What did you do with 'remains'?

[BananaHammock23]

I recently had an ectopic that resulted in surgery to remove the pregnancy along with my fallopian tube. Before I had the op, I was blindsided with the question about what I wanted to do with the 'remains'... the options were communal cremation (which I didn't like the idea of), private cremation (which I couldn't afford) or taking them home, which is what I chose. Now they're at the hospital ready to collect, I don't really know what to do with them. I thought I'd want to plant them with a tree in a pot in the garden but I hate the thought of them being outside on their own. Same with my initial thought of releasing them in the sea near where I live. I feel like I want them with me but I can't see how I can do that. I'm finding it really difficult and find myself attributing a personality to this tiny baby (I was only 7 weeks) and I feel so heartbroken. Would be great to hear if anyone has any experience. Thanks x

Hi,

I am wondering the same. I have just passed something that isn't a blood clot at home. I miscarried at 9 weeks, it feels wrong for it to go down the toilet 😢

Hi, I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks and we were offered the same options. Funerals are free for anyone aged 17 and under so we only had to pay for the flowers for on top of the ‘coffin’ and had our baby cremated. Hope this helps, thinking of you at this sad time 🤍

The pregnancy that I lost at just under 14 weeks was buried with a cross (my personal preference) and then a rose (David Austin - I chose a rose that had a very small flower, with a scent to it) was planted over it. The rose grew into a massive, beautiful plant.
I don't remember where the holiday was, but I managed to find a couple of terracotta plaques, one of a man and one of a woman (I was still with XH then), which I put on the wall above the rose. It felt like there would always be someone watching over them.

Sorry for your losses @vipersnest1 and @Hampstead16.

Vipers I love the idea of having something watching over them, that's a good idea.

I just can't get this image out of my head of us all being cosy upstairs in bed and them being alone in the garden. Breaks my heart to think about it.

I have to collect the 'remains' on Monday and I'm dreading it because I just don't know what to do.

Also concerned that we have dogs and foxes often visit our garden and if anything happened I'd be beside myself.

It's just all so sad, I can't believe it's happened to us.

I’m so sorry for your ectopic. I had one last year. I’ve also had 4 previous miscarriages, one passed naturally (it was under 8 weeks and was on the toilet so I would have never have been able to see it), two were surgical removals and I opted to have them incinerated as they were less than 12 weeks, and the other was sent for testing due to the recurrent miscarriages. I’m not sure which I picked for that one, I assume they incinerate, but honestly my mind was all over the place so I can’t really remember.

It’s so heartbreaking, take care of yourself.

I was so shocked, the 13 weeker went down the loo. Feel a bit sad about that now. It was 20odd years ago.

Hi OP, I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I'm a funeral arranger. The earliest gestation I had to arrange a funeral for was 9 weeks. Most funeral directors will do the funeral for free, though some may have restrictions on what gestation they will accept. Crematoriums will also usually offer their services for free.

As your baby was less than 24 weeks you would be required to pay for a casket, and I'll be honest here that they're not typically designed for such a young foetus. I think the smallest we could obtain was 12 inches long. The funeral director is obliged to tell you that there may not be any recoverable ashes. This is because ash is from the bones and cartilage of the deceased (and the casket).

If you'd like to bury your baby in the garden with a beautiful rose, but are worried about foxes, you could order an urn from the internet and transfer the remains before you bury it. There are many small ones that would be suitable, and a fox wouldn't be able to open them (provided it's a solid material).

This is a very difficult and painful time for you, so think carefully about what you want to do.

So sorry for your loss. I had a MMC in May this year after finding out at 13 weeks (baby was measuring 10 weeks). Like you, I didn’t like the idea of burial as I wanted to have the baby with me always. We opted for cremation (organised through the NHS) and could choose to be the only people at the ceremony. They didn’t even mention communal ones. I think we paid a small fee but I don’t remember it being very expensive. We got the ashes the next day. I am glad this is the route we opted for.

I've had 9, including a 22 week boy.
I recently found out that you can have a small 'diamond ' made from 5 strands of hair.

I lost my son at 20 weeks and still can't figure out what to do with his remains. They've been in my bedside drawer for nearly two years. That's pretty bad isn't it?

I'm so sorry for all your losses.

