Vent: Ridiculous things people say after miscarriages

[TheNeverEndingOver]

I've just experienced my third miscarriage in a row, and am currently recovering from my second surgical management (which was on Friday).

I understand people sometimes struggle with what to say, but isn't it obvious that a sentence starting with the words 'At least...' should be avoided?

-At least you know you can get pregnant
-At least it was now and not later on

When I told my mum, one of the first things she said was, 'Why, why is this happening, you need to find out, ask the doctors, why haven't they told you?' followed by ', You need to decide if the stress is even worth it'. Those aren't helpful.

Another family member, who I told about this last miscarriage but doesn't know I've had two others, said, 'I knew it.' Thats just weird. Knew it how? Because I'm old, because I look like someone who miscarriages? Cos I obviously have a shit body - what does that even mean?

No real purpose to this tread apart from a vent. Why can't people just be normal and say, 'I am so sorry, life can be shit'.

@Newbie1011 Sorry you had a shit time post birth, it does seem a selfish thing for your mum to have done. And yes, I do agree generational behaviours have some impact. My mum seems to be aware that HER mum struggled with emotions, but does not have the self-reflection to make a change in her own behaviour. She has never told us she loves us, for example, but I know that was what her mum did...but I also know that she DOES love us.
I hear so many people talk about 'the book you wish your parents had read'; perhaps I'll give it a go!

It's awful when you think that many of the mums probably are deeply hurting for us but still manage to put their foot right in it.

I think with younger people the message is getting through that MC is a bereavement and should be treated as such. Obviously it's not the same but you wouldn't say to someone who's just lost their wife "Oh well I'm sure you will get a girlfriend eventually" or "I suppose this is the first time you've been widowed isn't it" or "in my day we just called it getting older". That message will eventually flow up to the generation above us I think. I hope.

@TheNeverEndingOver its really a great book. It’s really helped me be more conscious as a parent and to avoid doing some of the things I think my parents did, and break the cycle to some extent. And also to our their behaviour in context of how they were patented, and feel more detached about it I guess. I wish I’d read it earlier!

Lost DD at 10 months old, and had a mc when she was 6 months old (accidental but wanted pregnancy).

After the Mc: at least you have a kid, lots of people don't have anything.

And: At least you hadn't bought anything for it, imagine if you were really far along and excited. I was 15 weeks.

After DD died: You can have another, even if you miscarry a few more times to get one.

My MIL was similar - "in my day we didn't have early tests or scans so we didn't even know if we miscarried. I probably did, I once had some spotting between periods". Even if I hadn't had a scan confirming I was pregnant, I would have had absolutely no doubt that I was miscarrying. There was no comparison to spotting or a late period. And she knew I ended up having to go to hospital a few times to deal with it. So dismissive.

I am so, so sorry for your losses @botheredand. Those comments are simply awful, you must have gone through so much pain x

When I was 20 and miscarried an unplanned pregnancy, I was told "it's for the best. Your career would have been ruined" and when I miscarried one of my twins 2yrs ago, my own MIL said "it happens all the time to women. It's very common. At least you still have DD"

I have had:

Be grateful you can fall pregnant. It took me 15 plus years to fall pregnant in the first bloody place and I'd be more grateful if I could carry a Baby to term
*At least it happened early enough. So and so lost hers at x amount of weeks so I don't know why you are so upset

Well at least you can have a glass of wine now

It's just blood and guts* they'll be sucking out of you. When I was worried I'd need to have a D&C

There's many more I've had said to me as well. Yet my last loss which was a chemical pregnancy. The Dr I spoke to on the phone (during covid) told me that even though it was only a very early loss I still had the right to grieve.

@Lulubo1 I'm so sorry you had such hurtful comments. I don't understand someone saying 'it's common'. I have had the same. But many things are common...such as an elderly person dying. It doesn't make the pain any less.

