Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I've just miscarried at 20 weeks, feeling lost :(

47 replies

loubpool · 25/02/2008 19:19

i've never posted on one of these before, but im feeling really lost and feel like i've no one to talk to, i was 20 weeks pregnant and started bleeding a little bit friday night, on saturday i was still bleeding and started getting period like pain, my local out of hours doctrs sent me to
hospital, they did a dopplor thing and couldnt find a heartbeat and did a pregnancy test which came back negative, i was confused as anything, then they did a blood test and my HCG level was only 225, hospital sent me home and arranged a blood test for a couple of days later, yesterday i was in bad pain all day and at about 11pm i was wondering what was going on as i felt like a was having contractions, i went to bed and woke up at 2am, wondering why the bed was wet i sat up and felt to see what was going on and the baby had come out, i was too scared to even look and just covered him up with a towel and phoned the hospital, the nurse let me see him properly later on and i could see his eyes, mouth and ears and tiny skinny arms, I feel really alone and dont know how i should feel, i feel like i should be doing something but i dont know what to do, i dont understand why this has happened when i was so far along as they said the baby was perfectly formedfor the stage i was at

OP posts:

Unfitmother · 25/02/2008 20:10

I know the little funeral service I had for my son was the greatest comfort to me. I hope you find the same.
The counsellor is a great idea. I promise that whilst it never goes away, it does get easier.
All the best, x

hertsnessex · 25/02/2008 20:11

my friend also had a small service for her daughter, i think it really helped her.

Habbibu · 25/02/2008 20:16

Loub, you may come to love and cherish that picture in your head, painful as it is now. We are not religious, and so didn't have a service for our daughter. However, we realised that naming her was very important, and we made her part of our home and lives by buying a tree for her, and having her hand and footprints framed.

NorthernLurker · 25/02/2008 20:17

what a terrible shock for you - I'm so sorry you have had such a loss, and have to deal with it alone. My heart goes out to you - do call the counsellor and some of the excellent sources of support linked to here. Do you have any family or friends who can support you in RL?

Original poster

loubpool · 25/02/2008 20:34

i have got friends and family i can talk to, the first person i saw today was my nan who went through a similar experience when she was younder, she lost a boy at 23 weeks so knows how i felt, its not helping that i've fallen out with my best friend lol i know it sounds childish!
i've spoken to my step mum and we have decided to call him Charlie and im going to get a (long living) plant to reember him by, im having to sell my house as cant afford mortgage so a tree would get left behind, has anyone got any ideas for plants that have meanings suitable for its need? xxx

OP posts:

NorthernLurker · 25/02/2008 20:39

Charlie is a lovely name I'm not very good with plants but a quick google has found this - check out the sponsor a fruit tree bit towards the bottom don't know if you are anywhere near - but you might be able to find something similar near you?

StressTeddy · 25/02/2008 20:41

lou - love to you. Well done for talking about a horrible time on here. You will hopefully find support
I wish you a calm and restful night
Keep talking to us darling
x

moodlumthehoodlum · 25/02/2008 20:41

Put the tree in a pot? Then he can go wherever you go? Something like a bay tree or a rosemary bush - people say that Rosemary is for remembrance.

Habbibu · 25/02/2008 21:08

Charlie is a lovely name. We kept Pia's tree (a Japanese maple) in a pot, and brought it with us when we moved. I think moodlum's idea of rosemary is lovely, as it's green all year round and smells so wonderful - it will be a lovely reminder of your son's short but precious life.

JaamyButty · 25/02/2008 21:13

Lou - am so sorry to hear about the loss of your little boy, Charlie.

Look after yourself and keep talking to friends and on MN - hope that you will get through the shock and be able to manage the grief.

Take care of you.

ClairePO · 25/02/2008 21:56

Lou I'm so sorry. A tree to take with you sounds such a good idea. I'm glad you have a loving supportive family around you, tae care and come back to talk anytime.

Beauregard · 25/02/2008 22:01

I am so sorry Loui cannot imagine how you must feel.

Charlie is a lovely name for your little boy,bless him.

CantSleepWontSleep · 25/02/2008 22:02

What a horrible thing to go through loubpool. I'm very sorry for your loss.

pollywobbledoodle · 25/02/2008 22:26

Oh, Loub, i lost my little billy at 20 weeks 6 years ago.....i had a few days to adjust to losing him in advance of the actual miscarriage (my waters had broken) ...he was perfect...i can't imagine how awful just waking to find it had happened....

