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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

I've just miscarried at 20 weeks, feeling lost :(

47 replies

loubpool · 25/02/2008 19:19

i've never posted on one of these before, but im feeling really lost and feel like i've no one to talk to, i was 20 weeks pregnant and started bleeding a little bit friday night, on saturday i was still bleeding and started getting period like pain, my local out of hours doctrs sent me to
hospital, they did a dopplor thing and couldnt find a heartbeat and did a pregnancy test which came back negative, i was confused as anything, then they did a blood test and my HCG level was only 225, hospital sent me home and arranged a blood test for a couple of days later, yesterday i was in bad pain all day and at about 11pm i was wondering what was going on as i felt like a was having contractions, i went to bed and woke up at 2am, wondering why the bed was wet i sat up and felt to see what was going on and the baby had come out, i was too scared to even look and just covered him up with a towel and phoned the hospital, the nurse let me see him properly later on and i could see his eyes, mouth and ears and tiny skinny arms, I feel really alone and dont know how i should feel, i feel like i should be doing something but i dont know what to do, i dont understand why this has happened when i was so far along as they said the baby was perfectly formedfor the stage i was at

OP posts:
pedilia · 25/02/2008 19:22

I am so so sorry for your loss, there are many people here that have been through what you re going and we will be able to give you good advice

MissingMyHeels · 25/02/2008 19:23

Hi Lou

I have no useful advice I'm afraid, just wanted to say that I'm so so sorry this has happened to you, I can't begin to imagine how devastating it must be. Hopefully someone more useful will come along, sending you big virtual hugs in the meantime.

Take care of you x

CrushWithEyeliner · 25/02/2008 19:23

oh L I couldn't not reply to you - I have never been through this but I'm sure lots of people who have will be along to give you lots of advice. You must be in shock. I just wanted to give you a virtual hug and to say that I feel for you and you will get through this xx

Browny · 25/02/2008 19:23

You poor love, I'm so very sorry - I don't know what to say, it much have been such a shock to lose your baby, I truly hope you have all the love and support you need around you... someone will be along I'm sure to help you through this xx.

Dropdeadfred · 25/02/2008 19:25

Oh God, I am so sorry you have to go through that. You will always find people to talk to on here - but do talk to people in real life too. People will probably be waiting for you to talk to them as most people don't know how to begin talking to you about it.
Be strong and don't be afraid to cry, rant and scream at the unfairness of itall.

lulalullabye · 25/02/2008 19:25

so sorry loubpool, no experience of mc that late, but you have to grieve and let it all out.

moodlumthehoodlum · 25/02/2008 19:25

oh poor poor you loub. I'm so so sorry for your loss and the way in which it happened. Like pedilia says, there will be lots of people on here who can relate to what has happened and help.

I have heard from a friend of mine who went through a similar thing that the SANDS website was very helpful.

So sorry.

Mummyof2boys · 25/02/2008 19:26

Im so sorry you poor love, i couldnt read and run, i cant offer any advice either as i havent been through something so tragic, but i want you to know im here if you ever want to chat or you can get me on msn messenger if you just need someone to talk too. [email protected]
x x x

CarGirl · 25/02/2008 19:27

I have never been through a miscarriage but I want to pass on my condolences, I am so sorry for your loss it must be awful, confusing and very sad indeed.

AitchTwoOh · 25/02/2008 19:27

i'm so sorry, loub, your poor wee boy. wishing you peace and love.

oliviaelanasmum · 25/02/2008 19:29

Hi im so sorry for your loss, i have had 2 m/c but at very early stages with none of the trauma you have suffered. Not a very mumsnetty thing to do but sending you (((hugs)))

constancereader · 25/02/2008 19:30

Oh I am so sorry to hear that you lost your little baby.

I lost a baby at this stage too, but it was due to diagnosis of a fatal condition, so a very different situation to yours. Have the hospital given you any idea when they will have some idea what happened? Information can make you feel a little bit more in control.

Have you considered having a funeral for your baby? I hope I am not being insensitive by asking that, it is just that we found it helpful (although obviously heartbreaking at the same time). It is still very early days for you, so be kind to yourself and don't do things until you feel ready. I found SANDS very helpful, they have an online forum too.

Keep posting, thinking of you XX

meandboys · 25/02/2008 19:31

I am so sorry for your sad lose, i really do feel for you as i lost a baby too!

Please take whatever your doctor may offer, as i refused councelling and found it very hard to cope as i also had other things going on in my life at the time.

It wont make everything better but it will help you learn to deal with what has happened

Please take each day as it comes

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} to you!!

constancereader · 25/02/2008 19:33

the sands website

iMum · 25/02/2008 19:33

The sands support line is very helpfull, they have helped me through my stillbirth and subsequent losses.
I am so sorry for you, please dont feel alone-so many women are here thinking of you and you little one.
Keep strong.

