What helped you after a miscarriage / miscarriages

[Hellothere89]

I have posted a few times on here now - I feel like it’s helping speaking to others and reading positive stories. I have just had my second missed miscarriage. I had a MVA last week but my hormones are all over the place and the sadness / grief feels heavy. Getting out of bed and carrying on feels tough.

What else helped you at such a difficult time?

I actually conceived fairly quickly after my loss at 20 weeks and DD was born almost exactly a year later. She’s now 1.5 and sleeping peacefully upstairs as we speak. Don’t give up hope if you feel able to carry on TTC x

I'm sorry for your losses OP. Mine were 20 years ago now but I had 3 in quick succession. Thankfully I then had no more mc but honestly it wasn't until after 2nd DC had arrived that I felt in any way 'healed'. I think I had PND after DC1 that wasn't picked up in addition to the trauma or the mc's or maybe because of.

Looking back what I would have wished for myself would have been someone to really talk to, whether that be a counsellor or good friend, nobody really understood, even my mum. Getting outside would have been good and having access to all the wisdom and empathy on here, I didnt venture onto Mumsnet until my 1st was already here.

People around us were pretty good though and accepted that I just couldn't face Christenings or visiting new babies etc for a while, there was no judgement as far as I know.

Wishing you all good things for the future OP. I found it so hard and the grief (unacknowledged by most) was by far the worst I have experienced, even after losing a much loved parent and other tragic deaths close to me.

Ah this is so so helpful, thank you! The hospital were fairly dismissive - even though I’m in bed with them most days. If I could shake the migraines, it would really help as I can start doing a few things to keep my mind occupied. Thank you again xx

Thank you so much - you’re right though, the grief is heavy and it feels as hard as losing a loved one this time. Maybe it’s the culmination of loss, but either way, it’s tough. I’m very blessed with supportive friends, a wonderful DH and this community is great. Reminding myself of those things, even in these tough days xx

I’m so sorry. It’s shit.

I lost 3 in a row after a long period of secondary infertility. It was 8 years ago now but I remember the desolate feeling so well. I was nearing 40 so was desperate to conceive and never let myself grieve properly for each loss and just focused entirely on “dealing” with the loss and trying again.

I eventually was fortunate to conceive DS2 completely out of the blue and found out a few days before I was due to have (yet more) gynae surgery to try and deal with what I’d been told were adhesions from the miscarriages and endo that I never knew I had weirdly. I’d conceived DS1 without an issue so could never really get my head around it.

Once I’d had DS2 I buried it all deep but it came back with a vengeance when I hit peri menopause, he went to school and we went into lockdown. I had a bit of a breakdown and counselling really helped with the unresolved grief for the ones I lost. So I guess my message is time and letting yourself grieve. Wishing you well xx

@Dagacg62 that’s awful you had to go through that, but I’m glad you got your rainbow baby. Did you not have any symptoms with the endo then?

My age, the age gap etc all worry me - but ultimately there’s not much I can do about that. I’ve started counselling and will definitely continue with that - these things always have a way of cropping up again if not, like you say.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, it's such a hard path. If you have any Christian beliefs, I'd really recommend the devotional 'held', it's helped me a lot since I lost my baby girl at 19 weeks 2 months ago. The hospital also gave me 'the baby sleep guide' by Zoe Clark-Coates which was really helpful. I think setting small goals like going for a walk etc helps. Personally I've found although there are many lovely supportive FB groups etc, reading other people's stories filled me with anxiety. On the other hand, talking to friends who have been through similar and come out the other side helps a lot. Hope the migraines improve

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. In my experience: time, long walks, therapy, spending time with the friends who “got” it, and steering clear of alcohol (for me even a glass of wine impacted my sleep and mood the next morning).

I'm so sorry. I had time off from work and sat around for two weeks eating chocolate and doing puzzles. I started counselling through the employee assistance programme my work offered.

I then threw myself into a six week outdoor boot camp which helped with coming to terms with (how I felt) my body failing me by learning to trust it again.

Hi op, no real suggestions on how to move forward from me as I'm about six weeks ahead of you and I'm not really sure what I'm doing, just got back to work and trying to focus on that and I'm lucky to have my older child to also focus on.
I just wanted to say that I had very intense headaches too - crazy pain from the neck up. EPU said not directly related but a sudden drop in hormones can cause it. Funnily enough it was the only thing I noticed wrong with me on the week before it all happened. I took paracetamol which didn't help but they did subside mostly. I have a headache sometimes but I think I'm grinding my teeth at night also.
Sending you best wishes c

Sorry I meant 'the baby loss guide', not the baby sleep guide 🤦‍♀️

This made me tearful. I’m so pleased everything worked out for you after you had such a rough ride. Thanks for sharing - it gives me so much hope xx

Thank you so much - I do actually so I will have a look. You’re right though, reading too much will only increase my anxiety (my mind is already in over drive trying to work out why this keeps happening and what else might go wrong) so I need to be mindful of that xx

@peepsypops sorry to hear you’re in the same position. Interesting that you had the headaches too - mine are exactly as you describe (crazy pain up my neck). I did wonder if they were caused by the drop in hormones - I guess that would make sense. I’m sure the sugar / caffeine isn’t helping either!! How long did they take to stop? Xx

Hello. Time and being busy. Exercise and I threw myself into a big project at work.

Two mc is tough. I lost two babies at the 8 week mark. I swore for the first week after we lost the second I would not go through it again.

We took a couple of weeks to grieve and agreed to try again.

Third time lucky and my noisy 3 year old is currently help me clean ....

Good luck and I hope all works out for you

They took a good 4 weeks if im honest and haven't fully went away! But as you say, I have been on autopilot since relying on coffee a lot and just plodding through so it's not like I've given myself the best chance to get rid of them!

I'm 6 weeks post MMC now and they have lessened a lot. I can't recall if I said earlier in the post but the headache was the only thing I recalled being wrong with me in the days prior to the MMC - I had mad headaches and didn't know why. 2 days later I had some brown discharge followed by the whole process days later.

When I read your title I answered time.

I had 2 mva's within a year. Heartbroken does not come close to the sadness I felt and still feel for having lost those 2 babies. I am crying already just after writing that.

The second MVA caused damage so I can't carry another baby.

At the time I did a mix of throwing myself into dc (who I believe got me through and I am so so lucky to have them). When dc were at school I lay in bed crying and crying. Googling what could have caused the mmc. Then throwing myself into work and action packed weekends with dc.

It's shit.
I think Time helps us with the strength to push the grief to the back of our minds but the pain is only a second away when we think about our lost babies.

My opinion- I also think it's worse for those who don't already have a dc as I really couldn't have survived without mine.
Not minimising anyone's pain in any way though as I believe it really is the worst thing a woman can find out about the little life inside.

The only symptom I had was brown mid cycle bleeding and nausea. It was completely missed by the fertility clinic I was at at the time.

I was unhappy with the clinic for other reasons so went to another gynaecologist for a second opinion. He sent me for a scan with a specialist who said one of my ovaries was completely stuck down and I was riddled with it. Had surgery to remove it and it was Stage 4. I conceived quite quickly after the surgery but sadly miscarried. I then had an incomplete D&C that had to be repeated.

There’s 5 years between my two and it’s actually worked out really well. I wish you well xx