Due date approaching, struggling

[ElectricWatch]

Im 39, no children and had missed miscarriage in January after iui, measured 9 weeks should have been 12. Took 2 traumatic weeks in and out of hospital to pass the pregnancy. Was given a leaflet describing how deep to dig the hole, or telling me its ok to flush my desperately loved and wanted baby down the toilet.

Partner was supportive although family and friends nowhere to be seen. Work allowed me as much unpaid leave as i wanted, but i didnt hear from anyone during my time off. Lonely just doesnt describe it. When i returned to work nobody mentioned my pregnancy after previously being really excited for me. Absolutely the most distressing experience of my life. Had to replace the toilet seat after those 2 weeks and im so triggered at the sight of my period I installed a bidet.

After my partner returned to work her employer treated her really badly, resulting in her taking them on for constructive dismissal. The months following I've been supporting her emotionally through the work issue, it was a good distraction but it's been difficult for both of us. I work with DV victims so emotionally support others every day and it's exhausting. I supported a young girl I worked with through a termination, she was 14 weeks but kept missing appointments so was 17 weeks when it went ahead. I compartmentalised and remained professional but inside was horrified. My workplace are opening a mother and baby unit which I will be managing alongside my current role. I thought it would be years away but it's actually opening just after my due date.

My 40th birthday was last week, I told my partner not to plan anything as in my head I was supposed to be 35 weeks pregnant on my 40th and im struggling to think of partying etc., She arranged a party anyway inc all the people who haven't been there for me. Luckily illness and weather allowed us to cancel. None of those people inc family made any attempt to meet with me on my birthday or since. Just the odd text.

Since then I've gone downhill. My next cycle starts in a week and we're supposed to start the ivf process. It feels futile due to my age. My due date is 2 weeks after. All I can think about is ending my life.

I’m so sorry for your loss and the lack of support you’ve had in the aftermath. It truly is the club none of us want to find ourselves in.

I also lost my first, and remember the struggle as my due date arrived. For me it was compounded in a different way as I was pregnant with my DD by then, and worst still my due date for her was meant to be the day I lost our first which brought a whole slew of conflicting emotions.

It sounds like you’ve had to internalise a lot of the grief what with your partner’s work issues and your own job which must have been incredibly tough. If you’re not already, I’d definitely look to speak with a therapist before your due date to help you talk through the trauma of your loss and develop some coping mechanisms to help you through as the date approaches. Can you also speak to work and see if a colleague can absorb the mother and baby unit work? I’d like to think they’d understand and do what they can to support you.

@ElectricWatch, I can feel so much sadness and loneliness in your message I felt compelled to reply. Due dates are a horrible reminder of the future we lost, and can trigger so many buried emotions.

If you don’t feel able to reach out in real life, keep talking to us here - you’ve a board of internet strangers who get it <3

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.💐

Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss. And that people you counted as close ot you haven't been supportive. I think it's one of those things that people who haven't been through it often just dont "get". And it's just a bit rubbish. But there are lots of us out there who do and whom you can talk to.

Secondly. It needn't be too late. I am one of several women I know who have conceived after 40, and after MC(s).

Thirdly, having babies is not a zero-sum game. Your client's abortion is entirely separate from your pregnancy and your miscarriage, although it may be triggering for your feelings. You would be no more or less pregnant if she had not terminated her pregnancy. It just holds a different wait for you. And when other women have babies they are not having the baby you might have had.

Be gentle with yourself. Your feelings are still raw and that's understandable. Don't let this grief stop you from trying again if that's what you want.

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. You have a lot going on. I know that feeling of despair after miscarriage, but please reach out for help if you are feeling very low. It’s a tough time but there is still hope. I really hope you feel better soon.

Hi OP. I know what it’s like to feel like your grief is forgotten, so I wanted to reply to your post. Firstly I am so deeply sorry about everything you’ve gone through. Your loss is devastating enough without having a lack of support network and differing challenges in both workplaces, plus a milestone birthday. This is incredibly hard and I appreciate the balance between distraction vs processing and all the stress in between. Firstly, consider if you feel strong enough to advocate for yourself and share with your family and friends just how they’ve made you feel - you might want to try writing it down first/journaling to get some of the anger out. This can be difficult and risk disagreements, but ignoring it may not allow you the closure or resolution that you need and weigh you down significantly. This lack of support mixed with your work colleagues; a lot of people don’t know what to say when situations are so dreadful - it’s not an excuse but may be a huge reason why people have shied away or avoided the topic in fears of hurting you or being triggering. Within all of this it’s hard to remember the fact that you ARE loved and cared for, because you haven’t been made to feel like that. It sounds like the new mother and baby unit at work will be extremely triggering - I’m no HR expert but surely reducing this aspect of your work wherever possible would count as a reasonable adjustment for your mental health. Could you discuss this with your manager as to how much this has affected you with the recent client’s termination and how upcoming M&B unit? I cannot speak from experience as I am going through a medical miscarriage at a younger age than you, but whilst TTC at 40 may feel futile please know it is absolutely possible. You will need to focus on your healing and wellbeing before feeling ready, or take the potential risk of doing this next round of IVF and the challenges that may pose to you, your relationship and existing support network. I’m wishing you all the very best and sending so much love.

OP one last thing, the world is better with you in it. Please speak to your GP and/or IAPT to get the support you need. Your life has purpose and potential. Take care of yourself, you deserve to

@ElectricWatch I wanted to post this to say I resonate so much with a lot of your post. We have been through multiple rounds of IUI and IVF has a MC in Jan and have tried once more since, but not successful. It hit my really hard and I blamed myself a lot. My wife has been supportive, but equally is trying to cope herself. We have one embryo left to try and I must say I don’t hold much hope as I am now 41. That said I wanted to add to you, I started counselling and it has helped, finding the right person is important, but I really connected with her. It’s sometimes really useful to have that outside person where you can just go and say anything.
stay in there, slow and steady :)