So sad to lose our little soldier

[Wannabeamummybad]

I can't believe I'm writing to a bunch of strangers but somehow I feel that when I send this into the world, some of you wonderful women will understand exactly what I'm going through.

I'm heartbroken. We'd been trying for a while. Scan after scan of my lady parts. I had a fibroid, cyst then a polyp. We were referred for IVF. I was excited. But before seeing a consultant, I found out I was pregnant. I knew the first day of my expected period- I'm very hypersensitive about my body and I just knew. But I was also afraid because of the polyp (which I was told had cleared).

I was very bloated and feeling sick but soldiered on. Had a scan at 6 weeks. Strong heart and growing to plan. Hubby was excited. I was cautious. I think I was trying to protect my heart as there is nothing I want to be more than a mother.

I'd told my employer at 7 weeks because of previous long Covid and needing a close watch and therefore time off work.

Around a week ago, I told hubby to make an appointment for Monday. I just said I wanted to check that all is well. I felt a little pain on my left ovary but reading online it was 'normal' but something just felt different. My doctors sent me to see a nurse rather than dr and I expressed my concerns which she at first looked like she'd dismiss but eventually arranged for me to have a scan 3 days later.

We went for the scan at lunch. Expecting a 30 minute appointment. The lady conducted the scan (ultrasound) externally but said she needed to do an internal one. She then conducted that but kept trying different directions. And she kept turning the probe.

Finally, she said she needed to get a colleague to observe. She left the room. I looked at hubby and said something must be wrong. He said, no way, it's likely a student nurse coming to observe. The continued with the scan and eventually she delivered the news. There was no heart beat. The sac was intact and they estimated 8 weeks and 2 days. Today would have been 9 weeks and 1 day. I went into shock. It's hard to explain. I'd always wanted a girl and hubby wanted a boy but I just remembered in that moment crying for my poor son. I know it's an early loss but to me it's my son. I know miscarriages are not that super uncommon at 37 but the loss transcends logic. I never admitted to myself how much I'd wanted to he a mum because loss or failing to conceive would crush me. I come from a very abusive family and I think I've always wanted my own family with my hubby. It is very important to me. We can't choose where we come from but we can aim to create and protect. I know this is completely illogical but I'm devastated and feel so guilty that I couldn't provide my son safe passage into the world. I feel so devastated that he has never seen the light of day. Had I not heard his heart strong just 2 weeks ago, maybe it would be different. The worst thing is that the miscarriage process is yet to start moving. I've been given meds to make it happen in 48 hours yet it feels barbaric and as though I'm evacuating my son. And I have to tell my boss about it as I need at least 1 week to 2 weeks off (Dr said).I regret telling them early. I can't help but wonder weather walking an hour a day contributed to this. Or being unable to eat more than twice a day. I wonder if I willed this by complaining about how rough being pregnant was. Or because I kept telling hubby that I felt it was risky. Or because last night, whilst I could not sleep, I bought maxi period pants in case I ever miscarry. Or if, when I fell on my butt (small fall) I caused the miscarriage. I let myself get excited before 12 weeks and now I'm left to return the maternity clothes. Only one friend knew I was pregnant because she is a gp and would give medical advice. It feels lonely. Sp very lonely. As I returned from the hospital, I cleared the house of all pregancy related clothes and I've get them in the car to return. I booked us a hotel straight away so we can spend the weekend in the Peak district as I can't bear to be at home. I'll ask hubby to take Monday and Tuesday off as I can't be alone. I'm too consumed with grief. Is this normal? Has anyone ever felt so strongly about an early loss? Felt as though they've lost a child? A grief that's hard to share because no one has met him or knew of him yet you've carried him. He is still inside of me. I'm so broken.

We still have the option of IVF but that gives no comfort right now.

I'm so sorry this is so long. It's 3 hours after I got the news.

