Anyone else miscarrying now?

[girlfromipanema]

Have been miscarrying since yesterday but it's been threatening since the week-end. Have lots of support but it is lonely isn't it? Any company would be very welcome....

[girlfromipanema]

feel the same dramaqn, feel beyond negative.
but did sleep for 3.5 hours this afternoon which was so good and I think the rest helped the whole business move forward a bit. my body just seemed to say yes, you should be here in bed.
take care too, hope something nice happens soon even if it's small. thinking of you tonight.

[dramaqueen72]

oh sleep would be nice....i just wouldnt ever get that long. and i too feel my body saying 'hey, we need rest' maybe tomorrow, when everyone is at work or school, and youngest dd naps....fingers crossed than.
i tell you this waiting is AWFUL! i wish i could even begin to move on abit. i am half convinced its all a mistake and they will see a heartbeat wednesday. yet in my heart of hearts i know this cannot really be, and i will crumple with disappointment on wednesday. i just want.....saving from the here and now, you know? its such an awful place to be in.
i feel awful because my sister tried hard to 'reach out' ot me and talk about it and i shut down. i dont want to talk about it to anyone who wont understand. and i dont mean that horribly. just you know, explaining how and why a missed m/c works/what i have to do/etc is tiring and awful.
i asked dh if we could go away in feb half term, but alas no, not enough money to do that and our summer vacations too. i just fancied a change, to lift my mood, it didnt have to be miles and miles away. oh well, if we cant we cant. i think i just need a good positive thing to focus on. something not to far away.
i am certainly addicted to coming here where i have something -even if its not nice- in common with you. keeps me sane when the rest of the world is busy 'moving on'

[girlfromipanema]

dramaqn, so happy to see your msg, I feel like we're going through grim woods at the same time and hearing from you is like stopping for hot chocolate at a tiny bright cafe for company before the next scary bit alone, it makes it easier, thanks. I've actually been putting on quite a big positive act with those around me "wasn't meant to be" etc - which I don't feel runs very deep, it's like I'm trying to tell people what they want to hear. It's happenend automatically but it's leaving me wilting inside..
I was amazed how I felt after that big sleep, I would love to know if you could get as much out of some extra sleep as I did. I'm still in pain (but taking painkillers which helps a bit) but I woke up and it was really odd it's as if I felt the process had speeded up and somehow I felt another burst of the odd kind of emotional stamina we need for this process, I can't imagine how little I'd have with a big family like yours. But I had more after a nap, like a tank had been filled a little bit. I really noticed waiting for the ultrasound that I had an amount of emotional tolerance and it just ran out after about 40 mins and the happy pregnant woman finally wiped me out!
re your dd, can anyone have her for an hour or so? I'm really hoping one of my 2 friends might volunteer tomorrow for a play date for ds, yesterday was such a blur I can't remember if they offered or not! So annoyed I can't remember and feel hugely loath to call... Wish you a good rest tonight and thinking of you and anyone else who's here or been here.

[Spacecadet]

Dm could you and your dh not go away for a long weekend, rather than a week?, Girl, after my horrendous experiences in hospital, when I finally started nursing I promised myself that I would always see people as a whole person, not just a collection of symptons and always remind myself that my patients are human beings with thoughts and feelings.

[dramaqueen72]

my inlaws (who live very close-like too close) have gone away for 10days. my parents live about 50mins away....so no no-one really. shes a sweetpea tho my youngest and will nap tomorrow for a good hour or so. fingers crossed it doesnt colide with the school run!
girl- where abouts are you? i'm right on the south coast (southampton)i was just wondering where you were. i too find great comfort from your messages. maybe we will go on to be some of those fat happy pg ladies together too.
space i hope my nurse is like you then, and takes care of me next week. i'm a total wimp in hospitals. last time had fantastic huge black lady (and i dont mean to be racist there at all) who mothered me wonderfully. i really wanted to take her home! she was brilliant, noticing straight away i was shaky wreck, and comforting me and making extra efforts for me. bless.
space - a weekends a thought, lucky as i am with my big herd tho, it does cost a fair bit to take us all everywhere. my inlaws have a house (2 actually!)in portugal. i could do with an offer to go there, expenses paid. dont suppose that will happen but hey....
oh girl i meant to say i also seem to feed people just what they want to hear. like twice today i have said 'oh fine' to 'how are you'. i just suppose they dont actually want me to say 'absolutely f*king sht, lower than i have ever been, and desperately sad' so i say 'fine' duh! i have ot tell a friend tomorrow, who was due over on tuesday, (we dont get together often) that i am cancelling and why.....heaven knows how i'll start the conversation. but i have decided shopping and chitchat DONT cheer me up right now. maybe wallowing is bad for me, but its all i can cope with right now.
feel i have got past the crying (til wednesday...) and am at the distant cold stage, witha lot of anger underneath. if i'm not divorced by the end of the week..well my dh must have turned into a saint.
love to everyone and good night.
may tomorrow rush by us...
bella i am wondering about you too...the august thread must be quiet without us all! hope youre well.