This may completely not be your thing, it isn't everyone's but it may be possible to have some jewellery made with your little one incorporated. Then there would be a piece of them close to you always. Places that do ashes or umbilical tissue etc should be able to help.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP

I had 2 ruptured ectopics - both live with heartbeats - like you the first time I was really blindsided as despite being half unconscious I had to decide there and then.

Both times I opted for the communal cremation - it was actually really lovely - held at a local one - there was a hearse and coffin which just gutted me but a lovely service held by the priest - specialist bereavement midwives from the hospital were there and then the ashes were spread on the baby loss garden so at least I have a place to visit

I was actually really comforted by the fact they weren't alone. I miscarried at home several times before and after these ectopics - one at 12 weeks and it always just felt so disrespectful to just flush them away.
It also emotionally was very cathartic and I felt that my experience - and my babies - meant something to someone not just me whereas my miscarriages were done in private alone at home

@JadeLeaves I’ve had mine nearly 2 years as well, he’s still in a box in my bedside table! I like being able to say hi to him. It’s not bad at all 🌺

Oh it was also free I should say - you did have to wait a bit as they were held every 3 months or so

I think an urn is a good idea you could keep inside in your bedroom x

I would have a ring or necklace made with the ashes

So sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I have a range of experience...

I didn't have any remains to keep from my MMC at 11 weeks so bought a bird house and thought seeing the birds enjoy it would bring some good in a sh** situation.

My miscarriage at 7 weeks, I bought a little wooden box for the baby and buried it in a planter in the garden with a rose bush. Initially I had the same feelings as you with the baby being outside (and I cried when it snowed the following day!) but honestly this has brought me so much comfort. The rose bloomed on the baby's due date, and again on my son's (mentioned below) due date. I honestly believe this baby is my guardian angel.

I lost my son at 16 weeks and he is buried at the cemetery.

The Miscarriage Association has some good information on this subject.

I think it's good that you're able to have this option as I think it will bring you comfort later on. It affected me for a long time having nowhere to "go" to remember my first baby.

This page might be helpful op

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/information/miscarriage/after-a-miscarriage/

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences - I'm so sorry for all of your losses. I can't believe so many of us have had to go through this pain.

I think because it was so early I feel a bit silly thinking about any kind of 'funeral' or cremation etc, but I would like something to honour them. An urn is a great idea and something I hadn't considered. This seems like a good option as I could keep it at home with me, or bury it if I decide I can with a rose bush like a few of you have said.

I can't tell you how relieved I feel to not be alone in thinking about this... it's been such an isolating experience and I still feel totally devastated but hoping I can get some peace after I make this decision

My losses were first trimester after heartbeat. In both cases I ticked the box for the hospital to dispose of the remains appropriately. For me neither the sadness nor the comfort, and hope that followed, were in the physical remains.

I realise most of you who've posted felt differently. I'm posting because I want others to know that it's OK if you don't want a separate burial, cremation or other remembrance.

Yes, I did the same. 3/5 of my losses had heartbeats, all within the first trimester. I may have considered something else if it was a late loss. All were disposed of through the hospital. As the product would be less than 2cm, I’m not sure how they would have been able to account for it to be able to give it back to me in any form.

It’s a horrible thing to happen, just do whatever helps. For me, it was thinking of the cells not having the function to replicate properly, and therefore not being able to continue.

I have a massive pot in the garden with a eucalyptus plant called baby blue,or little blue I can't remember, but I was also weirded out by it being alone outside so I put some solar lights in the pot and it really helped me.

The sac came out in the loo with the foetus inside

I scooped it out, put it in a cup and then the fridge

Once I was brave enough I took a look and the sac had dried out leaving the skeletal remains which were very clear to see

We went somewhere to bury him / her and named him / her first

Quite bizarre looking back but there was no way I could in that moment flush the loo

Yes, this is a really good point. There's no "wrong" or "right" in these circumstances so don't put pressure on yourself either way

You're right - we all react differently. I had miscarriages at an earlier stage to the loss I posted about, and the remains were flushed away (how is it they always come out on the loo, or maybe that's just my experience?)
For those losses, I didn't even think about it, but for my later one, I felt more attached, and was also confronted with the baby even though I had already had an ERPC (clearly unsuccessful - they even tried to tell me I might have been carrying twins). It sent me to the edge of sanity, and I don't say that lightly. For that little one, I needed to do something more. That baby would have been twenty five now. I can still recall what they looked like. It's never left me.