Am I living in a horror movie? MC 14 weeks.

[04AM]

It's the first time I post here but I need to tell someone what happened because I can't believe it.

I had a miscarriage yesterday at 14+4 weeks. I woke up feeling very unwell and with painful cramps. One hour later I felt a pressure in my uterus and run to the toilet. Sorry, TMI!!! There was blood everywhere, it was like a diarrhea of blood and clots. I couldn't move from the toilet because the bleeding won't stop but the cramps were so painful I thought I was going to pass out. After a time,(I know now it was around 2 hours) the pain decreased and I managed to stand up and clean myself.

I called my partner (he was at work) and we went to hospital. I had an scan and was told I've lost my baby. My uterus was empty. I just couldn't comprehed what they were saying. The doctor didn't know why this happened, there was no clear reason, but he thinks I probably lost the baby a few days after the 12 week scan and didn't have symptoms until the last days. Now, I realise that I was quite unwell on Thursday and had very sharp cramps and those weren't just normal pregnancy symptoms.

How could I miscarriage so suddenly in a few hours? I never thought that was even possible to have a miscarriage like that at 14 weeks. I didn't even know I passed the baby because there was so much blood and clots. I feel terrible I didn't realise. I had my first scan at 12+1 weeks and everything was perfect!

I was told to go home and rest, there are not many tests they can do now and they don't know why this happened. I feel so angry and sad. I can't understand how this could happen. I got a million of questions and I don't have answers. I feel this is my fault because I didn't call EPU when I had the very sharp cramps on Thursday.

AIBU to feel no one understands how I feel? Even myself. For feeling so irrational? For feeling I don't know how I'm going to try for a baby in the future?

I’m so sorry for your loss. I know how how hard the days after loss are, when you have so many questions and how upsetting it can be to have no answers. You are absolutely not to blame for any of it!! I lost 2 this year, a little boy in January, found out at a 15 week gender scan, he passed around 14 weeks, appeared healthy at my 12 week scan. I then lost a baby girl in September, same situation that I found out at my 15 week gender scan, at the 12 week scan she was bouncing around, I couldn’t understand why when they looked so perfect and healthy at 12 weeks. Contact your hospital and ask to be put in touch with a bereavement midwife. She can put you in touch with any services if you feel you need them in the future. Mine has been a great support.

I am so, so, sorry for your loss, OP. Words are useless. I had a MMC myself last year, albeit much earlier than you and with a D&C, so I can only imagine what you've been through. Anger came first - then a huge feeling of despair and loss.

I grieved in my own way - I was very lucky I had DH to keep me afloat. I had a million questions, starting with "why me?". OP, a year later, I can tell you, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

Please, be gentle to yourself and take care. Wishing you the very best