What helped you after a miscarriage / miscarriages

[Hellothere89]

I have posted a few times on here now - I feel like it’s helping speaking to others and reading positive stories. I have just had my second missed miscarriage. I had a MVA last week but my hormones are all over the place and the sadness / grief feels heavy. Getting out of bed and carrying on feels tough.

What else helped you at such a difficult time?

Time. (Trite, I know, I am sorry).

I threw myself into work, both paid and volunteer. I kept incredibly busy. My doctor was actually worried I was doing too much.

It is shit and I’m sorry you are going through this. 💐

@DifficultBloodyWoman thank you. You’re right - time is probably the only thing that’s going to make this better and I’m probably being too hard on myself. It’s only a week since I found out. I think the hardest thing is I’m struggling physically (migraines) and so I’m stuck in bed with my thoughts.

Time, gardening and private counselling with a counsellor who specialises in fertility. I know this isn't accessible to everyone though. And not TTC right away, we waited a few months.

Sorry you are going through this. Fortunately I was a mature student when I had two miscarriages (so I had plenty of time on my own to grieve and allow myself time to wallow) when DH was at work also we had hardly told anyone. I went for walks and chatted to a trusted close friend who had three children. I tried to get out in the fresh air for a walk every day even though I didn’t feel like it. I tried not to take it personally when I saw a pregnant woman or heard someone else was pregnant and failed miserably in this. I went to see a naturopath (to improve my health and diet to help boost my mood and improve my chances of conceiving). We stopped trying for a few months DH used a condom (as I couldn’t cope with the disappointment each month). Most of all allow yourself time and be kind to yourself and DH/DP. Take care x

PS I thought one more month and I will give up as I was 37 and we got pregnant twice and had two DC in very quick succession.

Take care and be kind to yourself is the best advice.

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Wine.

I had one just as the first Covid lockdown started. My partner wasn’t allowed to come to the hospital with me and I had complications and surgery.

we had got a rescue dog a few weeks before lockdown started and when I got home from the hospital he put his head on my tummy and didn’t leave my side for weeks.

I wouldn’t have got through it without him.
he’s been my baby ever since.

@Ratherbeaspoonthanafork has reminded me of something. I remember doing some research on EMDR and there was something about its origins in walking in nature. Long ago, fuzzy memory. But I started walking more and that did help. I think it gave me time to process my thoughts and emotions.

Its so hard OP as as soon as you are pregnant you visualise a little family so you will be grieving for that. Have you been to the GP for blood tests? I had an under active thyroid (so after my second miscarriage they started me on thyroxine) an under active thyroid makes it harder to conceive and also makes miscarriage more likely. Take care x

So sorry to hear of your losses, I had a 2nd mc in June. Keeping busy and reading has helped me get through each day but ultimately I know it’s time.
I have a lot of friends & family pregnant with their 2nd child at the mo which feels horrendously unfair so I’m careful about how much I see them as all they understandably want to talk about is their children/pregnancy (they don’t know about my mc), I just make sure I protect myself from that kind of chat really.
Take care of yourself & I wish you all the best for the future x

Unsure about all your acronyms as my two are both at Uni now. But I do think walking and getting outside in daylight (help with a multitide of things), same with keeping hydrated, good diet and a good chat and laugh with a good friend (has enormous benefits). Although the temptation is to stay in and avoid people and shy away from all and any social occasion.

Exactly this. And the timing of it all felt right - due 3 years after my DS. I had a scan at 9.2 weeks and everything was fine - I’d got further than my last mmc and started to get my hopes up. Everyone around me is pregnant and has multiple kids - so I’m torn between wanting to see them for support but also wanting to protect myself.

I’ve had blood tests done after the first one and a scan - everything came back normal 🤷‍♀️

You’re right. Getting outside would massively help, and always has done so I need to push myself to do that, even if it feels hard. Seeing people also feels hard, but it would help - thank you.

Taking time off work, getting counselling, going on walks and spending time with my DS.

Yeah I think this is exactly what I’m going to do. I have a very stressful job and an extremely unsupportive boss so I need some time away from that. I’ve started counselling. My DS is wonderful - he keeps me going xx

Haha this may well be the answer!