Hello, I am so sorry to hear of your loss and pain. I had a miscarriage in January at 12 weeks, 2 days before our 12 week scan and before we due to tell our friends and family and start celebrating. Our hearts broke that day and I don't think they'll ever be completely whole again. I understand completely the feeling and pain of an early loss. No matter how early it is still a loss, we lost a baby, no matter how small or young they were they were still our babies.
I also came home from the hospital and asked my husband to hide all my belly butters, folic acid and vitamins, anything pregnancy related. Like a dagger to the heart the next day arrived in the post something I had ordered to make the announcement to our families, I blamed myself for ordering it, I should have waited until after the 12 week scan, I had jinxed it by ordering stuff too early. I also kept re-living the day before in my mind, what had I done that might have caused it? what did I eat, drink? For me it was different as I hadn't had an early scan, so I have no idea when my little one actually passed away, they might have passed away weeks before the physical miscarriage, whilst this is a horrible thought it did help me a little bit, not to look back and wonder ''what if I did something to cause it the day before'', I simply didn't know the exact moment it happened so I couldn't possibly know what caused it.
I also completely relate to your feeling of taking the pill needed, mine started naturally but after 2 weeks I had to take the pill as it hadn't completed, I remember sitting for what felt like hours holding the pill in my hand in tears. It was the last thing I wanted, I wanted a baby and it felt so unnatural taking what is effectively the abortion pill. This was torment. I had to keep reminding myself that is was for the best, that I wanted to have children and would try again and to do that I needed to ensure everything was healthy.
I really hope the process is over quickly for you and not too uncomfortable, take as much time as you need off to process this, I took a week off after it happened but then wanted to get back to work to give me something to focus on but everyone is different. I'm not sure if you have one or if you want to display it, but we got a scan photo from the hospital when I was admitted, at that point there was only a small amount left but it was in the shape of a heart. I propped this up next to a single daffodil in a vase when I got home to remind myself not of the loss, but of the love. I wanted to forget the whole thing but not my little baby, they will be remembered and loved forever.

Hi Louloulabby

Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so sorry for your loss. If I could, I'd hug you right now.

Reading your story my heart is both broken for you and comforted. Your retelling of your experience is filled with love for your little one, but hope for the future. I love how you wanted to remember your little one as much as the experience was harrowing. I'll try and do the same for ours.

Although in my weak moments I'm still combing my brain for what went wrong, hubby is reminding me that sometimes bad things happen even when we do everything to try and prevent them. I hope you have peace now and no longer wonder too much. I am finding peace. Grief, I'm realising, is truly love disguised, and I'm glad that we both got to have and keep the scan of our little ones.

Your story has really encouraged me and I am sending you positive thoughts and hoping that if your still plan to be a mummy, it happens for you soon. I'm hoping it happens for us. I hope you feel comforted and that you are enveloped in love. I'm realising how difficult this journey can be and I'm wishing us both strength for our next chapters. ❤

So sorry to read this. You didn't do anything wrong, I know this won't make you feel any better but you didn't.
I've been through this at 16 weeks, it's heartbreaking but I was ok.
I know it's a cliche but rest, look after yourself and have some comfort food.
Thinking of you.

Hi Op -
I went through a missed miscarriage in October after an IVF cycle, I remember the grief hit me like a train a million times over (still does every now and then), we have been trying for 5 years so I finally thought this was our time which I think made the grief totally all encompassing. I ended up being signed off work for 5 weeks (please do if that’s what you need) I totally totally understand what you mean about the grief being hard to explain / share as you are the only one that carried them. Please know that you did not cause this at all.
I hope the process of miscarrying is not too uncomfortable for you, mine started at home naturally whilst I was actually waiting for an appointment to get the pills and probably lasted for the majority of the afternoon late into the evening, and whilst it was horrible I felt like I saw my pregnancy right through to the end if that makes sense.
One thing I did was buy a mini jellycat rabbit in the colour of what would have been their birth month (green for may) I keep it next to a candle which I light when I feel sad/ miss them.
Sending you love and light ❤️

Thank you so much, I feel the love and hugs and they are appreciated and being sent right back at ya! xx

Miscarriage is shit at any stage. Nobody can say you shouldn't feel so devastated because it was an early loss. If it hurts, it hurts.

So many of us have had miscarriages and gone on to have babies that it is almost normal. Doesn't make it any less painful for each of us.

Nothing you did caused this. It's just biology. Just as all your gyne issues are biology, not your fault. None of this is your fault. You're doing your best with the biology you've got. Please don't blame yourself, or second-guess yourself. Please be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve.

Do you want to be told what the miscarriage will feel like? I found it helpful, but I know not everyone wants details. If you do want to know, the midwife should be able to tell you, or we here can, if you prefer.

Ladies, you've been like angels to me right now. I know this grief will leave it's mark but it's good not to feel so alone and to be able to share and feel understood. Hubby is so supportive but nothing beats hearing from those who've walked the same road. Thank you so much for your kindness.

