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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Very distressing news

57 replies

LKC31 · 05/03/2008 10:00

I have not posted to this website before - or any related chat-type site - but right now have received the most distressing news of my life and need to shout about it!
I went for my 20 week scan on Monday which I was feeling very excited about. The sonographer warned there were abnormalities with my baby but referred me to a specialist. Went to see specialist yesterday and found out my baby has a rare, fatal condition he knows nothing about - but do know that there is severe brain damage and a lung blockage which would prevent him/her from surviving. I now have to have an induced labour tomorrow to terminate the pregnancy. I am SO scared its untrue. In addition I am particularly scared about the long term effects and right now can't imagine ever getting over this. Very worried about the summer which my baby was due and how awful that is going to be. When I have searched the internet to find out about what induced labour etc will entail, all I get in response is abortion, unplanned pregnancy, etc which is making me very upset as this pregnancy is so wanted. Has anyone else gone through this? How long does it take to get over such things?

OP posts:
princessosyth · 05/03/2008 10:01

So sorry to hear your sad news.

Lazylou · 05/03/2008 10:02

No real advice, but just wanted to acknowledge your sad news

themildmanneredjanitor · 05/03/2008 10:02

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaureenMLove · 05/03/2008 10:03

Oh you poor, poor thing.

I' afraid I don't have any experience of this, but someone will on here certianly will and hopefully give you some answers. Take care.

berolina · 05/03/2008 10:03

I am so very sorry for the loss of your child.

I will alert a MNer I know who suffered a stillbirth at 21 weeks and went through induction to this.

Saturn74 · 05/03/2008 10:03

LKC31, I am so sorry to hear your news.
I had a similar situation at 24 weeks.
This website might be helpful
www.arc-uk.org

winniethewino · 05/03/2008 10:03

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flossish · 05/03/2008 10:05

I'm sorry.

chopster · 05/03/2008 10:06

So sorry to hear what has happened.

Hopefulyl someone will be along with experience soon, this thread might help a litte. A mnetter faced a very similar sort of situation.

themildmanneredjanitor · 05/03/2008 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

duchesse · 05/03/2008 10:07

Oh goodness, poor you. There a few other women on here who have lost babies at similar stages, so you will get lots of support here. I am sure they will advise you to also contact the SANDS organisation for extra support and information.

throckenholt · 05/03/2008 10:09

I knew someone once on another site who went through similar. She had an induced labour which I think was "normal" - about 10 hours if I remember.

She already had one child, and went on to have another about a year later. So physically I think there was no lasting effect. Obviously emotionally the effects were huge - you have to go through the grieving process - and it is unpredicatble - sometimes you wil be fine- others you will be uspet by unexpected things.

Hope it all goes ok for you tomorrow.

Habbibu · 05/03/2008 10:10

LKC31, I am so so sorry. I went through this in June 2005, when we discovered our very much wanted and loved first baby had anencephaly, a condition in which her skull and brain had not developed properly, and so she was unable to survive. I gave birth to her three days after our scan. I can tell you that it was nothing like as bad as I thought it would be, and that holding my tiny girl did give me a moment of great joy amongst all the sadness.

What you are going through now is horrible and scary and heartbreaking. It does get better, I promise, but it does take a long time to make your peace with losing a child. I hope it will give you some hope to know that my daughter's little sister was born in October 2006, safe and well, and is a great joy in our lives.

You will find lots of support here, but I found the SANDS forum a lifeline when I lost my daughter. It is at www.sandsforum.org, and there are many people there who are going through what you are, or have been through it before.

Keep talking, here or on SANDS. Thinking of you.

Twinkie1 · 05/03/2008 10:10

Hi Love

My sister went through this a few years ago and it was heartbreaking.

We did though make sure someone was with her all the tie and talked about everything to do with the baby - didn't ignore it - they took clothes to the hospital to dress him in - premie ones so they could dress him and hold him when he was born - she was 4 weeks further gone than you though so you will have to ask the doctor if it would be ok.

They chose a name for the baby and I bought them a beautiful wooden box for them to put all the photos and wristbands etc in so they could open it and remember him when they needed to.

Maybe contact SANDS and there are a few books on Amazon -

I'll Hold You in Heaven: Healing and Hope for the Parent Who Has Lost a Child Through Miscarriage, Still Birth, Abortion or Early Infant Death (Paperback)
by Jack W. Hayford (Author)

and

Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby (Paperback)
by Deborah L. Davis (Author)

and

Fathers Feel Too (Paperback)
by Andrew Don (Author)

Above all talk about the baby and surround yourself with people who are happy to hold you and laugh and cry with you - my sister and I were closer than we had ever been before after all the talking we did whilst she was waiting to be induced. And remember men hurt too and the babies father will be going through a whole range of emotions and sometimes their feelings get forgotten.

All my love - you will come out of this - you will never forget your baby but will learn somehow to live with the pain - maybe go away with your DP/DH the weekend the baby was due and have some special time together.

Tx

hertsnessex · 05/03/2008 10:11

LKC31,

Firstly, I am so sorry to here you are going through this.

I had a mc, but not been through this, but sadly my friend has jsut recently been in your position.

The same diagnosis was given to her little girl, and after also hearing her daughter would not survive to term, she contacted ARC (www.arc-uk.org) and was put in touch with a lady who had been through the same thing. This helped her alot.

