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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Very distressing news

57 replies

LKC31 · 05/03/2008 10:00

I have not posted to this website before - or any related chat-type site - but right now have received the most distressing news of my life and need to shout about it!
I went for my 20 week scan on Monday which I was feeling very excited about. The sonographer warned there were abnormalities with my baby but referred me to a specialist. Went to see specialist yesterday and found out my baby has a rare, fatal condition he knows nothing about - but do know that there is severe brain damage and a lung blockage which would prevent him/her from surviving. I now have to have an induced labour tomorrow to terminate the pregnancy. I am SO scared its untrue. In addition I am particularly scared about the long term effects and right now can't imagine ever getting over this. Very worried about the summer which my baby was due and how awful that is going to be. When I have searched the internet to find out about what induced labour etc will entail, all I get in response is abortion, unplanned pregnancy, etc which is making me very upset as this pregnancy is so wanted. Has anyone else gone through this? How long does it take to get over such things?

OP posts:

Wisteria · 05/03/2008 10:57

So sorry.

There don't seem to be any words I can find but wanted to post to say I am thinking of you and if my experiences with MN are anything to go by you will find a wealth of experience and support here. Keep posting if you can/ want to.

Do you have plenty of support for tomorrow?

(((hugs)))

sleepycat · 05/03/2008 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PotPourri · 05/03/2008 11:02

I am so sorry to hear your story. Adn wish you all the best in teh coming days and months. Please do come on to mumsnet - the support here is unbeleivable, and there are people who have had similar experiences who can help you get through it.

Blu · 05/03/2008 11:20

I am so very sorry.

And sorry that the circumstances which have broiught you to MN are so sad. But yu are very welcome here, and will find kindness and care and understanding.

bundle · 05/03/2008 11:22

dear LKC31, I'm so sorry about your sad news and hope you can get some support and useful advice here on MN, xxx

Verso · 05/03/2008 17:10

I don't know what to say except that you have my total sympathy. MN people are very kind and there is usually someone here who will listen and help however they can. I am so so sorry to hear about your baby .

marina · 05/03/2008 19:51

Dear LKC31, berolina sent me a mail about your thread. I am sorry such a shocking and upsetting piece of news has brought you to MN. Unfortunately the rather outdated medical references to "abortion" etc do still crop up when you google mid-trimester termination due to fetal abnormalities, but I can promise you that the medical staff who will look after you tomorrow will understand and be utterly sympathetic to your very difficult decision.
My baby had died at 21 weeks so my situation wasn't quite the same as yours, but I still had to have an induced labour to deliver our son. Flowery has described the experience really well, I think. The prospect is horrific and terrifying, but you do get through it, and despite the great sadness, you do treasure the moments with your baby after he/she is delivered. You are still his or her mum.
You can have as much or as little pain relief as you need or want, and you can also ask for valium to help you cope with the wait, which was the worst of it for me. Once labour starts you have something to focus on, at least. You will probably be able to use a special delivery suite for stillbirths, away from the rest of the unit, with a bit more privacy.
As to getting over it, well, that will take a while. First you need to recover from the delivery (faster than you might imagine), and from the awful shock of your baby's death. But learning to live with it takes some time, and that's normal. After you are discharged from hospital, you will feel sad, and angry, and all the other feelings associated with grief. Be kind to yourself and don't expect too much of yourself too soon. Flowery, Humphrey, Habbibu and other Mners who have been through this experience will all testify that life can and does go on after such a devastating blow, and some day you will smile again. Many of us have successfully carried a healthy baby to term subsequently, as well.
SANDS (link below) will be there to support you and will also have lots of practical advice about saying goodbye to your baby, follow-up consultations and tests etc.
Please keep posting - support from people on Mn was so important to me after Tom died, a real sanity saver.
Lots of us will be thinking of you tomorrow. Hope you have good, loving support in RL.

Original poster

LKC31 · 06/03/2008 06:39

I can't believe how much response I have received in such a short space of time - it is so comforting and positive to hear stories from people who have got through this and who have then gone on to have a healthy baby.
I am now just waiting for the hours to pass but kind of saying ggod bye to my baby. I can't believe this time tomorrow I will not be pregnant.
I have decided not to hold my baby as do not want to remember it as a boy or a girl (haven't been told the sex) and my husband has decided the same. But I seem to be the only one to have made this decision so far. I think I will find it too distressing.
Luckily I have an increidbly supportive husband and family who are going through hell themselves.
The part I am most dreading is when the baby was meant to be due (22nd July) and can't face the thought of now being back at work around the time when I was meant to be on maternity leave. In fact I will probably change jobs just to make a new start.
Thank you to every single person who has responded to my message - this is the most useful and comforting help I have received so far.
x

OP posts:

39andcounting · 06/03/2008 06:55

LKC31, I am so so sorry you have to face this awful experience today.

I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. You have had some useful posts on here, and btw well done for talking about it so openly, hopefully you now can go in today having a little more knowledge than before.

I shall be thinking of you today and know that all the posters probably are. We will all be here for you upon your return too.

You are so lucky to have such a supportive DH and family, let them help you through this time.

Hulababy · 06/03/2008 07:51

So sorry

MrsMills · 06/03/2008 07:58

So sorry to hear such sad news.

Please remember that Mumsnet will be here to support you afterwards, you may be a little tacken aback by the support you will find on here.

Will be thinking of you today.

39andcounting · 06/03/2008 19:50

LKC31, have been thinking of you today. It seems an empty question to ask how you are but we all do care.

I know it may be a while before you can face the computer, but at least you can dip in and out of MN when you feel like it.

