Im 39, no children and had missed miscarriage in January after iui, measured 9 weeks should have been 12. Took 2 traumatic weeks in and out of hospital to pass the pregnancy. Was given a leaflet describing how deep to dig the hole, or telling me its ok to flush my desperately loved and wanted baby down the toilet.
Partner was supportive although family and friends nowhere to be seen. Work allowed me as much unpaid leave as i wanted, but i didnt hear from anyone during my time off. Lonely just doesnt describe it. When i returned to work nobody mentioned my pregnancy after previously being really excited for me. Absolutely the most distressing experience of my life. Had to replace the toilet seat after those 2 weeks and im so triggered at the sight of my period I installed a bidet.
After my partner returned to work her employer treated her really badly, resulting in her taking them on for constructive dismissal. The months following I've been supporting her emotionally through the work issue, it was a good distraction but it's been difficult for both of us. I work with DV victims so emotionally support others every day and it's exhausting. I supported a young girl I worked with through a termination, she was 14 weeks but kept missing appointments so was 17 weeks when it went ahead. I compartmentalised and remained professional but inside was horrified. My workplace are opening a mother and baby unit which I will be managing alongside my current role. I thought it would be years away but it's actually opening just after my due date.
My 40th birthday was last week, I told my partner not to plan anything as in my head I was supposed to be 35 weeks pregnant on my 40th and im struggling to think of partying etc., She arranged a party anyway inc all the people who haven't been there for me. Luckily illness and weather allowed us to cancel. None of those people inc family made any attempt to meet with me on my birthday or since. Just the odd text.
Since then I've gone downhill. My next cycle starts in a week and we're supposed to start the ivf process. It feels futile due to my age. My due date is 2 weeks after. All I can think about is ending my life.