[Bella23]

Dramaqueen and GFP - totally feel the same about hearing from you both. It really does help to hear that you both know what I am going through.
We went away for the weekend to a nice hotel which has really helped. I just ended up sleeping loads and ordering room service. A change of scene just meant that I could gather my thoughts. I would really recommend it if you could find the time.
Physically I have really recovered after my ERPC - still bleeding a little but nothing major. I just wanted to tell you both so that hopefully you can take some reassurance that all will be ok if you both have to have the procedure done.
I am planning to keep myself very busy for the next couple of weeks as when my mind has any free time it tends to drive me nuts with awful thoughts! Am planning to keep all social events to a minimum though as agree that I have also lots the art of small talk - just can't do it!
Well must try and do some work now as otherwise I shall just be on here all day. Big hugs to both of you ladies, my thoughts are with both of you

[girlfromipanema]

Dramaqn great to hear from you and you sound really strong, did you get a 30 second nap or a long sleep last night? I had a good eight or nine hours which is great still shattered though! Am on my own now for a couple of hours this pm which I'm hating. My m is out until 4ish, being on my own with ds is not ideal, I just keep thinking about what happenend and feeling blue. How is time passing for you today? Good to hear what people say is annoying you too -I've just snapped and I don't want to hear anyone venting stuff that makes them feel better about what's happening to me!
Funny you say where you are, I had been wondering - shame it's so far, I'm in NE London so we will have to keep virtually meeting with hot chocolates in our metaphorical woods!
I do feel a little hysterical and like laughing sometimes in an unattractively high-pitched way like a victorian woman who wants to collapse on a chaise longue while people fret over her and look stricken with worry. How pathetic is that? I don't deserve to have the vote any more.
Bella - lovely to hear from you, good work on the w/end front! That sounds almost too glorious and perfect to imagine. Dh and I are having a break at home when ils take ds from Fri to Sun phew, can't wait for the break. Feel like the mc is almost over, loss finally quite light and pain is milder today than yesterday. Still have a scan on 25th Jan to see if there is anything left so I could still have to have the d/c, good to hear it isn't too bad, my sis said the same. Yes, distraction is the best. thanks thanks to the sisterhood and thinking of you all.

[girlfromipanema]

Thanks too Space, wish you could be there on the 25th but maybe I can take you in spirit?

[dramaqueen72]

i am alittle envious of you getting the chance to move on bella, and i dont mean in any way to dismiss what youve been thro. just you are on the 'other side' already..and i'm still stuck surrounded by what ifs and maybes. my life is on hold. unbearably. dh keeps ringing from work and asking 'how are you feeling today' and waiting for a long detailed answer.....there is no anwser as i dont know how i feel anymore -strangly numb/distant- and even if i told him, thirty minutes later i feel totally different.
quite a barrage of phone calls this morning, one after the other, with me haivng to explain to each one what was happening. and then I feel bad cause they get upset!!! surreal!!
i will be absolutely WEIRD on here tomorrow, full of nervousness about my scan wed, so forgive me for rambling odd messages okay?
hope everyones doing okay today

[dramaqueen72]

hey girl we crossed posts there!! ne london? oh dear yes, quite away, but closer than some eh?
sorry you have one more 'deadline' to do , the scan on 25th. how crap. i hope its quick and good news, no d&c required. however if you have to have one too, its so very quick,hospital wise. dont listen to me being terrified of it, i am like that with ANYTHING in hospital!
i had a disturbed night with dd, but never mind, after 19mths of her not sleeping i am used to it.
well the school run beckons,
take care

[girlfromipanema]

