Vent: Ridiculous things people say after miscarriages

[TheNeverEndingOver]

I've just experienced my third miscarriage in a row, and am currently recovering from my second surgical management (which was on Friday).

I understand people sometimes struggle with what to say, but isn't it obvious that a sentence starting with the words 'At least...' should be avoided?

-At least you know you can get pregnant
-At least it was now and not later on

When I told my mum, one of the first things she said was, 'Why, why is this happening, you need to find out, ask the doctors, why haven't they told you?' followed by ', You need to decide if the stress is even worth it'. Those aren't helpful.

Another family member, who I told about this last miscarriage but doesn't know I've had two others, said, 'I knew it.' Thats just weird. Knew it how? Because I'm old, because I look like someone who miscarriages? Cos I obviously have a shit body - what does that even mean?

No real purpose to this tread apart from a vent. Why can't people just be normal and say, 'I am so sorry, life can be shit'.

I have just noticed a very similar thread which was much more understanding than mine 😂A 'thank you' to people who just say 'I am sorry'. That is a much nicer way of saying things!

I don’t know, probably because they don’t know what to say maybe.

I am so sorry for your loss xxx

I was explaining to someone how we'd found out about our second loss (I had some bleeding and we went for a couple of scans but there was no heartbeat at the last one). She said:

'Oh I had bleeding in my pregnancy with my son. It was really scary but he was ok.'

I didn't know what else to say after that.

I wonder this too. I’ve never experienced pregnancy loss and I’m so sorry you have, but on here I always see people insisting others ‘don’t know what to say’ re topics like bereavement and pregnancy loss, and I know we all struggle to know how to ‘make it better’ but it is perfectly acceptable to say ‘I am so sorry for your loss’.

Sending healing vibes your way

I don't think it's about people not knowing what to say. I think people are genuinely insensitive and cack handed with this because it's impossible to know how it feels unless you've actually been there. I used to find people saying "it will happen" or "just stress less" incredibly painful and hurtful because it really exposed the massive gulf between what I was feeling and how it affected their life and how they saw it as a topic ie a problem to be solved and not a massive grief.

Whatever anyone says it is inadequate , people get awkward and they say something that they feel is helpful

Just accept their comments with grace as they are well meaning and don't give it to much thought

I'm very sorry

That is so unhelpful. Sometimes I think people try and relate, when they just can't, so it's better not to. I had a family member, who has had no miscarriages say 'I know how you feel though, I know how looking at the pregnancy test and longing feels' she had a 5 month wait before getting pregnant - its not the same.

I agree that just an ‘I’m very sorry that happened to you’ is the best option.

IME though well meaning attempts to find some sort of silver lining are not the worst possible responses to miscarriage you can get. Your ‘I knew it’ example is just weird and leaves you confused but further upset. It feels cruel.

STBXH on hearing I’d had a miscarriage went for a mix of ‘well I have too many children anyway’ and ‘I bet you had an abortion’. This is, no one will be surprised to hear, a part of why we are divorcing.

'Stress less' is incredibly insensitive, I'm sorry you've had that. I've had that too and it just feels as if I'm being blamed for outcomes. I think my mum comments definitely stem from 'this is a problem to be solved' rather than having the ability to comfort grief. Its probably common for quite a few people

I’m sorry for your losses. You’re perfectly entitled to vent. A lot of people are hopeless in a difficult situation, and speak without thinking - sometimes actually trying to sympathise but doing a terrible job, and wanting to say something that sounds comforting end up blurting out something that makes it was.

Wow your comments from STBXH are awful. I'm so sorry that happened.

Thank you @PartTimePartyPooper. I feel a bit guilty venting as I know people arent trying to be intentionally hurtful, but I suppose it doesn't stop it being hurtful

Sorry for your loss xxx
i don’t think anyone does it to be horrible or really understands by saying that it minimises your loss, they just don’t know what to say but want to make you feel better by encouraging you to focus on something positive or even just in your friend’s case share a connection with you. It is rubbish with you when all your wanting is acknowledgment of how rubbish it is :( I think the more awareness and education on the issue the better as people would like to get it right.
I suppose everyone feels differently too when they are going through it, I once read something that said spiritually every soul that has come into the world has a purpose and these souls just serve their purpose very early on, I found that very comforting myself but everyone is very different and perhaps depends what stage etc. It is still hurtful though if you tell someone and they don’t even acknowledge what you’ve said or just look at you like you’ve made a massive social faux pas. A simple I’m sorry to hear that means a lot

It’s a ‘when someone tells you who they are; believe them’ situation.

Most people are just clumsy and don’t know what to say. Others accidentally veer into cruelty. Or do so as a result of some deep seated issues they have.

It is a situation where there is no ‘right’ thing to say because the situation itself is just shit.

Many people find it very challenging and deeply uncomfortable or embarrassing to acknowledge, express or address negative emotions. I think there's something about identity threat and not being able to cope with facing their own feelings.

