Very distressing news

[LKC31]

I have not posted to this website before - or any related chat-type site - but right now have received the most distressing news of my life and need to shout about it!
I went for my 20 week scan on Monday which I was feeling very excited about. The sonographer warned there were abnormalities with my baby but referred me to a specialist. Went to see specialist yesterday and found out my baby has a rare, fatal condition he knows nothing about - but do know that there is severe brain damage and a lung blockage which would prevent him/her from surviving. I now have to have an induced labour tomorrow to terminate the pregnancy. I am SO scared its untrue. In addition I am particularly scared about the long term effects and right now can't imagine ever getting over this. Very worried about the summer which my baby was due and how awful that is going to be. When I have searched the internet to find out about what induced labour etc will entail, all I get in response is abortion, unplanned pregnancy, etc which is making me very upset as this pregnancy is so wanted. Has anyone else gone through this? How long does it take to get over such things?

I did not have a triple test - had the nuchal test at 13 weeks (ie for Downs syndrome) - I thought this would show up here too - I have been told it was too early to tell.

I have now had a week to get used to all of this but finding it so difficult. I am upset the majority of the time then seem back to normal.

Physically the reminders are hard but mentally this is hell. My mum went through the same thing when she was younger and she has been my rock during this. My husband is a wonderful person and very positive. He is keeping it all together and is back at work. However I feel bitter that it is my mum who is the one taking time off work, not him. Husband's parents are usually extremely family orientated so I am surprised to find they have not showed any emotion and do not seem to care. I'm sure they do care - but as I say due to my emotional state it is very difficult for me to be around them. I really do not want this awful incident to come between me and them and certainly not me and husband - so I feel I have to ignore these annoyed feelings towards them.

I miss having my baby inside me and am not sure I have done the right thing in terms of seeing my baby. I opted not to as I felt it would be less heartbreaking - but now having read a lot of posts here I seem to be the only one who hasn't seen the baby. I try to think that the baby doesn't know me. My husband really didn't want to see him/her. I feel very strongly that if one of us sees him/her then the other should and vice-versa.

Please someone help me - when does it all get better?

Hi LKC31,

Just to say that I will be thinking of you today. My sister went through this exactly a year ago this week and had her baby at 16 weeks. The problems were discovered early at a 14 week scan. The labour was fine, she had pethadine and a fabulaous specialist MW. Her baby was a girl (which they new as the chromosone condition dictated that) and they called her Alice and took photos. This was their choice and we supported them so you must do what you think is best for you.

Anyway I wanted to let you know that my sis is now due in May. She conceived around her previous due date and all is well this time. She is managing to enjoy the pregnancy, especially after she passed the 16 week stage.

I hope this gives you some positive thoughts for the future. IN the meantime, good luck for today. Stay strong and keep posting as there is great support on here.

LL
xx

So sorry, I got all mixed up with dates there and hadn't read the whole thread -am meant to be on my way to work.

LKC- please don't ignore your feelings - tell your husband how you feel. It is so hard, because people do deal with things differently - we had 3 miscarriages, and no one else ever mentions those babies or marks their due dates etc. When I asked DH about it, he said that he thinks about it, but doesn't feel the need to share those thoughts.

I believe that hospitals usually take photos of babies, which are kept in their notes in case their mummys and daddys change their minds later and want to see them. You could phone the hospital chaplain and ask - they are wonderfully supportive.

Theres no right time for feeling better, and its normal to feel up and down. With time, the up bits get longer though.

LKC31

When I lost my baby at 20 weeks. The nurse caring for me asked if I wanted to see him. It was very sudden and i was in shock and I didn't know if I should or not. My DH was away with work, I wasn't capable of making any decision. I asked my nurse what she would do if she was me and she obviously wouldn't tell me. I was desperate for someone to tell me if i should. I asked her if most people did and she told me it was about half that did and half decided not to. So you are not the only one.

I did decide to see my baby. My hospital gave me photos which I've kept and look at sometimes so you could check with your hospital if you want to but it needs to be something you want to do, don't feel pressured by other posts they are just giving you their experiences.

Sending big cuddles to you. x

LKC31,

So sorry for what you are going through.

5 weeks ago I lost my baby at 15 weeks, and like you I opted not to see it as I didn't want to be haunted by the memory of it.

In the immediate aftermath I regretted the decision, and my feelings change daily about it. I am absolutely fine most of the time, but when I am on my own it is all I think about.

The decision you made was not uncaring, you simply had to do whatever you could to lessen the grief.

It DOES get easier as time goes on.

Take care
x

Plese try not to feel guilty about your decision not to see your baby. It was the right decision for you. After I had been through the same tragic situation as you I felt very detatched from everything due to the fact that I had requested a high dose of morphine in order that I would not remember the experience. I then felt guilty about that as it seemed uncaring, and that I was only thinking about me, not the baby. Those feelings passed, as yours will. I just think feeling that our choices might have been wrong is part of the grieving process.

I remember feeling that the bottom had dropped out of the world, but it did get better. Be kind to yourself, talk to your dh. XXX