Yes just crossed! Yes not as far as some! Please feel free to be demented here with me. I feel like the physical process is starting to end (which is a kind of end to something) but the emotional is sort of frozen. But hope I can be sensitive to your limbo til weds - not knowing must be intolerable, like part of you is in one of those waiting rooms from hell. But for what it's worth I'm waiting with you and am not moving unless I am too demented to be good company..... I am really feeling a little odd today maybe with all the busyness of the w/end it's only just starting to dawn. thanks thanks

[Bella23]

Dramaqueen I totally understand that you are in limbo and it really is f**king awful! I particularly like your description of the vicrorian lady screeching in a high pitched tone GFP!! I keep feeling like that! Am so tempted to do it especially if one more person asks me if I had a good Xmas and New Year! This is happening at work from people I haven't seen yet.
Dramaqueen I do feel like I am moving forward but it is a strange feeling - a bit like stumbling into the unknown as I am not sure how you "move on" exactly! I have however convinced myself though that my body knows when I am thinking negative thoughts and therefore am bloody determined to think positively. I also seem to have turned into one of these hippy types who has bought loads of royal jelly and Aloe vera in an attempt to take anything that may help my body to heal. At this rate I may have to start wearing kaftans also!
Anyway enough blathering on from me.
GFP - I am wishing time to go quickly until your scan on Wed xx

[girlfromipanema]

but bella, when I was still pregnant I bought some vile organic super omega oil from sainsbury's (for about 6 pounds)which has all those things you get from fish but from hemp oil and essence of nirvana (ykwim) and you're sposed to take 3 tsps a day and it tastes disgusting. well I'm still taking it because I'm telling myself it'll help me heal better.... but it is so so so so revolting

[dramaqueen72]

girls you made me laugh! i have a line of vitamins to start taking after wednesday. all sorts of weird and wonderful things.. we seems to be very alike here, matching kaftans next thankyou for making me smile. girl -you realise you can buy that stuff in a tablet so you dont have to taste it?!! bella, i didnt mean to say you were 'over it',all done and dusted,sorry. i appreciate how long it is to ever get 'by' it, never mind over it. of course emotionally we will be scarred alot longer. it is exactly like the unknown, because it is so very different for everyone. but having this thread and this board helps alot right? please rant and vent all you want. make a change from me doing it!!! i do wish -weirdly- i was where you are tho, because this limbo is (still!) killing me. i'd rather be after the surgery if i cant be pg.
well ladies, time to veg in front of the televison for abit. (did you see 3 celebrities and a baby last night!? OMG!) will check in on us later.

[Spacecadet]

You are welcome girl, I will think of you on the 25th, dm thankyou for the kind compliment, I only wish I could therap myself so well sometimes!

[girlfromipanema]

iknow iknow iknow you can get it in tablet form and I had some pregnatastic capsules but this organicshamanic wunderoil said that it was better, faster, more vitaminous and omegalovely and cold-pressed through the wings of angels and would turn me into Gwyneth Paltrow crossed with Liv Tyler and my skin would shine like sunlight on a mountain lake etc etc.
sorry losing it now, cackling like mrs rochester in the attic, rattling chains, m bringing me tea telling me to calm down, need to put feet up and watch university challenge, strap a poultice to my head etc etc thanks for the craic!

[Bella23]

Dramaqueen don't worry I didn't think you were being funny about saying I was over it, just me having a moan! It takes a hell of a lot to offend me!
I do agree it is better to be "after" than "before and waiting"...hang in there.
I bought some paint today and am going to start my DIY project on the lounge, thought it would keep me busy as socialising doesn't feellike an option at the moment. Lets just hope that in a couple of months I don't look at the walls and think "what the f**k was i thinking with that colour!"

[dramaqueen72]

oh oh thats what i'm doing! or going to be. well not actually painting but revamping an old fireplace/over mantle. thought a project would help me 'focus' afterwards. migt kill myself in the effort as its very old and needs much TLC.
girl i think i want that oil now. could do with skin shining and looking wonderous. all of me feels abit 'grey' right now......bluuuuuuurgh.
nearly wednesday right? just another day and a long evening to go right? sigh.
space, sorry you feel sad. stop and count your blessings for a moment. sit down relax and breathe deeply. and UNcancel the cbt. everything will be okay. everything WILL fall into place.
girl, i really like the sound of your m. i could do with someone to 'boss' me around and order me to put feet up etc. sometimes i feel the only grown up in this house!!