When confronted with your miscarriage, such people will search for a quick fix or an immediate deflecting response to avoid the discomfort of acknowledging your, and perhaps also their own, feelings of sadness and grief.

People that want to help or demonstrate that they care but are emotionally stunted in this way, will instead resort to a non-emotional way of "helping" - that is trying to find some kind of practical solution or rationalisation. This might have some value in some other contexts but in this situation is obviously very unhelpful and actually hurtful, because there is nothing they can practically offer to help you and the rationalisation that your miscarriage is not a big deal for one reason or another is dismissive of your very valid feelings.

But for the other person, these types of responses tick a box of having said something in response to your miscarriage, whilst avoiding or minimising their discomfort and keeping them psychologically well insulated. This is self-serving but is also an unconscious process, rather than being consciously selfish.

I'm sorry for your loss and I'm also sorry that you haven't had more genuinely supportive and empathetic responses from those closest to you.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response @Goodnessgraciousmee. I've found that incredibly helpful x

@TheNeverEndingOver

I'm pleased you found that helpful.

I was particularly struck by your mother's insistence that something simply HAS to happen to fix this, something HAS to be done to prevent it from happening again etc.

Whilst she has not been able to communicate directly about her or your feelings, to me these sentiments come across as a clear reflection of the intense distress that she feels about your situation. I think it is likely that she cares deeply and is actually very affected by this, and I suspect mostly because of how distressing she knows it is for you. So she is internally empathising with your emotional state, but is unable to validate and sit with the feelings her empathy generates. Hence her desperation to get rid of those feelings by finding "the answer".

I would not be surprised that if you reflect upon it further, you'll observe that she has always adopted this same approach to difficult emotions! And that may be an additional reason for you to find her response particularly triggering or upsetting. Her response may remind you of being emotionally invalidated by her as a child in the past.

You can't change how she manages her emotions and it's not your job to do so. However it can be helpful to try to understand it is simply a reflection of her own limitations. At the very least this can help you to stop expecting or searching for the kind of emotionally validating response you would like to receive from your mum when you are facing emotionally difficult situations. You can keep your relationship with her playing to her relative strengths (whatever they may be), and seek out comfort and understanding elsewhere.

(This process of understanding and accepting your parents limitations is itself however somewhat distressing and difficult, but I think in the long term, much less disappointing).

Obviously, forgive me if I've barked up the wrong tree here.

I agree with the poster who said that people feel the need to say “something” without really engaging in their own emotions. Which is fine if you’re a colleague or something but not ideal if you’re a close friend or relative. When I was waiting for surgical management in the hospital my mum was on the phone saying thoughtfully “I suppose this is the first time something really bad has happened to you isn’t it.” I mean what to say to that???!! 1) how would you know 2) even if that were the case that is an absolutely useless insight. I just got off the phone.

I have to say though most of my friends were amazing and said and did the right things, god bless them all.

I feel you OP. I got ‘oh in my day they just called it a late period’, from my mum. How supportive!
Also ‘obviously it’s not as bad because you have a baby already so it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if you couldn’t have any more’
why do people feel the need?!!
Just ‘I’m sorry’ is so much better!

@Goodnessgraciousmee

Thank you - you are 100% right about my mum. She has always been a problem-solver in any emotional issue (apart from her own), and I did anticipate her potentially saying something unhelpful. I have never considered this to be a response to her distress though; I've always thought of it as her being an unemotional person and thinking I should 'get over' things. And yes...the response does remind me of being emotionally invalidated as a child. This has been helpful and given me something to think about more; thank you.

Oh @Newbie1011 the period comment is awful. I'm so sorry your mum said that, how invalidating x

@Outdamnspot23 I feel like I'm learning many mums are utterly useless! I'm so sorry, what a shit comment

Sorry for your losses. I don’t know what people are thinking sometimes it’s still a subject people don’t know how to speak about which needs to change. I’ve had 4 losses in a row and currently have a family friend who is 5 months pregnant and hasn’t acknowledged it because of my losses despite me seeing her recently and she was hiding her bump

Thank you @TheNeverEndingOver . I agree about mums. I wonder if it’s a generational thing - in their day, women’s feelings were so often invalidated and brushed aside that it’s almost like they can’t help inadvertently doing the same to their own daughters - it’s very sad.
It was the same when I gave birth the first time, I asked for no visitors in the hospital and she ignored me and came anyway with my dad and insisted on other relatives coming too, even though I was still bleeding, could hardly walk etc. Then later she told me about how hard she had found it as a new mum being ‘expected to tour relatives’ with me as a baby when she was still in pain after a tear etc at her own birth and how traumatic it had been. I was like… well why didn’t you spare me that then?!
When I read the book ‘the book you wish your parents had read’ it made a lot more sense to me!!
I have learned to love my mum and accept her limitations and rely on others for my emotional well-being. It means I share less with her but that works better for me.

@TheNeverEndingOver I’m sorry you didn’t get the support you needed from your mum either but glad you had good friends around you who said the right things x