We wont mind if you've not got your lippy on !

flowerybeanbag · 06/03/2008 19:57

LKC31 I hope you are doing ok after today. We are all thinking of you, glad to hear you have a very supportive family around you.

I hope you get enough time off work. I had about a month off in total I think, very supportive boss at the time. I handed in my notice on the day I went back, so was only there another month, at was at home when the baby would have been due.

I felt I had to leave as I had some medical issues to resolve as a result of what happened, and commuting into London and working ridiculous hours didn't fit in with that, and I couldn't give my job everything it needed at least right then.

If you stay at your current job, or if you go somewhere else maybe take a week off when the baby would have been due, perhaps try and go somewhere with DH and have some quality time, to allow yourself to grieve rather than feeling you have to hold everything in and be 'normal' at work.

Thinking of you.

poppy34 · 06/03/2008 20:36

LKC31 - I have only just seen your thread but cannot tell you how sorry I am for you and your husband to be going through this. I gave birth to our son at 21 weeks after finding out he had abnormalities incompatible with life.

I hope everything went as well as could today - and please feel free to post here. Mumsnet was a lifeline for me when this happened so I hope it can provide you with as much support.

thinking of you and your dh

Catzy · 06/03/2008 21:10

Thinking of you xx

cece · 06/03/2008 21:16

Oh I have just seen this thread.

Sending my hugs and thoughts. I lost my baby at 18 weeks just 3 months ago, so have some understanding of what you are going though...

Hope today gave you some precious time with your much loved baby.

ara · 06/03/2008 21:23

Oh dear, I am so sorry and am thinking of you and your family this evening, sending you love and strength xx

Wisteria · 07/03/2008 10:56

Hope you are ok LKC31 xx

Original poster

LKC31 · 09/03/2008 07:49

Once again - thanks everyone. This is really helping. I have a lot of support but some people don't seem to have the pain I have - my husband is wonderful although he is not nearly as upset as me and his positive is one of the things I love about him but him and his family just seem to think I can just get on with it now.
My Mum went through exactly the same thing when whe was younger and that helps - and hopefully it will help her memories too.
Last night my breasts started filling up with milk which I am finding difficult as really feeling the loss of our baby now having woken up with very painful breasts.
CeCe and Flowery Beanbag - I am sorry to hear your stories but also want to say thanks so much for your detailed explanations of your experiences. Flowery Beanbag - when you left work did you find another job soon enough? And was it a positive thing? I need to leave my job as was feeling very dissatisfied with it but know I cannot be around when the baby was due. I want to make a new start but don't really want to associate it with such a negative experience - does that make sense?

OP posts:

cece · 09/03/2008 08:42

LKC - good to hear from you, I was wondering how things went. This is the worse time now with the milk coming in and your hormones are all over the place. I found my DH coped with it in a different way as well. Don't let him rush you though, take your time to travel through the grieving process.

I took 6 weeks off work and they were very supportive of that. But completely understand if you want a fresh start. You can be signed off sick for as long as you need by your GP. Make sure it is written on you sick note as pg related though as it is treated in a different way to 'normal' sickness/time off.

catzy · 09/03/2008 20:54

LKC31,
I have been thinking of you.

Everyone handles grief differently. Your DH probably thinks he is doing and saying the right things.

When I lost my baby my DH showed very little emotion and I found it very hard to take. It wasn't until 2yrs afterwards while visiting a rememberence site that he broke down. Much as I didn't want to see him upset it was wonderful for me to see his emotion and it meant alot to me (don't know if that makes sense, sounds a bit evil but true). All I can say is try to keep talking and let him know how you're feeling even if you don't get much back.

As well as your grief you have got all the hormones to deal with. It took me a while to get my head around not being pregnant.

Don't know if this helps but passing on my experience.

manitz · 12/03/2008 11:10

hi lkc31. i had termination at 25 weeks last july. am on mat leave which is avail after 24 weeks gestation otherwise you can go on sick leave for as long as you need -i'd take 4 -6 months. can't imagine you are thinking of looking for a job right now? take your time. look after yourself and take it easy - first six weeks were dreadful for me.

have two other kids myself they picked me up and got me going as oldest started school last sept so my life has gone on. Helped enormously to get out and about, if you don't have that yourself you should go on holiday, go for lots of walks, go swimming when you are able or eat chocolate.

dh and others dont understand. I believe you can't expect them to. I knew my little girl and lived with her but she was just a concept to them how can they grieve her? I use forums to talk to people who have been thru same thing - sands has termination section which found v helpful and still do. Helps my therapy and means I don't bang on to people in rl who frankly dont care - in nicest possible way.

I also lived with a sibling with brain damage, she lasted 9 months. all of it was just a matter of survival, nothing about her life was good. that experience definitely helped me make and accept my decision.
take care. x

manitz · 12/03/2008 11:12

i forgot to add my positive note. dh and i got through this and are far closer as a result. it has given us a more laid back attitude to other less significant problems and changed our perspective on life. we are lucky to have two other kids and now understand that luck more fully. x

Katelyn · 12/03/2008 11:12

Did none of these conditions show up on the triple test?

Have my 20 week scan in 2 weeks and thought as my triple test came back ok, everything would be fine - am I wrong and if so what on earth is the triple test for?

So sorry to hear about everyones news.

Twinkie1 · 12/03/2008 11:14

LKC - good to hear from you - don't change jobs just now - take sick leave and get your head together and then maybe hand in your notice - you will at least be being paid whilst you are off - I know that is little confort to you right now.

Thinking of you and your husband.

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