Waiting for my miscarriage - upcoming baby shower

[julie123098]

Hi all

Sadly my scan on Sunday confirmed a miscarriage with no heart beat. Im 11 weeks but in fact the baby may have died a few weeks ago. I'm very devastated but feel I am in limbo. This is my second MC this year.

I would like to pass naturally but I don't know how long it's going to take. My doctor has signed me off while I MC but I just feel I am waiting. I was taking progesterone before so I don't know if this has caused a delay in the MC also. Has anyone taken medication to make it happen quicker? I don't want the surgery if I can avoid that.

I have a baby shower this weekend I wanted to attend for a close friend too. My girlfriends don't know about the MC and I am worried I will be emotional but I want to celebrate her first baby girl - if the MC hasn't started by then I will be worried to travel in case it starts during it.

I wonder if anyone has had any experience and could offer any advice... feeling a bit lost.

I'm also looking at recurrent Miscarriage clinics and found Dr Sheeta in Epsom. Anyone had any experience of this? The tests seem so expensive. I don't know whether to wait to try again and go via NHS but it all prolongs it, but I suspect it may be immunology issues as I had some antibody test done a few years ago and had weak positive result - maybe this is what's causing it. I don't know whether to try naturopathy first and holistic things like reflexology.

Thank you all
X

I'm sorry to hear about yours @ChloeN - I hope you're feeling okay. Thank you for the information - EPU just called and I think I'll go down this route also.

@JadeTC thank you so much for your kind words x

@Grognonne thank you for sharing your experience and Im sorry to hear about your previous MCs. I have thought about the options but at this stage I personally would prefer not to do the operate. I understand it is the quickest way and I can understand why women opt for it, but for me I think I would struggle more and would prefer for pass naturally if I can. Thank you again and Wishing you all the best

@pliset - thank you for your comment. I do not want the surgery at this point in time.

No problem, I hope all goes well. I’ve just seen you’re going down the medical management route with the tablets, I’ve not done that method, but as with the surgical management, at least you will have a better idea of when it’s going to happen. As I said, the expectant management/natural was the absolute worst for me, and I’m so glad you’ve decided against the natural route - I wouldn’t wish that on anyone!! Good luck for the future, and try and take some time for yourself and your husband afterwards. If it gives you any hope, I have gone on to a successful pregnancy despite the miscarriages.

Hi all again

So sorry for continuing this but I am having doubts as to tell my pregnant friend about my pregnancy loss - please can you let me know if you think I should make up an excuse or just be honest?

She's nearly due and of course this is an earlier loss so I would hope it wouldn't make her worried but I don't want to upset her or make her feel awkward around me... I don't know if in overthinking it but I need to let her know and I don't want her to think I'm making up an excuse not to go. If people ask her I don't want her to have to lie on my behalf but then maybe it's best I am just honest.

Please can I ask what would you do or say?

I'm so very sorry for your loss. There is a Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic based at St Helier Hospital, part of Epsom and St Helier University NHS Trust. Mr Hassan Shehata is the Consultant, he also has a private clinic in the Epsom area. I don't know what his success rate is. I would suggest looking up the HFEA website which would contain all the statistics from fertility clinics, it's a legal requirement to do so. I would not approach any fertility clinic without this information. Of course, the atmosphere and way that you are treated is very important too. Sending you a hug and good luck.x

Personally I wouldn’t say anything to her before the shower. You know how awful it is and they will feel awful for you too, and personally I wouldn’t want my friends to feel like that on what to them is a joyous occasion, especially the pregnant lady - I think it would be forever tinged with sadness for her.

Have some time to grieve for yourself, and you can always tell them later, and you don’t even have to say when it happened. I made excuses for not attending baby showers and nobody questioned it at all. Some friends I didn’t tell until years later (only after I had a successful pregnancy), so it would never have been linked back to the event I missed.