Pennies · 25/02/2008 19:34

Oh you poor thing. I can't give any advice but I couldn't just read and not respond. I hope that you've got someone with you helping you through.

Habbibu · 25/02/2008 19:34

I'm so so sorry for the loss of your little boy, loub. It is so heartbreaking to lose a child, and you are in the worst stages of shock and grief just now. I lost my first baby, a little girl, at 21 weeks because her brain and skull hadn't developed properly. At that age they are so perfectly formed and beautiful, it's so hard to let go and say goodbye, never mind try to understand why it happened.

The only advice I can give is to keep talking about it. This is a brilliant forum, but I'd also heartily recommend the SANDS forum: You'll find many wonderful people who have been through the same as you, and who will help and support you in the tough days ahead. It will be very hard for a while, and you should know that your hormones will go through all sorts of changes in the next couple of weeks, so cruelly you may have more ups and downs. But it does get better. You will find a way of dealing with the pain, and it lessens over time, and the peaceful days become more frequent. I still miss Pia, and think about her every day, but her little sister is with us safe and sound now, and I hope that gives you some hope. Much love.

saadia · 25/02/2008 19:35

I'm so sorry loubpool, often they really have no explanation for why this happens. My friend had a very similar experience to you so I have an idea of how awful you must be feeling. I think it would really help to contact SANDS, as moodlumthehoodlum said.

Unfitmother · 25/02/2008 19:36

I's so sorry for your loss.
It's 9 years tomorrow since I lost my son at 22 weeks.
I'm sure you're still in shock at the moment.
What do you feel you should be doing? Right now is not the time to be trying to do anything.
Have you been given a contact such as the Bereavment officer at the hospital to help with funeral arrangements?
If you're feeling lost consider contacting the Miscarrige Association or SANDS for support.
You don't mention a partner, are you going through this alone? I hope you have some family support to help with the practicalities such as telling people.
I'll be at my son's grave tomorrow and will think of you.
Grieving is a process which takes time, I hope you find strength and support from all those who care about you.

hertsnessex · 25/02/2008 19:38

So sorry to hear this. my friend lost her little girl recently at this stage. i know it helps her to talk, and for friends and family remember her daughter. give yourself time, you will have good and bad days. seek out some counselling in due course. Thinking of you.


msappropriate · 25/02/2008 19:39

am so so sorry for you. I lost one much earlier on and that was bad enough.

Please talk to someone. I used Cruse bereavement counselling when my mother died and it really helped to have someone to talk to and offload onto. Even if it was just going through it all again and again. It helps to have someone who has been through what you have been through.

marina · 25/02/2008 19:40

What a horrible shock loubpool, I'm so sorry
The hospital should be doing a number of things to support you, and, if possible, try to find out why your baby died at 20 weeks.
I am not sure from your post whether you were back in hospital when your baby was delivered? Did you have a home visit from the nurse or did you have to take your baby with you?
Anyway, they should be arranging for you to have some blood tests, and some other checks. If you give your consent, they can arrange for a postmortem on your son, which has a roughly 50/50 chance of telling you what happened to him.
The Chaplain will be able to advise you on what kind of farewell you want for your baby. You can have a funeral or quiet blessing, or a non-religious goodbye. You can choose to give him a name, or not. You can ask for the hospital to arrange a cremation for you if you prefer.
SANDS is there to provide support and advice for anyone whose baby is born dead or dies shortly after birth, from 20 weeks' gestation onwards. If the hospital has not put you in touch with them, they are well worth contacting.
Losing a baby in the second trimester of pregnancy is one of those horrible rare events that are little spoken of. It is not until you speak to other mothers that you realise, sadly, that it is commoner than you might think
Is the baby's father around to give you some support in RL?

marina · 25/02/2008 19:41

x-posted, I see lots of other posters have mentioned SANDS too. They really are so helpful XXX

PurlyQueen · 25/02/2008 19:52

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've never been through this but I couldn't leave this post without saying how sorry I was.

loubpool · 25/02/2008 20:02

thanks all of you that have sent messages (and so quick), unfortunatly the father is not around, it would come under the catagory of drunken mistake with ex work colleuge, he was vile when i told him i was pregnant so i dont feel he has the right to intrude on how i feel right now, that might sound selfish but stuff him.
The hospital asked me to sign a consent for for baby to be cremated to our local crem but i am going to phone them in the morning as i would like to have some sort of blessing for him, they did ask me if i wanted them to do an autopsy to find out what went wrong but i feel like he had been through enough and seemed so small to me i couldnt bear the thought of doing that to his tiny body, i have the number of a counsellor through the hospital and im going to get in touch with her tomorrow, i know that im just going through the grievingprocess and i cant stop crying and cant get the picture of him out of my head xx

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