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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Original poster

Waiting for my miscarriage - upcoming baby shower

40 replies

julie123098 · 01/08/2022 09:45

Hi all

Sadly my scan on Sunday confirmed a miscarriage with no heart beat. Im 11 weeks but in fact the baby may have died a few weeks ago. I'm very devastated but feel I am in limbo. This is my second MC this year.

I would like to pass naturally but I don't know how long it's going to take. My doctor has signed me off while I MC but I just feel I am waiting. I was taking progesterone before so I don't know if this has caused a delay in the MC also. Has anyone taken medication to make it happen quicker? I don't want the surgery if I can avoid that.

I have a baby shower this weekend I wanted to attend for a close friend too. My girlfriends don't know about the MC and I am worried I will be emotional but I want to celebrate her first baby girl - if the MC hasn't started by then I will be worried to travel in case it starts during it.

I wonder if anyone has had any experience and could offer any advice... feeling a bit lost.

I'm also looking at recurrent Miscarriage clinics and found Dr Sheeta in Epsom. Anyone had any experience of this? The tests seem so expensive. I don't know whether to wait to try again and go via NHS but it all prolongs it, but I suspect it may be immunology issues as I had some antibody test done a few years ago and had weak positive result - maybe this is what's causing it. I don't know whether to try naturopathy first and holistic things like reflexology.

Thank you all
X

OP posts:
GreenEyedFox · 01/08/2022 10:25

I’d be wary of going to a baby shower because you’ll likely to be all over the place.

Original poster
julie123098 · 01/08/2022 10:41

@GreenEyedFox thanks - I m worried about that 😢 but at the same time don't want my loss to affect their joy

OP posts:
Cantdoitallperfectly · 01/08/2022 10:45

I’m sorry for your losses. If you really want to go, I would tell a couple of friends what your situation is so that they can provide support, if you need it, during the shower.

Cookiedough123 · 01/08/2022 10:58

I wouldnt blame you for not wanting to go. If you don't want to tell anyone then maybe you could say you think you have covid?

Original poster
julie123098 · 01/08/2022 11:04

Thank you all - I think I will speak to one of the girls and see what she thinks - realistically if the MC happens on Thursday or Friday I may not be able to go physically anyway. I won't mention it to my pregnant friend.
X

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 01/08/2022 11:05

I am sorry for your loss.
I really don’t think you should go to a Baby Shower at the moment

pimlicoanna · 01/08/2022 11:12

Be kind to yourself and stay at home

Daisy4569 · 01/08/2022 11:16

So sorry, what an awful situation. To be honest if she’s a close friend I’d tell her whether you choose to go or not. I’d feel awful finding out afterwards if you attended and I wasn’t aware. Similarly a baby shower is a big deal and not going is bound to make her question why. However that is just me and I’m sure you know your friend and whether she’d want to know or not.

ClaryFairchild · 01/08/2022 11:18

I was 12 weeks when I was told I had a missed miscarriage, and then naturally passed everything about 4 days later. I would not have wanted to have been out because of how much I bled and the cramping I had.

I had tried to get the medication but it was a walk in clinic and because I didn't go first thing in that morning, by the time they saw me it was too late to have it that day.

Walk in clinic only happened 2 days a week and if it hadn't started by itself I would definitely have had the medication because the waiting was awful.

Original poster
julie123098 · 01/08/2022 11:24

Thank you so much

Following your advice I think it's best I don't go

I think I'll speak to her to let her know directly otherwise I will feel like I'm making up excuses

Thank you xx

OP posts:
Daisy4569 · 01/08/2022 11:27

Take care 💐xx

Original poster
julie123098 · 01/08/2022 11:28

@ClaryFairchild thanks so much for sharing your experience and I'm so sorry for your loss.
I think I will try to get the medicine from EPU because I don't know how long it's going to take and I just feel in limbo and really sad about it all, and I don't feel any 'movements' yet

Xxx

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 01/08/2022 11:32

It's ok @julie123098, I was pregnant again before I was due to have DC2. If I hadn't had the missed miscarriage I wouldn't have DC2, and I wouldn't be without him for the world!

I looked at the missed miscarriage as my body doing its utmost to hold onto the pregnancy which to me was a positive - albeit a very sad positive.

