Friends aren't helping...

[BuzzieBo]

I miscarried my first pregnancy at just over 11 weeks just over a month ago. I found it really difficult, but taking one step at a time and feeling better.

The main thing I'm struggling with now is that two of my closest friends have just announced that they are both pregnant. One knows I miscarried and one doesn't. We see each other a lot and also all work together so there's no getting away.

The constant pregnancy talk between them and to me is just awful! I try and smile and be part of the conversation because I'm happy for them and understand their excited but everytime it kills me inside...I wish so badly I was pregnant with them! It feels so unfair!

@BuzzieBo oh gosh how difficult and sad for you. Really sorry for your loss and also sorry that you are having to be confronted with this while your grief is so fresh.

You sound like you are being so sweet in trying to join them in their excitement etc but actually, they (particularly the one who knows about your loss) are being really insensitive.

I think if it were me I would need to gently say something. I understand you don't want to burn any bridges, and especially because you are also colleagues as well as friends. But you are well within your rights to just say (via email if that's easier and less confrontational), "I am genuinely so pleased for you both that you are pregnant and I have been trying really hard to join in your chats, however, I have unfortunately very recently had a miscarriage and I am just finding it too painful to be confronted with this all the time. Is there any chance that the baby talk could be kept to a minimum when I'm around until I feel in a bit of a better place?"

This is not selfish of you at all and I feel that true friends would be devastated to know how hurt you have been by it and would absolutely try to minimise what you have to hear. If they can't do this for you or don't react in a kind positive way, then they may not be the friends you think they are.

Sending you a massive hug. X

Hi @SnookyPook

Thanks so much for your reply, I'm feeling pretty alone right now so it's so helpful.

I think I might need to do what you've said. I didn't want too but I'm finding it so hard. Made an excuse to leave work today because I just can't stand being there.

I've always thought of myself as a pretty resilient and strong person and I hate to admit that I'm struggling but this really has got me bad.

Oh bless you it's so so hard. I know exactly what you mean, I also think of myself as very resilient but am trying to be kind to myself about how much this has hit me as it really is a loss like no other. Mine was a MMC detected at 11+5 after some spotting - unfortunately baby had stopped developing at 7+5. 😔

If you think it would be helpful to chat with some others in the same situation I've had a few replies on a thread I started and I'm finding it really helpful to share the grief and all the jumble of thoughts that I think only others in this situation can fully understand. Here's the link in case: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/miscarriage/4787467-this-forum-seems-so-quiet?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Big hugs xx

I've been there and have had to tell a few friends that I need to take a step back from speaking or hanging out. It was very hard to do, but actually also lovely because my friends were all so good about it, as they knew I'd had an extremely hard time. I felt rotten doing it, but you need to do what's best for yourself, so you don't end up feeling hurt or resentful. Obviously if you work with them this is harder, but I agree with the above poster, just drop them a message and let them know what you need.

FYI....I spoke to them both today and I feel like the conversation went really well. Turns out one of them has also had a miscarriage!! God why don't we talk about this more, it happens to so many women!

Just wanted to say thanks for the advice 😊

@BuzzieBo oh I'm so glad! And it's incredible isn't it. Since having my miscarriage I've found out that several women close to me have had them and I never knew. It really is madness that it isn't more spoken of.

Hopefully this will be the start of a whole new layer of friendship for you all and they will be able to be more sensitive to where you're at right now too. 💕