I've just come back from a 2.5 hour walk in the Peak District where I escaped to the same day we found out. I couldn't bear to stay in the same house we dreamt to raise our little one this weekend. I'm in a lot of pain (even physically because i think my body is starting to recognise the liss) and coming back to the hotel and feeling so sad, your messages have really lifted me. Thank you so much x

@Kilos. So sorry for your loss, esp at 16 weeks. Thank you. I will definitely rest and take it easy. I'm currently trying to stuff my face, nausea allowing. Hearing you were OK in the end is really encouraging Xx

@Watermelonsugarbye Thank you for sharing. Glad you took that time out. I really like how you remember your little one. It's so beautiful. I'll do something similar. IVF can be rough. Sending you light and love and hoping that if you are still trying, you get to be a mummy. Xx

@louloubaby Thank you xx

@WashAsDelicates Your words are exactly what I needed to hear and I teared up reading them. But I also feel encouraged because as you say, biology is shit, but others go on to still have children so I won't lose hope. Thank you so much for reminding me it's not my fault.

Yes, please share your experience if you don't mind. X

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I don't have any experience and don't really have anything productive to add but you write so eloquently and I could feel your pain through your words. I'm so, so sorry for your your loss.

I'm so so sorry for your loss, and please take the time to grieve and be kind to yourself.
I hope the following will help in some way as personally I find it reassuring. It is meant with love and I hope you don't find it insensitive in any way.
With a miscarriage it's easy to blame yourself or your body. To think it's failed at a natural task. But actually I think it's important to recognise it is actually doing its job perfectly. It's doing exactly what it is supposed to do. The vast majority of miscarriages (especially within 1st trimester) occur not because of things we do wrong, but because the quality of the fertilised egg is poor. Even if they manage to the point of a living fetus with a heart beat, the chances of them making it to a breathing baby are non existent. Your body knows this right from the start, and does what it is supposed to do. You didn't lose your future child, because the fetus inside you never had the chance of reaching that stage. The development has failed, and the body will then take over, just as biology has designed it to do.

It doesn't stop it being devastating. It doesn't stop you loving the baby you have lost. And nor should it. But don't hate yourself or your body for doing exactly what it is built to do. Be kind to yourself. Take time and practice self love (rather than recriminations).

Good luck for the future xx

OK, here goes.

When I miscarried at 10w it was like a super-heavy and prolonged period. For the most part it was actually less painful than my normal periods, with none of the nausea or bloating that I would normally get with a period. I did get cramps, but not all the time. The midwife explained that you get cramps when your body is expelling clots: the bigger the clot, the harder your body has to work, so the more intense the cramping. Ordinary OTC painkillers and a hot water bottle helped, but IIRC the cramp phase did not last more than a few days.

I did not see anything other than clots and blood.

Your body will still be flooded with hormones, so you may still 'feel' pregnant, even after the bleeding stops. You can ask for a blood test at the EPU to check your hormones. I did this, and it reassured me that I was not pregnant. I know that sounds silly, but it gave me closure, I suppose.

Other things that helped me were being open about my situation, and telling people that I did not want to be left alone. Some older people (eg my ILs) find openness about miscarriages weird, a thought they ought to be private, secretive things. That's their problem, not yours.

I did not wait to start trying again. The only reason AFAIK to wait one cycle is to help date the next pregnancy. So we started again as soon as I felt able.

((Hugs))

I am so sorry for your loss. I haven't suffered it myself, I can only imagine how devastating it would be. I imagine that I would feel similarly to you, and just wanted to say that its not your fault. Nothing you did (or didn't do) contributed to your loss in any way. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Please be kind to yourself, and DH, take all the support you can get at this devastating time. Wishing you luck OP, and a healthy baby in the future, a healthy baby to all those trying.

@Shalumf Thank you for your lovely, I found writing down how I felt quite cathartic. x

@Maraudingmarauders Reframing it like that definitely helps. I think grief doesn't bend to logic, but logic is clearing the fog in respect of the future as I keep reminding myself that I won't be frozen in time. As you say, the knowledge doesn't take the pain away but I'm trying to reframe it all for my sanity. Really appreciate you taking time to write what you did. X

@WashAsDelicates I was so afraid of what's coming. It's difficult feeling like running far from impending danger yet it actually looms within you. Thanks for sharing your experience because it has demystified it for me and taken some of the fear away. So sorry you too had to go through that. I honestly have a renewed respect for the challenges women face. I'm grateful for people like you who can pass on your experiences and share compassion during times like this. So thank you so much for sharing. I agree about the older generation in my limited experience. The one lady I spoke to is a lot older and suggested I never share about this but sharing here is so healing and I'll work out what feels right for me in time too, I hope. I'm also encouraged about trying again. Can't thank you enough xx

@HildasLostSock Thank you so much. We'll definitely keep trying one we overcome the current hurdle. Thank you so much for the good wishes, and your kind words generally x

I can't do anything but say I'm so sorry for your loss and that you did nothing to cause it.