@AllIWantForChristmasIs2PinkLines Sorry to hear you've had such hurtful comments, the D&C one is disgusting. The hospital actually offered me a free memory box before my D&C last week, and I think it was because my baby was 'only ten weeks' that I didn't take it. I felt I wasn't worthy of having it. On reflection, I can see this is messaging I've got from other people - having also had the 'At least it's early' comments. I'm so glad your doctor was supportive during your chemical pregnancy x

When I lost my daughter at 22 weeks, my mum was on a vendetta about contacting PALS. All I heard for weeks was 'we need to complain!'

About what, mother? To whom? DH and I had to laugh eventually (after crying), it was so ridiculous 😂

Thoughts are with you OP. It's utterly shit, nothing any of us can say will help really, but genuinely thinking of you x

Thank you so much @FrillyGoatFluff and I'm so sorry for your loss. I can imagine my mother wanting to make a complaint in that situation too! Something nice and actionable to do.

Firstly, I am so sorry for your losses. I miscarried a few months ago and am still processing the grief. When I got home from the ER I laid in my bed and cried my eyes out, and one of the biggest things I was feeling at the time was grief for other women who had had what happened to me, happen to them more than once. I cried and cried just thinking of it. I have noticed the exact same things you have with the “at leasts” and the general callousness some people show. I read something excellent once about the shit things people say in response to someone else’s grief, and one thing that sticks in my mind is that apparently the reason they do it is because some people cannot face mortality or these terrible things that can happen to any of us, and they don’t want to imagine it happening to them. Apparently saying things like “at least” or “they’re watching over you” and garbage like that, is a way for them to not have to face the idea of this happening to them, and a way of ‘othering’ the grieving person- it’s a way of insulating themselves against grief by pretending it wouldn’t happen to them. They don’t want to sit with you in your grief even for two minutes, because if they did , they’d have to face the fact that this can happen to any woman, and could happen to them too. Those with true empathy and understanding of grief (usually from personal experience) are the only ones who seem to understand that the only thing you should say is “I’m sorry”. I hope this helps in some tiny way and again, I am so sorry.

@TheBirdintheCave that comment made to you was horrific. What a way to compound your grief- by not only failing to acknowledge your grief, but to inform you that her own pregnancy/baby had been saved. Honestly the only thing I can even think of is that some people’s minds may get triggered by stressful memories and they make a comment without thinking it through as in that moment they are reliving their own brush with miscarriage or the fear of it. But it’s so self absorbed and shitful. I’m sorry for your loss x

@Lemonvalley Yeah it hurt but the absurdity of it was almost funny. Like, how on earth did she think that was at all comparable?

And thank you :) We had another loss after that (number 3) but by some miracle I'm now 16 weeks with what will hopefully be our sticky baby 😄

@TheBirdintheCave yes, not comparable at all! She was obviously just reliving the memory of the ‘scare’ she had once experienced and was completely oblivious towards your feelings in that moment! I don’t get how people can do this. A close female relative decided to announce her pregnancy to our whole family less than a week after I had lost my baby. The cruelty of that hurt so bad, the complete lack of consideration from someone I loved. I think some people are just so bloody self absorbed. Bless you, and what I hope is your rainbow.

@Lemonvalley Oh that's awful :( I'm so sorry you had that dropped on you like that.

I've found silence the worst though. Just say " I'm sorry, it's rubbish". I don't need your solutions or positive stories right now.

I've had

"there would have been something wrong with it anyway"

and the real kicker

"well I had a feeling it might happen because when you announced your pregnancy you didn't seem as happy as last time."

I still don't know what to make of the last one.

Someone said to me at least you wasn't that far gone 😩

Some of the least helpful responses after my missed miscarriage (which turned out to be a partial molar pregnancy, meaning that I have had to have follow up since August and am still having it now) were:
"Everything happens for a reason"
"One day when you have a baby, you look at them you'll be glad that this happened because otherwise you wouldn't have that baby"
"The timing just wasn't right"
"At least you know you can get pregnant"
"Are you going to try again?"
"Was it planned?"
"I didn't have much time to wallow after my miscarriage because I had two kids to look after" (to which I wish I'd said well I don't have that fucking problem do I, seeing as I have no kids!")
"I know how you feel" (no, you don't)

The helpful ones were:
"I'm so sorry"
"It's just so shit"
And my personal fav: "what a kick in the teeth"