I can't believe I'm writing to a bunch of strangers but somehow I feel that when I send this into the world, some of you wonderful women will understand exactly what I'm going through.
I'm heartbroken. We'd been trying for a while. Scan after scan of my lady parts. I had a fibroid, cyst then a polyp. We were referred for IVF. I was excited. But before seeing a consultant, I found out I was pregnant. I knew the first day of my expected period- I'm very hypersensitive about my body and I just knew. But I was also afraid because of the polyp (which I was told had cleared).
I was very bloated and feeling sick but soldiered on. Had a scan at 6 weeks. Strong heart and growing to plan. Hubby was excited. I was cautious. I think I was trying to protect my heart as there is nothing I want to be more than a mother.
I'd told my employer at 7 weeks because of previous long Covid and needing a close watch and therefore time off work.
Around a week ago, I told hubby to make an appointment for Monday. I just said I wanted to check that all is well. I felt a little pain on my left ovary but reading online it was 'normal' but something just felt different. My doctors sent me to see a nurse rather than dr and I expressed my concerns which she at first looked like she'd dismiss but eventually arranged for me to have a scan 3 days later.
We went for the scan at lunch. Expecting a 30 minute appointment. The lady conducted the scan (ultrasound) externally but said she needed to do an internal one. She then conducted that but kept trying different directions. And she kept turning the probe.
Finally, she said she needed to get a colleague to observe. She left the room. I looked at hubby and said something must be wrong. He said, no way, it's likely a student nurse coming to observe. The continued with the scan and eventually she delivered the news. There was no heart beat. The sac was intact and they estimated 8 weeks and 2 days. Today would have been 9 weeks and 1 day. I went into shock. It's hard to explain. I'd always wanted a girl and hubby wanted a boy but I just remembered in that moment crying for my poor son. I know it's an early loss but to me it's my son. I know miscarriages are not that super uncommon at 37 but the loss transcends logic. I never admitted to myself how much I'd wanted to he a mum because loss or failing to conceive would crush me. I come from a very abusive family and I think I've always wanted my own family with my hubby. It is very important to me. We can't choose where we come from but we can aim to create and protect. I know this is completely illogical but I'm devastated and feel so guilty that I couldn't provide my son safe passage into the world. I feel so devastated that he has never seen the light of day. Had I not heard his heart strong just 2 weeks ago, maybe it would be different. The worst thing is that the miscarriage process is yet to start moving. I've been given meds to make it happen in 48 hours yet it feels barbaric and as though I'm evacuating my son. And I have to tell my boss about it as I need at least 1 week to 2 weeks off (Dr said).I regret telling them early. I can't help but wonder weather walking an hour a day contributed to this. Or being unable to eat more than twice a day. I wonder if I willed this by complaining about how rough being pregnant was. Or because I kept telling hubby that I felt it was risky. Or because last night, whilst I could not sleep, I bought maxi period pants in case I ever miscarry. Or if, when I fell on my butt (small fall) I caused the miscarriage. I let myself get excited before 12 weeks and now I'm left to return the maternity clothes. Only one friend knew I was pregnant because she is a gp and would give medical advice. It feels lonely. Sp very lonely. As I returned from the hospital, I cleared the house of all pregancy related clothes and I've get them in the car to return. I booked us a hotel straight away so we can spend the weekend in the Peak district as I can't bear to be at home. I'll ask hubby to take Monday and Tuesday off as I can't be alone. I'm too consumed with grief. Is this normal? Has anyone ever felt so strongly about an early loss? Felt as though they've lost a child? A grief that's hard to share because no one has met him or knew of him yet you've carried him. He is still inside of me. I'm so broken.
We still have the option of IVF but that gives no comfort right now.
I'm so sorry this is so long. It's 3 hours after I got the news.