I had the good fortune to be in a hospital with a good bereavement service...i didn't want a counsellor at the beginning but was glad that i changed my mind...the space to talk things through and think about what we wanted was invaluable....

i don't know if it is too late but i got great comfort from the handprints, footprints and photos we had done at the time and from writing a letter to him to go in the casket and the service at the crematorium was very moving

At the time i was very loathe for him to have an autopsy but i had already had one miscarriage and was over 40 so i felt i needed to find out what i could so we had it done

don't feel that you have to be any way....dh dealt with it by turning the compost over and over whilst i wanted to think and talk...everyone is different...do what you need to do to get through it....is the situation with your best friend salvageable?

with heartfelt best wishes...

hatrick · 26/02/2008 00:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

marina · 26/02/2008 09:04

Rosemary is a lovely idea - it symbolises remembrance.
I'm so glad you have your stepmum around to help you through this sad time loubpool. Charlie is a lovely name.
I hope the hospital continue to give you plenty of support XXX

cmotdibbler · 26/02/2008 09:25

I'm so sorry to hear about Charlie.

I had three mcs, and find a lot of comfort in the necklace I had made with a little footprint on heart charm and the birth stones for each baby.

I am very at the way you were treated by the hospital btw. It is totally unacceptable that you were sent home like that.

The hospital chaplains are always lovely, understanding, and willing to talk things over whenever you want to.

jellybeans · 02/03/2008 20:21

I am so sorry for the loss of your little boy, charlie. (((hugs))) xxx I lost my little girl last year at 20 wks and her sister at 23 wks a few years earlier. It has been a rough road but time helps as does having a place to go to remember my girls and being able to talk to others who have been there. My girls are buried together and with other babies, it's so peaceful yet sad to go there. I found sands amazing and feel less alone there. I am thinking of you xx

berolina · 02/03/2008 20:26

Only just seen this. I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. x

Catzy · 04/03/2008 20:08

I went through a similar thing 6 years ago, although my baby had to be delivered by section.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

From my experience I remember being in complete shock for the first week, I still felt pregnant and pretty much carried on as if nothing had happened (apart from having surgery). I didn't really feel anything, it felt very unreal. It wasn't until after about a week that I began to accept it.

It took me a while to be able to say goodbye. Looking back it helped me to name my baby and eventually we planted a tree in our back garden in memory. I often go and talk to that tree (god knows what the Neighbours think) but it makes me feel close.

I don't know your circumstances but it helps to have a supportive partner, family/friends. Make sure you have someone you can talk to.

After surgery I found out the reason this happened was a problem with me and not the baby. Hard as this was to know, it did help me to find out why and gave me a bit of closure.

The other thing I think helped, was the hospital allowed my to see my baby again after a few days and this helped to make it real. I'd seen him after it happened but was a bit numb to take any of it in.

Everyone deals with loss differently and you can only follow your own instinct but I thought it might help to hear the memories of my experience.

Time is a healer (i hate that saying)but it's the only one I can use. I've gone on to have 2 beautiful son's. There isn't a day when I don't think about my little baby boy but the only positive thing I can say, is that there also isn't a day when I don't look at my son's that are with me and appreciate how lucky I am.

Take care and please make sure you get support.

xxx

snooks · 04/03/2008 20:23

Oh loubpool, just seen this. I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your son Charlie. Life can be so cruel, I hope you are able to find some comfort in the words that kind people here have posted. My mc last year at 9 weeks was devastating enough, I can only imagine your heartbreak at this loss. I wish I had the words to express myself better at this time, but I am thinking of you xxx

taliac · 05/03/2008 19:42

So sorry also.. We lost our little baby at around the same point, and even though I now have two beautiful girls I still sometimes think about the baby we never had. Its okay to not know what to feel, and its okay to cry all the time. I did. It does get better with time, I promise.

Do take advantage of the counsellor, and most hospitals also have what they call bereavement midwives who can advise you on any practical problems you might be experiencing. I found the fact that my milk came in a few days after miscarrying very distressing - if you experience that or any other physical issues the midwife looking after your case at the hospital might be able to offer advice or support.

Sending lots of love.. x

Flip

1 2