Be kind to yourself 💐

@Wannabeamummybad Just to say I’m so sorry my dear . I’ve had two sadly…
no one really understands that specific pain of miscarriage and infertility unless they ve been through it

Seeing my SIL have a beautiful baby same time I was miscarrying and then not being able to have a baby for two years , made me think of suicide

Nothing ever I’ve gone through has ever been as bad as this

i have kids now (1st with IVF) and all is forgotten (unless something triggers it)

I know you ll get your baby soon.. hang in there x

@Gremlins101 Thank you so much. I'm trying to be. A change of scenery is really helping. x

@NotLovingBrocolli I am so sorry your path to motherhood was paved with such pain. I completely understand what you mean about the contrast. A friend we know, who does not know what we are going through, is having her second and I'm so happy for her but it's hard hearing how easy it is for her and that they hardly had to try (pregnant on the first cycle both times etc.). Life (& the fertility lottery) can be cruel and I'm mustering up all the joy I can manage for her, whilst being kind enough to myself. Social media is out of the question for me now. I just can't bear it. 😢 I am the kind of person that loves to see others happy and get what they want in life but my withdrawal right now is just to protect my own heart which is fragile right now. I'm usually the one that holds everyone up and everything together and so I feel adrift. But it's hearing experiences like yours that helps me remember that behind these stormy clouds, the sun waits to shine on our faces. That there is hope. I'm so happy to hear you got to be a mummy. At 37 I'm really really hoping we still have enough time. Thank you for your kind words. Really appreciated Xx

@Wannabeamummybad how are you doing today? Been thinking of you.

Op l am so very sorry for your loss, l too lost 3 pregnancies one at 11/12 weeks, and two ectopics.
l then went on to have two DCs without intervention at age 37 and 39.
There is hope.
I grieved for the losses, and for me what helped was to light a candle for each and spend a few minutes daily, thinking about it, having a cry, accepting the loss and that fact that they were not meant to be, feeling the sadness then having a cup of coffee and getting on with my day.
If that resonates perhaps something similar could help you?
Lastly you will not always feel so heartbroken, it does pass.

@kilos Thank you so much. Really appreciate that. I'm very fragile but hopeful. One moment I'm fine, then I tear up reading all about Rihanna announcing her pregnancy. Happy for her and all the fabulous mummies out there, but just fragile right now.

But most of all, thankful for the support on this forum as it has honestly kept me standing and I'm planning to start trying again soon. We're on the IVF list and so should start that in a month or so. I'd love to try naturally again but after what's happened hubby wants us to wait for all the testing and monitoring that comes with IVF.

What this experience has taught me is how much I want to be a mum. And what you ladies have taught me is that despite how gut wrenching and heart breaking something like this is, there is hope. So, thank you so much for thinking of me.

We've spend 3 days away from home now and I have this week off. In some ways I'm more determined more than ever. I need to lose 10lbs (I'd gained that much after I got pregnant) so that I'm well within the IVF recommended weight. I've a lot of work to do but I'll take each day as it comes. I think I'm ready to face this in my own environment now and i couldn't have done it without the encouragement and kindness of all you fabulous ladies Xx

@Rafferty10 Your words encourage me more than you know. I'm definitely going to try again. Most of all, I like how you remember your little ones. I'm a big fan of mindfulness and so I'll try that. I think facing grief right on is the way forward for me, so I'll try something similar.

I'm so sorry that you had losses on the way to having your little ones. I'm so happy that you got to have your rainbow babies. That is so encouraging and so beautiful.

I keep saying it but the encouraging words here and helping to mend my broken heart. I know that over time I'll hopefully only remember the positive experiences through this. I also never realised I'd be this capable of love. To love a little one I'd not even held more than anything is very humbling. Xx

I’m so sorry too, I do know how it feels, utterly heartbreaking 💔
I was a midwife, I had a very late missed miscarriage and I couldn’t get my head around it at all. That was 44 years ago, my second pregnancy.
Back then scans etc weren’t available, only in very few cases did pregnant women get a scan.
I was 19 weeks pregnant when I started miscarrying, I was told to stay in bed. This went on for a week until it became very obvious it was inevitable.
I was scanned, told the baby was 9 week size.
I had a surgical procedure and was just numb for weeks afterwards. I went on to have my DS.
Give yourself time, time to grieve, accept it was inevitable and, as @Maraudingmarauders says it just wasn’t to be however devastating that is.
At my check up I was told that the baby had defects completely incompatible with life, it helped a little although I still kept wondering what I’d done to cause it - the answer is nothing, absolutely nothing. It’s as nature intended.
Sending you hugs x

@MavisFlump Thank you so much for sharing that. I'm so sorry to hear what you went through and to find out at 19 weeks. That's tough and I can relate to how you described you felt.