She delivered her baby at 22wks, and they got to hold her, dress her and spend time with her. this is so important.

we all still talk about their daughter, and 6months down the line my friend is pregnant again. she is excited yet worried, as like you she didnt know there was any problem until the 20wk scan and after her little girl was born and the tried to find what this 'abnormality' was it came back as 1 of a possible 11 things, and also a 1 in 4 change of the same thing happening.

We are all hoping and praying that this time things will be ok for them all.

please try to get some counselling, talk about your baby, he/she will alwas be part of who you are/will be.

we had a 'drink' to her daughter on her due date, and marked this day. it was a 'dark' time for my friend. but slowly she is learning to 'live' with the trauma - and that is what it is. You are going through something immensely painful, keep talking, keep remembering.

think about having a small service for your baby. take photos. keep a memory box and most of all, remember your angel will always be with you.

Cxx

berolina · 05/03/2008 10:12

I am so dreadfully sorry for my phrasing, as as yet your baby is still with you, albeit for a distressingly short time I'm very sorry.

avenanap · 05/03/2008 10:13

So sad for you. I have not gone through this but I've had a friend that has. I'm not surprised that you are afraid, it's a devastating thing to happen and if I could take away some of this pain then I would. They induce normally, it is most likely to be a drip. Physically there should be no long term effects. They can give you medication to stop the milk. Mentally, it's going to be tough. People are not going to understand how you are feeling. It's your child, a wanted child. You have a right to grieve and you have the right to be angry. A good friend of mine has lost a baby, she now sees it as the child was inside her to experience love and warmth from her and then it was time for it to go somewhere else. Don't be afraid to hold your child after it's born. It will be so hard but it will help you. The hospital should let you take pictures and spend some time with your baby. They will talk to you about the funeral if that's what they do. Some families plant a tree to remind them of their child. It's ok to do this. Remember that your baby has felt your love and your warmth. Time really does heal.
With all my heart I wish you well. And I am truly sorry for your loss.

DoodleToYou · 05/03/2008 10:17

Message withdrawn

Kindersurpise · 05/03/2008 10:18

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through.

My cousin just went through something similar, it is just so sad and horrible.

She has booked a holiday to see relatives in New Zealand around the time of her due date as she wanted to be away from home then.

I hope you find the support that you need to cope with this.

Wishing you strength for the coming days and months.

AitchTwoOh · 05/03/2008 10:26

i'm so sorry, peace and healing to you.

kittywise · 05/03/2008 10:30

take care

chipmonkey · 05/03/2008 10:37

Oh, you poor thing! I know the specialist is probably correct but would getting a second opinion make you feel any better about it? Just to reassure yourself that you will be doing the right thing?

BoysAreLikeDogs · 05/03/2008 10:40

So sorry for you

Sending you love and strength

flowerybeanbag · 05/03/2008 10:52

Sorry to hear this.

I went through the same thing, found baby had very severe spina bifida at 21 weeks, would not have survived to term. There is some good advice on here about people to contact, things you might be feeling, but I thought I would share with you exactly what process I went through.

I found out on the Tuesday, had our (late) 20 week scan, was taken up to the foetal medicine place and they rushed about finding me a consultant to talk to, had to wait a while. He went through options, it became clear a termination was really the only one. We had to go home and come back the following day for a scan with the 'right' consultant, to doubly confirm the diagnosis and then to talk through what would happen.

They planned when it would all take place based on when they'd have plenty of staff and when nothing else planned was going on, initially the Saturday then they were able to bring it forward to the Friday.

At the second scan on Wednesday I was there a while, needed to talk it all through then I was given I think it was two pills to take at specific times over the next couple of days. I also had to go shopping to get anything I might need for labour as obviously I hadn't packed my bag yet or anything.

Friday morning went in for 9.00, had to wait ages for a consultant to come in and give me a pessary, then it was basically a case of waiting for things to happen. Midwives were absolutely fantastic, I was put in a room right down the end of the corridor right next to the loo so I didn't have to encounter any happy labouring women. Gradually got more painful, or 'uncomfortable' as they call it, I was sick a couple of times, had some pain relief, then it happened fairly quickly, was all over by about 4.30ish I think. I was able to hold my baby for a while, they dressed him and put him in a little tiny basket, we were given some photos and hand and footprints as well. Bizarrely as well as being obviously devastated, I felt happy as well, when I was holding him, I felt lucky to have been a mum even though he was no longer with us.

I'm crying now, sorry. I just thought that the exact detail of what is probably going to happen might help you, it would have me, I was terrified of labour and those couple of days when I was still pregnant waiting for it all to happen were terrible.

A midwife came to see me the following day at home, I was in a pretty bad state for a while, but it does get easier I promise you. Anniversaries are a bit tricky, try and let people help you if you can, I shut everyone out for a while.

Catzy · 05/03/2008 10:56

I can't tell you how sorry I am for you, its awful. I lost a baby at 20 weeks 6 yrs ago but had to have delivered by section so can't give you any info on induced labour.

You've got alot to deal with going through labour and coming to terms dealing with your loss. Have you got lots of support from family/friends?

It's so very sad and takes time to come to terms with it. It got to me when my due date came around but I would try to concentrate on the next few days. I did get to see my little one afterwards nothing prepared me for how small and perfect he was even at 20 weeks.

Big cuddles to you
xxxx