One thing that really helped was having a friend come over and being angry together with me. We ranted, raved, cried and drank wine and it helped me feel so much better.

Marvellousmadness · 01/08/2022 11:33

Don't go op.
Im sorry for your loss

Original poster
julie123098 · 01/08/2022 11:36

@ClaryFairchild I'm so glad you have DC2 so lovely and I'm sure a huge blessing.

Thank you - it's so hard as my friends don't really know because I was waiting for 12 weeks but yes I think I need perhaps more support in that way so maybe telling this friend and another from that group will help - it's a week out from the shower so hopefully it won't sour or upset her for her day at all

xx

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 01/08/2022 11:36

Flowers - you will be sad, angry, all jumbled up. But you will get through this. xxx

Original poster
julie123098 · 01/08/2022 11:48

Thank you @ClaryFairchild I feel such mixed emotions but I guess it's part of the healing process

Another friend messaged this morning saying she's pregnant due end of the year which is just amazing for her - but I felt this horrible sadness which I don't know if it is jealously or resentment or something like that, but I know deep down it's wonderful news, I just wanted to be able to share that news this year two times and it hits home more when you hear it from others and you almost realise your times been wasted with miscarriages and the lost opportunities along the way. I know I just need to be patient and feel joy at others experiences, it can just feel hard and it's difficult to not internalise it

Sorry for long messages i think it helps as an outlet right now

Xx

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 01/08/2022 12:06

I am sorry for your loss. I think your friend will understand.
I had IVF and I highly recommend three things - acupuncture (to ensure your cycle is going well); a cranial oest to check your womb is in the right place (ie its not being twisted pulled at by uneven hip joints; and blood tests to check your vitamin levels are optimum.

Pollywoddles · 01/08/2022 12:15

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I had a lot of miscarriages before I had my baby and I’m glad you’ve decided not to go to the shower. I remember my colleague who I shared an office with announcing her pregnancy weeks after my first MC and I smiled, congratulated her and then sat in the toilets sobbing until I could leave.

However I would speak to EPU about the potential to get the tissue tested as this is your second miscarriage. This may give you some answers and will help in future investigations. I had 2 ERPCs and the tissue was tested with both of those. The consultant also gave me a sample container while I was waiting for the first ERPC in case anything started at home. It’s a really really positive thing that you know sperm is meeting egg and implanting but I would push for some answers now. It took me 4 years to have my baby and I wish I’d not have been as relaxed at the beginning because now it’s too late to give my baby a sibling.

Original poster
julie123098 · 01/08/2022 13:40

@ittakes2 thank you for your help -
I am looking to get the nutrition tests and considering naturopathy / reflexology / massage / acupuncture... looking into it now.
I will look into the scan too - when I had my normal ultrasound scan they said it all looked normal in terms of my uterus apart from one cyst on my right ovary but is this a different type of scan ?

OP posts:
Original poster
julie123098 · 01/08/2022 13:43

@Pollywoddles thank you so much for your advice.
I'm sorry to hear about your losses too but very glad to also hear about your baby Flowers
I will speak to EPU about the tissue - I am waiting for a call from them as my private scan sent them the information. I've dealt with them before and I must admit Ive had really bad experiences so far with them :(

OP posts:
ChloeN · 01/08/2022 14:10

@julie123098 I’ve just experienced a MMC and chose to take medication. My hospital required me to stay in, I started bleeding within half an hour of taking the medication. I’m not sure if I’ve passed all of the pregnancy tissue so being rescanned on Thursday and will take more medication if needed. I wanted to avoid the operation too xx

JadeTC · 01/08/2022 14:15

I'm sorry for your loss, OP Flowers I echo the other posters that say don't go. You sound like a lovely and very thoughtful friend, but it's so important to put yourself first in this instance.

Grognonne · 01/08/2022 14:16

Is there any reason you don’t want the medical management? I’ve had four miscarriages and I highly recommend the surgical management. I had general and was all over in a few hours and back home on the sofa. Minimal bleeding after and had more confidence it was all out. I’ve also passed naturally and it was very painful, especially with the contraction like pain. If I’m unlucky enough to have another miscarriage I will definitely be going down the surgical route.

pliset · 01/08/2022 15:01

If you don't feel up to explaining, could you have D&V and then explain after the event?