At the moment mornings are hardest as I almost have to remember what has happened and the tears just flow. I thought I was doing much better until my hubby had to return to work this morning and I just couldn't stop crying.

Currently I'm off work and hubby is working from home (Except this morning). I can't be alone. I'm signed off for 2 weeks. I planned to return next week (after a week) but it depends on how strong I feel mentally and I've got a counselling session on Friday.

I've tended to be the strength and backbone of everyone in my immediate vicinity it's strange to feel so fragile and needy. But messages I've received here honestly help put me back together during the day. I've accepted that it'll just need more time. More time for me to get used to it, to heal, to try again. I'm being as present as possible as I don't want to displace my feelings only to get stuck with the trauma. I'm trying to process how I feel. It's comforting in a strange way to think that it was inevitable. That's one of the great things I've gotten from this thread, understanding that I didn't cause it. It'll take more of repeating that to myself for the lesson to stick but I'm confident it will.

Thank you so much for taking time to share. It is the sum of kind words like yours that are helping me along with the healing I desperately need. xX

🤗
However you feel is right for you, there’s no right or wrong way to get through this.
‘….Feeling fragile and needy…’ that’s strange for you but totally understandable, accept all the support you can from anywhere it’s offered.
Don’t even contemplate work until you’re ready, accept things will take time x

@Wannabeamummybad hope you're doing ok.
Glad to hear you have 2 weeks off, I think this will help even if it doesn't feel like it.
Mornings are the worst as, like you say, it all comes flooding back to you.
What helped me was getting out each day, even if just for a walk, I think exercise can heal a lot even if you don't realise it.
Please keep chatting on here if it's helps you

@MavisFlump Thank you. I'm trying to do that. Today I'm trying to focus on physically healing. My body is still in pain. I have no appetite but I'm taking all my supplements including propolis and royal jelly. I'm trying to focus on getting my internal organs healed again as it gives me a goal and something to focus on. I don't feel like eating so i won't force myself but I'll eat when i can manage it X

@kilos I'll try starting my walks again this weekend. I'm in too much pain for now but hopefully by the weekend it should get better. I'm taking dihydrocodeine for the pain. It's meant to be 6 times a day but given its addictive I'm trying to limit it to 2 and max 3. That means there are times I'm sat down in pain. But it's encouraging to know that after a week or two it should settle.

I want these next 6 weeks to bring their healing so we can see a consultant and start getting the health help we need. The great thing is that this horrible experience has made me realise that although I've generally tended to focus on career, having a family is more of a priority than anything else to me. I love creating a family with hubby and I'm open to what that will look like. Honestly, without the ladies here, I don't think I'd have this moments of feeling hopeful after the most traumatic experience I've ever had. This is really helping and I'm so thankful 😍

I'm sorry to hear this OP and sending hugs to you and all other PPs who have shared their experiences here.

I had a missed miscarriage in my first pregnancy at around 9 weeks. I booked a private scan at 6 weeks because I was so excited and anxious after fertility treatment and the scan showed a foetus with a heartbeat but also lots of large, cystic growths. They suspected a molar pregnancy (turned out not to be, no idea what caused the growths) and I had to go to the hospital for multiple scans until the heartbeat stopped at around 9 weeks.

The most important thing I held on to was that nothing about the miscarriage was my fault. As a PP said, it's a natural process that happens in a lot of pregnancies. That doesn't make it any less painful, but I found it easier once I accepted that it really is something that could happen to anyone and that I was in no way to blame.

You're doing brilliantly by talking about how you feel and there are many here who understand what you're going through. My advice is to let yourself cry and grieve and talk about it, it is a really painful thing to go through physically and mentally.

But also make sure that you look after yourself and try to do things you enjoy once you're physically more recovered and you feel ready- I sort of punished myself a bit after my loss and felt like I was somehow wrong or unfeeling for enjoying things or feeling happy and started feeling much better once I gave myself permission to forget about it for a bit. I found getting out in nature hugely cathartic- I used to go for long walks by myself in beautiful places, sometimes had a bit of a cry but there's something about the fresh air and the sun shining down on you that's quite healing in my experience.

I still feel sad about it sometimes six years on (I've had a bit of a tear-up writing this post!) but the rawness and frequency of these feelings has gradually diminished over time.

Sending hugs again. Always here to listen, I really know how hard it is.