Nobody is going to mind if you don’t come, you can just say you feel ill and are worried about giving it to the pregnant lady (some kind of virus, etc.).

Hi OP, firstly I’m so sorry for your loss and the timing being so difficult. I have had two MC and during the first one I was a month behind one of my best friends. She got to full term, my MC was at 12 weeks. I told her when it happened and she was really sad for me but I don’t think it made her worried for herself.
This time I had another close friend’s baby baptism two days after, and another friend’s wedding the week after.
I told my really close friend whose daughter was being baptised, and I didn’t go to the baptism or celebration as I was too physically poorly and upset. The hormonal come-down really messed up my brain on top of everything else. My friend was upset for me, but I don’t think it ruined her celebration.
I didn’t tell my other friend whose wedding it was as we were able to be physically present so there wasn’t any need to share. We will tell them in due course.

Sometimes you have your own stuff going on and you’re not able to be physically present with your friends to celebrate them, but they know you love them and celebrate them in your heart. When you are close to your friends you want to experience the ups and downs of life with them. I would rather know why someone isn’t at my special event and be able to talk to them about their feelings of grief and loss, than for them to worry about my feelings and not tell me. But that’s me!

The main thing is - there is no right answer for something like this. It’s just really sad and hard. But you are loved and it’s important to take care of yourself as well as your friends. If you think making an excuse for now would be better, do that.

Do what you would want to be done to you and you won’t go far wrong, I think. Take care.

I wouldn’t say anything either. In fact even though I didn’t tell many people I wished afterwards that I hadn’t told anyone. Most people don’t know what to say when they haven’t had a MC themselves and they give the most well meaning but most idiotically stupid advice. The same there’s the air of expectation from them if they think you have ‘news’.

Maybe I just chose unwisely. Don’t put yourself under any pressure. Make another excuse and if you feel like you want to say something in the future then go ahead, nobody would ever hold it against you for fibbing at the time.

@julie123098 Personally I would be honest and tell the lady having the baby shower the truth. If I was the one having a baby shower I would be so upset if a close friend/family made a rubbish excuse not to come, I’d much rather someone be honest… I’m sure she’ll be so upset for you but don’t worry about ruining her day, I’m sure she’ll have a lovely time either way xx

I'm so sorry for you loss OP. I've been there, very difficult. I was slightly earlier so no medical intervention required.

In relation to the baby shower. I would send flowers and a card or maybe go to their house the night before with a gift?

You might not feel up to it and it will be very emotional!

My 2 best friends were pregnant when I was going through my MC. I ended up lashing out, out of anger and heartache, they understood but I wish I would've avoided the situation and focused on my healing.

Good luck ❤️

I'd tell her OP no decent person would expect a woman who has recently lost a baby to attend a baby shower, tell her your not emotionally up to it x

It is so kind of you to still want to go and celebrate your friend but I think you would be absolutely within your rights to do whatever is best for your heart ❤I am afraid a baby shower might be a bit too emotional but only you will know best. I would say, if there is any part of you that thinks you are not ready but you want to go in order not to 'disappoint' your friend - please know you need to look after your own mental health and any good friend would understand that x 🌷

God, I’m so sorry. What dreadful timing having a baby shower this weekend too. I think that would be far too much of a struggle to have to try and get through. I’d probably have to say I had the flu or something a day or two in advance. I personally just couldn’t physically stand there and smile while all of that’s going on, never mind the physical loss of the baby still taking place.

Make your excuse, rest up, treat yourself to some nice things to try and get through it. Wishing you lots of luck for a positive future, such a shit time for you

Personally, I would want my friend to tell me so I could support them appropriately. When I was going through a miscarriage, my friend gave birth and sent me a very nice message and it meant to so much. Give your friend a chance to support you 💐x

@julie123098 I have a baby shower coming up in a few weeks and I would absolutely want a friend to tell me so I could offer them some support (if they wanted it). I would also understand if you didn't want to say anything. It completely is up to you and how you feel.