I’m so sorry to hear of yours too, it’s awful. Even though I know that lots of women go through this, it feels so lonely doesn’t it. It’s a difficult balance between wanting support and to see people and then protecting yourself Xx

I had a mmc 2 weeks ago too, it's hard OP so sending you unmumsnetty hugs!
I've gone back to work, a stressful job & not sure it was the right decision but I know lying in bed was also not the right decision for me.

I've been trying to go walks and spend time with DD doing things she enjoys but socially I'm struggling. I don't want to speak to people or be around people I know, I feel like I decided not to tell people I was pregnant incase I had a miscarriage but now I feel like im holding some big secret as to why I don't want to speak to people! I don't want people knowing and trying to talk to me about it, but equally aware people must know something is wrong with me. I work from home so at least don't need to face people at work.

Sorry just realised that's all a bit of a ramble!

I don't want to speak to people or be around people I know, I feel like I decided not to tell people I was pregnant incase I had a miscarriage but now I feel like im holding some big secret as to why I don't want to speak to people! I don't want people knowing and trying to talk to me about it, but equally aware people must know something is wrong with me.

I remember that feeling well. Unmumsnetty hugs from me, too. 💐

Sending hugs.
I had a stillbirth followed by 2 MMCs 2020-2021 so over covid and lockdowns etc. For me throwing myself back into work and routine helped alot. I did a lot of baking as my form of therapy as well as doing things around the house. I needed to be doing something not sitting around thinking. I also did alot of reading of trashy fiction books. It helped my mind not wonder to worrying

I also suffered migraines after the 2 MMC. Have you spoken to the doctor about them? I suffered a temporary intolerance to diary, sugar and caffeine. I had to cut them out significantly to stop the migraines. I still struggle now and have limited caffeine and low sugar (although I can cope with a cake every now and again). It might be worth speaking to the doctor to run out some things. Mine got so bad I ended up being taking into A&E via ambulance they were so worried.

Thank you - sending them right back to you, too. Im sorry you’re going through this as well, it honestly is awful.

I went back to work after the first, and to some extent I think it does help to keep your mind busy. It’s incredibly hard when people don’t know though - and whilst it is helpful to speak to people, it’s also incredibly painful having to explain it over and over again. Always here if you want to talk xx

Time, counselling (after a third loss after 20 weeks that triggered severe anxiety around my existing DS) but mostly really focusing on DS. My work gave some extended time off and I’d really recommend you take as much time as you need, don’t feel guilty. I know how hard it is. Everyone is different and for me I carried on TTC straight away as time wasn’t on my side but absolutely take a break if you feel that’s what you need. Look after yourself, it’s a really shitty time that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Gosh this is absolutely awful, I am so sorry you had to go through all of this. I can’t begin to imagine how hard it must have been for you.

I definitely need to keep busy but the migraines are stopping me from doing much at the moment. Interesting you had them too - did they give you anything for them or did cutting out those things stop them? I called the hospital today and they said it won’t be related to the mmc or the procedure but they started the next day. I don’t know if it’s the hormone drop or what, but it’s definitely making things harder xx

I’m so sorry to hear about your losses - how awful for you.

And thank you - I definitely need some time off work. We have lost my MIL and my FIL in the last 18 months too - it’s been a lot tbh.

Last time I wanted to wait before we ttc again, but it took a year and time isn’t on my side either now. I will see how I feel once my periods are back but I think we’re both keen to try again soon. Do you mind me asking if you’re still ttc now? Xx

I had some codeine related pain relief to begin with and then after they subsided the doctors prescribed some migraine tablets to take when they start.
In the hospital I had a series of blood tests, MRI, CT and was kept in for a few days until they could stop the on going migraine. The suggestion to cut out sugar, diary and caffeine came from the hospital doctor as they couldn't find anything else wrong. It took a few days of not having those things but it stopped the migraines. I avoided them all for a while (a few months) then slowly reintroduced things. I barely have caffeine now and can really tell if I do.