[Spacecadet]

Trying to do so dm, I got depressed because I was rushed to hospital 4 months ago with a suspected blood clot on the lung, everything was fine but it set off a spiral of panic, its more panic with me tbh, but some days are down days, on November 12th when my sam would have been 14 I felt very low and have found it hard to pick myself up again really, most days are ok.Not long to weds now and I am trying to think some positive thoughts for you.

[girlfromipanema]

space, your msg was so moving, thinking of you and sending hugs... how are you today?
Bella excited for your project too - would love to know the colour.
dramaqn one more day as you say, thinking of you.
yes my m is a sweet heart she's staying til thurs, don't want her to go, feel very regressed!
woke up today feeling brighter, sunshine helps, trying to think of a project too.
thanks for your company all - have a good day,

[Bella23]

Hang in there people. I woke up this morning and feel like I can see the small glimmering light at the end of the tunnel. Dramaqueen I know it must seem like time is moving soooo slowly but tomorrow is just around the corner and we are all thinking of you.

[dramaqueen72]

aw! ladies dont get me crying! but thankyou so so much for nice words to help with tomorrow. i'm so scared of tomorrow i cant concentrate today...cant settle to anything, cant seem to get anything done either. never mind. people keep asking me what can they do to help. i have no idea, absolutely no idea, but i wish they wouldnt ask, just one more thing for me to worry about! today i feel very sick (why has my m/s stayed? thats so not fair)and restless. wishing my life away...... hope you all have a good day
post lots and keep my mind occupied.

[Bella23]

I have started to think of my m/c that wouldn't expel as my body saying that it is really good at carrying a pregnancy and just doesn't want to give up easily. The embryo didn't have the right information to carry on but my body was determined! I know it seems really unfair that other people don't have to go through this waiting drama but I think it just means our bodies really want to be pregnant!

[girlfromipanema]

dramaqn, I keep checking to see if you've posted. to distract you, it's my birthday today (a milestone unfortunately...) and luckily I didn't organise a big party just a night out with dh at the w/end! but am having a lovely low key day with cards and presents and my mother who I'm holding onto for as long as poss..... and I just found a birthday cake in the garage that my mil had hidden there for me at the w/end. she is a sneaky one.
had to call the nct to ask them not to call me for antenatal classes then felt really upset leaving this msg on an a/machine saying I'm not pregnant any more...... sounded SO TRAGIC and awful, think I am continuing to be in denial about what's happened sometimes....
I didn't realise you were still m/s - that is too much - I'm willing time to speed up for you until tomorrow, all the best and to you all too.........

[dramaqueen72]

happy birthday to you girl!!!! 30? 35? 40? please dont say 21!!! oh i hope your birthday lifts you. a birthday cake? oh how lovely. i made my own last year.....sad huh? so youre close to your son birthdate wise? how nice. in this house so far, no-one shares a birthday month. good job really, my kids are very territorial about them! to day i had some horrible feeling s towards a pg woman....and now i feel bad, but i cant bear to know its still happening successfully everywhere but here with me. you know after a D&c at our maternity hospital, they make your dh go get the car -cause youre abit wobbly from the op still- and they sit you in the entrance lounge to wait. its absolutely full of huge 'in labour' sized pg ladies, and over the moon new dads, all making phone calls. and last time just little me, in the corner of much happiness, feeling so very sad. i've told dh i'm not waiting there ever again. as its a maternity hosp. they cant really help it, but it feels so deliberate at the time.
stupidly have been to an internet site about misdiagnosed m/c. think i told you this already (sorry) anyhow i did leave my 'story' and got lots of replies. most saying not ot have a d&c and how bad they were for you, and how at my scan measurements they could be wrong about dates and it could all be terrible..etc etc....so instead of finding comfort, i got very upset. am trying to write site off as over zealous prolife type sort of place, but of course somethings they said stuck in my head. why oh why do i do the internet research thing??
okay so thats not a very happy birthday post is ti. so sorry. tell me all about your little low key gifts, and what sort of meal youre having a the weekend.
bella thankyou for positive thought. i conceived mollie (youngest dd) within 3 mths of my d&c last time. i do really think a d&c is prob quite good at getting it all fresh and ready for next time, however awful it is for us to go thro. i must add i was a total wreck during last pg, obviously. despite being promised many scans, i only got one early one. if i ever do this again, i am paying for private ones all the time to reassure me. tell me, are you all doing it again?