, but then because his brother is getting married I worry he will then think we are trying to take the shine away from him…

To be honest, I would love to just crawl in a hole and not speak to any of them until I eventually get pregnant so I don’t have to answer these questions again! What would you answer back? Xxx

Tell them neither of you want kids. Actually it should be your dh that tells them.

They’ll get off your back.

Its none of their business

@Plantatreetoday thank you, that’s a good idea, just to completely put the convo dead in the water!

I'm all for honesty. They can only be sensitive to your situation if they understand it.

Honesty is the way to go. Generally without rudeness is ideal but I have been known to snap "well I'm TRYING but they all keep dying" at a very rude relative who wouldnt take any more reasonable hints.

Someone clever will have a way to be honest and also shutting the conversation down. I think you can let them know it's not an easy path without going into full details.

It’s bloody annoying when people do this, then the minute you have one, they start asking about number two and then if you have number three, they voice disapproval, why can’t people stay out of your business.

I wouldn’t expect any response to shut them up tbh. Incredible that people do this.

Id be inclined to say ‘did you mean to be so rude’ in true MN style. But it’s possible that ‘never, we don’t want them’ at least is a short response. It might be quite cathartic to list all the shit things about having children, assuming they don’t then shut up and start telling you you should have them.

“Mind your own business.” Repeat every single time until they get the message. Upgrade to “Fuck off and mind your own business” if needed. When someone is being so rude, I would have absolutely no problem being just as rude back. Hold up a mirror.

Tell your husband to tell them all to mind their own business and stop asking such rude insensitive questions.

It's incredibly rude of anyone to ask this. Just respond with: "That's a very personal question, and one we won't be aswering".
On repeat. Without variation.
They'll get bored eventually.

If their question is “when are you going to have a baby”? The answer is…how am I supposed to know that?! It’s not something that can be planned exactly. It’ll happen when it happens, can you please stop asking. Thank you.

you could try being blunt, saying that you’ve been trying and it’s not been successful and you’d appreciate it if people could stop asking about such a personal subject

I'd probably snap, burst into tears and tell them were fucking trying but it isn't going well and them constantly asking is the last thing you need
Hopefully shaming them into shutting up about it

I might say that we don’t like having sex. Because it would show them how ridiculously rude they are being. I like “we don’t want children” too. I told my family about m/c 1 (but not subsequent ones) because it got them off my back.

For me, I found it easier to just tell them

”I’ve had a miscarriage, I don’t want anyone asking about pregnancy thank you”

They were all actually lovely, horrified they hadn’t known and had been upsetting me without realising

Then over the moon when we did announce a pregnancy

It’s entirely up to you though
You could say any of the following
Please stop asking - you have no idea how painful this subject is
That is not a subject we will be discussing
I will not be talking about that
Maybe after I’ve recovered from my miscarriage
Never
That’s a very personal question - I won’t be answering
Why would you ask someone that?

Good luck with your journey 💐

Actually OP if you are close to tears this could be a helpful way to go. It might relieve your feelings and also make them prefer not to ask you again. You know them best, would they be sorry if this happened? Would they butt out?

Your DH should be telling them to stop. I would not be explaining anything to them, they are intrusive and rude.

I had this from certain family members who would constantly ask. "Wouldn't it be lovely if you had a baby" "Your dad really wants to be a grandpa" etc etc. Even at a funeral when I was mourning a close family member they thought that was a suitable time to bring up us having a baby! Some people just have no filter or social awareness and ask even though it's inappropriate.
I did in the end have a baby and I was so relieved it would stop the constant questioning ...but once that baby turned 1 I now get asked "when are you having another one" 🙄

From a PP "Please stop asking, you have no idea how painful this is" is a great line. Shuts them down and alludes to it not being an easy road.

I've always practiced in my head "Oh, we'd rather keep our private business to ourselves". But we are a very private couple, so that works. If you tend to share a lot, it wouldn't.

I agree with @Starzinsky. You don’t have to make a big announcement but your DH having a quiet word with his parents and that you’d prefer not to talk about it is really the only way to shut them up.

My experience in similar circumstances was that when I said we didn’t want children I’d then get “oh but why?” “don’t be so miserable!” etc. etc.

If I said something vague like “maybe one day” I’d get a lecture “well it might not happen straight away!”.

So I think being honest (but saying you don’t want to talk about it) might be the best way.

How comfortable are you with the conversation shifting to, ‘You just need to go on holiday, and it will happen’, or ‘My cousin Gertrude swore by olive oil infusions’, or pitying glances when someone else in the family conceives. If that doesn’t appeal, do not tell them you are trying, just say you don’t want kids and, I would add, don’t ask such personal questions.

Oh I think "when your son successfully impregnates me" would have some virtue. Followed by a cold, hard stare into their eyes.

I had this constantly after my eldest.
At first I'd try and change the subject... Then later I stopped, I literally just said "Susan, I've had 4 miscarriages." Shut them right up, they didn't know where to look! Never asked me again after that.